The Sex-Starved Relationship

So who is to say how much sex is the right amount of sex for couples in committed long-term relationships? There are many theories, but whatever the frequency and level of engagement it’s important they are on the same page and happy. 

Research is telling us that a significant amount couples are disappointment with their sex lives. Some focused on quantity some on quality and some just grateful for whatever is on offer with an ongoing hint of resentment.

Some want a richer and more passionate sexual connection but are afraid to bring up their true needs and desires through fear of not being loved or accepted.

Some are just not interested and see sex as just sex so not very important, totally unaware of the suffering their partner is feeling each time they are rejected. So for some, they will give up asking and start detaching. [Read more...]

“Is it possible for dead relationships to be reignited?”

One gentleman reluctantly came to see me with his wife because he was considering getting out of his marriage. He said he had lost feelings for his wife. 

She loved him but on exploring their marriage I could see that she had been cycling between detaching and trying to keep the marriage alive because they have had problems for years.

The last year was particularly bad they both agreed.

I said to him that leaving a marriage and his children were going to be life-changing for everyone so was a massive step that could affect them all for years.

I asked him if he knew how his feelings had been created? Specifically, the feelings that are making him want to leave his wife.

He looked confused.

“I just feel what I feel,” he said

“I understand that, but do you know how your feelings have been created?” [Read more...]

The worst mistake you can make in a relationship

As I listen week after week, year after year to couple after couple share with me their unique stories. Stories of pain and suffering through affairs, loss of love, loss of passion, emotional disconnection they all have made this very simple but devastatingly powerful mistake. This mistake is costing them massively, it affects so many people and the ripples of disconnected families can go on for years.

Every couple I meet is totally unaware of what is really happening in their relationship and why they are where they are.

Both people will have theories and some will feel they are the ones that are right. But simply the fact that couples are going round in circles unable to solve their challenges suggests that they are both still making this fundamental mistake.

As a result, far too many couples are leaving perfectly good relationships and are likely to repeat this problem in future relationships.

So what is it?

What is causing couples so much pain and suffering? [Read more...]

“We are at breaking point – I just can’t continue like this…”

When someone comes to me with this message what they are after is CERTAINTY – they want me to help them out of this private hell and into a better life.

They want the pain to stop. It’s likely they have been in emotional pain and suffering for a while, some can feel themselves emotionally detaching from their partner.

In their hearts, they know that life shouldn’t be this way, but they are paralysed not sure what to do for the best. Whichever way they turn there is either more pain and suffering or total uncertainty.

They may have tried to talk about it, but they are likely to become more frustrated as they go round in circles, but not really knowing why.

Both people are likely to be exhausted with it all so they end up seeking ways to meet their needs outside of the relationship.

So what do they do? Can they be helped? [Read more...]

She’s lost sexual interest in him – Why?

If you are a woman wondering why you have lost attraction and sexual interest in your husband, or you are a man confused/upset because your wife no longer seems interested in sex this post is for you.

Many naturally feminine women are becoming stuck in a masculine identity in their relationship as their husbands are struggling to know what to do to keep their wives emotionally safe.

Most husbands know how to keep her physically safe, but emotional security is a totally confusing concept for so many men.

For many women in a long-term relationship the bridge to a sexual connection is preceded by a need for an emotional connection this is what she needs to align with him so attraction is created within her for him. [Read more...]

“DO NOT bury your head in the sand with this one…”

Many couples come to see me with a message that they have been signed up to my blog for years and now their marriage has hit a real crisis point and they are hoping I can fit them into my schedule FAST!

So what I’m seeing is people are very aware they are having difficulties years before, but they choose to put themselves through years of unnecessary stress waiting for there to be no other choice than seek help or get a divorce.

Sadly their belief initially is they thought/hoped their problems would magically get better on their own.

PLEASE NOTE: Relationship problems rarely fix themselves.

Waiting for problems to just go away is a very dangerous strategy as the best time to deal with a relationship problem is NOW! Not in one or two years time. [Read more...]

Change the patterns of behaviour that are hurting your relationship

We all have behaviour patterns that help us lead efficient lives. We don’t want to think about which shoe we always put on first. BUT… What we do need to look at is the habitual patterns we have that are damaging our lives and our relationships.

Many people are totally unaware of how their actions are leading themselves to an unhappy place. With some basic knowledge of what’s really going on they can develop new and powerful skills that can grow both themselves and their relationships.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed once you know why it’s there. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought and will defend it. [Read more...]

7 Popular Posts on StephenHedger.com

At least once per year I like to highlight popular posts for new readers and remind long-term readers of important messages that are easy to forget. 

There is no question that relationships are complicated, this is why I have committed to help people across the globe with my perspective on relationships through this free blog.

My unique perspective comes from spending most of my week with couples in crisis on the brink of divorce. [Read more...]

Marriage in Crisis? Has your partner fallen out of love with you and you want to save your relationship? Learn the steps to helping them fall back in love with you again.

Today’s post is a combination of what to do and what not to do if you want to save your relationship.

The first action a couple has to take to see if it’s possible to rebuild their relationship is to take the pressure out of the situation.

When one person has moved emotionally out of the relationship their partner is likely to be taking actions they hope will bring them back in, most people fail at this because their strategy doesn’t honour their partners’ feelings which are powerful and very real.

These are some typical behaviours people are using that don’t work [Read more...]

Helping men understand their wives

A significant problem that is presented to me over and over again is the very obvious disconnect between men and women and their interpretation of each others behaviours in their marriage.

It’s like men and women speak a totally different language in an intimate relationship. I see couple after couple present the wrong interpretations of what’s really been going in their marriage to me in their session.

This incorrect interpretation will trigger a series of mechanisms designed to detach that person from their partner. When practiced over time that person can become detached or numb for the wrong reasons.

Past problems such as childhood trauma can accelerate this detachment process. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you?”

For the person on the receiving end of this statement it’s both upsetting and confusing. So what does this mean and can the relationship recover or be rebuilt from this position.

The first question is what does this really mean?

How I describe this sentence “I love you, but I’m not in love with you?”. The person saying this is accurately describing their feelings.

For example when they look back at their time together there was probably many moments that were filled with love.  When they met, their wedding, the birth of their children, some might connect with love because their partner was part of making our beautiful children. [Read more...]

Unhappy marriage: Communication problems? Going round in circles? Then this is for you…

Todays communication is really important to understand because the message you’ll receive is a significant bridge that helps couples maintain attraction which is critical.

Have you ever spoken to your partner and felt they understood what you said only to watch them behave in ways that prove they didn’t?

Do you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall as you struggle to be heard or understood?

Are you starting to feel that communication is impossible with your partner and there is no point in speaking.

Circular conflicts are very common in relationships because couples are not aware of what their partner is hearing or feeling, when they are speaking.

Many people helping couples in these types of situations teach something called “active listening” which means the person is 100% present with what the other person is saying. They are not distracted by what they want to say next, or by something else.

Active listening is very valuable, but…

…what if what’s being said is not the real problem?

This is a very common problem. [Read more...]

10 Rules for Rebuilding a Broken Marriage

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage no matter what’s happened.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships in my 20’s. With this knowledge I could have save my self a lot of time and discomfort.

Before you read these rules at the end of this post I have an FREE offer for you.

So here are the 10 rules [Read more...]

“If you don’t understand me how can you be of value to me?”

A common thread with couples is their inability to really understand each other. Not feeling understood helps a person experience a growing emotional pain. If a person experiences enough pain they will attach that pain to their partner and the relationship. This stacking of pain and resentments is what’s really dangerous for marriages and can head them towards divorce. 

So one of my fundamental missions is to help couples translate what the other is really saying or doing, so we can stop or reverse an unnecessary crisis.

Both men and women are generally confused by each other and this can be a source of significant emotional pain. [Read more...]

Learn the Win-Win Patterns of behaviour that create secure passionate relationships

If you have been following past posts you will know how hard it is to deal with the many hidden challenges in a couples relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

Todays post is designed to help you focus your thought’s into your habitual patterns. Many couples have created destructive patterns without thought. These patterns are hurting the relationship, but the couple keep repeating them. So if you find yourself in circular patterns that keep making one or both of you unhappy then the pattern must change.

IMPORTANT: The way a pattern must change is to dissolve resentment and build more connection and more love and passion. This is where people are going wrong. I see couples do make changes, but their changes cause more problems.

So the new design of the pattern and the goal we want to achieve is critical to put the couple on the right track.

Lets start here: All couples have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their learnt patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their learnt patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other. [Read more...]

What is the Marriage Breakthrough Program and can it help me save my marriage?

Many couples are asking me how the “Marriage Breakthrough Program” works and why it has proven to be so successful at helping couples on the brink of divorce?

There are a few critical components that have enabled this consistent success.

Initially I offer a couples one meeting with me so I can establish if I feel they can achieve the result they say they want. I don’t see the value in us spending 12 weeks together if I don’t think they have a hope of success.

I’m not worried about how bad the couple think their relationship is, I am looking for key indicators that enable me to assess if i can see that success is actually possible. When I see a result is possible they are invited in to work with me, if I have concerns over their chances of success [Read more...]

Your mind is powerful – I have never shared this…

Today we are going to talk about the mind and the power it has to change the direction of your life without you knowing.

I see so many people out of control of their life because they have followed their feelings, as a result they have made terrible choices and have landed in really bad places emotionally.

So if you want to truly be in control of your life direction then this this post is for you.

What you are about to learn is a core part of what couples are learning with me, that helps them go from marital crisis into feeling free and safe to love each other again.

Side note: Business men and women are also learning these skill one-on-one with me to create more effective and confident selves in all areas of their life to create a better life balance whilst lowing stress. (I run 6 week courses for business individuals. If your interested please call Kate on 020 3793 2884).

[Read more...]

5 Core Foundations Needed For A Successful Marriage?

If you want a successful marriage then getting the right foundations in place is going to be critical to ensuring it’s survival. If your marriage is in trouble and these foundations have not been in place then you’ll start to understand why things are going wrong.

Intimate relationships are riddled with hidden problems that no one is either aware of or talks about.

So to avoid these problems these core foundations are needed if you are both going to make a real difference to each other.

I have spilt these into 5 foundational topics to help you. [Read more...]

The critical starting strategy needed to solve couples problems

Yes there has to be a strategy because all couples can’t be helped the in the exact same way. Each couple will have a very unique challenge and so their solution has to reflect this.

What’s important to understand is that all individuals have a complex layering of needs, beliefs and values that’s combined with their personal experience of their relationship so far.

This will be automatically creating their specific relationship dynamic. Their dynamic will either lead them to a connection that works for them, or to an emotional disconnection, which of course eventually leads many couple to divorce. [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]