We Build Walls Of Protection Around Us When Marital Problems Strike But Does It Work?

May 10, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Building a protective wall around us when emotional challenges strike in a marriage is a fairly normal process. The goal is usually to create security for that individual because life is not the way it should be.

He doesn’t care, she’s always negative, he never listens, she is aggressive and cold…

The question is, does this emotional wall work to create the security the person is after?

In the short-term the person can feel relief because when they shut down they can numb the pain they are experiencing.

The challenge the wall creates is it builds a 2 way block, the person will block out the pain, but they will also block out what they really need to be happy. This creates real problems for any marriage because it heads them to loss of respect and the end of the marriage.

For example:

[I have used a female in this example, but males will do their version of this too.]

If a female has tried and tried to get through to her husband and failed, she will stack her resentments towards him and eventually feel that she has no choice, but to create her own strength because he is not there for her in the way she needs.

It’s like she puts on a suit of armor so he can no longer hurt her. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Marriage Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Marriage Tip Five: Understand Why You Are Together?

May 6, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Will a couple survive if they don’t share a reason to be together? Couples who plan their journey though life and work as a team towards those goals are far more likely to want to stay together because they have a real purpose.

Creating that purpose helps to build a strong lasting intimate connection.

Most couples vision starts with attracting each other, moving in, getting engaged, getting married and having children. The couple excited about life can race through these goals within a few years. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Marriage Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do you have to understand your partners emotions before you will respect them?

February 4, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Reassuring her everything will be okay

Couples who judge each other, or belittle their partners’ emotions will usually find resentment in their relationship and this can be very damaging.

One of the golden keys to a successful marriage is to take away judgment of your partners’ behavior(s).

If he or she feels something, that something is very real to them and even if it makes no sense to you, showing you care about them is critical. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Building Trust Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Just because it’s not important to you – it does not mean it’s not important to your partner

January 28, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

You don't understand me at all...

One of the keys to a successful relationship / marriage is understanding or at least a desire to understand your partners’ emotions.

If you or your partner feels something, that feeling is real and needs to be respected.

It doesn’t matter if you agree with their reasons behind why they are upset, what’s important is the person you say you care/love about is in trouble emotionally and your job is to care and to help them. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Relationships and Depression

January 24, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Relationships and depression is a very challenging combination for any couple because depression creates the behaviors within the person that stops them giving the relationship the fuel it needs to survive.

One question we could ask is what caused the depression, and one of the answers of course could be the relationship is the problem. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching, Depression, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Does your life feel wrong?

July 3, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Are you starting to wake up and you realise that the life you have is not the life you thought you were going to get. Did you think your life was going to be different?

Maybe the problem is your money, your job, maybe it’s your relationship. Whatever the problem you now face if you want to fix it then you have to understand why you are in pain.

The formula for creating emotional pain is…

Pain in any area of life is caused when how you think it should be, does not match your perception of how it actually is. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Secret to Taking Charge of Your Life Today!

June 24, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Today I’m going to share with you one of the most profound distinctions i discovered when learning about how to build a successful life. My question was how do we take control of what happen to our lives, what’s the foundation to building a successful relationship, becoming successful in our careers and discovering our true purpose in life.

The answer I discovered is we need to make it our mission to master our understanding of our own internal worlds.

We are conditioned to believe and accept that our outside world is the driver for what we become and what happens in our lives.

This is an illusion that keeps us stuck, because if we feel our outside world has the power to help us feel a certain way then we are powerless within it. I will explain why… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Real People Real Stories: I lived with a narcissist for 14 years!

May 27, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 5 Comments

…so I went to Stephen for break up counselling.

“My divorce lawyers were worried about me, once I had met Stephen they were so impressed. It helped me to be stronger through the divorce process and more clearer in thought.  More able to fight for myself.”

Her Story starts here…

She tells the story of her personal horror, how she was controlled and mentally abused. How she took back control of her future and is rebuilding her identity her strength and her life. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Testimonials Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

She wants to be understood

May 25, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

No matter if you’re dating, or you have been together for years being understood is one of her biggest needs. If she feels he doesn’t understand her, this can scare her, it can help her to feel lonely, unloved, uncertain and that she doesn’t matter to him.

If it goes on for long enough she can feel numb and detached from herself and him in the relationship.

She will know she has changed and will feel he has too. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Relationship Education Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Top 10 Reasons Why Your Sex Life Will Die

April 5, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

The most common symptom of a struggling relationship is when the passion/intimacy dies. Sex in a relationship is a powerful barometer of how the relationship is really doing.

Everyone expects the passion to be heightened when they first met, but unfortunately the view is that over time it dies and this view seems to be widely accepted.

The reality is this does not have to be the case, if it has died it has died for a reason and that reason is not time. You both have to consistantly do something for your sex life to stop.

So let’s look at the top ten reasons why your sex life could be on it’s way out…

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Sex Life Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

My Wife is Aggressive what do I do?

April 3, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

If you find yourself in this situation firstly understand there is a really good reason behind it. So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on the relationship.

There are two forms of aggression, one which is verbal the other is phyisical violence. The one we are looking at today is verbal agression only.

If your wife becomes verbally aggressive she is trying to get a message through to you. It has become more aggressive because she feels that you have not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping you will understand. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems, Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is it Possible to be Addicted to Our Emotions?

March 31, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Could we really be addicted to our emotions good and bad? Is it possible to be addicted to feelings that help us feel awful? Could we be behaving in a way that affects the quality of our life through an addiction we are unaware of? Could emotional responses like running away from problems actually give a person what they need at a chemical level with their body and that’s why they do it?

Feeling out of control?

Then this might interest you… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Emotional intelligence Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Better Relationships can only Start with a Better More Confident You!

March 6, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I’m sure you will agree that if a couple wants to rebuild their relationship fear is not the best emotional state to start that growth.

Couples that have been in trouble for a while usually have two people in fear trying to fix their relationship wondering why whatever they do never works.

Understanding you is a critical part of understanding your relationship and how it works. I know when couples enter into work with me that I have to quickly help the individuals understand how they have been trying to feel good in the relationship and why it is has been counterproductive. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Staggering Power of Our Perceptions – The good and the bad!

February 24, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 4 Comments

Every situation has many ways to look at it, so when presented with a situation, which way do you choose? Do you look for the good? Or do you look for the bad?

Are you aware of what you create from these two directions of focus? If not then this post is for you.

Our perceptions are very powerful, it puts meaning to situations and our lives, those meanings then craft our behaviours, and our behaviours craft our futures. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Can YOU be YOU in Your Relationship?

February 8, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Are you being you in your relationship, or do you have to make the effort to act differently? Maybe you are treading on eggshells, or maybe you feel controlled by your partners’ usual reaction which for you is destructive.

Many people change their behaviours to protect themselves and their relationship from harm. Whilst the intent is good the reality is the honesty has gone and this puts the couple in conflict with themselves and this creates internal fears which can lead to low emotional states, stress and depression.

For example: A wife may hold inside what she is really feeling, because she knows if she connects with what’s wrong for her and becomes too emotional, he will run-away, or get so angry that she sees no point, so she holds it in. Of course this results in building resentment in her which can ruin the relationship.

or [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

What Has to Happen for YOU to Love YOU?

February 5, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Is loving YOU something you find easy, or is it selfish and self-indulgent? What is the real cost of getting this wrong?

One of these answers causes people real problems for themselves, their relationships and their children. As you skip through this post you will start to understand why!

In fact one of these answers actually expands further than just love it expands to the way they meet their core values. In other words they don’t see the value in themselves.

The only way they feel they create the value in themselves is through giving to others.

Only when they get a reaction from others will they feel their value in this world, as you read on you’ll notice this causes a them an inner conflict because this behaviour is a contradiction of their beliefs.

If they ever feel they are not valued from anyone this will hit them hard because they already feel that’s true!

They find it hard to have a good time on their own and so keep busy, or spend time with others. They are on a constant search to feel good through the validation of others. [Read more...]

Filed Under: LOVE Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Relationship Advice For Women

January 23, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

For many women in relationships getting through to their partner can feel like really hard work. They can’t believe he can be so ignorant to her needs and feelings. To her his lack of care can start to become proof of a lack of love….

Communication is usually a struggle and getting him to understand you can feel impossible. You may have talked when you first met, but today getting him to open up feels impossible…

The challenge for women is as soon as they feel they can’t communicate effectively with their partners they can feel lonely, isolated and very low. Some can feel disconnected with who they want to be and start to dislike who they are becoming. Depression is very possible in this place if this goes on for long enough.

To deal with her feelings in this place she has to get strong inside to cope with his lack of understanding of her emotional needs. This means for many she has to create a more masculine version of herself.

She does this to keep safe, she knows she can’t rely on him to meet her needs and keep her safe, so she takes on this masculine role of protector of herself.

She doesn’t want to be in this place for many reasons. The emotional protection she creates results in her no longer finding her partner sexually attractive. So she will block any desire for intimacy.

So as she pulls away from him to protect herself, he in response will be doing the same.

This can cause real problems for the couple.

He can start to feel that he cannot make her happy. Many men feel they cannot ever please their partners and when they try to fix her problems she become angrier. This stops him trying to fix her problems.

This cycle can get worse the more men feel they can’t win the more women pull away.

Can you relate to this situation? Do you feel out of control of your relationship?

If so get in touch now…

Important: Men and women speak a very different language and this will and does create confusion, it’s not that he doesn’t care it simply that he doesn’t understand how you feel because he is not female.

Soon as he knows what to do to become successful again he will want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

  • If you are in this place PLEASE TAKE ACTION IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!
Filed Under: relationship advice for women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Communication Rules For Relationships

January 6, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Calm Before The Storm: A Message For Men – Is There A Time Bomb In Your Relationship?

November 28, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Most men who have experienced problems in their relationship are usually very confused at why it seems so hard to please their partners. For him it can seem almost impossible to keep her happy. He can also feel he has put up with what he feels is her becoming over emotional, irrational and inconsistent for ages.

For him this inability to be able to please his partner is emotionally crippling, BUT he can do something to help her, but most men don’t know what to do…

If this goes on for long enough the woman will start to feel that the messages she has clearly been giving to him has not being listened to. She feels alone, ignored and insecure.

This for her can lead to depression and all sorts of physical and emotional problems putting further pressure on the relationship.

Depending on how the man has dealt with her emotional outbursts will drive her next course of action. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How to mend a broken heart?

October 9, 2011 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Those suffering from relationship heart break will experience emotional and physical pain through the trauma of losing someone they loved, through them leaving and chosing a new life.  The victims will run questions over and over in their minds searching for a solution to their pain.

Why did it happen, What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? They promised to be with me forever? How could I have not noticed? I must be a failure? I’m a bad partner? He or she tricked me? How could I be so stupid? I should have done more….! This list of torment goes on and on.

Individuals get taken over with feelings ranging from worthlessness to anger, from humiliation to feeling unlovable from abandonment, rejection to deep depression and some to suicidal thoughts.

Both men and women can have a desire more emotionally powerful than almost any other to find away to get their partner back.

Some know that getting their partner back is impossible, or they have no desire to go down that road again, however they still have feelings of love for them yet no where to put those feelings.

Some just feel stuck not knowing what they want all they know is they are experiencing a hurt they never want to experience again.

So how do you heal a broken heart?

How to you mend the heart of someone who is in so much pain? Some just get active, they make life changes, some block their emotions, some get another partner fast.

What I find that works best is understanding the truth, or getting as close as we can to it.

The purpose is to put the person back in control of their life and their emotions. The experiencing feeling out of control and this is very frightening and if not understood can emotionally block that person for years to come.

Once the person has understood their role in their relationship break up then the job is to build their confidence in themselves by teaching them how they work and how they can take control of themselves and their future lives.

This process is very powerful because they not only understand how they work but they understand what to look for in future partners.

They learn how to communicate with themselves in new ways and this empowers them to see the world and how others behave in new ways.

A broken heart can be mended and the person can learn the right way to heal themselves step-by-step.

No one is out of control they just feel they are because life, parents and society has not taught them how. This doesn’t mean it’s not possible it means that education is needed.

Filed Under: Break up Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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