The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

How To Cope With A Break-up

If you are suffering from the effects of a relationship split and want to know how to cope with a break-up then this may help you.  At the end of this piece I have a quick tip on how to control your feelings.

Most break-ups happen due to confusion of what the individuals are feeling and what it really means. They feel bad, attach those feelings to the relationships and so the relationship dies.

Many people who have asked for a divorce have regretted it later, because the feeling they attach to the relationships goes away when they are apart, and they are left with no good reason to be apart, unfortunately most of the time it’s too late.

Understanding your break-up

Those that come to me through coaching on how to cope with break-ups, get to understand in detail, why their break-up happened and this helps them to understand if the break-up happened for the right or wrong reasons.

This empowers them to know what actions to take. Could be to fix the relationship they were in, or walk away sound in the knowledge that what happened, happened for good reason.

Having said all this logical stuff, that still leaves you with feelings that are probably making you feel bad.

Understanding why you feel bad

These feeling are as a direct result of where your mind is focused.

What no one ever teaches us is that we can direct our mind to something else. The reason we don’t believe this is because not only is our reaction automatic, but if you have ever tried to get rid of a bad feeling it always comes back.

This happens because you are conditioned to focus on everything that is bad, society has taught you how to do this. What society has not taught you is there is another choice, and you can choose what to feel.

Removing the break up pain tip

The fact is this, not being with your ex-partner is not what you are upset about, even though you think it is, it’s the focus you have put on that break up and the meaning you have given to it is what‘s causing you pain.

So are you focused on all the past memories, or the future you designed, or maybe both?

With practice you can learn how to focus your mind to more pleasurable things by making the break-up a good thing.

  • Please note: Before you do this please be 100% sure you want this person out of your life.

Make a list of everything that was not right with your ex-relationship and with each thing you find really focus on how bad each thing was and how over time it would have become 100 times worse as they became used to you. Notice if this happened how miserable you would have been and keep their face in your mind as you imagine this life of growing hell year after year after year.

When you have completed your list then write about all the great opportunities you now have that being with your ex stopped you doing.

Now start to design the life you really want, and this time keep your focus on who you have to be, to be able to attract the person you really want.

Important: This is your chance…

And now show yourself gratitude for giving yourself a real chance of being really happy with someone who will stop at nothing to make sure you are 100% secure in the relationship, someone who will give your relationship passion, adventure and fun, whilst making you the most important thing in their world.

They will show you a love you have never felt before and they will serve your relationship tirelessly to help it and you grow into the person you have always wanted to be, constantly giving to you and never asking for anything in return.

They will do this because they know this is the only route to unconditional love the one thing you have always dreams of and thought you were only safe to have with your children.

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?

Negative Emotions Feelings & Behaviours

When a person displays negativity in any situation it can be a destructive force that affects all around them.

Negative people are conditioned, either through their parents or through other life experiences to always focus of the bad side of life.

These people will seek out other negative people who are also lost and do not have the answers to their life problems to moan to. In fact their connection with each other is based on their love of talking about all that