If you’re willing to change your thinking you can change your life

May 20, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you are not getting results in your life that you want then it’s a great idea to ask why?

The easy route is to put blame on external factors, my partner is not right for me, I don’t have enough money, I’m too fat, too thin, too old.

The challenge with this approach is it changes nothing, it keeps the person stuck and increasingly resentful that life is not what it should be.

This can lead the person to settle that this is just how life is, this makes them vulnerable and so they have to rebalance their world which could lead them to become hard and bitter over time. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Marriage Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

My Wife Has Fallen Out Of Love With Me Please Help

March 26, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

She told him the marriage was over, she had lost all feelings for him. He knew there were problems, but was totally shocked at her sudden desire to want to end the marriage.

They had a child together and torn with what to do, they sought help. She was convinced the marriage was over, but driven by guilt she felt she owed it to her son to try one last time. Her efforts however seemed half hearted as she shifted between, resigned, cold and sad almost at the same time.

He came to me on his own initially, he wanted the very best service I could offer to help them. He didn’t believe the marriage was over and he told me he would throw all he could at saving his family.

I explained to him that I do run intensive programs for Marriages in Crisis [Read more...]

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If we split up are we making a mistake?

January 31, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Who Have I Become?

This is a significant worry that just prolongs the agony of staying in a relationship that feels wrong.

I also see too many people regret their decision to leave their partner, so if you are unsure please find out.

Too many people find that the solution of leaving is very painful so some short term effort could avoid that long-term pain. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching, Divorce Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Just because it’s not important to you – it does not mean it’s not important to your partner

January 28, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

You don't understand me at all...

One of the keys to a successful relationship / marriage is understanding or at least a desire to understand your partners’ emotions.

If you or your partner feels something, that feeling is real and needs to be respected.

It doesn’t matter if you agree with their reasons behind why they are upset, what’s important is the person you say you care/love about is in trouble emotionally and your job is to care and to help them. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Relationship Frustration is caused by…

January 22, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Do you ever feel that you can’t get through to your partner? Do you feel that what you are saying is landing on deaf ears? Do you feel that your partner is trying to be difficult on purpose?

If someone felt all those things what do you think they might feel and what meaning would they then put to those thoughts? [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

When does a relationship start to die?

January 20, 2013 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many relationships are dying long before the couple realise there is a real problem.

Some people will bury their heads in the sand and do nothing hoping that any problems they have will just go away and some will start a search.

So what is the danger sign that you need to look out for? What is the one thing that’s guaranteed to accelerate your problems?

Many people are watching their partners every move, or watching what their partner says and does. They start to piece together all the things that are wrong in their relationship and they find more and more things that could equal their partners don’t love them or care enough.

So as these people start their search what should they be looking out for? [Read more...]

Filed Under: Marriage Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Our relationship is terrible because my partner changed

July 14, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the most disempowering places to be in a relationship is thinking you have no control over what happens when things go wrong.

You know you are a good person, so why is your partner behaving so badly? Why can’t they change back to what it was like when you first met?

Why can’t they understand you, why do they want to hurt you so much?

Many people lose hope because they can’t see a way forward. The key to this problem is to understand what you can control, the one thing you can effectively control is you. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Simple laws of life…

July 4, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The most natural thing to do when life seems to be going wrong is to feel consumed by all your problems. You could talk to others about your problems, play them over and over in your mind. It could be that when life goes wrong you have learnt that worry is what you do, maybe mum was a worrier, or dad didn’t trust people.

Whatever you do when things go wrong is learnt, but there is an outcome that worry creates as the natural laws of life come into play.

  • If you expect to fail, expect to fail.
  • If you focus on worry, your life will be full of worry.
  • If you think you can’t do some thing then you you’ll be right.
  • If you look for what’s wrong you find lots of things that are wrong.
  • If you hold back love expect love to be on hold.
  • If you focus on a life you don’t want, expect to get that life.
  • If you feel you are not lucky, luck will avoid you.

People that are conditioned to be negative and sceptical certainly have their place. For example [Read more...]

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You are amazing!

June 30, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

My belief is within every person there is an amazing person screaming to get out and you are no exception. You have the ability to have and create the life you really want.

If there are people out there that have what you want, all that’s happened is they have used their time differently to you. Successful people generally use their 24 hours very differently to those that are not.

  • Just so we are clear success = chosen goals + fulfilment.

Many people go for fame and money and then commit suicide, that’s because they were not fulfilled in their lives. Money doesn’t make people happy believe me. I meet unhappy yet very wealthy people every day. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Answer to Your Life Puzzle

June 25, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Yesterday I wrote about how the meanings we give to situations shape our lives today. So to expand on that we are going to look at the foundation that creates those meanings.

Our focus of thought is the foundation of our life experiences. Without a conscious direction of thought most people minds automatically focus on their fears, or what’s wrong.

The mind is designed for automatic processing of thought so we can quickly understand if we are safe or not. The problems come when we use this automatic thought to design our lives…

If our focus is the foundation of our meaning then most people will live in fear. This fear is brought to life and maginfied by the person as they feel more and more out of control of their life. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Compatibility In A Relationship

June 21, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This is a question that I get asked almost every day… “are we compatible?” When relationships go wrong it’s the most obvious question. People worry “Maybe the relationship happened too fast, maybe we had children too quickly?”

It’s true that many people rush into relationships without thought.

Most people go into relationships based on a combination of key factors such as it was easy geographically i.e we worked together or live in the same town. [Read more...]

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Signs we have relationship problems…

June 14, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I love my partner, but it’s just not working anymore! Is this you? If you and your partner love each other, but are just not getting on there is good news for you.

With the right focus and understanding a very fast shift can put you both back on track. You see most couples come for help far too late and so it just takes longer to build up the trust, respect and rebuild that intimate connection again.

So if they leave it too long they will feel so numb that leaving the relationship now feels far less painful and so an attractive option so please don’t ignore problems and never assume they have gone away. Many men have sat in my sessions very upset to have been asked for a divorce when they never knew there was a problem.

The reality was they thought the problems had gone away months or years before, but within her the problems were getting bigger, but she had stopped communicating because she saw no point.

So if you are still in love with each other, but are struggling NOW is the time to deal with this. These are the key signs to look out for… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems, Couples coaching, Passionless Relationships, Relationship Advice Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

When did you and I stop being us?

June 10, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

She sat hands clasped, lacking in confidence and underweight through worry.  I was exploring with her what their relationship was like in the first year. She was suffering from fears created by a traumatic past that needed understanding and removing, so I had invited her for a one-on-one session with me.

As she started to tell the stories of what they used to do, how they used to play together, do daft things in public, her face starting to light up and she smiled as she relived those moments where she was happy, clearly connected to her true feminine self.

As she drifted into that world that filled her with joy, startled she broke her own trance, hand over her mouth she gasped… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

“You NEVER listen to what I say!” “That’s because you’re IMPOSSIBLE to please!”

June 1, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Round and round they go pushing each others buttons, testing their love for each other, dying a little each time conflict strikes. Confused by their partners actions they either test some more which equals more conflict, or they shut down holding back their true feelings to protect the relationship.

Neither works to build a successful relationship and love turns to confusion, then to resentment and ends up with a lack of respect for each other. They blame each other, but they don’t really know what’s going on on, all they know is they are unhappy.

When the foundations of any relationship are weak, fear is then running that relationship.

What I find interesting is that when individuals enter a relationship [Read more...]

Filed Under: Confidence Coaching, Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Lack of Understanding Cripples Couples!

May 28, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The reason so many couples struggle is because they really don’t understand each other. If this goes on for long enough what they start to feel is fear/emotional pain, they feel alone and unsupported. The worst place to feel lonely is in a relationship.

Fear then becomes the filter of experience for that person. So when their partner communicates what they hear is very different from their partners’ original intention. In essence they are searching for problems as their partner communicates to them. Anyone can at this point find problems with the most innocent of comments. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Important Life Lesson: What’s more compelling than your fears?

May 26, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

We all have fears that hold us back, fears that keep us stuck, fears that limit our quality of life? Fears that stop us earning more, or having rewarding relationships, fear that stop us growing.

Are you aware of what you really fear, or have you chosen to bury it?

Most people do all they can to move away from their fears, but without realising their fears then control their lives.

When recently working with a client, I asked him a question. “If I asked you to walk on a plank of wood 1 foot wide, 12 foot long that was 1 foot off the ground, would he do it for twenty british pounds?” [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

I want to trust but I can’t

March 26, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

If someone has a problem with trust it can cause big problems in their relationships. Trust is a fundamental part of growth. Without trust the relationship dies.

When I work with individuals who are challenged in this area what we usually discover is they don’t know how to trust themselves. Some are aware of this within themselves and some don’t know.

A person who doesn’t know how to trust themselves feels they will be safer if they create some kind of blanket coping mechanism that fits all situations. [Read more...]

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Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

March 11, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

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Are you a boiled frog?

March 8, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Many years ago in my 20’s I was told the story of “The Boiled frog”.

If a frog was put into a pan of cold water and that pan was brought to the boil the frog would just sit in the pan and slowly die. But if you dropped the frog into the boiling water it would jump out immediately rejecting this hostile environment.

[This of course is a metaphor for life, so please don’t do this!]

This story had a profound effect on me. It got me thinking am I a boiled frog? Is my life slowly killing me? Am I staying in a life that doesn’t work, or make me happy? [Read more...]

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Better Relationships can only Start with a Better More Confident You!

March 6, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I’m sure you will agree that if a couple wants to rebuild their relationship fear is not the best emotional state to start that growth.

Couples that have been in trouble for a while usually have two people in fear trying to fix their relationship wondering why whatever they do never works.

Understanding you is a critical part of understanding your relationship and how it works. I know when couples enter into work with me that I have to quickly help the individuals understand how they have been trying to feel good in the relationship and why it is has been counterproductive. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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