What’s killing your relationship?

Many people are killing their relationship without knowing. Below I have created a simple list of the kinds of behaviours I see that consistently break relationships. Any one of these will cause problems and many couples practice many all at once. 

Many people create negative feelings within them and then attach those feelings to their relationship.

Too many people practice these relationship eroding behaviours and are not aware they are part of the problem they are complaining about.

The saddest part is too many couples [Read more...]

Trust issues: Taking back control

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

What makes a great marriage?

Every couple is unique and their vision for a great marriage will differ across the world. If these couples were aware of the knowledge that would keep their marriage safe no matter what, it would make a significant difference to a trend that is leading so many couples to the end of their marriage.

To take a relationship where two people are fulfilled and connected passionately they need to be aware of some simple skills.

The first skill is to become aware of what you don’t know.

From the start of your relationship your partner is going to be having a very different experience from you within your relationship, [Read more...]

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]

Too afraid to love…

If there was ever a list of problems that consumed the majority of couples, being ‘too afraid to love’ would be very high on that list. Sadly many individuals/couples are not aware that this is their challenge and as you read on you will discover why.

I see couples in crisis every week so I’m going to have a very unique perspective on the world of relationships, so in todays post i’m going to share what I’m seeing with these couples in crisis so if you are struggling this may help you.

If you were aware that ‘not being loved’ was one of the biggest fears for all humans then this might start to give us some perspective on why being ‘too afraid to love’ is such a widespread problem. [Read more...]

Relationship habits and patterns

In todays post I will be covering an area of relationships that if understood would totally change the direction for any couple heading for trouble and redirect them towards a far happier life together. Couples that want to learn what your about to read can avert a likely divorce and redirect their marriage to be much happier than before.

So as you can see this is an absolute must for those wanting to keep their relationship alive.

The biggest problems any couple will face is where to put their energy so it connects with what’s important to themselves and their partner.

Each person in a relationship will have many patterns of behaviour unique to them and these individual patterns will create habitual patterns in their relationship. [Read more...]

The POWER our fears are having on our relationships

We all have fears, but what happens when by trying to avoid our fears it leads us to what we fear most. This is so basic that it should be taught in schools. Sadly very few are aware of the impact it is having on their lives.

You see having a fear means that on some level that fear is part of our focus. My regular readers and my clients already know, that what we focus on will create what we ultimately get in life.

What’s important to learn is this ‘focus’ does not have to be a conscious one for it to become a goal you haven’t chosen. [Read more...]

When is divorce the right solution?

It may come as surprise to learn that my job is NOT to fix couples relationships. My job is to help them learn the truth. So a couple might come for help and one person can have the belief that leaving the marriage is the only solution.

Their belief can be very wrong and with the right help they can reconnect to their feelings and to the relationship again.

Many tell me how surprised they are at their outcome, how they didn’t believe that reconnecting and falling back in love was actually possible.

I have seen this so many times, simple changes in understanding and behaviours change the persons feelings. [Read more...]

Can you really trust what you feel?

Todays post is so important to understand because too many couples are in trouble for a reason they are not connecting to. So I want to help you understand what can happen to a couple that could lead to a disconnection.

When couples try to fix what they think is the problem most couples will fail, but without knowing the real reason why. This can lead them to the wrong assumption about their relationship and so sadly they give up.

So imagine this, a person has felt bad in a relationship for a while and has attached those bad feelings to the relationship, so far a normal situation, but…

What if this person has actually created their own bad feelings and without knowing incorrectly made the relationship responsible?

This situation is very common, but is then confused by their partners reaction to this new emotional state in them. The ping-pong of confused, negative feelings mask where the problem started and so a symptom is created for the couple to either focus on, try to fix, or ignore leaving many couples lost. [Read more...]

How to become a couple for life

In todays post I’m going to give you a skill that’s critical if you want your relationship to work. These days becoming a couple for life is becoming more of a challenge.

Couples are giving up far too early, if they explored the truth in their relationship a significant percentage would learn their relationship could actually be not just saved, but converted into an amazing place of security, love, passion and fun.

Difficult to imagine if you are having a tough time, but it’s possible because I see this change happen right before my eyes as the couple learn how to reconnect.

Couples at the start of their relationships are both doing exactly what works for that couple to have a “success dynamic”. They feel good about themselves when they are with their partner and this is the reason why they are together and can see a wonderful future. [Read more...]

Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up? [Read more...]

How to get a couple from near divorce back to love step-by-step

One of the reasons I love the process of coaching couples through their problems is the precision in which I can help them both see how to get to their desired result. 

Through the diagram below I will explain how it works.

Six-step-chart

Every couple is different and so the process from A-B will be unique to them

The green letter ‘A’ represents where the couple are today. This is important to understand because the couple will present where they think they are and sometimes it’s far worse than they think and sometimes it’s far better. [Read more...]

Can one person save a marriage from divorce?

When a person makes changes in themselves they affect how the other person responds. If the changes help their partner to feel secure, loved and wanted in the way they need, then a change in the marriage is totally possible.

The challenge is most people don’t understand their partners well enough to support them in the way they need, so their partner can become angry at their attempts and so they give up assuming there is no hope and this is not true.

All people really want is to feel they are loved for who they are and to know there is a real desire from their partners to meet their needs. In other words they need to feel like the most important person in their partners life.

So if one person takes charge and takes steps to learn about their partner, their partner will in reaction have to respond to these new changes.

The question I ask my clients is “who do you have to become to attract the relationship you desire?”  [Read more...]

I was chatting with Cloé this morning…

I was chatting with Cloé this morning and I was asking her what could I write today that would really help people live successful lives and have better connected relationships.

We are passionate about each other, our lives and what we do. We have such a great time with each other, I really wanted other people my readers to feel the same. Or at least be moving towards those feelings.

You see it was not always this way for me. I was once very lost in the wrong career and with the wrong people around me.

So why is today so different what made that shift for me, that consistently makes a shift for my clients today? [Read more...]

Part one: How to save a marriage from divorce

If you are interested to understand how to help a couple from a destructive relationship and into one that works for both people then this is for you.

Step one: Save Your Marriage From Divorce

The first step is helping both people in the marriage take steps to reclaim their true identity.   Couples with problems lose confidence in themselves and each other because they are not living true to who they really are.

As problems escalate, this loss of identity is debilitating and will create confusion and fear in themselves and in their partner. [Read more...]

I don’t like who I am when I’m with you

This is a very common complaint for people who are in relationships that are not working. What these people experience is a shift in their identity. Just to magnify their problems in this new identity life will also not feel it the way it should be.

So if life feels it’s not the way it should be and they have lost a sense of themselves life is going to feel very wrong and they are going to want to move away from it.

What’s important is if you are in a relationship and this is happening to you please be aware that you could be drawn into making a life changing decision that’s being influenced by your fears. [Read more...]

Marriage Help For Couples With Marriage Problems

If you’re having marriage problems and you’re struggling to solve it, your going to need marriage help before the problem gets too serious. Most couples in trouble have usually experienced problems that keep coming back and this is because of one key problem…

You are both doing something that’s potentially destructive without knowing.

So if you’re both not aware of how you’re contributing to the marriage negatively then this means the foundations of the marriage are compromised. [Read more...]

Why does she attack me verbally?

Men are searching for the answer to this question. She is supposed to love me why does she become so aggressive.

Usually she will become aggressive if she feels he doesn’t care about her. Her aggression is usually a desperate attempt to get through to him.

Her aggression is her fear speaking.

She fears not being able to get through, she is likely to be feeling that if her feelings persist she will become too detached from him. [Read more...]

Many couples in crisis believe there is little hope for their relationship, but feel stuck because splitting up feels wrong too!

Without doubt this is one of the most horrible places to be in a relationship. You have memories of a past that worked, BUT you can’t get back to it. Life in this place can feel totally hopeless and you can end up feeling detached and emotionally numb which just add to the fear.

You feel you know what you should do, but something is holding you back.

You may have talked to your friends even your family. You may be feeling more confused as they all care about you, yet they are giving you conflicting advice. [Read more...]

PLEASE DON’T DO THIS…

Six months ago a couple turns up to my session, they are having a few arguments and they seem to be getting worse, but they made it very clear they love each other. I could see their love was true.

However their arguments were clearly effecting them, but they did not understand the gravity of their situation.

They laughed and joked about their problems, but I could see they were covering up a real pain that sat under their humor. [Read more...]