Better Relationships can only Start with a Better More Confident You!

I’m sure you will agree that if a couple wants to rebuild their relationship fear is not the best emotional state to start that growth.

Couples that have been in trouble for a while usually have two people in fear trying to fix their relationship wondering why whatever they do never works.

Understanding you is a critical part of understanding your relationship and how it works. I know when couples enter into work with me that I have to quickly help the individuals understand how they have been trying to feel good in the relationship and why it is has been counterproductive. [Read more...]

Is it right to expect what you can’t give?

For example: I remember a man complaining that his partner was not respectful in the way she treated him and spoke to him. For him to feel respected he had to feel loved. This means love was more important to him than respect.

We now know love is an important value to him, so unless he felt important he wouldn’t give his love to her as a punishment. He didn’t want to reward her behaviour.

Of course this scared her and so she became more anxious resulting in her communicating her fear which is translated by him as not being respectful and unloving. [Read more...]

The Miracle Cure for Our Problems

We all want solutions to our problems and today we want them fast. Fast is not always better, but if there is a way to help ourselves now then why wait?

Do you really want to wait for your problems to go away? Most don’t, but what they do makes the problems stay.

There are very powerful ways a person can make their problems stay without knowing.

One is No Action ignore the problem, two is the fear of taking the Wrong Action, just one of these two choices will cause problems, both of these will help the person stay paralyzed for years.

For example a person who has been hurt through relationships creates a wonderful solution, no more relationships! Whilst a relationship can no longer hurt them the lack of love and connection will. [Read more...]

How can I get Love?

What has to happen for us to get LOVE? Most of us want love. Many never really get in a way which is honest and true. Couples can spend a life time together, but never get to really experience it. In today’s post I will explain why…

There is one key factor that stops them achieving true love, it’s them!

I once asked a gentleman in a session why did he feel his wife was wrong for him, and why did the lady he was having an affair with feel right?

His answer he gave told me all I needed to know…

He shared with me a list of what the affair with had given him. In that moment I knew he was focused on what he was getting from her. “Getting” is the key word!

His marriage had stopped working for him because his wife had stopped giving to him through her fears and disappointment at his attitude to her and so he was no longer “getting” love. [Read more...]

Who Are You? What is Your Life Purpose?

Do you know? Unless you know who you are, how will you create a “Life Purpose”? Do you know what your life purpose is? Does this suddenly feel important for you to know?

For most when this question is considered they can start to feel uneasy as they start to realise that the days are flicking by faster and faster. They will notice that they have no real direction and the days just happen to them, so they live in reaction to what the world throws at them.

Life is happening all around them, they are part of it, but they are not in control of a direction that has a meaning defined by them – in essence they are out of control.

Most people like to use label to define themselves, I.E. I’m a Doctor, or a Banker, or a House Wife. These are great, but do those labels really define who they are and is that their life purpose? [Read more...]

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

We all Need to Be Loved…

Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.

  • So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…

No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.

When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.

Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.

Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.

This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.

So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.

For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.

What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.

My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.

I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)

So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.

This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.

You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!

The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.

If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.

Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.

If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.

So you see you are far safer giving love than not…

What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.

It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.

At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.

Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.

Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.

Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.

In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.

If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.

Remember please share this post with all those you care about.

One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.

Why is our Relationship Failing

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

Many couples wonder if coming to relationship coaching sessions will work and is it worth the effort?

  • What if you’ve had years of problems, fighting and going round in circles?
  • What if through all your problems intimacy in your relationship had disappeared years before and is now also just another problem to add to the list.
  • What if you’ve even tried counselling and it hasn’t worked and now it looks like the only option is divorce and the break up of a young family.

With so much certainty that breaking up was their only option, this couple decided to see if relationship coaching could save their family…

After a few sessions this is the email I received from them today!

Subject: Thank You

Stephen

I wanted to write to say thank you. There has been a huge turning point in our relationship. We have both worked really hard at following your advice and I have started to allow myself to get close to D physically. We are taking that side of things really slowly as I have many years’ anxiety to overcome but I finally feel that not only can we have a marriage free of the destructive fighting and power struggles we’ve endured for the past few years but we can also have a marriage with physical as well as emotional intimacy.

We both know that to sustain this will require continued efforts on both our parts but you have given us the tools to work with and that is more than half the battle. From where we were a few months ago – with the house on the market and divorce lawyers consulted – to where we are now feels nothing short of a miracle. We both realise that there is still so much love and so much worth saving. It was just all disguised under fear, anger, resentment, loneliness and feelings of disconnect and hopelessness.

Your skill as a coach is very special. Anyone who has tried traditional counselling and failed (as we had) should definitely try you before throwing in the towel.

With very best wishes

Grace – London

Problem Solving Skills – Creative Problem Solving For Life Challenges

Wouldn’t it be great, if we never had any problems again?

The reality is not all problems are bad, we need problems to motivate us to action, what’s bad is the way in which we view our problems that keep us stuck, for some they remain stuck for years sometimes for life. What’s needed is effective problem solving skills.

My problem seems impossibe to solve…

You see when individuals come to me for help usually what happened is they have been seeing their problems from only one perspective. That perspective is usually one which makes solving the problem impossible.

For example: Many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel ok, but the more they try this, the more out of control they feel, because people either reject them, or move away from them. [Read more...]

She Hadn’t Seen Her Children For Years – “Fear had me paralyzed!”

This lady was very stuck, so stuck her own fears were stopping her fighting to see her own children. Now years had passed and her fear had grown.

To help her I knew I had to help her see her problem differently, in a way which would dissolve her fears and put her back in control of what she could control – her own actions!

After years she has now made contact with her daughter, a wonderful gift at the start of 2012

These are her words….

Life Coaching with Stephen Hedger:

Testimonial from an Anonymous Mother in a Foreign Land

How do I express the extent and depth of Stephen’s capabilities in assisting with the reversal of destroyed relationships?

I’m not talking about marriage in this case. I’m talking about myself as a mother agonizing for years over the estrangement of my young-adult children.  Fear had me paralyzed.  Lack of insight and wisdom had me continually groping while remaining hopeless and buried in on-going anguish.

When Stephen started working with me recently, he began by asking simple yet telling questions that, answered thoroughly and honestly, would probe the depths of my pain and shame.  I decided to answer thoroughly and honestly.

Stephen went right to work.  He delved into letting me know what life has been like for my children, what goes on in their minds, what is at stake and how I need to respond.  I have wondered more than once if he’s psychic.  Uncanny.

This relationship work is hard.  It takes so much courage.  But it is no longer impossible and hopeless.  There is ground being gained and the first signs of hope and relief have appeared.  I still walk in fear, yet it is being steadily replaced with determination and empowerment and positive, effective thinking and action.

For the first time I believe strongly that I will get my children back, that they will eventually be healed and whole.

Thank you, Stephen, for going through the fire with me and holding my hand throughout.  It takes so much fortitude, courage, vision and generosity of spirit to do what you do.  You are saving lives by diving in where it is most dark and dreary and then somehow bringing forth light, strength and belief.

You bring smokescreens to the surface and expose them for what they are.  You get to the heart of the pain and provide a platform from which to work.  I now have the attitude that I will get my children back or die trying.

All our lives depend on it.

Why Women Have Affairs?

Why do women in relationships have affairs? What is it that drives them into the arms of another?

Of course whatever I write here will be a generalisation to some degree as every situation is different, but I have a very unique perspective because I see so many couples with relationship problems.

Most people find it very easy to judge the person who has had the affair as a terrible person, whilst I don’t honour their decision as it is so destructive, I do understand how and why it happens.

If a couple have experienced this type of betrayal in their relationship, not understanding why is the first hurdle. Sometimes even the perpetrator doesn’t know why they did it and this makes the relationship worse. [Read more...]

What Have You Been Doing Without Knowing To Make Your Life Worse?

I know many will ignore this, but for you, I hope you take your time to understand the magnitude of what you are about to read so next year can really be the way you want it.

As 2011 draws to a close I wonder as you reflect on this year what has been your primary focus. I wonder what you have spent most of your time directing your mind to. It’s important to understand this because it’s why your life is the way it is now. If you’re not happy with what you’ve got then clearly a change has to be on the cards for you!

In this post today I will share with you what I believe to be one of the most important messages you will ever receive

Take a moment to think: What have you been feeling and thinking about this year and why?

Most people have problems of some kind, but what’s interesting is because the problem becomes their focus, all the persons’ energy is directed towards the problem. [Read more...]

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]

How to Be Rich!

As a coach I am interested in all areas of improvement from heath to wealth. What I find is how the methods used to help people become financially free and healthier are the same foundational principles that I use to help people create better relationships.

So in principal if you understand one then the foundations are in place to understand them all.

What are the barriers to success

So what are the key areas that will block people from creating wealth and fitness that are totally in line with why couples are blocked from creating successful relationships.

1. Fear

2. Cynicism

3. Laziness

4. Bad Habits

5. Arrogance


1. Fear

Anyone that is experiencing relationship problems is going to be in fear that the future will not be the way they want it to be. This fear creates poor states that disable the person from acting in a way that creates growth for themselves and the relationship. In this place the person can feel disconnected and dislike who they are becoming.

2. Cynicism

Couples can become cynical about their relationship because they feel that over the years they have collected enough proof the relationship is wrong. Of course with two people in fear, feeling disconnected with who they really are, the couple start to feel the relationship has changed from when they first met and they are no longer compatible.

3. Laziness

People become lazy because they can’t see a way forward. They lose motivation when they don’t get the results they want fast. Instead of looking for new answers they keep repeating the old ones, hoping that a new change in their partner will happen. This never works so they stop putting effort in and they become lazy.

4. Bad Habits

Habits get learnt through a persons life and if they are taught how to create relationship by those that are equally lost (their parents), then the foundations are too weak to hold a relationship together. They become their bad habits without knowing and bit by bit they destroy the relationship in their quest to save it.

5. Arrogance

What then happens is the person with years of distorted perceptions of themselves and their relationship think they understand their problems. In reality they are a million miles away from their truth. So they blame everyone else for their problems and think they know best. Most won’t seek help and even if they do they are just going through the motions. What they usually want is for me to change their partner because it’s their fault.

So if you want to be rich in all that life has to offer then overcoming all the above has to be the focus. You see it is easy to find everything that wrong in a relationship and end it anyone can do that, it’s not until a person has had many failed relationships that they start to ask themselves where does the real problem sit.

Many of course chose through fear to not ask this question decide to forget relationships altogether and live life alone. For them it is better to be alone and right, at least that way they are safe.

Of course they are not safe because inside them sits the proof that really they were never enough and they are not loved.

So what is the truth for you? Is now the time to understand and set yourself free?


Nature Never Designed Us To Live In A Box!

Nature brilliantly designed us to have chemical explosions inside us when we meet someone we are attracted to, but nature never designed us to live together for life in a box (we call home).

Natures primary concerned is with survival and growth.

So if we are not designed to live in a box together then we must need some other resource to make it possible to keep the love and passion alive.

To grow a relationship you need skill

You need skill to make a relationship last and stay passionate. You see if you are under the illusion that the power nature used to attract you to your partner will also keep the relationship and passion alive forever you will be disappointed.

For a relationship to work it takes real skill and understanding.

Without this skill couples all across the UK and the world live together in fear.

  • That life is not going to be the way they thought it would be
  • That their partner may leave them
  • That they won’t be loved
  • They might not be enough in some way

There are a few key things that if the couple focus their energy on these areas their chances of a successful journey together is significantly magnified.

Just imagine if you lived your whole life never getting the relationship you deserved and all you were missing were some key pieces of information. The information that society and parents don’t teach the critical information that is lacking in the marriages that end in divorce.

I teach couples the skills they need to keep their relationship alive

No matter what stage of the relationship process you are in getting this step-by-step information is critical.

  • You could be just starting out looking for love
  • You could be about to get married
  • You could be newly married
  • Together for a while and things have become a little stale
  • Maybe your passion has died and you want it back
  • It couple be you are secretly planning your escape
  • Maybe your arguments/problems are so bad you can’t see a future together
  • Are you separated and you now feel lost
  • Maybe divorce is now on your mind, you don’t want it, but you can’t see any other way
  • Maybe you are divorced and finding love again seems daunting.

Whatever stage you are in it is never too late to learn the skills for creating a successful journey through life together.

You see when things go wrong the best key to success is the knowledge of how to create growth at the point of conflict.

  • If you are in need of help to move your relationship or life to the next level, or you are not willing to settle for just existing together, get in touch today!

Has Your Partner Become Your Enemy

How is it that two people who once were so in love can get to the point where their partner starts to feels like their enemy. Do you feel your partner is your enemy, or do you treat them as if they are?

If the couples needs are not met then resentment can creep into the relationship.

They start to feel bad and so in response they try to rebalance the relationship through controlling behaviour.

What usually happens in this state one or both people can start to make the relationship all about them. When anyone starts to behave this way in their relationship and it starts to become their normal behaviour then the relationship is going to struggle to last.

So this needs to change if you want to keep your relationship.

If your partner is making the relationship all about them, the chances are they are in a fear state, if you are controlling maybe you get angry or frustrated at your partner then you are in fear too.

One of the most common situations I see that causes many problems is when the man becomes fearful, which he displays through anger, frustration, shutting down or uses coping strategies such as alcohol.

When the man does this the woman has to become stronger to cope with this weaker behaviour from him.

The man in this place can view the woman to be hard, harsh, non-caring, the reality is he has pushed her to this place. The way he can break through and save his relationship is to help her feel more secure through love and understanding.

This what she really wants, if she feels like she has to be the man in the relationship he starts to become pointless to her.

She can love him in this place, but she no longer sees him as a sexual partner. He becomes more like one of her children and this is when she really starts to look down on him, he feels that there is no hope, he has no idea how to please her.

Many relationship fail through this lack of understanding of how to get back how you were when you first met.

If this is happening for you get in touch because it’s not difficult to correct.

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sence of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset, because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomena where even through we speak the same language in our case english we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up we create a map which helps us make sence of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someones map? The map is the some total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this create very unique needs.

Plus your map is experienced through your state at any given time, so an event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop and this creates feeling of being disconnected, this creates fear.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling at some point in our lives this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place you have less fear, and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

I’m constantly in fear of losing him…

Whats interesting about this message is, that the focus on losing him will make losing him a possibility. If you are in this place, or you know of  a friend who has this worry the best way to help is through understanding.

Have a think about these words

  • How attractive is the person that is always worrying?
  • The person worrying is likely to be very behaving differently from the happy version of her
  • Controlling behaviours are very likely
  • Loss of emotional control through fear
  • Maybe looking for proof he will go

You see the best way to keep your man is to become an amazing you, if you worry and focus negatively you become internally focused and on a search for more  problems. Of course you will find them which will help you to worry more. In this place you will want to protect you, and so you may pull your love away just in case, of course he feels this and will start to feel he is failing you.

  • Your focus on your problems is helping him to feel bad about himself, if this goes on for too long he will attach those bad feeling to you.

The best way to keep your partner is to change your focus from worry about losing him to a new question focused on keeping him. What kind of man does my husband or partner want to be, and what kind of behaviours in a woman would he find attractive?

You only have to look back to your dating days to find answers…

What I am saying is switch your focus to becoming an amazing you. The fearful you is hurting you both. Your mission is to create a new confident you one that understands your own needs, one that knows how to give herself what she needs and is then free to fearlessly give to her partner what he needs.

The focus of this new woman is on growth and contribution, her focus is on where she is going and who she wants to be, so she feels safe to give.

If you are interested to learn more about how to stop negative behaviours and build confidence please get in touch today.

Can you explain this…?

These are just a fraction of the messages that come into my sessions each week, and I just wonder if you can explain how these behaviours are possible, is it temporary madness? Or is there more to it, what do you think?

  • How is it possible for a man to scream out of control at his wife even though he says he loves her?
  • How is it possible for a woman to self harm when she feels scared she won’t be loved?
  • How is it possible for a woman to not say a word when her husband upsets her even if depression becomes her result?
  • How is it possible for a woman to be close to suicide after her partner leaves her?
  • How is it possible for a man to think that being right is more important than saving his marriage?
  • How is it possible for a man to run away from his relationship every time things get tough?
  • How is it possible for a man or a woman to seeminly change personality almost over night?
  • How is it possible for a man to see his wife in pain, yet make her pain all about him?
  • How is it possible for a man to punish his wife and expect her to feel more love for him?
  • How is it possible for a man to complain that he can’t bear his wife shouting at him and if it carries on he will leave, yet when I ask how often this happen he says once a year?
  • How is it possible for a woman to keep nagging knowing that it never works, but keeps on regardless?
  • How is it possible for couple to know their relationship is in trouble, but bury their heads in the sand?
  • How is it possible that woman feel so scared to become vulnerable and feminine?
  • How is it possible when problems happen sad people get sadder, depressed people get more depressed, angry people get more angry, loving people connect with others, fighters find an excuse to fight?
  • How is it possible for a man to come to sessions with me to work on his marriage yet still have an affair that he said he stopped months before?
  • How is it possible for a man to believe that money is the power in his relationship?
  • How is it possible for a woman to become so masculine?
  • How is it possible for a man to be so needy, yet controling?
  • How is it possible for a woman to fear her husband is having an affair yet he has done nothing, but love her for 20 years?

Why is it this way do you know?

The answer is simple these behaviours are learnt from the persons past and are behaviours for the most, based on fear and control. These people are trying to meet their needs, but in ways that will only hurt them.

Typical causes are past heightened emotional experiences and poor role models growing up.

Every person has a different driver and different fear, but these behaviours can be devastating for those people and those that love them.

If you are experiencing these problems then please feel free to get in touch.