Can you explain this…?

These are just a fraction of the messages that come into my sessions each week, and I just wonder if you can explain how these behaviours are possible, is it temporary madness? Or is there more to it, what do you think?

  • How is it possible for a man to scream out of control at his wife even though he says he loves her?
  • How is it possible for a woman to self harm when she feels scared she won’t be loved?
  • How is it possible for a woman to not say a word when her husband upsets her even if depression becomes her result?
  • How is it possible for a woman to be close to suicide after her partner leaves her?
  • How is it possible for a man to think that being right is more important than saving his marriage?
  • How is it possible for a man to run away from his relationship every time things get tough?
  • How is it possible for a man or a woman to seeminly change personality almost over night?
  • How is it possible for a man to see his wife in pain, yet make her pain all about him?
  • How is it possible for a man to punish his wife and expect her to feel more love for him?
  • How is it possible for a man to complain that he can’t bear his wife shouting at him and if it carries on he will leave, yet when I ask how often this happen he says once a year?
  • How is it possible for a woman to keep nagging knowing that it never works, but keeps on regardless?
  • How is it possible for couple to know their relationship is in trouble, but bury their heads in the sand?
  • How is it possible that woman feel so scared to become vulnerable and feminine?
  • How is it possible when problems happen sad people get sadder, depressed people get more depressed, angry people get more angry, loving people connect with others, fighters find an excuse to fight?
  • How is it possible for a man to come to sessions with me to work on his marriage yet still have an affair that he said he stopped months before?
  • How is it possible for a man to believe that money is the power in his relationship?
  • How is it possible for a woman to become so masculine?
  • How is it possible for a man to be so needy, yet controling?
  • How is it possible for a woman to fear her husband is having an affair yet he has done nothing, but love her for 20 years?

Why is it this way do you know?

The answer is simple these behaviours are learnt from the persons past and are behaviours for the most, based on fear and control. These people are trying to meet their needs, but in ways that will only hurt them.

Typical causes are past heightened emotional experiences and poor role models growing up.

Every person has a different driver and different fear, but these behaviours can be devastating for those people and those that love them.

If you are experiencing these problems then please feel free to get in touch.

7 Ways To Create A Better Relationship

We all want a better relationship so what has to happen for that to be a possibility. Let’s make the assumption that better equals lasting and passionate.

1. Get addicted to meeting your partners needs.

One of the biggest relationship killers is a persons needs not being met by the relationship. The couple will start to notice that the relationship no longer meets their needs and assume the relationship is the wrong one.

2. Live true to your own values.

Anyone who has the inability to live true to their own values will be in conflict with themselves. This changes that persons behaviours and stops them being the person they are designed to be. If you feel that you or your partner have changed in some way this can the reason.

3. Make sure you have the right polarity (+-) in your relationship.

Women can get very strong if they don’t get what they need from a relationship, this means the man will usually becomes weak, or he may bully especially when she gets upset. Neither is attractive and results in the woman disconnecting with her true self. This means that intimacy can become a problem in the relationship. The man will also start to feel he can never please his partner so he will either stay and get weaker (boy like) or he will leave the relationship to re-connect with his masculine self again.

4. Never make your partner wrong or judge them.

Nobody is qualified to judge anyone else, you would have to be that person to understand why they do what they do. YOU are the only person you are qualified to judge. So if you want to communicate anything, communicate how you feel when they act in ways you don’t like.

5. Never punish your partner.

One of the key goals in any relationship is to help your partner feel great about themselves and attach all those wonderful feelings to you. If you punish your partner what happens is they attach bad feeling to you and this over time takes it’s toll.

6. Create a future that exciting

Many couples seem to have no real plan for their future together, they may have plans for their careers, but the reason they are together gets lost. What is the purpose of your relationship? What is your own life purpose and passion?

7. We all want to be with amazing people and I know many of you are disappointed with your partner and your relationship.

If you want an amazing partner in your life then the best route to it, is to become an amazing partner yourself first. That amazing you will help you to no longer fear the world, and from that place you will be in a place to GIVE. GIVING is the life blood of any relationship. People that are fearful usually take from a relationship and so the relationship becomes one that trades to meet the needs of the individual.

This is not romantic, or loving in any way so it’s little wonder that trading relationships are not passionate. People who trade in relationships are disconnected to their own values because they fear something.

  • Please feel free to add your own thoughts to this list…

Why Relationships Breakdown Really?

One of the major problems I see in relationships in trouble is their refusal to give to their partner just in case they don’t get back what they need.

The translation is this: “I expect more from you than I am prepared to give, just incase I don’t get the love I need from you.”

This pulling love away to protect themselves is very common, but has zero chance of working, if keeping the relationship is the goal.

  • Where is the growth in the relationship if you both pull away, or hold back.

So the couple live in a stalemate, wanting the relationship to work, but never being brave enough to take the first step.

So what is going on in the couples minds, why would you pull love away from someone you say you love?

Conditioning is the first point. Society has conditioned us to punish when someone does us a wrong so this is automatic in most people. The sad thing is people don’t feel more love after being punished so what they have learnt growing up is now destroying their relationship.

The next thing is fear: They fear not getting what they need. If the behaviours in a relationship are driven by fear then the relationship is becoming distorted and the relationship will drift into problems.

The result is the couple starts to make the relationship all about ME!

As soon as the couple stop giving to each other unconditionally, they will start to trade with each other to get what they need from the relationship.

The fear has created a trading relationship, where “… if you do this for me, then I will do this for you!”

This model a couple adopts will radically reduce the intimacy in the relationship, or will result in it ending, neither is good.

Plus the oldest trading relationship is prostitution and I can’t imagine many couples being happy with that as a model in their relationship.

If you want to keep your relationship GIVE LOVE and don’t make it all about YOU!

Please feel free to comment below…

Why Do Men Cheat?

One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?

Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.

  • To make my position crystal clear: There are never any circumstances where having an affair is the right thing to do.

However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.

My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]

Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

Relationship Break Up Ruined My life

When two people make a promise to love each other forever, and in many cases for better or for worse, the shock of a break up is like being hit by a train and plunged into darkness.

Even those that know the relationship has not been working are totally devastated when reality strikes and their partner just gives up and leaves.

You still love them, but you hate them too, you want them back, but you don’t.

The future you had hoped for is ripped from you, and you are plunged into massive uncertainty that is so scary that you can feel a shift in you, you didn’t think was humanly possible.

Of course everyone reacts differently, but these are just some of the powerful emotions that a break up causes, add children into the mix and the fall out can be massively magnified, although children can help to keep the sanity as their survival becomes more critical than your own. [Read more...]

Relationships hits trouble – Is the end the solution!?

When a relationship hits rocky ground and the future seems very uncertain. The couples natural reaction is to want to fight what they believe is causing the problem...

A lot of couples blame each other, so they assume that their compatibility is wrong and blame the relationship. They believe that this where their fight is, so they start the fight there. Seems logical of course, I’m not feeling good based on your behaviours so the reason we are in trouble is because of you, or we are just not a good fit.

Obvious solution, end the relationship!

That will get rid of the initial pain and open up the possibility of a far better future…however…

…It is likely that the relationship patterns will run again, and show up in the next relationship too. It’s not until individuals go through this a few times and a lot of pain, do they start to question what the real problem might be.

What if the fight is not the fault of the relationship…

…what if you think it’s the relationship and your wrong, who has to pay for that major error of judgement?

What if the behaviours in you, or your partner was driven from past events long before you met. This means it’s not the real you, or your partners’ true self, or your relationship that is the real problem! [Read more...]

Relationship Coaching Sessions: Why Is Love The Answer?

One of the first things a couple has to understand, is that the answer to their relationship problems is in the love they have to give each other.

What couples usually do is pull their love away when their partner does something wrong.

So in the relationship sessions the couple go through a process of understanding the importance of living by what they believe is important. Not only does pulling love away not create love, but it also creates a destructive conflict within the individual who is pulling away.

The result is a double hit of internal problems for the individual pulling away. They experince a lack of love from their partner and the inability to trust themselves to live by their own values and beliefs. This serves to further create feelings of a heightened lack of security, this feels worse and so the result is usually more punishment all round as their state deteriorates.

The sessions are designed to help the couple understand how to create the right versions of themselves. The version they will have created is one of fear that life was not going to be the way it should be for them. This is the version that is designed for destruction, and is very different from the version they used to attract each other. [Read more...]

Relationship Problems Explained

I have many couples and individuals come to me when life doesn’t feel how they had hoped. They share with me feelings of not being themselves, disconnected in some way.

From this place everything seems worse, they create a fear that life may not be the same again, this serves to create more fear.

This fear is normal within individuals no matter what situation they find themselves in. From victims of affairs, to those on the receiving end of a break-up all feel that fear, but in any relationship situation that does not feel right, that fear can feel very real and scary.

Those that find themselves in this place are usually after two key things, they want to feel “significant” and they want to feel “secure”. [Read more...]

How to get him back

Dear Stephen,

About a year ago, when I was still together with Paul, the man of my dreams, I was in repetitive phone contact with my ex boyfriend who wanted to be back together with me. I did not tell Paul anything about this contact as I did not want to disturb our new and fresh relationship.

Unfortunately Paul found out and did not handle the situation well at all. It turned into a nightmare and he accused me of wanting my ex back, accused me of cheating behind his back and got in contact with my ex to tell him off in a rude way. I am sure this kind of behaviour is due to problems in earlier relationships where his girlfriends had ‘really’ cheated on him. He became a very insecure man and now I did more or less the same to him.

The months that followed were full of accusations and hurt. We both hung in there, was our love so strong. But we never worked it out, up until today he was not able to let go of that situation and to move on from it. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill FIVE of SEVEN

Yesterday we looked at how anyone can reignite the passion in their relationship and can give themselves permission to drop the accepted assumption that Relationships + Time automatically equals a loss of passion.

  • What we are getting to now is honesty in your relationship.
  • I have a question for you, is “honesty” important to you? I expect the answer is yes.
  • When is honesty important? Is it some of the time or all of the time? I expect you’ll want honesty all of the time.

Many couples I work with, and I see a lot every year all have one thing in common, they are not honest with each other and more importantly they are not honest with themselves. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill FOUR of SEVEN

Now we can start to get to the fun stuff, please remember you are free to comment or ask questions at the bottom of this post…

Many couples go through a process of expecting the passion in their relationships to die over time. So with this expectation we accept the loss of passion as apart of our lives as the process of time passes and impacts us all.

Yes that’s right…. speak to anyone it happens and we all know it does.

Well here is my take on this… The person who started that rumor NEEDS SHOOTING, all that’s happened is you, we, society has hypnotised/conditioned us to believe that this total rubbish is true. I mean talk about the best away to put young couples off life long commitments… [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill TWO of SEVEN

I hope you enjoyed and could relate to Master Skill ONE. Today we are going to look at what happens when the relationship becomes all about “ME”.

One of the most prominent behaviours I see in couples is their desire to punish their partners when they don’t feel that they are getting what they need. They fear what a future in this relationship will be like and make it all about them. This fear in them creates a person who decides to take from the relationship through fear of not getting what they want.

Their taking also feels bad because they want to just receive what they need and the asking also feels bad. In this position they will start to punish their partner to wake them up, or teach them a lesson. [Read more...]

Today’s Relationship Tip

If you want an amazing relationship full of passion one that will last, what has to happen? Today I am going to share with you one tip that will make all the difference.

This is the thing that most people fear doing and most of us are conditioned not to do when relationships get tough.

The secret is to become the best partner you can be today, no matter what you believe your partner has done to you.

I assume if you have a relationship that you want to keep it? So how attractive do you think you are to your partner when you pull your love away?

Relationships usually work in the opposite ways to what you think, so be brave and become the person you want to be NOW. Don’t change who you are due to your fears, stay strong and become someone who no matter what, can stay focused on who they are.

If you are a loving person give love, if your partner has done something that has hurt you, it is very likely that you have very little understanding of their behaviours, you have not had their life or their upbringing so you are not qualified to judge them so…

Rather than judging them love them in times that they feel pain and understand this. Very often we hurt those closest to us, but the real message is that they feel safe to be who they are with you and they are telling you they want help and they trust you to be that help.

Love is always the answer. So give it unconditionally and without fear. Most of us want unconditional love, but we are too scared to give it. Your relationship will suffer if this is you, remember you don’t love to receive love, you love because that is a part of who you are.

When the chemistry goes and relationships change…

Today we are looking at what happens in most relationships and how to avoid doing the same..

Do you remember when you met your partner and how it was for you? How you felt when you thought of them, how you felt just before you saw them, how life suddenly started to feel different and exciting again.

Do you remember what you did? The chances are you actually did very little, the chemical reaction within you created all the drive you needed to want to do all the things that convinced you and your partner to decide that creating a life together would be amazing.

When couples first meet they usually can’t keep their hands off each other and they create the illusion that this is how life will be. This becomes fact within their minds that they are some how unique and problems only happen in other peoples lives.

But then something changes…

The chemical reaction goes, and the motivation stops you doing everything that worked and fear and problems are now not far away. The couple then start hurting each other as they blame the other for the change. Pulling love away as a means to get back to the euphoria they once felt.

The couple that once put so much effort in to giving, have slowly become takers and this strategy never works.

If you give love to receive love then you are “trading in love” and that never feels good.

The answer is to give love regardless of what others do, you do this because this who you are… “A loving person!”

Defining who you are and living by your own rules and consistently and fearlessly becoming who you are is critical for your happiness. This is the real secret to passionate lasting relationships.

If you create an amazing version of you, that lives your life to your highest standards, you instantly become more attractive and happier.

When fear strikes couples, they pull love away, the couple instantly become unattractive to each other, the reverse of what they really want.

When couples come to me for help, usually blaming each other for their problems, one of my key goals is to build their confidence to be fearless in their quest to be who they really are. Not the distorted unhappy version that fitted in, trying to re-balance the relationship to feel happy again, but never sure quite how to fix it.

Becoming who you really want to be takes courage, but when you do, you’ll feel the spark ignite within you, as you start to create the behaviours that first attracted you both.

You cannot point the finger of blame at your partner if you have not been who you really are too. Stop looking for blame today and start looking for new behaviours that create relationships that grow and ignite passion.

  • Too many people claim to be honest, yet they are not honest with themselves about what they have become in their own relationship.

Which version of “YOU” is running your relationship?

Have you noticed that you have to change your behaviours as life conditions change. For example you are different at work than you are with friends and family, or you are different with children than you are with you partner.

All day and every day you are shifting into different versions of yourself without thinking. We all do this and with little thought to what it really means. The meanings are important for your future…

You have been doing this since childhood and so whatever life condition you were presented with as a child, this sets a template for how you will deal with certain life situations as they present themselves..

For Example: A child that has been “abused” in some way might have a desire to “escape”. Whenever life becomes difficult for them in the future they will run that pattern.

How they run the pattern is to shift into a fearful version of themselves, just like we all do all day every day with other versions of ourselves without thinking. In this fear version of themselves they will run the “escape” pattern and so they could run away, or become introverted or shut down.

To them this is totally normal, but to others and especially in relationships when the relationship presents them with problems, they are likely to run their learnt pattern.

The problem is this learnt pattern was created by a child to cope with their perception of the world and how life should be. As adults without knowing we run these patterns automatically, but due to the immaturity of the creator of the pattern these patterns never work as adults.

It’s like having a child running your life when life conditions get tough. Of course the result of the pattern is nearly always destructive. It can wreck lives, families and be passed as a pattern through generations.

Fear pattern can manifest themselves in many ways, you may become angry and become loud to cope. You may turn to people pleasing that disrespects you, some turn to substances.

Whatever coping mechanism you use, when you or your partner go into fear, you can be sure it was learnt, it and it will feel as natural as breathing.

Is your partner destroying your relationship, they used to be wonderful, but today something has changed? Are you noticing that you have change and behave in ways that confuse you.

Maybe you are having affairs and don’t understand why.

These all create behaviours that can create depression and breakdowns as we start to reject ourselves not knowing that it is only one part of ourselves that has created the problem yet we reject every part even the wonderful parts of us leading us into despair.

Many couples divorce because of these patterns as both people go into fear states when they feel that something is wrong, or they can’t see a future together. This perspective is an illusion based on the parrten and is why those that do split or divorce then live to regret it. It is why so many second marriages end in divorce fast as the pattern is now on read alert from the first failed marriage.

  • Most of the time the relationship is not the problem the pattern is the culprit.

I run self discovery sessions for individuals and couples to understand what is really going on and how to cope with it. For more information please click here.

What will make your partner want to leave you?

In short your partner will have a desire to leave if they cannot see a future with you, or the future they can see is one they fear having.

Of course what they are experiencing is a perception of what might be, but to them it feels real and so taking how they feel seriously is important.

When someone in a relationship goes for prolonged periods of not feeling good about themselves in the context of their relationship they have to find ways in which they can feel happy.

What the relationship experiences is where it used to fulfill the needs of the individuals it no longer does and so the individuals start to look outside of the relationship to feel good again.

Woman may go to friends, children or parents to feel important or secure. Men might work longer hours to gain the same security.

The couple can start to resent the areas of their partners life that have taken their place.

If this goes on for too long the next stage is fear for their future as resentment starts to settle in. As life becomes more difficult for the couple and harmony has left the relationship, both people can start to meet their needs in way that contradicts what in normal life they would class as bad behaviour.

They start to behave in ways that are the total opposite of what they really believe in. In these places activities such as affairs become a real possibility.

What’s key to understand is as soon as anyone in a relationship is not having their critical needs met they will have no choice but to go elsewhere to get them met. This is not choice it is a critical human need. You maybe thinking that sex is the driver, but in many cases it’s a need to feel important, loved, secure or maybe just to have adventure where the relationship is stale.

So unless you know what your partner needs how can you help them meet them. If you don’t know what you need how can your help your partner be successful with you.

Many couples fall into this trap, they have no idea how to communicate what they really need and so the relationship is basically a ticking bomb.

It will end up either over, or passionless… Do you understand your partners needs?

What are the weapons in your relationships

Many relationships are suffering today because as the individuals in the relationship start to feel something is not right for them they use certain behaviours to help them feel safe again.

The behaviours are the tools that individuals have learnt that keeps the relationship together, but in a way that makes them both unhappy.

The couple maybe experiencing a conflict of not knowing what to do. If they stay in the relationship they are in pain, miserable, if they leave the relationship they cannot imagine life without their partner.

The weapons that people use can range from humor to threats to leave, from withholding intimacy to running away.

They use these tools as leverage to get what they want from their relationships. The problems is the weapons or tools are being used to re-balance the relationship from a place of fear.

A fear of life not being the way the individual wants it to be. So the actions and result all come from and create a distortion of the truth in the relationship.

The key to helping relationships is to help the couple feel safe enough and incentivised enough that there is a better way to achieve the security they both desire whilst creating harmony.

Is this happening in your relationship?

Relationship Advice: Reverse Polarity

Reverse polarity is a when a couple finds themselves in a relationship where the woman is the strong, driving force, more masculine than feminine. The man is usually more feminine in his approach in the relationship maybe wanting a quiet life and just going with the flow even if he does not want to.

What seems strange is at work however he could be strong and respected he could even be a leader on some level. The woman could also connect with her feminine side with friends and children. So day-to-day life does actually bring out their true polarity yet in their relationship they switch back.

Lots of relationships work this way and no one is qualified to judge them, couples that live this way and are happy have no need or desire to change for them it works.

The problem arises when one, or both people in the relationship are not happy, but don’t know why. Reverse Polarity could be the cause, because the what the individuals in the couple really want is to be more of the gender they are designed to be, consciously this will not stand out as the problem and so the problems will present themselves in different ways.

The woman may complain at the man about day-to-day stuff, the man will shut down or remove himself in some way this create a bigger gap between the couple as she becomes stronger to cope and he becomes more beaten knowing he can never please her.

For example: A woman can resent her partner for not being the man in the relationship. She wants desperately to connect with that vulnerable, soft version of herself. But the thought of doing so scares her, because she has a fear that she will not be safe if she does. She needs that masculine strength and power to cope with life. At some point in her life she learnt this.

She could have come from a divorced family or she may have created the masculine versions in past relationships to cope with being mistreated or her current relationship could have created this tough version of her.

He has also learnt his behaviours either from a dominant mother or maybe a string of relationships where he felt he could never please his partners and so he gave up. He will have a burning desire to please his partner, but will find he never can and so he gives up.

Couples that first meet in this place have a huge connection and a passionate chemistry because the reverse polarity creates a unique attraction for them. BUT, it is usually not long before one of them goes to a place of fear, because something does not feel right and they either split-up quickly, or distort themselves to cope with their relationships.

They create a relationship that is one big compromise, never really connecting with who they are, but too scared leave the relationship. In a strange way this for them becomes home and it’s likely eventually to be devoid of all passion.

Like brother and sister, but also not… She might say to friends… “ I have him well trained” and he will have lost his spark seemingly going through the motions, maybe using disrespectful humor to cope with his dominant partner.

It becomes a strange mix of a lack of respect with no desire to be apart for those who hit the “wall” and decide to stay and accept that this is good enough, better the devil you know.

Do you wish your man could be the man in your relationship and keep you safe, and love you no matter what. Or are you a man that has lost his masculine energy and you feel that whatever you do you cannot please her.

If this is you I can help…

Relationship Boundaries and Values

Are you teaching your partner how to hurt you without knowing?

What do you want your partner to learn about you and what’s important to you? Understanding what you teach your partner is critical. Your behaviours to their actions creates the boundaries that are supposed to be keeping you safe secure and happy. So in your relationship you would expect to have basic values such as trust, respect, honesty.

The problem arises when individuals fail to give these basic values to themselves. Many people claim that certain things like “respect” are important then disrespect themselves in their own relationships. The result is potentially catastrophic for them and their relationship.

Many people who attend my sessions are initially confused about setting clear boundaries in their relationships.

If boundaries are not set then what happens you will teach your partners that they can do anything to you and it’s OK. You may complain, cry, scream, throw things, but at the end of the day if they do what they like and you accept it on some level, it’s likely they will do it again.

This can be from little things such as being taken for granted to full blown affairs.

I have seen the most angelic people men and women taking advantage of their partners lack of boundaries, to degrees you would not believe.

This happens because even the most outwardly honest, kind and gentle folk have the capability to go to a place of fear when life does not feel right for them. From this place all that is important to them becomes unimportant in the moment and they can do the most destructive things, they openly admit they are ashamed of.

This is why understanding your core values for life is critical, because when you know your values they will tell you why you feel so bad.

If you feel bad your values will tell you specifically what has happened and why. You are then armed to communicate that to your partner. This level of communication will create a secure, respectful and honest behaviours in both of you.

If more couples would communicate honestly to their partners as things do not feel good, then this would make creating boundaries easier and avoid accumulation of resentment and fears.

I cannot stress enough how important this is to your relationships and your life.

Without knowing you could be teaching your partner how to destroy your relationship because you fear them leaving you, so you’re afraid to be honest with them.

When you do not respect, trust and love YOU how can you expect your partner to.

Far too many people run their relationships from a place of fear. I have seen enough evidence that fear in relationships creates the very thing the individual fears. Plus even if they do manage to stay together, they will always feel that something is not right.

When this happens the passion suffers.

Tell your partner what is critical for you to have in your relationship. Critical means that if you don’t have it the relationship will suffer. For example “I need to be able to trust you” or “I need to feel respected and important to you” Tell your partner what you need, and how they can be successful at giving it to you. When you don’t feel you are getting what you need tell them why.

Most of all, be consistent. If one day you accept behaviours you don’t like, and other days you don’t, you are creating confusion.

Remember your boundaries are there to protect you and to help you grow harmony in your relationships from a place of respect and honesty both for them and you.

With the right boundaries you will feel safer, not only in your relationship, but safer that you can trust you, to respect you and give you what you need to be happy.