Toxic marriage had crippled him and ignited his deepest fears

This gentleman was clearly in the wrong relationship with a wife with a very troubled past. He had suffered for years with her, not wanting to leave her, but knowing something was very wrong.

He came to me totally lost and uncertain about his future because she had asked for a divorce and his world was collapsing around him.

He was depressed, anxious and stressed.

So why had he stayed in a marriage that was so wrong and why was he not relieved it was all over? [Read more...]

Who have you become in your relationship?

Helping a person connect with their true-self is a significant part of helping that person discover the truth in their relationship – should they stay or go? 

If your relationship is in trouble the message below is for you.

Couples living in marital crisis will both be living in versions of themselves that is not reflective of who they are. Fear is going to be very alive in one or both people.

Fear can be a very destructive force in relationships because the fear can grow to the point where resentments can take hold and create needs such as possessiveness, jealousy and control, these powerful feelings can help a person feel a need to withdraw or have a need to be right. [Read more...]

Couples are creating destructive dynamics under the illusion they are safer that way

If you want a relationship for life then what you are about to read is going to be critical to understand. If you are in marital crisis it’s so important to understand how you got there. In fact what you are about to read is for anyone who values relationships and wants to keep them, or save them.

The challenge all couples face is one or both people can develop a need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. They want to feel certain their partner will always love them, be there for them. All sounds reasonable so far…

To be clear, the challenge isn’t in the needing to feel safe and secure, the challenge is the way nearly everyone does it.

Remember the divorce rate is really high for a reason, [Read more...]

Trust issues: Taking back control

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]

Emotional disconnection is crippling relationships

I can’t stress enough how important this is as it’s probably the most common message I hear when I’m helping couples rebuild their relationship out of crisis. 

For example: Many females complain that their partners don’t understand them. They feel they can’t connect emotionally with their partner and so if they have ever tried it’s a hopeless quest.

They feel the relationship has little depth, it’s essentially transactional. Some do claim to get on very well, but their attraction sexually is disconnected so they live more as friends.

Many of these females feel their partner either doesn’t care or lacks the ability to be able to connect with her.

I also see many men feeling equally not heard and misunderstood they just show it very different ways. Many men complain that no matter what they do it doesn’t work so in the end they can give up. [Read more...]

The POWER our fears are having on our relationships

We all have fears, but what happens when by trying to avoid our fears it leads us to what we fear most. This is so basic that it should be taught in schools. Sadly very few are aware of the impact it is having on their lives.

You see having a fear means that on some level that fear is part of our focus. My regular readers and my clients already know, that what we focus on will create what we ultimately get in life.

What’s important to learn is this ‘focus’ does not have to be a conscious one for it to become a goal you haven’t chosen. [Read more...]

This is the truth that if understood will set couples free

Yes this is a big statement, but I don’t make it lightly. As you scan this post today you may start to see a possibility that was not there before.

When problems start to occur in a relationship one of the automatic processes that individuals experience is they respond to their problems with their habitual coping strategies. These are behaviours usually designed to protect them from being hurt emotionally.

The problem this behaviour creates is the person is now focused on protecting themselves rather than contributing positively to the relationship. This means they are no longer an effective contributor to the relationship and are actually contributing to the destruction of the relationship. [Read more...]

A professional couple new baby at the point of divorce.

He worked in the financial sector she was a psychologist. In their initial consultation it was clear to see their relationship was dying fast. With a new baby that wasn’t sleeping I could see this couple was exhausted and emotionally empty.

Combination of punishing work schedules and a 18 month old child who was too ill to sleep had triggered this couple into an automatic destructive process that had to be interrupted.

Both were focused on protecting themselves from the other, they were displaying all the usual coping strategies of blame, recrimination and power struggles leading to unbearable conflicts and days of deafening silences.  [Read more...]

Who are the couples most likely to fix their marriage?

Couples that are most likely to fix their relationship are the ones that will do whatever it takes to fix it. They are the people who want to get to the truth even if the truth is tough.

The people who fix their relationships are not looking for the quick fix. They are prepared to do what’s hard now, so the rest of their life is easy. This is in stark contrast to those couples who’s philosophy is to repeat what feels easy whilst they battle with their problems for life.

Couples that get results are curious to learn. They are open to see the world from a new perspective, their mission is not to be right at all costs. Their mission is simply to get to the truth. [Read more...]

Men and women getting lost in translation

So many couples are frustrated with each other because they have an expectation of their partner that’s almost impossible to achieve because the way they think is so different.

They expect their partner to think and feel a certain way, the truth is the differences are profound and can lead couples into problems they can’t solve.

Examples:

  • [HER] ”He won’t talk about his feelings?” (He feels bad enough why would he want to go over it again and again he will only feel worse, why would he want that? He want’s to solve it quietly on his own and get rid of it fast)
  • [HIM] ”She won’t stop talking about her feelings?” (She needs to talk about them because it helps her to feel better through connecting with those that say they care for her)

Another…. [Read more...]

Couples are asking for more information about why the work I do is so successful…

If you are looking to get concrete answers to your relationship problems and put an end to your fears and worries within a few weeks then this is for you.

In 2013 our programs have helped 95% of clients rebuild a relationship they feared was dead. They learnt how to bring it back to life step-by-step. Some say their relationship has never been this good, yet they started the process thinking it was all over.

What’s unique about our programs is it’s designed specifically for the couple and their specific challenges.

This is a powerfully strategic approach to relationship building, where the couple will learn what it really takes to create a relationship that works based on their specific situation and individual needs. [Read more...]

Marriage Crisis Help: What do we do?

If your marriage is in crisis this means that one of you is starting to give up because they feel they have enough proof the relationship is wrong for them.

The crisis is usually caused by one person saying they have had enough and they are thinking of leaving because they are so unhappy.

This can sound pretty final. If you want to save your marriage, there are very easy and very powerful steps you can take to find out if you are really compatible. [Read more...]

Why does she attack me verbally?

Men are searching for the answer to this question. She is supposed to love me why does she become so aggressive.

Usually she will become aggressive if she feels he doesn’t care about her. Her aggression is usually a desperate attempt to get through to him.

Her aggression is her fear speaking.

She fears not being able to get through, she is likely to be feeling that if her feelings persist she will become too detached from him. [Read more...]

How to save a relationship in crisis?

In today’s post I’m going to look a relationships in crisis and what you have to stop focusing on to fix it and what will give you the best chance of discovering the truth in your relationship.

A relationship crisis can happen for many reasons and it’s a hideous place for both people to be in. Full of uncertainty, fears such as rejection, betrayal, loss of love, feeling of not being enough. The couple can feel it’s hopeless as they are powerless to see how they can overcome their problems. Especially if their problems have been present for a while. [Read more...]

Selection of Testimonials

To help others feel inspired to get results some of my clients have been kind enough to provide detailed information on their experience of what it’s like to work with me.

I hope their stories will inspire you to know massive changes are possible…

To your success

Stephen Hedger


  • My wife told me that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me
  • Break-up: Coaching – I lived with a narcissist for 14 years
  • Relationship Coaching – Husband had moved out
  • Coaching after an affair – Struggles to accept affair
  • Dating Coaching – Years of being alone ended in happiness
  • Relationship coaching – Igniting passion
  • Reuniting families
  • Crisis Coaching – Couple on brink of divorce
  • Pre-Marital Coaching
  • Life coaching – journey of self-discovery
  • Coaching for Chronic Fatigue (ME) & Marriage problems
  • Coaching to overcome fears
  • Infidelity puts marriage in crisis
  • Please save our marriage
  • Coaching through Emotional trauma
  • More…
  • Marriage Tip Two: Are You Enough For Your Partner?

    If a person has a life without a planned direction or purpose then what should that person should expect from their life?

    What would happen to the couple without direction or life purpose, they get married and don’t plan their journey through life? What should they expect from their life together?

    The secret to success in this world is simple, you have to work out where you can add value and plan to add lots of value to whatever is important to you. [Read more...]

    Dating advice that leads couples to pleasure not pain

    Knowing how to date in a way that protects you is critical. I have seen so many married couples in trauma it’s easy to see why when you explore how they dated.

    What was the foundation of their relationship and how has it affected their dynamics?

    If you want to get the best out of your dating then learn from those who have got it wrong. Discover what they did wrong and do the opposite. Today I will cover one aspect of dating that is key if the goal is to find a long-term partner.

    If you speak to couples in trauma what you would discover is what initially attracted them to their partners is no longer attractive and is one of the main causes of their break up. [Read more...]

    When did you and I stop being us?

    She sat hands clasped, lacking in confidence and underweight through worry.  I was exploring with her what their relationship was like in the first year. She was suffering from fears created by a traumatic past that needed understanding and removing, so I had invited her for a one-on-one session with me.

    As she started to tell the stories of what they used to do, how they used to play together, do daft things in public, her face starting to light up and she smiled as she relived those moments where she was happy, clearly connected to her true feminine self.

    As she drifted into that world that filled her with joy, startled she broke her own trance, hand over her mouth she gasped… [Read more...]

    “You NEVER listen to what I say!” “That’s because you’re IMPOSSIBLE to please!”

    Round and round they go pushing each others buttons, testing their love for each other, dying a little each time conflict strikes. Confused by their partners actions they either test some more which equals more conflict, or they shut down holding back their true feelings to protect the relationship.

    Neither works to build a successful relationship and love turns to confusion, then to resentment and ends up with a lack of respect for each other. They blame each other, but they don’t really know what’s going on on, all they know is they are unhappy.

    When the foundations of any relationship are weak, fear is then running that relationship.

    What I find interesting is that when individuals enter a relationship [Read more...]