“You NEVER listen to what I say!” “That’s because you’re IMPOSSIBLE to please!”

Round and round they go pushing each others buttons, testing their love for each other, dying a little each time conflict strikes. Confused by their partners actions they either test some more which equals more conflict, or they shut down holding back their true feelings to protect the relationship.

Neither works to build a successful relationship and love turns to confusion, then to resentment and ends up with a lack of respect for each other. They blame each other, but they don’t really know what’s going on on, all they know is they are unhappy.

When the foundations of any relationship are weak, fear is then running that relationship.

What I find interesting is that when individuals enter a relationship [Read more...]

Important Life Lesson: What’s more compelling than your fears?

We all have fears that hold us back, fears that keep us stuck, fears that limit our quality of life? Fears that stop us earning more, or having rewarding relationships, fear that stop us growing.

Are you aware of what you really fear, or have you chosen to bury it?

Most people do all they can to move away from their fears, but without realising their fears then control their lives.

When recently working with a client, I asked him a question. “If I asked you to walk on a plank of wood 1 foot wide, 12 foot long that was 1 foot off the ground, would he do it for twenty british pounds?” [Read more...]

My Wife is Aggressive what do I do?

If you find yourself in this situation firstly understand there is a really good reason behind it. So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on the relationship.

There are two forms of aggression, one which is verbal the other is phyisical violence. The one we are looking at today is verbal agression only.

If your wife becomes verbally aggressive she is trying to get a message through to you. It has become more aggressive because she feels that you have not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping you will understand. [Read more...]

I want to trust but I can’t

If someone has a problem with trust it can cause big problems in their relationships. Trust is a fundamental part of growth. Without trust the relationship dies.

When I work with individuals who are challenged in this area what we usually discover is they don’t know how to trust themselves. Some are aware of this within themselves and some don’t know.

A person who doesn’t know how to trust themselves feels they will be safer if they create some kind of blanket coping mechanism that fits all situations. [Read more...]

She had an affair but years later it still tortures him… WHY!!?

“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…

It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.

This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]

His OCD is Destroying Our Marriage – She was about to leave him with her new baby!

She walked into my session with the biggest smile, she was ready to learn more about herself. This was a very different version of her that I had met just three weeks earlier, so I was naturally curious about what had changed for her.

Three weeks ago she came to a session with her husband, she told me she was about to leave him. She didn’t want to go, but for her, life with her new baby a 10 month old had become unbearable and this was because of his OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) behaviour. [Read more...]

Releasing The Power That Creates Change in Your Life

Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.

Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.

A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]

Relationships are destroyed because of this one action…

If your relationship is struggling it’s usually because there is a needs issue. The couple feel that their own needs are not being met and so they feel that something is wrong.

For example a man could be complaining that the intimacy has declined. A woman could complain that she has to do everything?

Everyone has their own versions of their needs not being met so when it happens it can cause real problems.

What you can notice is the emphasis is on what THEY are NOT getting. If this goes on for long enough they can stop trusting each other to be the source of happiness. [Read more...]

Living the Life You Were Born to Live

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Have you wondered what your life purpose is? Do you feel lost unsure of your direction in life? Maybe you feel your relationship never feels right? Do you notice you are focused on what’s wrong a lot of the time? Or maybe you are avoiding doing things because you are fearful you will get hurt? May be you feel you have to control your outside world so you can feel ok?

If this is you then this is important to know and could change your life…

If you wanted to discover the cure to many of your life problems starting at understanding the immense power of your own values would be a wonderful beginning to a successful life in control of your direction and what happens to you.

Values are the foundation of your emotional life, in other words how you focus and experience the world. If you are not aware of what they are and how they are set-up and working within you, you may find your emotions run you.

Most people are in this place, they live in reaction to their world always moving away from painful feelings, constantly focused internally, going round-and-round in their minds looking for solutions never finding answers. They end up living in smaller and smaller worlds in their quest to control their fears.

The transformation I see clients go through when they understand their values is remarkable, the more extreme their problem the bigger the change they feel. [Read more...]

Can YOU be YOU in Your Relationship?

Are you being you in your relationship, or do you have to make the effort to act differently? Maybe you are treading on eggshells, or maybe you feel controlled by your partners’ usual reaction which for you is destructive.

Many people change their behaviours to protect themselves and their relationship from harm. Whilst the intent is good the reality is the honesty has gone and this puts the couple in conflict with themselves and this creates internal fears which can lead to low emotional states, stress and depression.

For example: A wife may hold inside what she is really feeling, because she knows if she connects with what’s wrong for her and becomes too emotional, he will run-away, or get so angry that she sees no point, so she holds it in. Of course this results in building resentment in her which can ruin the relationship.

or [Read more...]

Who Are You? What is Your Life Purpose?

Do you know? Unless you know who you are, how will you create a “Life Purpose”? Do you know what your life purpose is? Does this suddenly feel important for you to know?

For most when this question is considered they can start to feel uneasy as they start to realise that the days are flicking by faster and faster. They will notice that they have no real direction and the days just happen to them, so they live in reaction to what the world throws at them.

Life is happening all around them, they are part of it, but they are not in control of a direction that has a meaning defined by them – in essence they are out of control.

Most people like to use label to define themselves, I.E. I’m a Doctor, or a Banker, or a House Wife. These are great, but do those labels really define who they are and is that their life purpose? [Read more...]

Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

We all Need to Be Loved…

Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.

  • So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…

No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.

When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.

Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.

Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.

This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.

So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.

For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.

What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.

My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.

I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)

So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.

This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.

You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!

The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.

If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.

Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.

If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.

So you see you are far safer giving love than not…

What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.

It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.

At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.

Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.

Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.

Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.

In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.

If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.

Remember please share this post with all those you care about.

One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

It is true that not all relationships can or should be saved. Some relationships are in real crisis and need special attention that’s designed to discover if they are really compatible.

The balance of goals is usually different for couples in place i.e. one person wants to save the relationship the other wants to leave. I like to take the pressure off this situation, by focusing on helping them to achieve something good for themselves.

The goal initially becomes a focus on a future of happiness for the individuals regardless of the outcome. The possibility of happiness brings a breath of fresh air to the couple and takes pressure off the person who wants to leave the relationship.

You see if the relationship has been going wrong for a while both people will have changed how they react to each other due to the accumulated fears of an uncertain history  together.

They will have tried to make it work, but with no relationship education they will only be trying what they know, and this will be limited. Now they feel they have proof the relationship is over.

In other words “fears” will be making decisions and they usually make bad ones.

So it becomes a real relief for the individuals to create a new goal to focus on creating confidence and happiness within themselves at a time when they are saturated with a focus on getting strong and moving away from pain of all that wrong in their lives.

The initial goal is to align the individuals to create behaviours within them that protect them rather than destroy them. A focus on fear or emotional pain on any level just ends up creating more pain.

So if the relationship is wrong it’s far better if both people in the couple can see that and agree there is more pleasure in them parting. This creates a far better relationship if they have children.

The reason behind this is so the couple can look at the relationship from a new resourceful perspective knowing that whatever happens they will be happy.

It’s far easier to correct a relationship if you feel happier in yourself than trying to fix it whilst focused on all your fears and internal pain.

The process of removing fears within the individuals gives the couple a new perspective that helps them get to a place where there are open to building trust with each other.

If the trust building process is successful then we can focus on the needs of the individuals and how they can support each other.

Helping each other meet critical needs is a critical step to help them rebuild the passion which would have gone many month/years back.

As the couple start to reconnect then we can discover the truth in the goals that might cause problems.

Usually what we discover is now the connection is focused on loving and contributing to each others happiness any goal which pulled them apart no longer seems so attractive.

So “Can My Marriage Be Saved?” the next step is up to you, walking away is easy, but don’t you want to know if you can really trust what you feel?

  • Has this struck a chord with you? If so please get in touch today

Why is our Relationship Failing

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

Building Trust: Trust Issues in Relationships & Rebuilding A Broken Marriage

If you are having any kind of relationship problem this post is about how to build trust in a relationship so it can start to be the way you need it to be.

When the word “trust” is mentioned the usual association is directed towards infidelity. Whilst this is true, the word and how it affects our relationships actually has a much broader meaning.

You might not feel you can trust your partner with others, or you may not be able to trust your partner to create the relationship you wanted and expected.

So in any relationship conflict, I know on some level the couple have stopped trusting each other and this is the first step to rebuilding their relationship.

Why trust problems appear in relationships

When any couple are having problems, both are likely to be in fear states which will result in them both going to self-protection which is a very “ME” focused state and focused what they are not getting from their relationship.

Whenever a relationship enters this phase the love they give each other becomes conditional and so their needs are only met as part of a trade. “If you do this for me, I’ll do this for you!”

This trading process is slowly destructive because it builds up resentment and the couple stop wanting to meet each other needs.

This results in the individuals going outside the relationship to feel good again, places such as work, friends, family, children, hobbies and sometimes other sexual partners.

Building Trust: Learning how to trust again

If the relationship is to survive the couple needs to refocus their energy away from their own fears and towards what they want.

The focus on fears is proven to create their fears in reality and so is not safe if rebuilding trust and saving the relationship is the goal.

Important: For rebuilding trust

If love is what you want in your relationship your goal is to give love in the way your partner wants it.

Most people feel exposed and feel at risk if they do this, BUT in reality they are more at risk if they don’t, pulling love away to protect yourself when things go wrong is a smokescreen for safety, because pulling love away only results in your partner mirroring you in some way.

So fears fuel fears to destroy the trust in any relationship.

If you are have problems and need help rebuilding trust please get in touch.

  • I run a two hour trust building session for all couples.
    Please click Trust Building

She Hadn’t Seen Her Children For Years – “Fear had me paralyzed!”

This lady was very stuck, so stuck her own fears were stopping her fighting to see her own children. Now years had passed and her fear had grown.

To help her I knew I had to help her see her problem differently, in a way which would dissolve her fears and put her back in control of what she could control – her own actions!

After years she has now made contact with her daughter, a wonderful gift at the start of 2012

These are her words….

Life Coaching with Stephen Hedger:

Testimonial from an Anonymous Mother in a Foreign Land

How do I express the extent and depth of Stephen’s capabilities in assisting with the reversal of destroyed relationships?

I’m not talking about marriage in this case. I’m talking about myself as a mother agonizing for years over the estrangement of my young-adult children.  Fear had me paralyzed.  Lack of insight and wisdom had me continually groping while remaining hopeless and buried in on-going anguish.

When Stephen started working with me recently, he began by asking simple yet telling questions that, answered thoroughly and honestly, would probe the depths of my pain and shame.  I decided to answer thoroughly and honestly.

Stephen went right to work.  He delved into letting me know what life has been like for my children, what goes on in their minds, what is at stake and how I need to respond.  I have wondered more than once if he’s psychic.  Uncanny.

This relationship work is hard.  It takes so much courage.  But it is no longer impossible and hopeless.  There is ground being gained and the first signs of hope and relief have appeared.  I still walk in fear, yet it is being steadily replaced with determination and empowerment and positive, effective thinking and action.

For the first time I believe strongly that I will get my children back, that they will eventually be healed and whole.

Thank you, Stephen, for going through the fire with me and holding my hand throughout.  It takes so much fortitude, courage, vision and generosity of spirit to do what you do.  You are saving lives by diving in where it is most dark and dreary and then somehow bringing forth light, strength and belief.

You bring smokescreens to the surface and expose them for what they are.  You get to the heart of the pain and provide a platform from which to work.  I now have the attitude that I will get my children back or die trying.

All our lives depend on it.

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]

What they don’t tell you that you probably need to know!

Are there some fundamentals of life that never get taught? Is there some key knowledge that we all really need to know? What if when we were growing up we have been fed the wrong information, or not been guided in a way that serves us. Did your parents really know how to help you understand how you work, or did they guess?

The chances are they were lost too, so they run their lives on feelings and this is how the trouble begins…

What has to happen before you can feel good?

Many people who find they are unhappy with their life will try to change their external world to help them to feel better. The world has taught them this is how to be successful. The problem is this type of control is short lived and doesn’t work…

For example: Some buy stuff to feel good in the moment. Some people change their appearance with a new hair style, or a new dress even to the extreme of plastic surgery. All of these actions do have an instant feel good factor, but it doesn’t last.

We are conditioned to live in reaction

We all like to feel that we are the controllers of us, but this is so far from the truth, we are governed by our pasts and what information that past has fed us. Question yourself now, I know your parents wanted the best for you, but through their teachings they also passed on to you their limiting beliefs which helped to build the fears you have today.

How would it feel if you no longer had to live in reaction to your world. What if you no longer needed to rearrange your world and those in it for you to be OK?

A example of rearranging your world

A lady with a relationship challenge: She doesn’t get the love she needs from her husband and so she consistently goes to get love from her children. This without her knowing, puts pressure on the children and puts her in conflict with herself and with her relationship. She causes further problems as she withholds love to punish her selfish unloving partner.

Firstly her punishment is conditioning from her past. Society teaches us that if someone does us a wrong we punish them. unfortunately punishment does not create love or growth and so the relationship is being weakened each time it happens.

Her punishment comes from her fears that life is not going to be the way it should be.

As a child she would have created coping strategies when life felt wrong and so she will punish, but she could do it in many ways possibility following her parents limiting patterns of behaviour. I.E. Anger, depression, escape, violence, etc…

We are also conditioned to believe that we are qualified to judge each others behaviours of course for the analysis to be correct you would have to be that person which you are not. This incorrect belief gives us more permission to punish.

Also she would have created fears growing up and these fear are driving her to be in conflict with her true self.

She in this place feels disconnected with her true self and he feels she has changed.

She has changed she has a new purpose based on these fears. Instead of love, contribution and growth she has automatically gone to protection and possibly escape. This limits her from being who she truly is.

The change is core within her, when asked if love is important some of the time or all of the time? She answers all the time. So we can clearly see, if love is important all the time, then when she pulls it away to punish her partner she is in conflict with herself.

The being in conflict with ourselves can cause depression.