My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sence of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset, because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomena where even through we speak the same language in our case english we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up we create a map which helps us make sence of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someones map? The map is the some total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this create very unique needs.

Plus your map is experienced through your state at any given time, so an event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop and this creates feeling of being disconnected, this creates fear.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling at some point in our lives this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place you have less fear, and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

Surviving a relationship break up

If you are going through a relationship break up, or you are struggling to get over a relationship, even though many months have past, it’s very likely that you will be running the same questions, thoughts or movies in your mind over and over in your head.

You might wake in the morning and just for a split second you forget what’s happened and then the horror reveals itself.

You go through the day determined it will get better, but everything seems to remind you of your ex, pulling you back to the how’s and why’s, the confusions and fears.

Some of my clients that have or are going through such traumatic times will all react differently, some get angry, some get depressed, some escape inside themselves, some leave the country. Some look for love from friends and family, some redecorate, some buy new clothes, some re-style their hair.

But whatever they do nothing seems to work! The pain doesn’t go!

You see these people are running patterns that they think will keep them safe through their pain, but it’s doesn’t work.

Many say time is a healer, but unless the individual learns from what’s happened, all time will achieve is a harder, bitter version of them ready for the next bout of pain.

Time will only heal if you know what to do with that time.

You see, break ups are usually full of negative emotional states, creating lack of confidence, self doubt, stress, depression, anger, revenge, hatred etc…

All those feelings are based on one thing… FEAR.

  • Fear of not being enough
  • Fear of not being loved

If all that comes out of a break up is a tougher you, or a depressed, or angry you then this is FEAR at play here too.

The goal in life is to remove your FEARS only then will you be truly free.

FEARS are powerful, they will create states within you that stop you living the life you were born to live. FEARS change the way you behave and so they will redesign your future if you don’t learn how to take control of them.

Fears also shut down the internal mechanisms designed to keep you safe long term. FEARS are designed to get you out of danger fast. But when you are in bed at night you are not in danger the only thing to fear is your own mind, out of control torturing you all over again.

So is fear your enemy? No the fears are designed to help you to change what you are doing and what you are thinking.

The problem is most people don’t know what to change and how to change and that’s why they stay stuck.

If you need help please get in touch because there is a way to a new freedom, confidence for you if you want it. This is not about changing you, it’s about reclaiming the real you, the wonderful you that sits inside trapped!

Is it time to… free that person within you now?!

Anger Management Therapy

Do you feel that anger is causing you and your relationships problems? Do you feel that maybe some kind of anger management therapy could be helpful.

She had a terrible temper and the relationship was suffering

I remember this couple that came to one of my sessions and the the lady in the couple had been advised by her then counselor to go to anger management to keep her temper under control, her husband was delighted. She did as she was advised and the result was she became depressed introverted and disconnected with her true self.

It is key to understand why the anger is there?

Now the relationship was suffering due to her depression. They both decided to come to a consultation with me to see if we could find answers. We explored the relationship and we discovered that her anger was directly connected to her fears that the relationship was not going to work. She felt alone and out of control of her future. Her anger was actually a cry for help.

Her partner had no idea this was the case and instead of loving her and looking after her, he became angry himself and defensive out of frustration, resulting in him shutting himself away. Of course this made her anger worse as it worried her even more as she saw it as proof that her fears were going to come true.

Once he understood her pain through sessions with me, and that he held the key to her security he chose to show her love her through her fears. The result was the trust was rebuilt and magically her fears disappeared, and her anger stopped.

Anger Management? Do you want to manage it or get rid of it?

Through understanding how we work and how our emotions are created, we can rid ourselves of those automatic emotions that can cause us so many problems, not only for ourselves, but in relationships and the outside world.

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

Does Marriage Therapy Work?

There are many talking therapies such as Marriage Therapy, Psychology, Marriage Counselling, Relationship Coaching, but the question I am always asked is do they work.

The answer is yes and no.

Plus there is a lot of press from major sources about how marriage counselling causes more harm than good.

  • I practice Relationship Coaching, simply because it gets results.
  • I have been doing this for many years and I am going to share with you my experiences.

What makes the difference is a few key factors in no particular order.

100% Commitment to the process is critical.

Many individuals go into the process half heartedly, and this slows progress or they remove themselves sabotaging themselves and their future.

In my practice usually a couple has made solid progress within 8-12 weeks. Many people who come to me after trying marriage counselling for 12-18+ months with little to no success.

Openness to learn about how we work

Many people are stuck in their beliefs about the world and how they and relationships should work. They have yet to realise that the meanings they give their world are purely perceptions based on their life experiences so far.

Understand their fears

People in relationship crisis fear many things and understanding these fears is critical.

Leverage is the key

Helping people understand the true place they will go if they carry on causing problems.

Understanding their distorted selves

Many people with problems have created distorted versions of themselves to cope with their lives. This act of rebalancing helps to create unhappy very tired versions of themselves leading to relationship stress, depression and anxiety.

Understanding polarity shifts

When a man has been brought up by his mother, or the mother has been dominant in the mother, father relationship, his model of how relationships should be can cause major problems in his future relationships. Especially if his partner has not had that same experience growing up.

Women can also shift into masculine roles to cope with fearful situations this can happen at any time of life also causing them problems as life will not feel how it should.

The sexes communicate totally differently

This is critical to understand. When we speak to the opposite sex in the context of our relationships what are they hearing? You may or not be surprised to know that whatever your intention it will not be understood.
So learning to understand the meanings behind your partner words is critical.

Does the relationship have a purpose?

Why are the couple together, where are they going and why. Many couple have no idea and so it’s not long before they feel lost and fearful.

Understanding each others critical needs

Human needs have to be met and more importantly those needs have to be supported by what’s most important to the individuals in the relationship. Failure to do this will result in the indivuals meeting their needs but still feeling unhappy. They may feel lost, alone or moving toward depression and relationship break-ups.

The more you understand each other the better your chances of keeping your relationship growing and passionate.

2011 Can Be Your Year – But You Have To Want It?

I mean you have to really want it. Not just talk about it. You have to be willing to take massive actions fearlessly. If you have not got what you want today, ask yourself why? Is it lack of focus? Do you fear something? Do you not know what to do? Whatever is blocking you has to be overcome…

…or this year will be the same as last year.

If you are focusing on what you want for you this year my advice would be.

  • 1. Make your goals crystal clear
  • 2. Understand why you want them
  • 3. Get laser focused on the steps needed to achieve the goals
  • 4.  And most of all, get focused on RESULTS!

The rules of life are simple, what you focus on is what you’ll get. So don’t focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you do.

Many people never achieve what they really want because they are scared that they won’t get it, or they won’t be enough in some way.

So their fears focus them on not having what they want. This results in them focusing not only on not getting what they want, but also on taking little or no action towards it.

Little action gets little to no results, and so they have proof that they will never have it.

Is this what you will do? Are you going to set yourself up to fail every day?

Everyone has the freedom and the right to have what they want, and you are no different.

Relationships, Wealth, Adventure, Toys, Friends, Family, Spirituality, Health

Whatever your focus is this year, go and get it. Plan it now and above all make your goals your passion, do something everyday to make what you say is important to you come true.

You are designed to grow to contribute to yourself and others. You are designed to be amazing, you are amazing you just have not yet realised how amazing you are.

The wonders of this world are not designed just for others, they are for you, all you have to do is stop fighting the world go with the flow of how sucess works and create the patterns in you, that will give you all you desire.

The key to all this is to break old patterns of behaviour.

Create new empowering patterns that will help you to be the person you want to be in the life that you want to live.

The question now is how? What do you feel you have to do right now to get the ball rolling?

Relationship Breakdown

The most important thing to understand in any relationship breakdown is the fact that both people in the relationship have a hand in the process.

There is rarely one person to blame!

One of the areas of relationship breakdown that is critical to understand is the relationship with yourself. In other words how you work and why you do what you do.

This is critical because unless you understand this you will be presenting and behaving in a way that is not representative of the true you despite what you may think.

Many couples experience frustration with each other as they feel misunderstood.

Many things come into play.

  • Differing upbringing
  • The sexes communicate totally differently
  • Not understanding the importance of each other needs
  • Many couples notice how their partners seem to change personality yet struggle to know how significant this is to themselves and their relationship.
  • Not understanding their fears or what they specifically fear that is driving them apart.
  • Boundaries that are both too strict and not strict enough causing inner conflicts

Of course every couple is different and the complications that grow as the couple meets challenges that life throws at them is very telling.

Understanding you and how you work will enable you to have a far better chance to live the life you deserve.

Today you may feel that something in your life or relationship is wrong. No matter what it is, with the right focus and understanding and with the right actions on the back of that understanding, new and exciting relationships and lives can be built.

All it takes is for you to commit to you…

If you want to avoid a relationship breakdown that is perminent act fast, and act now.

You Can’t fail If You Know This

What is the one thing that makes the difference in every relationship without fail. What is the one thing that if not done will always cause problems. What is the one thing that will always create happiness?

There is one thing, and in all the coaching sessions I have ever done where someone is not happy with their relationship or their life, this one thing has always been the cause.

  • The inability to live by what they say is important to them. If anyone sets themselves a standard and they don’t live by that standard they will always be unhappy, without fail, every time!

The reason people don’t live to their highest standards is because they are fearful that something bad will happen to them if they do. The trouble is they are not consciously aware of all this going on so they carry on hurting themselves.

In some cases they have the ability to make sure they stay stuck in this poor standard of living by saying this is just how I am.

Are you living life to your highest standards?

An example: We all believe that honesty is important, but is it important some of the time, or all of the time? In the context of a relationship is honesty important?

I’m not talking about the small silly stuff, I’m talking about why someone might walk on eggshells in their own home, why someone would bully someone, or be bullied and stay. Why someone would constantly accept bad behaviour just to keep the peace. Why someone would run away every time life isn’t the way they want it to be.

None of these behaviours are honest on either side, but more than that, they are not respectful either. In fact this way of living creates a prison for both people neither of them free, neither of them at peace with themselves or each other.

Fears create the fear

If two people in a relationship could understand this their fears actually create their biggest fear. The solution is simple, drop the fears and live by what you truly believe in.

You won’t die, what will happen is you will discover an honest strength and courage to be the person you have always wanted to be, in the life you have always wanted to live.

  • Don’t look back in fear, you have done that long enough, know what’s true and start living that truth today!

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

Does Relationship Coaching Work? This is question I get asked by many new callers who are interested in coming to coaching sessions with me.

It’s an interesting question because there are many factors involved in the successful outcome of the sessions.

The process that creates the change

  • The first is my total commitment to making change happen for my clients.
  • Someone who does want change to happen, but fears the change, will need a really good reason to making that shift and so leverage is required through understanding the real cost of not changing, whilst moving them towards something far more attractive.
  • The client also has to practice what the sessions teach, so an equal commitment to applying what you learn is also critical to help you change. Whilst the coaching is accelerated learning for the mind, the client has to reinforce the sessions with constructive behaviours taught in the sessions to undo destructive behaviours potentially practised for years.
  • The clients who come to the session and don’t practice what they are taught take longer to change.
  • The clients who are totally committed to changing their lives apply all they learn in the sessions and so shift their perspectives and lives really fast.

Are you ready to change and commit to you?

Any client can make a change really fast, what takes the time is the deciding if it’s really safe to make the change they desire.

Coaching is designed to help the client(s) see their path way to a change, understand the cost of not changing and help them experience what will happen if they set themselves free from their fears. Coaching also helps people experience their fears differently so the fears have a massively reduced impact.

  • Coaching is powerful, emotional, challenging and sometimes confusing as new perspectives on life are built. You will discover more about you than you ever knew before. You’ll discover how you work and how to get the best out of you and those around you.

Coaching pulls no punches because it tells you the truth, but it also supports you every step of the way to a far stronger you, freeing from your own fears.

Still not sure?

For those of you still wondering if you are ready to make the change you know you need to make. Your fears today are an outdated  illusion, they were set-up by your mind to protect you from something in your past, but they are now outdated and instead of rebalancing your life they will only limit you, that’s why you are unhappy today always feeling that something is wrong.

  • Deep inside you, you know that’s true!

I have seen clients who have lived with outdated fear patterns for 50+ years who are now rebuilding their lives and living the life they were born to live, minus the distorted view on their world driven by their fears.

Save A Failing Relationship

How to save a failing relationship fast. The first thing to notice is that whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Many people in relationships tend to repeat the same patterns hoping for a different reaction, but always get the same ones.

  • So bright intelligent people seem to lose their ability to learn, when they need it most.

For example:

A woman may complain, at her husband over and over again. Her constant complaining never seems to work. She has not learnt that this does not work. On occasions she can see that she has got him to do what she has asked, BUT he has done it from a place of resentment and deep inside her she knows this.

A man may retreat over and over again when he discovers a situation he does not like in his relationship. He may go silent, have a drink, go out. He practices this every time and every time he does this his wife becomes more crosser with him and so she resents him, deep inside him he knows this.

Punishment creates resentment and this is a pathway
to a relationship break-up.

Both men and women in these kind of situations feel stuck and so rather than searching for alternative behaviours they repeat what never works over and over in the hope that one day it will work.

Does punishment really create more love?

Socially we are conditioned that to get someone to change their behaviour we must punish them. This conditioning or brainwashing helps couples focus on punishment as a vehicle for change.

This is an illusion because whatever you put into a situation is usually what you get out. So if you put anger into a situation the usual reaction is you will be met with anger. Directly behind anger is fear so if your partner is shouting, know as a fact they are scared.

If couples could learn that love is the most powerful component for change in our partners then their behaviours would change and their relationship would transform. If couples could wake-up to what their partners are really saying then they would never punish them ever again.

What is the real message?

The wife who screams at frustration at her husband is actually communicating her fears that there might be something wrong with the relationship and she is scared. If the man knew this would he really run and ignore her, or would he love and support her? A real man would help her feel safe again.

The man who runs away is so frustrated and scared that he cannot fix this relationship, he cannot make her happy, so he can’t be good enough for her. If she knew his silence and running was a fear of losing her, do you think she would continue to help him feel less of a man by emotionally beating him up.

  • Fear of losing the one you love and the feelings that you are not enough actually serve to help relationships create the one thing the couple fears most. Break-up, Separation, Divorce and proof that for this relationship you were not enough!

Relationships can be saved really fast once the couple understand how to understand the messages their partner is really giving them.

Which Truth Will Bite You Hardest?

I’m sure that when the word truth is spoken we can all agree that truth and honesty is something we all value and respect highly.

BUT are we really being truthful to ourselves about ourselves?

Many people come to coaching with a set of beliefs that they think are true, only to discover that their truth is actually a mask, and their real truth is very different and hiding behind their deepest fears.

In fact they believe their made-up truth so much they will live in a mask for many years. Deep down they know something is wrong, but to focus on the reality is far too painful and so they put it off… until something snaps and just living each day becomes painful.

So they avoid the focus on their real feelings and to be happy they distort and delete parts of their lives in a quest to rebalance some level of normality.

Fears can only limit you

The problem is, from this state of fear people are only able to limit their true self. So the quest to rebalance their lives is an illusion they give themselves, that ends up being a fact in their own minds.

The illusion is not their truth and so individuals become unhappy and depressed and don’t know why. Their values are screaming a message, unhappiness and depression is the message that you have to change or this will get worse.

Listen to the messages because they are there for a reason. If your body gets hurt and you feel pain you stop what you are doing and you go to fix it.

Being unhappy emotionally is no different, but because there is no physical damage we assume we cannot fix these emotional problems and this puts us into a state of learnt helplessness.

  • I have worked with so many people who experience this very problem.

In fact you can feel so unsettled by a conflict of values that it will wake you at 3am to tell you something is wrong. Many of my clients experience this exact message from their own minds, and it’s a well known problem for those who are depressed on some level.

Are you hiding from your truth?

There will be a good reason why you would hide, but at some point you will have to deal with this. So create courage and face your  truth today to free yourself to live the life you were designed to live.

Why Are People In Relationships Totally Lost?

If you were in Madrid, but you thought you were in London how long would it take you to get to New York?

  • The answer is a very long time, even with a map, in fact the map would just add more confusion.

A relationship is also a journey

Relationships have the same problem because people in relationships do not know how to communicate where they are emotionally, because their emotional states can change so frequently. People can also get stuck in emotional states due to prolonged and challenging life conditions.

BUT to make things worse people in relationship also don’t make relationship goals or plans and so now we have two people in different places emotionally with no direction.

  • If you think about a relationship in this way, the possibility for chaos is really high. So the individuals feel frustration, more fears, anger, resentment, because they are not getting to a place they have not defined to themselves let alone their partner, but in this place they will make their relationship wrong!

Get clear on where you really are

This is why my first job with any couple or individual is to understand where they are today and where they really want to be and why.

Once we have a clear focus on todays reality plus a clear direction and how to know when the individual or couple have arrived at their destination, then a clear plan can be put in place to help them.

Lost couples examples

  • If a couple were dating and they did not understand how they both work and how to communicate their needs and where they want their life to go and the sort of person they want to be. The chances of them becoming unhappy when it does not happen are high.
  • If a couple has an amazing relationship today they won’t go in search of how to keep it that way until it’s too late. The are blind to the journey they are on and getting lost is highly probable and so knowing where you both are every day combined with where you want to go is critical.
  • A couple in crisis not knowing where they are will assume they are in their true selves and so will communicate this to their partner who also believes the fearful version is their true self. Of course this map of truth is only true in that moment and is not reflective of the non-fear version of that individual. If all the different versions is only defined as one person then a very distorted perception can be created of their partner.

Again more lost people.

Admitting you are lost is never a great place to be and so we never like to face that truth, but when you become honest that you are lost, this create the question “where am I really, where do I want to be and how do I get there?”

From here different questions get asked and an openness to explore other perspectives and possibilities in yourself and your relationships free people from their own prison of fear and hopelessness.

  • Fearful versions of you can only limit you and so growth becomes impossible.

From a place of honesty you can take control of you, your life and your relationship and being lost is now only temporary as confusion in situations build maps of more understanding to guide you through the journey of life.

Do You Self Sabotage? Let’s find out…

Why is it so many of us get into such a muddle with our lives and our relationships? The reason is, because we can self sabotage our own lives without knowing.

  • Of course there are many reason how and why we do this, but one action does stand out to cause all sorts of problems.

If you are having a bad time at the moment you may discover that you spend along time focused inwardly on your thoughts and your feelings. You focus on what’s wrong, you focus on your problems, or your feelings, or what others may be doing, or not doing that could hurt you.

You may even find you have a nagging, or aggressive voice in your head constantly working on you. Again this is more internal focus.

You may even be looking for all the ways in which your life is not the way it should be. So when you see the difference between where you are today and where you think you should be, you start to not trust your decisions. Now you can’t trust you!

  • How about if you walk past a group of people and they all start laughing. Where does your focus go, is it to what’s wrong with you (internal focus), or is on how great it is to hear people having fun (external focus).
  • How about if you ever have to speak in public, is your focus on what could go wrong (internal focus) or on making sure that those you are talking to is engaged with your words (external focus).
  • If you have ever experienced blushing one of the best ways to make yourself go as red as you can, is to focus on the fact you are going red.

Your mind will give you what you are looking for

If you spend a lot of time focused inwardly on yourself your mind has no choice but to give you what you start to look for. So if you are on a search for how to not trust your partner, then it’s very easy to find many ways.

If you look for ways in which you may not be good enough for your partner, your mind will obey and give you buckets of reasons why you are not good enough.

We are all conditioned to look for what’s wrong, we even connect with others on this level. Tell someone your problems and people will sympathise and listen to you, tell them your life is amazing and you’ll be labelled a big headed or arrogant and people will move away from you.

What’s wrong is easy to find, the challenge is to change this destructive pattern and look for what’s great in your life so your focus starts to go outside of you. What you will discover is if you practice this every day you will find so many things to be grateful for in your life.

When you do this you will start to notice your life starting to change, because you’ll start to make good decisions and you start to grow again. This is because the state of fear you were in has shifted to a state of calm and peaceful gratitude.

  • If your not growing you are standing still or dieing and neither feels great.

Persistently take control of your focus and you’ll take control of your life.

What you focus on is a choice and you can’t focus on good things and bad things at the same time, try it, it’s impossible.

  • So if that’s true I know which one I’d choose to focus on, what do you think?

Are Your Fears Destroying Your Relationship?

Everyone one has fears, and in relationships where people are out of control of what their partners could do, can experience their fears can becoming significantly magnified.

  • The most common fear is that we will on some level will not being enough for our partners!

When we feel this way we can start to change our behaviours to balance out our feelings or fears. Unfortunately the feelings of creating balance is an illusion and what really happens is a pathway to creating the very thing we fear.

For example a person who fears their partner leaving them might display some of the behaviours below.

  • This person could experience uncontrollable jealousy
  • They might become very involved in what their partner does
  • The could subject their partner to a barrage of texts, emails, phone calls
  • They could constantly seek approval or significance
  • They may even start to shut down emotionally to block our their feelings if it gets really intense

The problem with these behaviours is the person who on the receiving end of this can feel they are not trusted, and as trust is one of the key foundations of any relationship the relationship can start to feel unstable.

This results in them both acting in fear states as they can now both fear the relationship ending, or not being how it should be and so they both go into self-protection as they can no longer see a future that’s either happy or together.

In these fear states the couple can start to take control in many different ways. Unfortunately the fear states they are in does not usually create an environment of growth and so the relationship starts to die.

So the possible feelings of not being enough start to come true.

Fears can generate the total reverse of what
a relationship needs to grow and survive.

Both people can start to attach resentment to each other as they stop feeling secure. The passion will start to fade and this can be dangerous for the relationship as both parties still have needs that have to be met. They stop feeling important to each other and they feel their connection starts to fade.

Many couples will start to notice that the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs and so they discover that they go outside of the relationship to feel good again.

  • At this point they can conclude that the relationship is no longer working.

Is this where you are? Would you like to change this? Maybe you are fearful and you want to control it but you don’t know how. If so get in touch today!

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

Prevention or Cure which is best?

I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.

So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.

The reasons are many, but here are a few…

  • It’s unromantic to put our relationship under the microscope
  • They are scared to look in case they find something they don’t like
  • They don’t believe anyone could help them
  • We are different and so we will never get to the point of splitting up

The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.

What is, or could impact your relationship?

Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.

At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.

From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.

  • FACT: No great decisions ever come from the version of you that is in a fear state.

The really smart people know there is a lot they don’t know, so…

The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.

Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.

It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!


Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

Coaching Couples

Are you and your partner experiencing problems and you want to get to the bottom of why? Are you considering some kind of couples coaching?

Your key to success is to look beyond the problems you are having because your answers are not where you think they are, and this is why couples arguments go round and round in circles as they try to fix the wrong thing.

Many couples I see tell me that they have been to a counsellor with a specific problem and the counsellor has tried to help them fix that problem hoping that this will change how the couple feels about each other.

Many couples I see have been through that frustrating process and it gives them further proof that they have no hope even with a professional helping them. They feel that the only solution is to end the relationship.

Has this happened to you or are you in this process?

The problem that is being presented in the couples lives is always a symptom of their real problems and so fixing this never gets to the truth of what‘s causing their conflict or fears.

The place to look to for a solution to the couples problems is in the core needs and values of the individuals, and their map of what a relationship is, and how it should be in their mind.

If there is a mismatch in needs, values and their circumstances / behaviours then the couple will be unhappy and one or both people in the couple will start to search for more problems in the relationship as they become protective and fearful of their own future with their partner.

The problems the couples face or bring to sessions is the problems they have found after they feel fearful for their future together and so they test the relationship to make sure they have the right partner.

For Example

So for example a woman could be testing a man without him knowing.

If he does not pick up his clothes after he has been asked to, then this means he does not listen to her, and so she feels insignificant to him, therefore he cannot be trusted to give her what she needs and this rocks her security with him.

Their arguments in this case would be about her constant nagging him and his lack of respect or appreciation for her and what she does in the house.

The reality has nothing to do with the clothes, what she fears is a lack of security and so she feels unsafe with him and as he fights with her all she can see is a future full of fear that just maybe she is not enough for him.

We could train him to pick-up his clothes, but because that test was created from another fear within her “a lack of security” all she would do is create another test.

If in the example above we discovered what had made her feel insecure with him and what actions he could take to help her feel more secure then we are on the road to a happier future.

Once the coupe discover what’s missing, filling that gap become easy and so their fears for the future are removed and the couple are happy again.

So if you are having problems and seem to be going round in circles please get in touch today.

Relationship Fears Explained

What fears does your relationship generate for you, and do you know why this happens?

Do you fear abandonment, intimacy, change, rejection. Maybe you fear not being good enough for your partner.

Relationship Fears Explained: Whatever the reason, feeling fears when you want to feel love is frustrating and upsetting and if persistent can actually create the situation that is feared most.

For example if you really think your partner will leave you, you may try to control them, this then creates conditions that are unbearable to live in and so the relationship has no choice but to fail.

The reason our fears feel so powerful is because they are designed to protect us from life threatening situations. So your fears are not being used for what they were designed for and modern day living has distorted our reflex reactions to our world. We feel under threat and so we react.

If your partner does actually leave you, YOU WON’T DIE, you be hurt and feel loss of course, but you will get bored of feeling this way and will probably get on with life and meet someone new. So your life will not come to an end, yet we feel so powerfully that in that moment it will.

This can create depression, panic attacks and anxiety because our life and survival seems at risk.

When we become fearful our natural reaction is to go back to our childhood responses and so we blame others, lash out, scream, cry, or become unreasonable.

This natural reaction is just an immature version of YOU out of control.

The only way to get in control is to understand that your fears are created by you. NO ONE can make you feel anything. If you think they can then you are believing an illusion created by others who are also lost or feel in fear too.

How to create a fear

Before you are  able to react, what you have to do is turn any situation into a meaning. It is the meaning you have given that situation that has created your reaction and therefore it is you that has scared you.

Because you have never been shown a different way to experience the world you automatically feel an emotion and then attach it to the person that triggered you to create that meaning, and now they are “unfairly” in trouble with you.

By understanding that NO ONE actually makes you feel anything puts you back in control of your life, your feelings and your emotions.

This also helps you connect with the real version of you and now your future and relationship will become very different as you live a life and future in safety free of fear this helps you create different decisions.

Different decisions equals different futures. Your true future is depending on you to live fearlessly because if you don’t then your destiny and life changes to be the one you don’t want.

Make a good decision today!