Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

Is A Fear Pattern Destroying Your Life?

The biggest relationship pattern we run is a fear pattern. Yesterday we discovered how we can set up patterns of behaviour with knowing. Fear patterns in our relationships can happen in the same way, but with devastating results.

The fear we create in our mind is the question that means the end of our relationship.

That question is this:

Will I be enough… for him or her?

This big fear pattern is at play in many areas of people lives. Will I be a good enough mother, father, boss, employee, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

When this fear pattern is generated in a relationship this then changes a persons behaviours, they could decide:

  • To give-up or run, because its hopeless, they will never be enough.
  • To control their  partner so they can’t make them fearful anymore.
  • Try to put their partner down, so they come down to their level of fear too.

And there are many more… This will create lot of irrational behaviours, crying, shouting, happy one day, sad the next, depression, anxiety. Making up things you said when you didn’t, making you responsible for all that’s wrong in the world…

Decisions in fear states equals disaster

Unfortunately when someone makes a decision from a state of fear, the decisions are usually poor destructive decisions that help to generate the thing they fear most…and so their partner does leave them.

If a relationship is to survive and become one full of unconditional love this fear has to be understood and removed / changed.

Are you running this fear pattern, do you think your partner is running this pattern?

The fear will feel very real, but in most cases is not true, their pattern was set-up for a good reason, but it is very likely to be running today for all the wrong reasons.

Remember if you create a fear in you, and give it to your partner, what you do is then create a fear in them and now the irrational chaos is doubled.

Is Your Past Affecting Your Relationship Today?

Past relationship problems can have a profound affect on your relationship today, so much so they can change your future and the partners you choose.

  • A simple example we can all spot: A victim of an affair could develop a problem with trusting future partners. These kind of past issues are easy to spot and with the right help can be changed.

What about past experiences we are not aware of..?

The real struggle happens is when complex past experiences have an effect on your relationships today. For example if a woman today is very masculine in her approach to relationships and her life. What kind of man do you think she would attract.

What kind of relationship would she have and how would this dynamic in her affect her children?

This is an example of the past affecting her future that’s powerful enough for her to change her personality from female to male dominated, but how does this happen?

She made a decision…

At some point in her life she made a decision to become more masculine subconsciously, she may have decided to do this because she was under threat, or she needed to get strong, but some life event created that version of her, she was not born with it.

When she made a decision to live her life in this way, what she did was to shut down many others parts of her true self, because if she allowed these feminine parts out she maybe under threat again.

The world has moved on, but she is stuck

The problem she now faces is her life circumstances have changed since she made that decision, and she no longer needs to protect herself in the same way. Her protection pattern is outdated and no longer needed, but she runs it as if she is still under threat.

Living in this version of herself  could create signs of unhappiness or depression with her because her true values are not being met buy this distorted version of her.

Is there an outdated version of you running your life? Do you live in fear? Are you exhausted?

  • One of the session I run is called a Journey of Self-Discovery and it is designed to uncover these choices we may have set-up without knowing.
    It is designed to align you with your true-self so your decisions are no longer made from a perspective of fear, but from the clear knowledge that your choice will create a future of happiness.

If you are interested please let me know… Contact me

Should I Stay With Him?

Thank you for all your questions from – ASK Stephen Your Burning Relationship Question

The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

If you have a burning relationship question ask Stephen Hedger now… Click Here

Why Is He Ignoring Me?

Many women have a question that worries them and keeps coming up in the relationship coaching sessions… “Why is he ignoring me?

There is about a billions reasons why he could be ignoring you, which one have you decided to focus on? The chances are it’s probably the worst one, which means “you’re feeling you are not going to be enough for him” and that scares you”

But did you know this fear is likely to drive him away if he also misunderstands you in the same way. So lets stop this one right now, to protect you both from each others fears.

When a woman goes quiet what does this mean?

When a woman goes quiet on a man it means trouble is brewing. When a man goes quiet on a woman it means he is happy and content in his world. So the fact that women think he is ignoring her is a perception rather than a fact, that drives problems out of nowhere.

The same situations and two different meanings can cause so many confusions. Relationships are riddled with exactly this problem, where the wrong meanings are created.

The fact is men don’t like talking in the same way that women talk, actually men hate it!

Women can talk for hours on the phone, men will spend 30 seconds.

It’s dangerous to create meanings out of assumptions, because you will always be wrong. If you believe your meanings you will feel bad and attach those bad feelings to him, and this will start to break down the foundations of the relationship and that means you can no longer trust each other.

Find out the truth, then react, and above all, no matter what is going on…
DO NOT JUDGE HIM! YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED!

Plus he will start to see you as someone he can’t trust, to believe in him. He will then see the relationship as somewhere he can never be the man he wants to be, he will attach massive pain to a future with you and leaving you will be powerful in his mind if these feeling stick.

Or he will become a boy in the relationship, always ready to do as you ask, ready to be stepped on by you. Turn your man into this and you will lose respect for the boy that you have created out of the man that just wanted to make you happy.

Is this what you really want?

Why Relationships Fail

Why relationships fail? In my last post I shared with you the most important 3 things a relationship needs to survive. Click relationship help if you missed it.

Today we are going to look at why relationships fail and what you need to look out for.

If you and your partner are not having your needs met by each other, this is why you are having problems and this could lead to a failed relationship. Even if you stay together, you will never experience unconditional love and will live each in a passionless relationship. Is that what you want?

Understand the truth in your relationship
before it’s too late

Most people’s perceptions of “needs” is in what they want in their day-to-day lives from their partners.

For example: He leaves his clothes on the floor or she goes crazy for no reason, These are how most people view their needs not being met and so these areas become their problems. This is untrue because these are simply symptoms of your deeper issues, i’ll explain…

When you are fed-up in your relationships what happens is you both will start to connect with each other in ways that will create problems, because these are not the relationship building parts of you reacting, they are the parts of you that are designed to look out for things that may hurt you.

The real problems happen when you both become stuck in these problem seeking versions of yourself and all you start to see is problems and you attach those problems to your partner. The more you look the more you will find.

Understand both of your needs as fast as possible

The only way to change this problem seeking is to understand what needs are not being met and why.

This is where 99% of couples become stuck, because they do not know how to understand each others needs, mainly because they don’t really understand their own needs, so communicating them is impossible.

She might describe a need for him to help to keep the house tidy. This is not a core need because if he does not do this for her, she will create a far deeper meaning to his lack of attention.

His lack of attention is this area could mean to her that her words are not important to him and so he must find it easy to disrespect her. That could be an early danger sign that the relationship will fail.

If she believes this she will be ready to test his love for her… That could mean a major fight.

If the true needs were understood then this and further damage to the relationship could be avoided.

The real danger sits in couples believing their own meanings for words, behaviours and situations that are not true in their relationship.

So if your are feeling bad about your partner or your relationship then act fast and find out the truth today and understand you true needs.
If you would like help go to Relationship Coaching Services

Critical Relationship Help For You

This has to be the most important relationship help and advice you will ever hear so please, please make sure you really understand this? No matter what relationship stage you are in, from dating to a long-term relationship.

If you don’t practice these three steps you will go through a lot pain together.

These are the KEY critical, but simple steps.

1. Understand in the context of a relationship your needs and wants in detail. Get clear on your relationship fears and what sort of person you need to be to attract the person you desire most (connecting with the real you is critical no matter if you are single or in a relationship).

2. Understand the needs, wants, and fears of your partner.

3. Without judgement help your partner through their fears and become addicted to understanding and meeting their needs every day.

If you both do this then the relationship you have always wanted can be yours.

So if it’s this simple why do so many people have problems?

The answer to this is simple also.

1. Most people do not understand their needs and how they work. So if you don’t understand your needs then how can you expect your partner to know them and meet them for you. If you have relationship problems it’s because the needs within the relationship are not being met.

2. People do not want to focus on their fears and so they hide them away until they come out and spoil the relationship. If you value “honestly” then get clear on your fears because with the right focus they can be removed or managed, no matter what has happened in your past.

3. When two people live their lives with fears running in the background and this applies to most couples, both people in the relationship will never be free to be who they really are. They then live together in distorted versions of themselves. This is what causes your fighting. The more problems you get with each other the more problems you’ll start to find. This makes unconditional love impossible.

4. The chance of meeting your partners needs whilst in a fear state is ZERO and so to stay safe, and stay in the relationship you may start to trade for things, love and affection. You both then end up two people taking from each other because you have to.

  • Successful unconditional relationship are different, because the couple spend their lives giving what their partner wants most, and so they never have the need to take. This is what makes the difference!

Understanding this is the reason why Relationship Coaching with Stephen Hedger is so powerful.

You will be guided step-by-step to understand your critical needs and if they are set up for pain or pleasure. You will understand that your fears were designed to protect you, but are now out dated, but they are still running, harming your relationship and your future.

  • Don’t live in fear, because you will regret that decision.

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

Dealing with Fears & Trust

When dealing with fears and trust issues many people don’t believe they fear anything in their lives, but when you go deeper into what is guiding their lives you can easily discover many fears at play without them knowing.

We will all naturally move towards pleasure and away from pain, and we all do this without thinking. So if this happens automatically, what are you moving away from without knowing, and is this really the best decision for you?

Dealing with your fears

Not understand your fears can create lives you don’t want, so Relationship Coach Stephen Hedger looks at how fears in relationships can help you attract the wrong people, and live the wrong life, resulting in you feeling that something is always wrong or missing.

In relationships, fears play a big part in all our lives. We fear being hurt by giving ourselves totally to others.

This is why trust is such a foundation of our relationships. Most people view trust in connection to affairs, but trust is needed in every area of the relationship.

  • We want to trust our partners will look after us
  • We want to trust they will make us the most important part of their lives
  • We want to trust that their love is unconditional
  • We want our partners to want to make our lives special
  • We want our partners to help us grow as people
  • We want our partners to be always put us first

Side note: Most people would describe a list of what they don’t want in their lives, but be aware that we are all easily seduced towards all that’s wrong in our lives and this only serves to create more problems. To be successful you focus needs to be only on what you do want because this is what will drive you forward…

When we consistently receive all these things from our partners then we have proof that we can trust our partners to help us live the lives we always wanted.

When we don’t receive these things from those that say they love us, our trust gets dented and we start to fear a future with this person this will change our behaviours and move us away from them.

The problems with FEARS is this, unless a fear is proven 100% is usually only true in the mind of the individual.

Past experiences will create fear responses when similar situations present themselves. So you could create a fear to a situation with a partner that to you means they cannot be trusted.

When you consistently focus on your fears without knowing you are presenting to the world a distorted version of you. So if you are dating then you will attract people who are interested in this version of you. The real you would attract a totally different person.

In a long-term relationship your fears will create a barrier between you and your partner and so unconditional love will never be yours.

If you desire a free peaceful life, full of love, then understanding and removing your fears is a must.

  • Please note: To many removing their fears, also creates fears, because so far this distorted version of themselves has kept them safe. This is why so many people become stuck for so many years afraid to move forward or backwards no matter how hard they try.

The Chemistry Has Gone Will It Come Back

If you have discovered that the chemistry has gone in your relationship, discover what’s happening and what to do to change it.

People in new relationships experience a powerful natural high where the excitement of a new person they are attracted to drives their hormones so crazy they can’t think straight.

They feel a massive magnetic pull that seems to be out of their control and so they can’t get enough of each other.

So what is really happening? Nature is very smart. There are explosions of feel good, mood changing chemicals are surging into the body from the  brain. The individuals both love the feelings these chemicals create and so they attach these feeling to each other.

What the couple don’t know is, it’s the feeling that their own chemicals give them is what they like. Their new partner is simply the trigger.

Fears stop the feel good chemicals flowing

This excitement about their new partner will change as soon as one person in the couple starts to create a fear, or insecurity about themselves, or they may fear getting emotionally hurt if they get too attached or can see a future they don’t like.

Their body in this fear state now starts to release a very different chemical, and this one does not feel good at all. They then attach this feeling to their partner and this creates a very different mood between them.

This changes their behavior and so now what started at as an attachment of passion and excitement is now an attachment of fear that will drive them away from the relationship. This happens in established relationships too.

If they feel too fearful they will stop calling or become distant. This may result in the rejected party chasing to get them back to that fun place.

The more they chase the further and faster they will run. So if this has happened to you, careful communication is critical.

You need to show you care, but allow them space to get over their fears and come back to you when they are ready. If you try to force someone in a fear state to come back they will only attach more fears to being with you!

The great fun sexual chemistry will come back as soon as they are over the fears they have attached to you being with you.

Once they are over this stage and you have helped and respected their feelings and fears then when they come back your relationship will be much stronger than it was before.

So keep a cool head and give your new date or partner, space and time to want to be with you.

I remember in my early 20′s a girl finished with me and so I sent her flowers and thanked her for the time we had and left it there.

Four weeks later she told me she made a mistake and wanted me back.

She created a fear and then made me responsible for it. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you conduct yourself and if you are always true to who you really are then you can’t go wrong.

Remember: You will only lose the ones that were never right for you.

7 Reasons: How You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know. What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together it the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is controlling what you think and do.

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give.

5. If you dislike who you become in their company

6. You have real evidence that you cannot trust your partner.

7. Addiction to substances or gambling.

Here is a bonus one for you to consider

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, but you are not sure what. Register on the right for a free coaching session with me and you could just discover why you feel this way.