FEELINGS: What is your mind really trying to tell you?

Feelings are very powerful and life changing decisions can be created from them, especially if we keep having the same feelings about the same things.

For example: My husband doesn’t understand me, or my wife is so negative. If people keep having this experience what feelings will they experience and what meanings will be created?

The wife that thinks her husband doesn’t understand her is going to have feelings that means he doesn’t care. The husband that thinks his wife is always negative is going to feel she is impossible to please.

Practiced enough these two feelings can lead a couple to [Read more...]

How To Cope With A Break-up

If you are suffering from the effects of a relationship split and want to know how to cope with a break-up then this may help you.  At the end of this piece I have a quick tip on how to control your feelings.

Most break-ups happen due to confusion of what the individuals are feeling and what it really means. They feel bad, attach those feelings to the relationships and so the relationship dies.

Many people who have asked for a divorce have regretted it later, because the feeling they attach to the relationships goes away when they are apart, and they are left with no good reason to be apart, unfortunately most of the time it’s too late.

Understanding your break-up

Those that come to me through coaching on how to cope with break-ups, get to understand in detail, why their break-up happened and this helps them to understand if the break-up happened for the right or wrong reasons.

This empowers them to know what actions to take. Could be to fix the relationship they were in, or walk away sound in the knowledge that what happened, happened for good reason.

Having said all this logical stuff, that still leaves you with feelings that are probably making you feel bad.

Understanding why you feel bad

These feeling are as a direct result of where your mind is focused.

What no one ever teaches us is that we can direct our mind to something else. The reason we don’t believe this is because not only is our reaction automatic, but if you have ever tried to get rid of a bad feeling it always comes back.

This happens because you are conditioned to focus on everything that is bad, society has taught you how to do this. What society has not taught you is there is another choice, and you can choose what to feel.

Removing the break up pain tip

The fact is this, not being with your ex-partner is not what you are upset about, even though you think it is, it’s the focus you have put on that break up and the meaning you have given to it is what‘s causing you pain.

So are you focused on all the past memories, or the future you designed, or maybe both?

With practice you can learn how to focus your mind to more pleasurable things by making the break-up a good thing.

  • Please note: Before you do this please be 100% sure you want this person out of your life.

Make a list of everything that was not right with your ex-relationship and with each thing you find really focus on how bad each thing was and how over time it would have become 100 times worse as they became used to you. Notice if this happened how miserable you would have been and keep their face in your mind as you imagine this life of growing hell year after year after year.

When you have completed your list then write about all the great opportunities you now have that being with your ex stopped you doing.

Now start to design the life you really want, and this time keep your focus on who you have to be, to be able to attract the person you really want.

Important: This is your chance…

And now show yourself gratitude for giving yourself a real chance of being really happy with someone who will stop at nothing to make sure you are 100% secure in the relationship, someone who will give your relationship passion, adventure and fun, whilst making you the most important thing in their world.

They will show you a love you have never felt before and they will serve your relationship tirelessly to help it and you grow into the person you have always wanted to be, constantly giving to you and never asking for anything in return.

They will do this because they know this is the only route to unconditional love the one thing you have always dreams of and thought you were only safe to have with your children.

Should I Stay With Him?

Thank you for all your questions from – ASK Stephen Your Burning Relationship Question

The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

If you have a burning relationship question ask Stephen Hedger now… Click Here

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?

Negative Emotions Feelings & Behaviours

When a person displays negativity in any situation it can be a destructive force that affects all around them.

Negative people are conditioned, either through their parents or through other life experiences to always focus of the bad side of life.

These people will seek out other negative people who are also lost and do not have the answers to their life problems to moan to. In fact their connection with each other is based on their love of talking about all that