Couples struggle to fix their problems – There’s a good reason why they fail…

Couples struggle to fix their problems because they try to fix the problems they are experiencing. They will go round in circles becoming confused, or resigned that their problems will never go away.

They try to fix what I call presenting problems

  • So the couple who don’t feel good when they argue try to fix the arguing.
  • One partner may not be able to stop spending so they focus on the spending.
  • One partner works really long hours, so the hours become the focus.
  • One partner keeps on about the tidiness in the house so this becomes the focus.
  • If an affair happens the affair become the focus.

I can tell you now… If I focused the couple on these problems as part my solution they would never fix their problems ever!

These presenting problems are symptoms of the real problem.

Unless you know what the real problem is, the problem will remain.

One couple came to me delighted to tell me they never argued, but were confused why their sex life had ground to a halt. Their focus became their dead sex life they blamed each other, but did it by ignoring each other and so they focused on friends, children and work.

The reason their sex life was dead was because there was no energy, polarity, sexual tension or playfulness in the relationship and most of all she didn’t feel safe.  We discovered they didn’t argue because both their parents didn’t so they copied without knowing. The arguments would have created energy and passion, but it was missing. So their way of punishing each other took even more energy out of the relationship and so they died as a couple.

So she just nagged him (she had to control something her relationship was dying) and he tried to please her apologising for everything. She slowly became the man in the relationship and he became one of the children. Now he is really unattractive and he feels he has lost his masculinity he just can’t please her, so he spends more time at work to feel good, she now resents him even more.

They ended up barely friends, so their sex life was the victim of many complex challenges they were totally unaware of, if they tried to have sex it would have been a disaster so they just gave up.

Both of them had great intentions, not arguing, pleasing, but these actions destroyed their relationship every day.

They were totally unaware and so they focused on their pain i.e. their dead sex life which of course just brought them more pain.

So you see if your try to fix your presenting problems it may just be as much use as putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg.

  • Do you have a problem you can’t fix? If so get in touch today.

Relationship Advice For Women

For many women in relationships getting through to their partner can feel like really hard work. They can’t believe he can be so ignorant to her needs and feelings. To her his lack of care can start to become proof of a lack of love….

Communication is usually a struggle and getting him to understand you can feel impossible. You may have talked when you first met, but today getting him to open up feels impossible…

The challenge for women is as soon as they feel they can’t communicate effectively with their partners they can feel lonely, isolated and very low. Some can feel disconnected with who they want to be and start to dislike who they are becoming. Depression is very possible in this place if this goes on for long enough.

To deal with her feelings in this place she has to get strong inside to cope with his lack of understanding of her emotional needs. This means for many she has to create a more masculine version of herself.

She does this to keep safe, she knows she can’t rely on him to meet her needs and keep her safe, so she takes on this masculine role of protector of herself.

She doesn’t want to be in this place for many reasons. The emotional protection she creates results in her no longer finding her partner sexually attractive. So she will block any desire for intimacy.

So as she pulls away from him to protect herself, he in response will be doing the same.

This can cause real problems for the couple.

He can start to feel that he cannot make her happy. Many men feel they cannot ever please their partners and when they try to fix her problems she become angrier. This stops him trying to fix her problems.

This cycle can get worse the more men feel they can’t win the more women pull away.

Can you relate to this situation? Do you feel out of control of your relationship?

If so get in touch now…

Important: Men and women speak a very different language and this will and does create confusion, it’s not that he doesn’t care it simply that he doesn’t understand how you feel because he is not female.

Soon as he knows what to do to become successful again he will want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

  • If you are in this place PLEASE TAKE ACTION IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Worried About Your Relationship?

Do you have a relationship you want to keep? Are you stuck not sure what to do? Do you feel that no matter what you do it seems to keep failing?

If this is you then understanding the steps to getting the relationship back on track are critical.

If any relationship has suffered problems the challenge the couple now face is A LACK OF TRUST! Trust that the relationship will not be the way they need it to be, for them to be happy.

Rebuilding the trust is the first step in my sessions with couples.

To be successful your thoughts have to go to the points of conflict where the couple have failed with each other and ignited fears for the future.

  • The question is this… At the point of conflict what does my partner really need?

Usually in conflict situations and even the ones she has started, what the female needs is to be loved and understood, what the male needs is the ability to fix her problem. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict he might become really angry, through frustration, or he might shut-down or escape in some way hoping the problem will just go away.

None of this works and just adds more fuel to the fire.

All of these behaviours are the reverse of what’s needed and bit-by-bit the relationship dies. She can feel that he has no desire to understand her, and he can feel she can never be pleased.

None of this is true of course, but without relationship training the couple react the only way they know how. Fight and protect themselves.

Understanding this process is one of the keys to my success with couples.

If the male can meet his needs in the process of meeting the females’ specific needs at the point of conflict then he can feel successful again in the relationship and she will feel loved and heard.

Both people following this process will start to feel connected again with themselves and each other.

Once the trust has been rebuilt, only then can the couple can work on meeting each others needs.

  • If you wish to know more about how to do this please make contact today click here

Why Are You Putting Up With This?

If your relationship is going wrong, why are you putting up with this? How long does this have to go on before you take action? Six more months? A year? How about 5 years, how will your life look if you don’t do something by then. We only get one life and don’t you want to get more from yours. You know unless changes are created nothing will change don’t you?

  • Society says the reasons behind relationship failures are “presenting problems” such as: Lack of intimacy, stress, depression, money problems, arguments, children, loss, affairs, drink, drugs, abuse and controlling behaviours the list goes on…

These are the typical types of problems that many couples experience that bring their relationship to the brink of collapse and beyond.

If the couple decide to focus on what I call their “presenting problems”, the chances are they will go round in circles destroying the relationship bit by bit.

If the couple want to fix their relationship they have to focus on something totally different.

So when couples arrive at a session with me, my first job is to understand how their presenting problems are affecting the individuals. Then I need to understand how their individual meanings have impacted their relationship negatively.

Once I understand how the couple are experiencing the relationship then I take the focus off the presenting problems and move the focus to the real issues that have sat hidden in the relationship and are the main cause of their problems.

You see if you try to fix the presenting problems all you will do is mask the reasons the issue is in the relationship so it will happen again. For example if we didn’t fix the reason he had an affair the chances of him having an affair again are high. Or if the reason she became depressed wasn’t understood then she would stay depressed or become worse.

The source of why their problems exist has to be the goal for any couple to understand.

The chances of the couple understanding how to fix their source problems is very unlikely. In my sessions I help the couples understand the tools they can use at home to understand why they are experiencing their specific problems and what they can both do to fix their relationship without the need for months or years of therapy.

Most couples’ problems can be sorted really quickly.

The focus of the sessions is on Growth in all situations including conflict.

If you can both learn how to meet yours, and each-others needs consistently no matter what situation you will both feel confident, successful secure and less fearful of a future together.

This really is what it is all about.

So are you going to allow this to fester or are you going to take action? Click here

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

I have created a FREE ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COURSE. For seven days you will receive more advice on how to successfully build a lasting passionate relationship.

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Divorce Advice: Is a divorce the right solution?

I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?

Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?

How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?

I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…

Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?

When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…

…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.

So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.

When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.

This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.

The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.

So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.

What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.

What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?

My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.

Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Is My Relationship Worth Saving?

Here is a typical situation, a couple is wanting help, but with very different goals. One person wants to fix the relationship no matter what and the other is unsure if it is worth it.

I agree that it is not right to save a relationship that is fundamentally wrong, the question is how do we find out if it is wrong before we agree parting is the best solution for that couple.

Some couples that come to see me should not be together I can see it quite quickly, but for the most the challenges they face is more about a lack of understanding than compatibility.

How I help these couples

To help a couple in this place we all need to agree we share a common goal. I like to take the pressure off the couple and make happiness their goal for themselves. I do this because they are both likely to be in fear and so very “me” focused. Happiness would always feel like a great goal.

This disarms the couple to be in a place to learn.

You see when the filter of experience is focused on their problems and fears, not being enough, not being loved etc. The chances of them learning how and why the relationship has failed is zero.

With the pressure off and knowing my intention is for the good for the individuals and not just on fixing the relationship. Both people learn that maybe there are critical pieces of information and understandings that were missing for them both.

New understandings bring fresh perspectives, on their relationships.

What this process does is help the couple to understand how they can easily meet each others needs whilst meeting their own. They discover how they can do this day-to-day and most importantly at the critical points of conflict.

Couples that have learnt this with me don’t take long to decide that their relationship is worth saving after all.

New commitments are made and growth and passion are now possible again.

Why is it this way?

I remember listening to Jim Rohn one of the mentors I have used on my journey to discover the world and how it really works.

He was a very successful business man who had been lucky enough to have a mentor who knew how to make millions. He taught Mr Rohn his secrets for success and Mr Rohn went from broke to $millions in just 6 years. The public obviously wanted to know the secrets, what information did he receive? How did he make so much money so fast.

So over the years he ran seminars all over the world. People in their thousands came to listen to his stories. Jim knew one thing that always amazing him. Even though the people in the audience knew that he had the secrets to wealth which could transform their lives very few actually took his advice.

He recommended to those audience the books that people should read that he was advised to read. He estimated that only a small percentage would actually go out and buy those books.

He was right only a few did… much to his amazement.

So why is it this way?

Why do people follow experts and then decide not to follow the path they are shown.

The reason I ask this today is I see this with the readers of my blog and those that come to sessions. A few months back a couple came to one of my sessions and they quickly learnt what had gone wrong and why.

They discovered how to fix the problem is the first session and for the first week they had an amazing time together. They came for a second session excited at what they had learnt before and were ready for the next stage.

Three days after the second session they called me, both of them distressed it had all gone wrong and both were talking about divorce again.

When I asked what had happened we discovered that they had both stopped doing what was working in the first week and had gone back to their old ways.

You see, even when they saw the proof for themselves, it’s like they became blind.

If you have been following this blog for a while and you still have problems ask yourself why? Are you going to take action, are you going to discover your truth, if so when?

Remember doing nothing is a choice too.



How to Fix My Relationship Fast

Couples can arrive at my sessions in London in very distressed states. They arrive with the view that this is their last attempt at fixing their relationship, so the pressure is on. Many couples have already filed for divorce and have put houses on the market. So when they arrive it can seem that there is little hope of helping them fix their relationship.

The couple can then leave the session in shock that through an understanding that is totally different to the one they entered the room with they start to see how their relationship can work.

So in one session the relationship takes a massive u-turn. These session are intensive and 2 hours in length, but the couple learn the core basics of what it takes to really make a relationship work, they learn to take responsibility, remove blame and judgment. They discover how to lay down their weapons, such as withholding love and controlling behaviour.

They learn how to really understand each other and understand more about each others critical needs in a totally new way.

What I have noticed as a Relationship Educator is there is a pattern that works faster than others.

If the couple both have a desire to fix the relationship, but they just don’t know how, this makes the process much faster. A couple that has one person wanting to get out and the other wanting to save the relationship can work, but takes a little longer.

So my advice seek help before one of you gets so convinced your relationship will never work. Time is not on the couples side if things start to go wrong as both people start to get more and more proof that maybe the relationship is the wrong one and they have made a mistake.

So if your relationship is in trouble do something NOW don’t wait!

Couples that fix their relationship quickly

Once the core basics of how relationships work has been communicated the turning point comes when the man discovers how he can meet his partner needs whilst fulfilling his own. I ask the man to look after her first because the greatest power sits in him to rebuild the trust and create security. She has power too but usually she is so scared she has become masculine strong and disconnected. If he can break through this she can shift really fast. Nine time out of ten all she really wants is to be loved regardless of what he thinks.

This is critical, because this is the turning point where trust gets rebuilt.

The mans job is to look after his family and his wife’s emotional needs. In most cases he has always wanted to do this, he may have thought money is how to do this, but starts to see that money is not the solution (it never was), so he has no idea how to please her so he starts to feel like a failure. He could have without knowing modeled his father, or learnt how to be a man from his mother, both mum and dad could be just as lost as he feels today.

Staying married is not the sign of a successful relationship. Successful relationships are about passion and giving not about selfish behaviours, taking and fear.

The men that embrace their role as someone who is there to serve and protect his partner and takes the steps to help her, these are the ones that turn their relationships around fast.

The ones that fail are the men that struggle to do this. These men will then go to fear.

The result can be the female gets stronger, seemingly more confident, disconnected from him, his weak behaviour helps her to need him less and so he can then become needy, want to control the relationship, using sex, money or children. She sees the need to control as a weakness because she knows he is fearful and this is not attractive.

He can then use coping strategies such as working longer hours and drinking.

All of these behaviours in him are because he is fearful. In this place the relationship is all about him and it’s really only a matter of time before she snaps, because she will.

So where you as a couple today.

  • Are you both struggling to get your relationship working, but you both really want it back?
  • Is your man bullying or controlling or shutting down? – All fear responses unattractive to females!
  • Are you a man in a relationship lost with what to do and now drink is your best friend? -
  • Is your wife always upset with you, crying, shouting or even quiet? All signs that there is a problem and she needs love!
  • Whatever your situation know that if you don’t take responsibility then you are choosing failure.

So men I call upon you to learn how to be men in your relationships, she wants a man and at the moment she wants that man to be YOU…

How To Save My Marriage

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship and you want to know the steps to saving your marriage then this is a good first step towards a solution for you. This is a fundamental step and foundational to the success of any relationship.

If your marriage has been in decline then you partner has been attaching feelings to you which result in them feeling bad about themselves when they are around you. If this carries on for too long their logical solution will be to remove you or themselves.

BTW: They don’t choose to do this, it is automatic at a behaviour level.

The good news is the process of attaching “good feelings” to you is automatic for them too.

So if you take steps to help your partner feel good then over time those great feelings will start to feel solid and they will then attach more and more great feelings back to you.

But my partner has been horrible why should I reward it this way?

This is a common response to my advice above. If your partner has been behaving poorly then it’s likely to be a cry for help rather than a desire to hurt you. Men and women can shut down when they feel that their relationship is impossible to fix. Couples can test each other with destructive words. What is considered to be hurtful behaviour can actually be a desire to wake their partner up to listen to the pain they feel.

The challenge is that men and women communicate totally differently. Which on it’s own is a big topic so know this if you are judging your partners behaviour, know quickly, you are not qualified.

Many people feel qualified to judge their partners and through that judgement they decide their partner has done wrong. They are now likely to punish them in some way.

Punishment does not create more love, all it does is help your partner automatically attach bad feelings to you. So if you punish you start to kill your own relationship. Some people feel they have been punished for years and without warning just leave the relationship to the shock and horror of their partner.

How to grow your marriage…

If your relationship is dying and you want to keep it, work out what great feelings you want your partner to feel and them help them feel that way.

If you want an amazing relationship then you have to become amazing and be the example, after all your partner may just be lost and fearful. Plus there are no relationship schools so a lack of education may not be your partners fault and they might be doing their best with what they know, i.e. what their parents taught them and the chances of their parents being lost with relationships too, are very high.

Why Couples Fail to Communicate

Communication breakdown is high on the list of why couples break up. If you don’t feel understood by your partner then you won’t feel heard. If your partner can’t understand what you need, your needs will not be met.

If your needs are not met you won’t be happy this can lead to break up. So please communicate effectively, it’s so critical. I have put together some basics below to help you.

What is important when communicating

The most critical part is listening AND, listening and understanding your partners intention behind his, or her words.

What couples tend to do, is put their own meanings on their partner words and then make their partners responsible for this new translation. You will hear couple who fight saying… “that’s not what I said” or “that’s not what I meant”.

It’s so frustration when anyone does this and you feel your being made out to be the bad guy.

Communication Rules

  • Never assume your partners intention is to try to hurt you.
  • Never make your partner wrong.
  • If you don’t understand your partners words ask for the underling intent.
  • If your partner is communicating they are wanting their needs met, discover which ones.
  • Men: If your partner wants to talk, just listen, more than that, look her in the eyes and listen so she knows you are present. Whatever she is feeling she wants to share that with you. You may want to fix her problem, don’t unless she asks.
  • Women: Men will usually have an attention span of about 10 minutes, especially if he has nothing to fix, any longer will frustrate him. One of the reasons he struggles is he is looking for a point to the conversation so he can fix the problem. Women don’t communicate this way so he gets lost in all her words and fears he will fail her.
  • Men: If she gets upset what’s important is not the words, whats important is how she feels. If she is upset she feels pain, so help her with her pain. Don’t get hurt by her words, she wants love and understanding, that why she upset.
  • If your man is quiet he is having a wonderful time!
  • If your woman is quiet there is a problem!
  • The key is understanding how each other works. Men’s communication is very direct, a womans is indirect. If the window is open and the temperature is dropping, she might say… “it’s getting cold in here!” and man would say ” It’s cold please close the window” To a woman her words are obvious, to a man it’s not 100% clear.

Another story I share with my clients is one I heard, but can’t remember where from…

A couple are on a motorway and he is driving. She spots a sign that says “motorway services quarter of a mile” she turns to him and says, “are you hungry darling” he smiles back to her and says “NO!” and drives past the motorway services.

He can’t understand then why she has become volcanic and he’s a selfish @*?”$^… You get the picture!

I hope this helps a little, happy chatting….

Why are couples not honest with each other?

If challenged I expect all couples would agree that being honest is critical to make a relationship successful.

Most of the couples that come to me for help will admit that if they had said how they were really feeling when things started to go wrong in their relationship, they would be in a different/better place today. I also have couples tell me they were honest, but were never heard.

  • Of course honesty is only effective if what is said, is understood…

There are some key trends that I have noticed: Men fear bringing up problems, because if they do it usually means a very long chat, she will become upset, that chat will make little sence to him, plus he has no obvious way to fix the problem. This prospect is very painful to most men because, he feels he will fail and this could damage the relationship.

Women can drop BIG hints to their partners, to them they seem so obvious, but they become frustrated because their partner never seems to get the message, or if he does, he is clearly ignoring it. This to her can be proof that she is not heard and so is not valued by her partner. If she is not valued she is therefore in the wrong relationship.

A man may fear bring up how he feels so he decides to just put up with whatever is troubling him for a quiet life. Just this process starts to disconnect him with himself. As he does this his partner will notice this shift and is likely to react to it negatively. Now the relationship is in a distorted place. He may have been trying to protect the relationship from problems, but the outcome is now more problems as the closeness they once had starts to drift apart as he can start to feel unsuccessful in his relationship. At this point he will spend more time where he does feel successful and this could be work, hobbies or mates.

A woman may feel that she is never heard and so after years of trying she decides to shut down or nag him. I see many women who do this, they feel that they have communicated and he has chosen to ignore her. In this place she will no longer look to her partner to give her what she needs and gets it either from herself, friends, family, children or work.

The real challenge is not that the couple are not honest people, the challenge is they don’t know how to communicate how they feel and what their needs are in a way that will be heard and respected by their partner.

So they either keep doing what they have always done in the vain hope their partner will hear them, or they decide to escape the relationship.

Does it feel like this is what’s going on for you? If so call me now.

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Why is it so difficult for couples to fix their relationship problems?

What I’m going to share today is critical to understand if you want to make lasting changes in your relationship. I have not spoken about this before on this blog so it’s important to understand.

Very few couples do this automatically and this is one of the major factors to why there are so many single parents, broken families, affairs, separations and divorces.

By understanding and helping couples understand what is important to know in their relationship  is one of the key factors to the success in all my relationship clinics.

If you have been following my posts you will have learnt that couples “presenting problems” such as arguments, loss of passion, lack of trust, etc, are not the real problems in a couples relationship. Although with no other logical knowledge this will be their incorrect assumption. [Read more...]

How to Avoid Serious Relationship Problems

Every relationship is going to run into problems. Relationship problems are normal part of life. Many people become worried when the arguments start. Arguments are a sign of passion in the relationship so assume this is normal, as long as they don’t turn into physical violence. However your relatiosnhip may need some attention if the conflicts are getting frequent.

Most people automatically assume they may not be compatible if they start to argue a lot. Don’t assume this, as the issues that’s causing the arguments could be very simple to overcome.

Using “Logic” to fix your problems?

Most couples try using logic to fix their problems and this rarely works. There is very little logic in the communication between a man and a woman that’s understood by each other, especially when emotions are high.

I become more worried for couples when the arguments stop, this is because I know the couples will have tried to communicate with each other, but now they no longer see the point.

An example: Many men feel that the quiet is a good thing, but this is not the case. If your partner has stopped the arguments then she is likely to be locking down ready to run, or could be going into depression. [Read more...]

Why do a lot of people fail to get the life they want…

One of my biggest quests has been to understand the answer to that question. The answer to this question has helped me to help others create the happiness they deserve. After all if we could understand why people fail all we would have to do is do the reverse….Simple!

That sounds reasonable, in fact most people already know what to do, but on the whole they don’t do it.

For example:

  • Many people know smoking will kill them, but they continue anyway.
  • Many people over eat and even though they can see themselves getting fatter, but they keep eating.
  • Many people are struggling financially, they know what they have done so far has not worked, but they carry on doing it anyway.
  • Many people are very wealthy, they know that money is not fulfilling their happiness, but they carry on in a single minded quest for more cash, never feeling fulfilled. [Read more...]

Can I change my partner?

One of the questions I get asked from individuals wanting help for their relationship is what if my partner will not attend the couples sessions.

This is always a struggle because if the couple want to fix their problems and only one person believes in getting help then how can the help work?

The answer is with the right approach if one person changes their behaviour in a relationship the result is always their partner has no choice but to change in response.

You can try this yourself, change your behaviour at home tonight make a conscious effort to be different, maybe happier, sexier, whatever feels OK to try.

Watch how your partner reacts to you. Of course just behaving happier or sexier will not fix your relationship problems, but it will prove that you have the power to get your partner to react to you when you change your behaviours.

When you see this for yourself you will be left with the question “…what changes can I make today and every day to my own behaviour that will positively impact my relationship?”

Of course every situation is unique and so once I discover what motivates your partner and what could be causing problems then I can help you understand how to make changes in you to make life at home a happy place to live again.

You have more power than you think you have, do the test watch what happens and let us know how you get on…

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

He Never Wants To Talk About Our Problems

It’s generally women that generate the need to come for relationship coaching with the complaint that
he never wants to talk about our problems“.

Many women experience this frustration and so they feel that their partner does not care about them, and so she is left to sort out their problems on her own, and this starts to build resentment in her towards her man.

I’ll explain why he is never keen on talking!

…and how to open him up

A  man will only want to fix a problem that he knows he can fix. If he knows he will fail, he will be very reluctant to try, because his job is always to please his woman and fix the problems.

Failure to fix her problems and make her happy could mean a failed relationship in his mind, and so he is likely to  run when she says “we need to talk”.

To a man “we need to talk” = the end of the relationship!

Can you now see why he is not keen to talk, he wants to save the relationship too. You actually share the same goal just your perspectives are different.

This is why a relationship for a man is like a minefield of pain if it starts to go wrong, because he is so frustrated inside and is stuck, torn with what to do. So he does nothing and it’s this behaviour that frustrates women.

He also dislikes speaking and especially about feelings, so don’t be too hard on him because unlike women men are really not designed to engage in this way, men are not deep voiced, big hairy women.

He does love you and he does care, he just doesn’t know how to fix this!

So if you want to engage with him then speaking to him like he is a woman will never work.

Approach your man in a way that he understands.

For example:

Tell him the problem you are having and the meaning that you put to it and do it without blame.

“when you leave your socks on the floor and I keep complaining that you don’t pick them up, and you ignore my request, it makes me feel that I am not important to you. If that feels true for me then I start to create a fear that the relationship might be under threat and this makes me feel unsafe and unhappy.”

“I need you to make me feel safe and that you will be with me forever, it not really about the socks I just need to know I am appreciated and loved.”

Then tell him what you now need, a hug, or a kiss or loving words. Teach him what you need so he starts to learn how you work so he can be successful at pleasing you.

Many women believe a man should just understand her, but how can he. He is not a mind reader and half the time she does not understand herself, so he has no chance!

You have now given him the process your mind has gone through and where his socks on the floor might lead you to emotionally and what you need to feel better.

Now he understands how to fix you and how to make you happy now he feels like a man again.

You now both have what you really want!

Relationship Advice for Women

Relationship Advice for Women: Do you want to know the secret to a mans heart? If so then this post is for you.

Discover how to avoid him silently attaching a
truck load of bad feelings to you.

I’m sure that you will agree that men and women are totally different. In fact we are almost like different species when it comes to how we think and behave.

There is good reason for these differences, as evolution and instinct are still at play in all our daily lives. So like it or not there is a powerful force of nature in us all.

From a mans perspective he is happiest when he is congruent with what he was designed to do. He wants top be able to look after his family/woman, provide for them and keep them happy safe and secure.

He wants to be able to mend all the problems you may have and if anything good happens then he would really like to take the credit for it.

When your man is successful at knowing all that’s good in your life is down to him, you’ll have a very happy man.

When he feels this, then you will have helped him attach all that he wants to being with you, this is what you want.

Help him feel successful

So to achieve this, set him up for success, give him something to fix, and show him love when he does it… then watch his mood change. Let him know how safe you feel with him around. Tell him how great he makes you feel about you, he doesn’t need details, he just needs to know it happens.

If he takes you out and he chooses the restaurant tell him what you love about his plans. I know that sometimes he may not be perfect and it may not be how you would like it, but help him understand you, don’t assume he will understand you. After all do you understand you all the time?

So if he gets it wrong or you want him to do something for you, don’t nag! Educate him in a loving way that speaks to a man and not a little boy.

Ask for your money back

The thing is this, whoever sold you the idea that nagging your man to get him to do what you want him to do works, ask for your money back.

You may disagree because your nagging eventually works, but you are not in his head when he reluctantly does what you ask and then “silently gets a truck load of bad feelings and attaches it to you” every time.

You can’t tell a real man what to do, he is not five, PLUS a real man is what you want, kicking a man is not the way to get what you want and get into his heart at the same time.