The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Why is it so difficult for couples to fix their relationship problems?

What I’m going to share today is critical to understand if you want to make lasting changes in your relationship. I have not spoken about this before on this blog so it’s important to understand.

Very few couples do this automatically and this is one of the major factors to why there are so many single parents, broken families, affairs, separations and divorces.

By understanding and helping couples understand what is important to know in their relationship  is one of the key factors to the success in all my relationship clinics.

If you have been following my posts you will have learnt that couples “presenting problems” such as arguments, loss of passion, lack of trust, etc, are not the real problems in a couples relationship. Although with no other logical knowledge this will be their incorrect assumption. [Read more...]

How to Avoid Serious Relationship Problems

Every relationship is going to run into problems. Relationship problems are normal part of life. Many people become worried when the arguments start. Arguments are a sign of passion in the relationship so assume this is normal, as long as they don’t turn into physical violence. However your relatiosnhip may need some attention if the conflicts are getting frequent.

Most people automatically assume they may not be compatible if they start to argue a lot. Don’t assume this, as the issues that’s causing the arguments could be very simple to overcome.

Using “Logic” to fix your problems?

Most couples try using logic to fix their problems and this rarely works. There is very little logic in the communication between a man and a woman that’s understood by each other, especially when emotions are high.

I become more worried for couples when the arguments stop, this is because I know the couples will have tried to communicate with each other, but now they no longer see the point.

An example: Many men feel that the quiet is a good thing, but this is not the case. If your partner has stopped the arguments then she is likely to be locking down ready to run, or could be going into depression. [Read more...]

Why do a lot of people fail to get the life they want…

One of my biggest quests has been to understand the answer to that question. The answer to this question has helped me to help others create the happiness they deserve. After all if we could understand why people fail all we would have to do is do the reverse….Simple!

That sounds reasonable, in fact most people already know what to do, but on the whole they don’t do it.

For example:

  • Many people know smoking will kill them, but they continue anyway.
  • Many people over eat and even though they can see themselves getting fatter, but they keep eating.
  • Many people are struggling financially, they know what they have done so far has not worked, but they carry on doing it anyway.
  • Many people are very wealthy, they know that money is not fulfilling their happiness, but they carry on in a single minded quest for more cash, never feeling fulfilled. [Read more...]

Can I change my partner?

One of the questions I get asked from individuals wanting help for their relationship is what if my partner will not attend the couples sessions.

This is always a struggle because if the couple want to fix their problems and only one person believes in getting help then how can the help work?

The answer is with the right approach if one person changes their behaviour in a relationship the result is always their partner has no choice but to change in response.

You can try this yourself, change your behaviour at home tonight make a conscious effort to be different, maybe happier, sexier, whatever feels OK to try.

Watch how your partner reacts to you. Of course just behaving happier or sexier will not fix your relationship problems, but it will prove that you have the power to get your partner to react to you when you change your behaviours.

When you see this for yourself you will be left with the question “…what changes can I make today and every day to my own behaviour that will positively impact my relationship?”

Of course every situation is unique and so once I discover what motivates your partner and what could be causing problems then I can help you understand how to make changes in you to make life at home a happy place to live again.

You have more power than you think you have, do the test watch what happens and let us know how you get on…

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

He Never Wants To Talk About Our Problems

It’s generally women that generate the need to come for relationship coaching with the complaint that
he never wants to talk about our problems“.

Many women experience this frustration and so they feel that their partner does not care about them, and so she is left to sort out their problems on her own, and this starts to build resentment in her towards her man.

I’ll explain why he is never keen on talking!

…and how to open him up

A  man will only want to fix a problem that he knows he can fix. If he knows he will fail, he will be very reluctant to try, because his job is always to please his woman and fix the problems.

Failure to fix her problems and make her happy could mean a failed relationship in his mind, and so he is likely to  run when she says “we need to talk”.

To a man “we need to talk” = the end of the relationship!

Can you now see why he is not keen to talk, he wants to save the relationship too. You actually share the same goal just your perspectives are different.

This is why a relationship for a man is like a minefield of pain if it starts to go wrong, because he is so frustrated inside and is stuck, torn with what to do. So he does nothing and it’s this behaviour that frustrates women.

He also dislikes speaking and especially about feelings, so don’t be too hard on him because unlike women men are really not designed to engage in this way, men are not deep voiced, big hairy women.

He does love you and he does care, he just doesn’t know how to fix this!

So if you want to engage with him then speaking to him like he is a woman will never work.

Approach your man in a way that he understands.

For example:

Tell him the problem you are having and the meaning that you put to it and do it without blame.

“when you leave your socks on the floor and I keep complaining that you don’t pick them up, and you ignore my request, it makes me feel that I am not important to you. If that feels true for me then I start to create a fear that the relationship might be under threat and this makes me feel unsafe and unhappy.”

“I need you to make me feel safe and that you will be with me forever, it not really about the socks I just need to know I am appreciated and loved.”

Then tell him what you now need, a hug, or a kiss or loving words. Teach him what you need so he starts to learn how you work so he can be successful at pleasing you.

Many women believe a man should just understand her, but how can he. He is not a mind reader and half the time she does not understand herself, so he has no chance!

You have now given him the process your mind has gone through and where his socks on the floor might lead you to emotionally and what you need to feel better.

Now he understands how to fix you and how to make you happy now he feels like a man again.

You now both have what you really want!

Relationship Advice for Women

Relationship Advice for Women: Do you want to know the secret to a mans heart? If so then this post is for you.

Discover how to avoid him silently attaching a
truck load of bad feelings to you.

I’m sure that you will agree that men and women are totally different. In fact we are almost like different species when it comes to how we think and behave.

There is good reason for these differences, as evolution and instinct are still at play in all our daily lives. So like it or not there is a powerful force of nature in us all.

From a mans perspective he is happiest when he is congruent with what he was designed to do. He wants top be able to look after his family/woman, provide for them and keep them happy safe and secure.

He wants to be able to mend all the problems you may have and if anything good happens then he would really like to take the credit for it.

When your man is successful at knowing all that’s good in your life is down to him, you’ll have a very happy man.

When he feels this, then you will have helped him attach all that he wants to being with you, this is what you want.

Help him feel successful

So to achieve this, set him up for success, give him something to fix, and show him love when he does it… then watch his mood change. Let him know how safe you feel with him around. Tell him how great he makes you feel about you, he doesn’t need details, he just needs to know it happens.

If he takes you out and he chooses the restaurant tell him what you love about his plans. I know that sometimes he may not be perfect and it may not be how you would like it, but help him understand you, don’t assume he will understand you. After all do you understand you all the time?

So if he gets it wrong or you want him to do something for you, don’t nag! Educate him in a loving way that speaks to a man and not a little boy.

Ask for your money back

The thing is this, whoever sold you the idea that nagging your man to get him to do what you want him to do works, ask for your money back.

You may disagree because your nagging eventually works, but you are not in his head when he reluctantly does what you ask and then “silently gets a truck load of bad feelings and attaches it to you” every time.

You can’t tell a real man what to do, he is not five, PLUS a real man is what you want, kicking a man is not the way to get what you want and get into his heart at the same time.

How to get your man to do what you want him to do!

Have you ever been frustrated at your man. You ask him to do something and you get no action like your words mean nothing to him and what you want is not important.

Take some time to consider the words you are using because this can make a big difference to what a man thinks when you speak.

If you speak in a way that questions his ability to do something then he will feel you are questioning his ability eg. Can you fix the gate? Or could you pick up some shopping for me?

Change the can

Differences Between The Sexes – Communication

Have you ever wondered why men and women struggle to understand each other?

There are many, many reasons, but here is one that might help.

Do you notice that women can talk and talk and talk and never really seem to have a point. For example they can go on a shopping trip and talk at length at everything they did and saw, tried on liked and disliked.

Why when women talk about their day like this do men switch off.

Do the men not love their partners?…

Are the men bored of hearing the women talk, is this a sign something is going wrong in the relationship, do you both need to talk about he fact your not talking like you both used to?

No the men get frustrated because they are constantly looking for ways to help women (note if he has stopped doing this then there will be a reason), the longer there is nothing to fix the more frustrated they become and so they give up.

The woman notices everything and so she sees the man give up and then gives it a meaning, such as he is going off her, doesn

How to keep your man happy

If you want to keep your man, then you’ll need this important secret to unlocking the power in him to make you feel like a woman.

Just like you every man is different, but…

There are some basic principals for you to understand if you are to get the best out of him, help him to feel great about himself and attach all those amazing feelings to you.

There is a myth that all men are only really interested in one thing – It’s the butt of many jokes, but is also a rule that most women believe and so live by in their relationships.

Yes it’s true men do want that, BUT..!

There is one thing that men want more than that, and until women understand this basic rule they will always find they’ll have problems with him… I’ll explain…

This is your lesson:

“Your Man wants to be able to make you happy… More than anything!”

This is important: When she is not happy then a man will think he has failed her and himself. Even if what she is not happy about is not his fault he will try to help her fix it. Nine times out of ten she doesn’t want him to fix anything and she get frustrated, because all she wants to do is share her feelings. He takes this as a rejection and further proof of his inability to help her be happy.

Did you ever notice how good he feels when he does something you really like?

If a man starts to experience that his efforts are not making his partner happy he will start to feel really bad about himself. He will then at some point have his thoughts confirmed as his partner will mention she is not happy with his behaviour on some level.

If a man experiences this too many times he will stop trying to please her, because to him whatever he does will be pointless and will associate him with failure and more bad feelings to attach to his woman. If he loves her he will hate these feelings and reject himself further.

He will feel totally insignificant in the relationship and go to where in can feel important outside of the relationship. This could be friends, hobbies, working late or if he is feeling a real failure an affair could be an option.

This will cause even more problems because whatever he’s is doing it is not spending time with her. The woman will now be left alone, feel unappreciated and she will complain about that. This feeds even more proof that he can never be successful with her.

So what’s the solution? How can you keep him?

Give him as many ways to please you as possible. Make it really easy for him to make you feel good, when he starts feeling like a man again it won’t belong before he makes you feel like a woman.

If you want something fixed go to him with something you know he can fix. If you want to share your feelings, go talk to your girl friends or keep it to ten minutes with him, but no more, because he does not have a clue what you are talking about. Remember to let him know he does not have to do or say anything, just listen.

When he starts to feel that he is at last doing a good job, he will start to want to do more, he will feel great about himself and attach his great feeling and success to his woman.

Understanding his needs are critical for your relationship to be success get addicted to doing that and he will never leave you!