Is Your Relationship Giving You What You Really Need – In The Way You Want It?

Is your relationship growing or dying? Are your needs being met in the way you want?

Of course growing would only happen through the love of wanting to understand each others needs and understand why you are stronger together than apart. Why does your future look more exciting with your partner than on your own? Maybe it doesn’t!

The focus has to be on the pleasure of an exciting life together, if what came up for you were fears, dread or that no future could be seen then maybe it’s time to explore your relationship.

At the bottom of this post there is a quick test you can ask yourself to explore what’s happening for you. [Read more...]

Why doesn’t my husband understand me?

To be fair husbands can feel the same, it can be really frustrating for couples when they are doing all they can to get through to their partners and keep failing. It can feel that their partner really doesn’t care and if this is true then the future and love comes into question.

Most husbands do really love their wives, but they are stuck because they feel whatever they do doesn’t work, he feels powerless in the relationship as she gets stronger to cope with his percieved lack of care.

Your husband doesn’t understand you because he is not female, he wired totally differently to you. In essence men and women are designed by nature for totally different jobs and so automatically experience the world differently. [Read more...]

Have You Lost Sight of Your Future?

Many people experience problems such as stress, depression, constant relationship challenges and over time stop seeing a future for themselves and can no longer see a future with their partner.

This lack of vision is created by years of feeling stuck and unhappy. They go through a process of having to change who they are to cope with their relationship problems and their partners behaviours. Some feel they have detached from their true self not liking  who they have become.

This process of constant problems is actually changing them, because they are entering into a state of fear that their life is not going to be safe if their partner continues to behave this way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

She had an affair but years later it still tortures him… WHY!!?

“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…

It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.

This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]

Relationships: Getting Back to the Basics

There are some fundamental basics that when in place will make a significant difference to any relationship.

Relationships are a place to give. Anyone who enters a relationship to take what they need will find themselves in problems very fast. Some people do give, but they give so they can get back. This causes problems too because this is a trade and anyone who trades love will find they lose passion fast. A loss of passion is a big relationship killer.

So giving love unconditionally is critical, anyone choosing to not do this is creating an uncertain future and weakening the foundations of a relationship they want to keep. This happens because as the love comes and goes fear enters the couple bit-by-bit and this builds resentment. [Read more...]

Marriage & Sex: A Stranger had Woken the Passion in Her and it Shocked Her!

When we look at all the critical elements that relationships need, SEX is pretty high on the list. Sex can also be really challenging because the balance needed to create it and maintain it in relationship is very specific. Most couples are unaware of this balance and so problems begin to appear without them knowing.

Without sex any relationship is relegated to the status of friends, this status in the relationship will cause resentment on some level that can ultimately kill their relationship.

As you read through this post you will start to discover the biggest cause of sexual problems in relationships.

Lack of sex in a relationship is a major cause of relationship break ups! So if this is a problem for you and you want to keep your relationship you have to know two key things. [Read more...]

Could This Be Happening To You?

From time to time we can all have doubts that knock our confidence and this is normal. Sometimes our confidence can become so knocked that rebuilding our strength in our ability to create a wonderful future can feel almost impossible. Impossible to the point we feel stuck, paralysed in a life that can just feel wrong.

I want to share a true story of how someone can create an unwinnable life that keeps them paralyzed. So stuck they came to me for help…

This may not reflect what is specifically happening to you. What is important is you know if you are feeling challenged by life there are answers for you.

This lady was totally unaware of what was happening for her, but what she did know was her behaviours were destroying her life. [Read more...]

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

Relationship Lessons: The School Of Hard Knocks!

When relationships go wrong, life is not forgiving at all. Speaking to one of my clients recently I could hear the desperation as he shared his fears. He loves his wife and children with all his heart, but he knew it was possible that he was about to lose them all, plus the house he loved. He then bitterly told me that he could see that he would be working everyday to paying for them all to have a great life without him.

His resentment was huge, so his motivation to put the relationship right became his number one mission.

My concern for him was, is it too little too late for his wife? Most couples come to sessions far to late! Mind you I can’t blame them with the amount of horror stories around about couples counsellors.

  • This is why my service is designed to be very different [Read more...]

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

I have created a FREE ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COURSE. For seven days you will receive more advice on how to successfully build a lasting passionate relationship.

  • Thank you for reading and please free to sign-up below to claim your copy.

Don’t forget to share this with your friends…

Divorce Advice: Is a divorce the right solution?

I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?

Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?

How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?

I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…

Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?

When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…

…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.

So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.

When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.

This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.

The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.

So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.

What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.

What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?

My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.

Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Nature Never Designed Us To Live In A Box!

Nature brilliantly designed us to have chemical explosions inside us when we meet someone we are attracted to, but nature never designed us to live together for life in a box (we call home).

Natures primary concerned is with survival and growth.

So if we are not designed to live in a box together then we must need some other resource to make it possible to keep the love and passion alive.

To grow a relationship you need skill

You need skill to make a relationship last and stay passionate. You see if you are under the illusion that the power nature used to attract you to your partner will also keep the relationship and passion alive forever you will be disappointed.

For a relationship to work it takes real skill and understanding.

Without this skill couples all across the UK and the world live together in fear.

  • That life is not going to be the way they thought it would be
  • That their partner may leave them
  • That they won’t be loved
  • They might not be enough in some way

There are a few key things that if the couple focus their energy on these areas their chances of a successful journey together is significantly magnified.

Just imagine if you lived your whole life never getting the relationship you deserved and all you were missing were some key pieces of information. The information that society and parents don’t teach the critical information that is lacking in the marriages that end in divorce.

I teach couples the skills they need to keep their relationship alive

No matter what stage of the relationship process you are in getting this step-by-step information is critical.

  • You could be just starting out looking for love
  • You could be about to get married
  • You could be newly married
  • Together for a while and things have become a little stale
  • Maybe your passion has died and you want it back
  • It couple be you are secretly planning your escape
  • Maybe your arguments/problems are so bad you can’t see a future together
  • Are you separated and you now feel lost
  • Maybe divorce is now on your mind, you don’t want it, but you can’t see any other way
  • Maybe you are divorced and finding love again seems daunting.

Whatever stage you are in it is never too late to learn the skills for creating a successful journey through life together.

You see when things go wrong the best key to success is the knowledge of how to create growth at the point of conflict.

  • If you are in need of help to move your relationship or life to the next level, or you are not willing to settle for just existing together, get in touch today!

How to mend a broken heart?

Those suffering from relationship heart break will experience emotional and physical pain through the trauma of losing someone they loved, through them leaving and chosing a new life.  The victims will run questions over and over in their minds searching for a solution to their pain.

Why did it happen, What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? They promised to be with me forever? How could I have not noticed? I must be a failure? I’m a bad partner? He or she tricked me? How could I be so stupid? I should have done more….! This list of torment goes on and on.

Individuals get taken over with feelings ranging from worthlessness to anger, from humiliation to feeling unlovable from abandonment, rejection to deep depression and some to suicidal thoughts.

Both men and women can have a desire more emotionally powerful than almost any other to find away to get their partner back.

Some know that getting their partner back is impossible, or they have no desire to go down that road again, however they still have feelings of love for them yet no where to put those feelings.

Some just feel stuck not knowing what they want all they know is they are experiencing a hurt they never want to experience again.

So how do you heal a broken heart?

How to you mend the heart of someone who is in so much pain? Some just get active, they make life changes, some block their emotions, some get another partner fast.

What I find that works best is understanding the truth, or getting as close as we can to it.

The purpose is to put the person back in control of their life and their emotions. The experiencing feeling out of control and this is very frightening and if not understood can emotionally block that person for years to come.

Once the person has understood their role in their relationship break up then the job is to build their confidence in themselves by teaching them how they work and how they can take control of themselves and their future lives.

This process is very powerful because they not only understand how they work but they understand what to look for in future partners.

They learn how to communicate with themselves in new ways and this empowers them to see the world and how others behave in new ways.

A broken heart can be mended and the person can learn the right way to heal themselves step-by-step.

No one is out of control they just feel they are because life, parents and society has not taught them how. This doesn’t mean it’s not possible it means that education is needed.

It’s like living with a boy and I want a man?

We all have a past and that past has created us to be who we are today. We use our past to learn how to live. We model our parents so we know how to react when life feels wrong, or someone has treated us badly. We learn from our parents how relationships work. We model not just them, but all those around us as we grow.

So as an adult now, were those models the right ones for you? Were your partners models the right ones?

  • You only have to look at your life now to know the answer.

I see so many people who have pasts that have helped them to create coping patterns, beliefs and ways to live that make it impossible for a growth orientated relationship to flourish.

The couple just exist, in a box they call home.

There seems to big a big dilemma over the question, has my past affected me, the answer is yes! It’s how you learnt to live and keep yourself safe. Have a think now, when life doesn’t feel good to you, and you think about what you do in that moment, who do you think you copied? Was it mum or dad? Who does your partner copy?

Some people tell themselves stories that keep them stuck, some people have beliefs that they are no good enough, or they are not worthy of love.

It’s almost like they cast a spell on themselves and it’s based on something that happened to them in the past.

These coping patterns, these stories, these limiting beliefs about who you are? Are they really true?

Some women find themselves living with a man, but he feels like a boy to her? She loves him, but her attraction for him has gone. Some men find themselves living with a woman they feel they can’t please?

Where has a man learnt how to be so needy and child like? Where has that woman learn that punishment and withholding love is her answer to more love?

Simple behaviours done in the wrong way could just be destroying the very thing you want to keep?

Is this where you are? Do you not feel safe in your relationship when you try to imagine your future?

Is your past going to be a mirror for your future or are you going to take control and make a change now!

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.

They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.

The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.

The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…

On their wedding website they wrote:

Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.

In their own words…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.

We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way.  But we also got so much more than that.  We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.

We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.

I  highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce.  It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.

Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011

Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.

It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.

They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.

I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!

She is impossible to please

When you see as many couples as I do, you can’t help but see patterns emerge. She is impossible to please is one of the typical beliefs that men come into sessions with. It’s not true of course, but from his perspective it is AND HE HAS PROOF!

What usually happens is he has tried everything except what really works. He will use male logic to solve her situation and when he has exhausted every option and still fails he will give up, left with the feeling… “She is impossible to please” .

The reason he fails is simple and is why he can’t solve their problem, he is trying to please her from the perspective of  a man. She is not a man so his solutions will never work. If he were to put himself in her shoes he would notice a different world and a different solution.

So guys if you are having constant relationship problems, you are likely to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

The challenge she faces is: When he feels she is impossible to please this for him is one of the biggest sources of pain. It is proof that maybe he is not enough and maybe he will never get the love he needs. This could mean he gets weaker, he leaves, has an affair, bullies her and so on, none of which will work for her and the relationship will start to break down. If you have children they will be feeling the pain so please act quickly.

I have to help men understand what they have to do to be successful with her.

What I help him to learn is things like

  • How to understand her and what she means when she speaks
  • How to stop making her problems about him
  • How to understand her core need and fulfil his own at the same time
  • What has to happen for her to engage sexually
  • How to help her feel amazing about her and attach those feeling to him.
  • How to stop judging her.
  • How to look after her when she is in pain, even pain caused by him
  • How to help her create a future that she can get excited about.
  • How to give and love unconditionally

When a man learns how to serve and protect his partner in the way she needs, he will meet his own needs through giving to her. This will help him to feel great, plus she will feel wonderful and look for many ways to help him feel great too.

How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.