My marriage isn’t working what do I do?

With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce it’s clear the lack of relationship education in society is taking it’s toll on innocent families. With no education on how to grow successful relationships no one is surprised by these figures.

Effectively couples unskilled in relationship building are committing their whole life to a partner with no idea how to really make it work long-term and if that person is really the right fit for them.

So what are your options when things go wrong? [Read more...]

What has to happen for you to feel more certain about your future together?

Discover the top ten things and then share them with your partner. Many couples don’t share what they are really feeling. Their partner is then failing without knowing.

So help your partner to keep you feeling more certain about the future by sharing how they could really become successful with you.

I feel more certain about our future when…

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The Hardest Lesson To Learn

Many people believe the hardest lessons to learn are the painful ones. Where we have made mistakes and they have cost us. Some believe the hardest lesson is when their errors are exposed to others.

Yes all these are potentially hard to take, however there is one that’s far more potent and it’s the one I see every week in my sessions. [Read more...]

He stood tears rolling down his face…

Smiling through his tears, at last he could see there was hope for the future for him and his wife, he felt lighter, free and he could feel within him confidence for his future start to fill his body.

Four hours earlier he thought he understood how his life worked and why it was going wrong. He was shocked to discover he was totally in the dark and happiness for him and his wife was a totally random event.

He discovered there was a way he could be a man in his relationship and in his life. He now knew what he had to do to love and protect all those he cared for, plus he could do all this without fear. [Read more...]

Does divorce seem like the only option?

If we divorce are we making a mistake? If your relationship has been dead for years’ maybe it has been dead for a reason. You see some couples are just not meant to be together.

  • Many people assume that my mission is to fix all couples relationships… it’s not, there is no point in just one person being happy in a relationship!

My mission is to help individuals create successful fulfilling lives in the way they want. Not being together might be the right decision. Maybe they will be happier apart… [Read more...]

Is Your Relationship Giving You What You Really Need – In The Way You Want It?

Is your relationship growing or dying? Are your needs being met in the way you want?

Of course growing would only happen through the love of wanting to understand each others needs and understand why you are stronger together than apart. Why does your future look more exciting with your partner than on your own? Maybe it doesn’t!

The focus has to be on the pleasure of an exciting life together, if what came up for you were fears, dread or that no future could be seen then maybe it’s time to explore your relationship.

At the bottom of this post there is a quick test you can ask yourself to explore what’s happening for you. [Read more...]

Why doesn’t my husband understand me?

To be fair husbands can feel the same, it can be really frustrating for couples when they are doing all they can to get through to their partners and keep failing. It can feel that their partner really doesn’t care and if this is true then the future and love comes into question.

Most husbands do really love their wives, but they are stuck because they feel whatever they do doesn’t work, he feels powerless in the relationship as she gets stronger to cope with his percieved lack of care.

Your husband doesn’t understand you because he is not female, he wired totally differently to you. In essence men and women are designed by nature for totally different jobs and so automatically experience the world differently. [Read more...]

Have You Lost Sight of Your Future?

Many people experience problems such as stress, depression, constant relationship challenges and over time stop seeing a future for themselves and can no longer see a future with their partner.

This lack of vision is created by years of feeling stuck and unhappy. They go through a process of having to change who they are to cope with their relationship problems and their partners behaviours. Some feel they have detached from their true self not liking  who they have become.

This process of constant problems is actually changing them, because they are entering into a state of fear that their life is not going to be safe if their partner continues to behave this way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

She had an affair but years later it still tortures him… WHY!!?

“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…

It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.

This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]

Relationships: Getting Back to the Basics

There are some fundamental basics that when in place will make a significant difference to any relationship.

Relationships are a place to give. Anyone who enters a relationship to take what they need will find themselves in problems very fast. Some people do give, but they give so they can get back. This causes problems too because this is a trade and anyone who trades love will find they lose passion fast. A loss of passion is a big relationship killer.

So giving love unconditionally is critical, anyone choosing to not do this is creating an uncertain future and weakening the foundations of a relationship they want to keep. This happens because as the love comes and goes fear enters the couple bit-by-bit and this builds resentment. [Read more...]

Marriage & Sex: A Stranger had Woken the Passion in Her and it Shocked Her!

When we look at all the critical elements that relationships need, SEX is pretty high on the list. Sex can also be really challenging because the balance needed to create it and maintain it in relationship is very specific. Most couples are unaware of this balance and so problems begin to appear without them knowing.

Without sex any relationship is relegated to the status of friends, this status in the relationship will cause resentment on some level that can ultimately kill their relationship.

As you read through this post you will start to discover the biggest cause of sexual problems in relationships.

Lack of sex in a relationship is a major cause of relationship break ups! So if this is a problem for you and you want to keep your relationship you have to know two key things. [Read more...]

Could This Be Happening To You?

From time to time we can all have doubts that knock our confidence and this is normal. Sometimes our confidence can become so knocked that rebuilding our strength in our ability to create a wonderful future can feel almost impossible. Impossible to the point we feel stuck, paralysed in a life that can just feel wrong.

I want to share a true story of how someone can create an unwinnable life that keeps them paralyzed. So stuck they came to me for help…

This may not reflect what is specifically happening to you. What is important is you know if you are feeling challenged by life there are answers for you.

This lady was totally unaware of what was happening for her, but what she did know was her behaviours were destroying her life. [Read more...]

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

Relationship Lessons: The School Of Hard Knocks!

When relationships go wrong, life is not forgiving at all. Speaking to one of my clients recently I could hear the desperation as he shared his fears. He loves his wife and children with all his heart, but he knew it was possible that he was about to lose them all, plus the house he loved. He then bitterly told me that he could see that he would be working everyday to paying for them all to have a great life without him.

His resentment was huge, so his motivation to put the relationship right became his number one mission.

My concern for him was, is it too little too late for his wife? Most couples come to sessions far to late! Mind you I can’t blame them with the amount of horror stories around about couples counsellors.

  • This is why my service is designed to be very different [Read more...]

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

I have created a FREE ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COURSE. For seven days you will receive more advice on how to successfully build a lasting passionate relationship.

  • Thank you for reading and please free to sign-up below to claim your copy.

Don’t forget to share this with your friends…

Divorce Advice: Is a divorce the right solution?

I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?

Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?

How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?

I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…

Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?

When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…

…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.

So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.

When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.

This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.

The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.

So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.

What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.

What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?

My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.

Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Nature Never Designed Us To Live In A Box!

Nature brilliantly designed us to have chemical explosions inside us when we meet someone we are attracted to, but nature never designed us to live together for life in a box (we call home).

Natures primary concerned is with survival and growth.

So if we are not designed to live in a box together then we must need some other resource to make it possible to keep the love and passion alive.

To grow a relationship you need skill

You need skill to make a relationship last and stay passionate. You see if you are under the illusion that the power nature used to attract you to your partner will also keep the relationship and passion alive forever you will be disappointed.

For a relationship to work it takes real skill and understanding.

Without this skill couples all across the UK and the world live together in fear.

  • That life is not going to be the way they thought it would be
  • That their partner may leave them
  • That they won’t be loved
  • They might not be enough in some way

There are a few key things that if the couple focus their energy on these areas their chances of a successful journey together is significantly magnified.

Just imagine if you lived your whole life never getting the relationship you deserved and all you were missing were some key pieces of information. The information that society and parents don’t teach the critical information that is lacking in the marriages that end in divorce.

I teach couples the skills they need to keep their relationship alive

No matter what stage of the relationship process you are in getting this step-by-step information is critical.

  • You could be just starting out looking for love
  • You could be about to get married
  • You could be newly married
  • Together for a while and things have become a little stale
  • Maybe your passion has died and you want it back
  • It couple be you are secretly planning your escape
  • Maybe your arguments/problems are so bad you can’t see a future together
  • Are you separated and you now feel lost
  • Maybe divorce is now on your mind, you don’t want it, but you can’t see any other way
  • Maybe you are divorced and finding love again seems daunting.

Whatever stage you are in it is never too late to learn the skills for creating a successful journey through life together.

You see when things go wrong the best key to success is the knowledge of how to create growth at the point of conflict.

  • If you are in need of help to move your relationship or life to the next level, or you are not willing to settle for just existing together, get in touch today!