The Answer to Your Life Puzzle

Yesterday I wrote about how the meanings we give to situations shape our lives today. So to expand on that we are going to look at the foundation that creates those meanings.

Our focus of thought is the foundation of our life experiences. Without a conscious direction of thought most people minds automatically focus on their fears, or what’s wrong.

The mind is designed for automatic processing of thought so we can quickly understand if we are safe or not. The problems come when we use this automatic thought to design our lives…

If our focus is the foundation of our meaning then most people will live in fear. This fear is brought to life and maginfied by the person as they feel more and more out of control of their life. [Read more...]

Simple Steps To Save Your Relationship Or Marriage Step-By-Step Guidance

If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship and are the steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]

It’s time to invest in you…

As we grow from children into adults we are conditioned that if we work hard get a good education we’ll have the opportunity to create the lives we want.

So we put 1000’s of hours into developing our professional skills in our quest to get the lives we want.

So my question is this if education is so critical, why do we expect our relationships to happen naturally with no education?

How is it even possible for two people to meet have no relationship building skills and expect their relationship to last? [Read more...]

When did you and I stop being us?

She sat hands clasped, lacking in confidence and underweight through worry.  I was exploring with her what their relationship was like in the first year. She was suffering from fears created by a traumatic past that needed understanding and removing, so I had invited her for a one-on-one session with me.

As she started to tell the stories of what they used to do, how they used to play together, do daft things in public, her face starting to light up and she smiled as she relived those moments where she was happy, clearly connected to her true feminine self.

As she drifted into that world that filled her with joy, startled she broke her own trance, hand over her mouth she gasped… [Read more...]

Will My Relationship Pass The Test Of Time?

What are the top three critical things a couple can focus on that will make 80% of the difference to the success of their relationship? Are you aware of what’s critical to make your relationship work? Many couples don’t know and so they can find themselves stuck, unhappy, lonely in their relationships.

So as you scan the points below what do you think you have missed or not understood fully? [Read more...]

My marriage isn’t working what do I do?

With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce it’s clear the lack of relationship education in society is taking it’s toll on innocent families. With no education on how to grow successful relationships no one is surprised by these figures.

Effectively couples unskilled in relationship building are committing their whole life to a partner with no idea how to really make it work long-term and if that person is really the right fit for them.

So what are your options when things go wrong? [Read more...]

What has to happen for you to feel more certain about your future together?

Discover the top ten things and then share them with your partner. Many couples don’t share what they are really feeling. Their partner is then failing without knowing.

So help your partner to keep you feeling more certain about the future by sharing how they could really become successful with you.

I feel more certain about our future when…

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The Hardest Lesson To Learn

Many people believe the hardest lessons to learn are the painful ones. Where we have made mistakes and they have cost us. Some believe the hardest lesson is when their errors are exposed to others.

Yes all these are potentially hard to take, however there is one that’s far more potent and it’s the one I see every week in my sessions. [Read more...]

He stood tears rolling down his face…

Smiling through his tears, at last he could see there was hope for the future for him and his wife, he felt lighter, free and he could feel within him confidence for his future start to fill his body.

Four hours earlier he thought he understood how his life worked and why it was going wrong. He was shocked to discover he was totally in the dark and happiness for him and his wife was a totally random event.

He discovered there was a way he could be a man in his relationship and in his life. He now knew what he had to do to love and protect all those he cared for, plus he could do all this without fear. [Read more...]

Does divorce seem like the only option?

If we divorce are we making a mistake? If your relationship has been dead for years’ maybe it has been dead for a reason. You see some couples are just not meant to be together.

  • Many people assume that my mission is to fix all couples relationships… it’s not, there is no point in just one person being happy in a relationship!

My mission is to help individuals create successful fulfilling lives in the way they want. Not being together might be the right decision. Maybe they will be happier apart… [Read more...]

Is Your Relationship Giving You What You Really Need – In The Way You Want It?

Is your relationship growing or dying? Are your needs being met in the way you want?

Of course growing would only happen through the love of wanting to understand each others needs and understand why you are stronger together than apart. Why does your future look more exciting with your partner than on your own? Maybe it doesn’t!

The focus has to be on the pleasure of an exciting life together, if what came up for you were fears, dread or that no future could be seen then maybe it’s time to explore your relationship.

At the bottom of this post there is a quick test you can ask yourself to explore what’s happening for you. [Read more...]

Why doesn’t my husband understand me?

To be fair husbands can feel the same, it can be really frustrating for couples when they are doing all they can to get through to their partners and keep failing. It can feel that their partner really doesn’t care and if this is true then the future and love comes into question.

Most husbands do really love their wives, but they are stuck because they feel whatever they do doesn’t work, he feels powerless in the relationship as she gets stronger to cope with his percieved lack of care.

Your husband doesn’t understand you because he is not female, he wired totally differently to you. In essence men and women are designed by nature for totally different jobs and so automatically experience the world differently. [Read more...]

Have You Lost Sight of Your Future?

Many people experience problems such as stress, depression, constant relationship challenges and over time stop seeing a future for themselves and can no longer see a future with their partner.

This lack of vision is created by years of feeling stuck and unhappy. They go through a process of having to change who they are to cope with their relationship problems and their partners behaviours. Some feel they have detached from their true self not liking  who they have become.

This process of constant problems is actually changing them, because they are entering into a state of fear that their life is not going to be safe if their partner continues to behave this way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

She had an affair but years later it still tortures him… WHY!!?

“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…

It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.

This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]

Relationships: Getting Back to the Basics

There are some fundamental basics that when in place will make a significant difference to any relationship.

Relationships are a place to give. Anyone who enters a relationship to take what they need will find themselves in problems very fast. Some people do give, but they give so they can get back. This causes problems too because this is a trade and anyone who trades love will find they lose passion fast. A loss of passion is a big relationship killer.

So giving love unconditionally is critical, anyone choosing to not do this is creating an uncertain future and weakening the foundations of a relationship they want to keep. This happens because as the love comes and goes fear enters the couple bit-by-bit and this builds resentment. [Read more...]

Marriage & Sex: A Stranger had Woken the Passion in Her and it Shocked Her!

When we look at all the critical elements that relationships need, SEX is pretty high on the list. Sex can also be really challenging because the balance needed to create it and maintain it in relationship is very specific. Most couples are unaware of this balance and so problems begin to appear without them knowing.

Without sex any relationship is relegated to the status of friends, this status in the relationship will cause resentment on some level that can ultimately kill their relationship.

As you read through this post you will start to discover the biggest cause of sexual problems in relationships.

Lack of sex in a relationship is a major cause of relationship break ups! So if this is a problem for you and you want to keep your relationship you have to know two key things. [Read more...]

Could This Be Happening To You?

From time to time we can all have doubts that knock our confidence and this is normal. Sometimes our confidence can become so knocked that rebuilding our strength in our ability to create a wonderful future can feel almost impossible. Impossible to the point we feel stuck, paralysed in a life that can just feel wrong.

I want to share a true story of how someone can create an unwinnable life that keeps them paralyzed. So stuck they came to me for help…

This may not reflect what is specifically happening to you. What is important is you know if you are feeling challenged by life there are answers for you.

This lady was totally unaware of what was happening for her, but what she did know was her behaviours were destroying her life. [Read more...]

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?