“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.

They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.

The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.

The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…

On their wedding website they wrote:

Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.

In their own words…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.

We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way.  But we also got so much more than that.  We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.

We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.

I  highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce.  It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.

Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011

Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.

It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.

They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.

I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!

She is impossible to please

When you see as many couples as I do, you can’t help but see patterns emerge. She is impossible to please is one of the typical beliefs that men come into sessions with. It’s not true of course, but from his perspective it is AND HE HAS PROOF!

What usually happens is he has tried everything except what really works. He will use male logic to solve her situation and when he has exhausted every option and still fails he will give up, left with the feeling… “She is impossible to please” .

The reason he fails is simple and is why he can’t solve their problem, he is trying to please her from the perspective of  a man. She is not a man so his solutions will never work. If he were to put himself in her shoes he would notice a different world and a different solution.

So guys if you are having constant relationship problems, you are likely to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

The challenge she faces is: When he feels she is impossible to please this for him is one of the biggest sources of pain. It is proof that maybe he is not enough and maybe he will never get the love he needs. This could mean he gets weaker, he leaves, has an affair, bullies her and so on, none of which will work for her and the relationship will start to break down. If you have children they will be feeling the pain so please act quickly.

I have to help men understand what they have to do to be successful with her.

What I help him to learn is things like

  • How to understand her and what she means when she speaks
  • How to stop making her problems about him
  • How to understand her core need and fulfil his own at the same time
  • What has to happen for her to engage sexually
  • How to help her feel amazing about her and attach those feeling to him.
  • How to stop judging her.
  • How to look after her when she is in pain, even pain caused by him
  • How to help her create a future that she can get excited about.
  • How to give and love unconditionally

When a man learns how to serve and protect his partner in the way she needs, he will meet his own needs through giving to her. This will help him to feel great, plus she will feel wonderful and look for many ways to help him feel great too.

How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.

How To Meet Your Partners Needs

Yesterday we spoke about the “Number 1 reason why couples break up?” and what has to happen for the relationship to be successful again. The answer was to meet your partners needs!

Now I know many of you will have a belief that you have done all you can to meet your partners needs and he or she is impossible to please. The challenge everyone faces is that what you think their needs might be could be totally different from what they actually need.

So it’s not difficult to understand that unless you find out what you partner really needs your chances of failure are high.

Now every one is different, and I am going to put a guide to help you understand what is most likely to work.

When you read through this list I want you to notice your reaction to yourself. You may either not want to do this, or feel it is impossible because, maybe your partner has behaved so badly.

Just notice what you notice about you.

Meeting a Womans Basic Needs

  • A woman needs a man to be there for her emotionally and especially when she becomes upset. She needs love and understanding through any pain she feels inside. She can communicate her pain through criticism, swearing, putting him down. If a man can weather these times by listening, giving her love and his presence she will start to see a future that can be secure with him.
  • Find out what she loves from the big stuff down to the small stuff. If a man puts regular effort into keeping the relationship alive and exciting in the way she likes she will attach great feelings to him.
  • What actions or words, does she need to feel important? Every week he can discover how to make her know she is the most important person in the world to him.
  • She wants to be loved by her man and his mission is to discover what it is that helps her feel that love. Looking deep into her eyes with love in your heart for her will be a great start. She will need more, find out what that more is for her, she is unique and how she connects with it will be unique to her. Could be anything from a loving nickname to a smile.
  • She has a vision for her future, find out what it is create goals you can both get excited about and commit to helping her becoming the woman she wants to be in the life she wants to live.
  • Become selfless and give to her, but do it with no expectation of getting anything back. Give to her because you love her and want the best for her, don’t trade with her because, she will feel your needs are more important than hers.
  • If she feels his needs are more important than hers to him, she will feel unsafe in the relationship with him and problems will be on the horizon.

So the question now is this? Is this possible for you to give all the above to her? If it isn’t is now the time to understand why? Of course I’m always here to help those of you that want to learn more.

Tomorrow I will share with you a Mans Basic Needs.

As always please feel free to comment below.


7 Ways To Create A Better Relationship

We all want a better relationship so what has to happen for that to be a possibility. Let’s make the assumption that better equals lasting and passionate.

1. Get addicted to meeting your partners needs.

One of the biggest relationship killers is a persons needs not being met by the relationship. The couple will start to notice that the relationship no longer meets their needs and assume the relationship is the wrong one.

2. Live true to your own values.

Anyone who has the inability to live true to their own values will be in conflict with themselves. This changes that persons behaviours and stops them being the person they are designed to be. If you feel that you or your partner have changed in some way this can the reason.

3. Make sure you have the right polarity (+-) in your relationship.

Women can get very strong if they don’t get what they need from a relationship, this means the man will usually becomes weak, or he may bully especially when she gets upset. Neither is attractive and results in the woman disconnecting with her true self. This means that intimacy can become a problem in the relationship. The man will also start to feel he can never please his partner so he will either stay and get weaker (boy like) or he will leave the relationship to re-connect with his masculine self again.

4. Never make your partner wrong or judge them.

Nobody is qualified to judge anyone else, you would have to be that person to understand why they do what they do. YOU are the only person you are qualified to judge. So if you want to communicate anything, communicate how you feel when they act in ways you don’t like.

5. Never punish your partner.

One of the key goals in any relationship is to help your partner feel great about themselves and attach all those wonderful feelings to you. If you punish your partner what happens is they attach bad feeling to you and this over time takes it’s toll.

6. Create a future that exciting

Many couples seem to have no real plan for their future together, they may have plans for their careers, but the reason they are together gets lost. What is the purpose of your relationship? What is your own life purpose and passion?

7. We all want to be with amazing people and I know many of you are disappointed with your partner and your relationship.

If you want an amazing partner in your life then the best route to it, is to become an amazing partner yourself first. That amazing you will help you to no longer fear the world, and from that place you will be in a place to GIVE. GIVING is the life blood of any relationship. People that are fearful usually take from a relationship and so the relationship becomes one that trades to meet the needs of the individual.

This is not romantic, or loving in any way so it’s little wonder that trading relationships are not passionate. People who trade in relationships are disconnected to their own values because they fear something.

  • Please feel free to add your own thoughts to this list…

Testament to Life Coaching

OK I know initially I went  as I hoped to save my marriage.  Well it takes two to do that and my ex-husband wasn’t committed to doing so – the lure of the new woman was just too great!

Left with having to pick up the pieces of ‘me’ I’ve continued to see Stephen over the last 11 months, determined to get myself into a better state of mind.  I will readily admit there have been times when I’ve ‘fought’ Stephen with a passion, feeling and believing that I was right and he wrong!  I’ve had sessions cancelled by him as he wasn’t prepared to waste my money (for which I am grateful!).  I’ve argued with him and I’ve had moments of disliking the experience.  None of which sounds very positive!  But in hindsight 99% of these arguments have actually been with myself as I’ve battled to change how I view things, to take responsibility for me and to learn and understand how I can make things different for me. To learn and to realise that I needed to become my own best friend. [Read more...]

Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Why Do Men Cheat?

One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?

Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.

  • To make my position crystal clear: There are never any circumstances where having an affair is the right thing to do.

However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.

My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]

What is Love Really?

“Love” is a wonderful word with so many potential meanings, that can be combined with the hope of a future of connected happiness, harmony and passion with a significant someone who you believe has your best interests at heart. Not just your lover, but your best friend too.

So if a couple gets into trouble and the future looks very unstable how can the couple claim to still love each other?

Some couples in this situation may even say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you!” is that really possible or is that a smart get out clause.

What does this magical word “Love” really mean?

I remember being with a group of women who wanted to have a session to collectively ask me questions about relationships. [Read more...]

The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]

Why do a lot of people fail to get the life they want…

One of my biggest quests has been to understand the answer to that question. The answer to this question has helped me to help others create the happiness they deserve. After all if we could understand why people fail all we would have to do is do the reverse….Simple!

That sounds reasonable, in fact most people already know what to do, but on the whole they don’t do it.

For example:

  • Many people know smoking will kill them, but they continue anyway.
  • Many people over eat and even though they can see themselves getting fatter, but they keep eating.
  • Many people are struggling financially, they know what they have done so far has not worked, but they carry on doing it anyway.
  • Many people are very wealthy, they know that money is not fulfilling their happiness, but they carry on in a single minded quest for more cash, never feeling fulfilled. [Read more...]

Relationships hits trouble – Is the end the solution!?

When a relationship hits rocky ground and the future seems very uncertain. The couples natural reaction is to want to fight what they believe is causing the problem...

A lot of couples blame each other, so they assume that their compatibility is wrong and blame the relationship. They believe that this where their fight is, so they start the fight there. Seems logical of course, I’m not feeling good based on your behaviours so the reason we are in trouble is because of you, or we are just not a good fit.

Obvious solution, end the relationship!

That will get rid of the initial pain and open up the possibility of a far better future…however…

…It is likely that the relationship patterns will run again, and show up in the next relationship too. It’s not until individuals go through this a few times and a lot of pain, do they start to question what the real problem might be.

What if the fight is not the fault of the relationship…

…what if you think it’s the relationship and your wrong, who has to pay for that major error of judgement?

What if the behaviours in you, or your partner was driven from past events long before you met. This means it’s not the real you, or your partners’ true self, or your relationship that is the real problem! [Read more...]

What are you looking for in a relationship partner?

Are you looking for a relationship? Are you fed up of meeting the wrong people? Do you have a knack of attracting those who are committed to making your life a misery?

  • Do you want to know how to change this?

If so, this could be the article you have been waiting for?

Who is the perfect partner for you?

The question most people are asking is who do I want in my life? Who would be a good fit for me and where do I find them?

Just when it all seemed hopeless…

Thomas and his wife had good reason to assume their relationship was over. To the point where sitting and sharing the same room was a challenge for both of them. This is a typical example of how easy it is to get into trouble based on assumptions. With the right attention many couples can build trust and love back into the relationship and create a wonderful vison for the future again.

Thomas shares his thought’s…

My wife and I spent Christmas 2010 on different continents due to communication breakdown and suspicions of infidelity. Mutual resentments that had built up over time led to each of us seeking attention and reassurance from people outside our marriage. I was prepared to move out of our home after the new year, but my wife suggested that we try seeing Stephen Hedger. After browsing his website and emailing Stephen a few times, I agreed to see him for one session. [Read more...]

The most important lesson…

If you don’t have the life you want today, one of the most important things to change about you is your attitude. Change your attitude about your past and do it fast. If your past is anything other than a school of learnt experiences that you can grow from, then you are in for a tough ride in the future.

Yes your life may have been full of knocks, maybe you had poor parents, or no guidance, maybe your partner left you for someone else, maybe you lost your business, or you just feel unlucky…

What do you want to happen? Do you want the next 5 years to be the same as the last?

Tell me this what will you gain from thinking about how you have been wronged over and over again. Will this lead to your happiness? [Read more...]

How to get him back

Dear Stephen,

About a year ago, when I was still together with Paul, the man of my dreams, I was in repetitive phone contact with my ex boyfriend who wanted to be back together with me. I did not tell Paul anything about this contact as I did not want to disturb our new and fresh relationship.

Unfortunately Paul found out and did not handle the situation well at all. It turned into a nightmare and he accused me of wanting my ex back, accused me of cheating behind his back and got in contact with my ex to tell him off in a rude way. I am sure this kind of behaviour is due to problems in earlier relationships where his girlfriends had ‘really’ cheated on him. He became a very insecure man and now I did more or less the same to him.

The months that followed were full of accusations and hurt. We both hung in there, was our love so strong. But we never worked it out, up until today he was not able to let go of that situation and to move on from it. [Read more...]

One Amazing Lady & Her Journey – Unexpected Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are traumatic for everyone. What happens when the love runs so deep, that life starts to become second place. This is a story of a remarkable lady who worked with me to come out of her own personal hell to see the value of herself and regain her passion for her life all over again.

I will hand you over to her words below…

Last August I was in a dark and to be quite honest, scary place. Incredibly unhappy and feeling that life was never going to change. My husband of 17 years had suddenly walked out 18 months before. I hadn’t seen it coming at all and everything since had seemed totally surreal. My world had fallen apart and I felt totally lost. I spent most of the time in tears. I had lost the cheerful, optimistic side of me completely.

I don’t know what made me search for help again. I’d tried Counselling a year earlier, but just seemed to spend time discussing how I felt. I was too painfully aware of How I Felt – and why! [Read more...]

Which version of “YOU” is running your relationship?

Have you noticed that you have to change your behaviours as life conditions change. For example you are different at work than you are with friends and family, or you are different with children than you are with you partner.

All day and every day you are shifting into different versions of yourself without thinking. We all do this and with little thought to what it really means. The meanings are important for your future…

You have been doing this since childhood and so whatever life condition you were presented with as a child, this sets a template for how you will deal with certain life situations as they present themselves..

For Example: A child that has been “abused” in some way might have a desire to “escape”. Whenever life becomes difficult for them in the future they will run that pattern.

How they run the pattern is to shift into a fearful version of themselves, just like we all do all day every day with other versions of ourselves without thinking. In this fear version of themselves they will run the “escape” pattern and so they could run away, or become introverted or shut down.

To them this is totally normal, but to others and especially in relationships when the relationship presents them with problems, they are likely to run their learnt pattern.

The problem is this learnt pattern was created by a child to cope with their perception of the world and how life should be. As adults without knowing we run these patterns automatically, but due to the immaturity of the creator of the pattern these patterns never work as adults.

It’s like having a child running your life when life conditions get tough. Of course the result of the pattern is nearly always destructive. It can wreck lives, families and be passed as a pattern through generations.

Fear pattern can manifest themselves in many ways, you may become angry and become loud to cope. You may turn to people pleasing that disrespects you, some turn to substances.

Whatever coping mechanism you use, when you or your partner go into fear, you can be sure it was learnt, it and it will feel as natural as breathing.

Is your partner destroying your relationship, they used to be wonderful, but today something has changed? Are you noticing that you have change and behave in ways that confuse you.

Maybe you are having affairs and don’t understand why.

These all create behaviours that can create depression and breakdowns as we start to reject ourselves not knowing that it is only one part of ourselves that has created the problem yet we reject every part even the wonderful parts of us leading us into despair.

Many couples divorce because of these patterns as both people go into fear states when they feel that something is wrong, or they can’t see a future together. This perspective is an illusion based on the parrten and is why those that do split or divorce then live to regret it. It is why so many second marriages end in divorce fast as the pattern is now on read alert from the first failed marriage.

  • Most of the time the relationship is not the problem the pattern is the culprit.

I run self discovery sessions for individuals and couples to understand what is really going on and how to cope with it. For more information please click here.

How to get what you want…

This is important for you: The key to getting everything you want from relationships, to stuff, to life is down to a few key elements. No matter what you want out of life I’m going to share with you the formula for creating successful futures.

All you have to do is follow this:

  • Understand what you want and why you want it in detail. Many people create ill formed goals and so set themselves up for failure.
  • Understand who you have to be to make that goal a possibility. In other words with your goal in mind what sort of behaviours and thoughts are most likely to get it.
  • With the correct “state” in place and your “goal(s)” defined in detail, the next step is to define the key steps you need to make your goal a possibility.
  • With everything now set for success, all you have to do is take massive action and be persistent, and disciplined every day. When you practice all this every day your chances for success are increased thousand fold.

So will you get what you want now? NO! Not always…

The difference between calculated guessing and true greatness is the ability to be so sure of your goals that even when you fail you take that failure as feedback, learn from your mistakes and redefine the steps and start again.

  • The key to achieving true greatness and success is to make more mistakes faster than anyone else, you will eventually run out of ways to do it wrong.

So as you can see if making mistakes is one of the keys to success, and most people are afraid to make mistakes, you can see why so many people fail to realise their dreams.

Ego’s, fears and limiting beliefs plus ill defined goals all equal a lack of power to control your future and create mediocre lives.

Is that what you want? Or do you want more?

If you do please get in touch today