Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

Relationship Lessons: The School Of Hard Knocks!

When relationships go wrong, life is not forgiving at all. Speaking to one of my clients recently I could hear the desperation as he shared his fears. He loves his wife and children with all his heart, but he knew it was possible that he was about to lose them all, plus the house he loved. He then bitterly told me that he could see that he would be working everyday to paying for them all to have a great life without him.

His resentment was huge, so his motivation to put the relationship right became his number one mission.

My concern for him was, is it too little too late for his wife? Most couples come to sessions far to late! Mind you I can’t blame them with the amount of horror stories around about couples counsellors.

  • This is why my service is designed to be very different [Read more...]

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

I have created a FREE ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COURSE. For seven days you will receive more advice on how to successfully build a lasting passionate relationship.

  • Thank you for reading and please free to sign-up below to claim your copy.

Don’t forget to share this with your friends…

Divorce Advice: Is a divorce the right solution?

I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?

Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?

How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?

I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…

Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?

When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…

…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.

So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.

When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.

This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.

The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.

So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.

What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.

What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?

My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.

Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Nature Never Designed Us To Live In A Box!

Nature brilliantly designed us to have chemical explosions inside us when we meet someone we are attracted to, but nature never designed us to live together for life in a box (we call home).

Natures primary concerned is with survival and growth.

So if we are not designed to live in a box together then we must need some other resource to make it possible to keep the love and passion alive.

To grow a relationship you need skill

You need skill to make a relationship last and stay passionate. You see if you are under the illusion that the power nature used to attract you to your partner will also keep the relationship and passion alive forever you will be disappointed.

For a relationship to work it takes real skill and understanding.

Without this skill couples all across the UK and the world live together in fear.

  • That life is not going to be the way they thought it would be
  • That their partner may leave them
  • That they won’t be loved
  • They might not be enough in some way

There are a few key things that if the couple focus their energy on these areas their chances of a successful journey together is significantly magnified.

Just imagine if you lived your whole life never getting the relationship you deserved and all you were missing were some key pieces of information. The information that society and parents don’t teach the critical information that is lacking in the marriages that end in divorce.

I teach couples the skills they need to keep their relationship alive

No matter what stage of the relationship process you are in getting this step-by-step information is critical.

  • You could be just starting out looking for love
  • You could be about to get married
  • You could be newly married
  • Together for a while and things have become a little stale
  • Maybe your passion has died and you want it back
  • It couple be you are secretly planning your escape
  • Maybe your arguments/problems are so bad you can’t see a future together
  • Are you separated and you now feel lost
  • Maybe divorce is now on your mind, you don’t want it, but you can’t see any other way
  • Maybe you are divorced and finding love again seems daunting.

Whatever stage you are in it is never too late to learn the skills for creating a successful journey through life together.

You see when things go wrong the best key to success is the knowledge of how to create growth at the point of conflict.

  • If you are in need of help to move your relationship or life to the next level, or you are not willing to settle for just existing together, get in touch today!

How to mend a broken heart?

Those suffering from relationship heart break will experience emotional and physical pain through the trauma of losing someone they loved, through them leaving and chosing a new life.  The victims will run questions over and over in their minds searching for a solution to their pain.

Why did it happen, What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? They promised to be with me forever? How could I have not noticed? I must be a failure? I’m a bad partner? He or she tricked me? How could I be so stupid? I should have done more….! This list of torment goes on and on.

Individuals get taken over with feelings ranging from worthlessness to anger, from humiliation to feeling unlovable from abandonment, rejection to deep depression and some to suicidal thoughts.

Both men and women can have a desire more emotionally powerful than almost any other to find away to get their partner back.

Some know that getting their partner back is impossible, or they have no desire to go down that road again, however they still have feelings of love for them yet no where to put those feelings.

Some just feel stuck not knowing what they want all they know is they are experiencing a hurt they never want to experience again.

So how do you heal a broken heart?

How to you mend the heart of someone who is in so much pain? Some just get active, they make life changes, some block their emotions, some get another partner fast.

What I find that works best is understanding the truth, or getting as close as we can to it.

The purpose is to put the person back in control of their life and their emotions. The experiencing feeling out of control and this is very frightening and if not understood can emotionally block that person for years to come.

Once the person has understood their role in their relationship break up then the job is to build their confidence in themselves by teaching them how they work and how they can take control of themselves and their future lives.

This process is very powerful because they not only understand how they work but they understand what to look for in future partners.

They learn how to communicate with themselves in new ways and this empowers them to see the world and how others behave in new ways.

A broken heart can be mended and the person can learn the right way to heal themselves step-by-step.

No one is out of control they just feel they are because life, parents and society has not taught them how. This doesn’t mean it’s not possible it means that education is needed.

It’s like living with a boy and I want a man?

We all have a past and that past has created us to be who we are today. We use our past to learn how to live. We model our parents so we know how to react when life feels wrong, or someone has treated us badly. We learn from our parents how relationships work. We model not just them, but all those around us as we grow.

So as an adult now, were those models the right ones for you? Were your partners models the right ones?

  • You only have to look at your life now to know the answer.

I see so many people who have pasts that have helped them to create coping patterns, beliefs and ways to live that make it impossible for a growth orientated relationship to flourish.

The couple just exist, in a box they call home.

There seems to big a big dilemma over the question, has my past affected me, the answer is yes! It’s how you learnt to live and keep yourself safe. Have a think now, when life doesn’t feel good to you, and you think about what you do in that moment, who do you think you copied? Was it mum or dad? Who does your partner copy?

Some people tell themselves stories that keep them stuck, some people have beliefs that they are no good enough, or they are not worthy of love.

It’s almost like they cast a spell on themselves and it’s based on something that happened to them in the past.

These coping patterns, these stories, these limiting beliefs about who you are? Are they really true?

Some women find themselves living with a man, but he feels like a boy to her? She loves him, but her attraction for him has gone. Some men find themselves living with a woman they feel they can’t please?

Where has a man learnt how to be so needy and child like? Where has that woman learn that punishment and withholding love is her answer to more love?

Simple behaviours done in the wrong way could just be destroying the very thing you want to keep?

Is this where you are? Do you not feel safe in your relationship when you try to imagine your future?

Is your past going to be a mirror for your future or are you going to take control and make a change now!

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.

They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.

The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.

The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…

On their wedding website they wrote:

Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.

In their own words…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.

We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way.  But we also got so much more than that.  We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.

We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.

I  highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce.  It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.

Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011

Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.

It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.

They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.

I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!

She is impossible to please

When you see as many couples as I do, you can’t help but see patterns emerge. She is impossible to please is one of the typical beliefs that men come into sessions with. It’s not true of course, but from his perspective it is AND HE HAS PROOF!

What usually happens is he has tried everything except what really works. He will use male logic to solve her situation and when he has exhausted every option and still fails he will give up, left with the feeling… “She is impossible to please” .

The reason he fails is simple and is why he can’t solve their problem, he is trying to please her from the perspective of  a man. She is not a man so his solutions will never work. If he were to put himself in her shoes he would notice a different world and a different solution.

So guys if you are having constant relationship problems, you are likely to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

The challenge she faces is: When he feels she is impossible to please this for him is one of the biggest sources of pain. It is proof that maybe he is not enough and maybe he will never get the love he needs. This could mean he gets weaker, he leaves, has an affair, bullies her and so on, none of which will work for her and the relationship will start to break down. If you have children they will be feeling the pain so please act quickly.

I have to help men understand what they have to do to be successful with her.

What I help him to learn is things like

  • How to understand her and what she means when she speaks
  • How to stop making her problems about him
  • How to understand her core need and fulfil his own at the same time
  • What has to happen for her to engage sexually
  • How to help her feel amazing about her and attach those feeling to him.
  • How to stop judging her.
  • How to look after her when she is in pain, even pain caused by him
  • How to help her create a future that she can get excited about.
  • How to give and love unconditionally

When a man learns how to serve and protect his partner in the way she needs, he will meet his own needs through giving to her. This will help him to feel great, plus she will feel wonderful and look for many ways to help him feel great too.

How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.

How To Meet Your Partners Needs

Yesterday we spoke about the “Number 1 reason why couples break up?” and what has to happen for the relationship to be successful again. The answer was to meet your partners needs!

Now I know many of you will have a belief that you have done all you can to meet your partners needs and he or she is impossible to please. The challenge everyone faces is that what you think their needs might be could be totally different from what they actually need.

So it’s not difficult to understand that unless you find out what you partner really needs your chances of failure are high.

Now every one is different, and I am going to put a guide to help you understand what is most likely to work.

When you read through this list I want you to notice your reaction to yourself. You may either not want to do this, or feel it is impossible because, maybe your partner has behaved so badly.

Just notice what you notice about you.

Meeting a Womans Basic Needs

  • A woman needs a man to be there for her emotionally and especially when she becomes upset. She needs love and understanding through any pain she feels inside. She can communicate her pain through criticism, swearing, putting him down. If a man can weather these times by listening, giving her love and his presence she will start to see a future that can be secure with him.
  • Find out what she loves from the big stuff down to the small stuff. If a man puts regular effort into keeping the relationship alive and exciting in the way she likes she will attach great feelings to him.
  • What actions or words, does she need to feel important? Every week he can discover how to make her know she is the most important person in the world to him.
  • She wants to be loved by her man and his mission is to discover what it is that helps her feel that love. Looking deep into her eyes with love in your heart for her will be a great start. She will need more, find out what that more is for her, she is unique and how she connects with it will be unique to her. Could be anything from a loving nickname to a smile.
  • She has a vision for her future, find out what it is create goals you can both get excited about and commit to helping her becoming the woman she wants to be in the life she wants to live.
  • Become selfless and give to her, but do it with no expectation of getting anything back. Give to her because you love her and want the best for her, don’t trade with her because, she will feel your needs are more important than hers.
  • If she feels his needs are more important than hers to him, she will feel unsafe in the relationship with him and problems will be on the horizon.

So the question now is this? Is this possible for you to give all the above to her? If it isn’t is now the time to understand why? Of course I’m always here to help those of you that want to learn more.

Tomorrow I will share with you a Mans Basic Needs.

As always please feel free to comment below.


7 Ways To Create A Better Relationship

We all want a better relationship so what has to happen for that to be a possibility. Let’s make the assumption that better equals lasting and passionate.

1. Get addicted to meeting your partners needs.

One of the biggest relationship killers is a persons needs not being met by the relationship. The couple will start to notice that the relationship no longer meets their needs and assume the relationship is the wrong one.

2. Live true to your own values.

Anyone who has the inability to live true to their own values will be in conflict with themselves. This changes that persons behaviours and stops them being the person they are designed to be. If you feel that you or your partner have changed in some way this can the reason.

3. Make sure you have the right polarity (+-) in your relationship.

Women can get very strong if they don’t get what they need from a relationship, this means the man will usually becomes weak, or he may bully especially when she gets upset. Neither is attractive and results in the woman disconnecting with her true self. This means that intimacy can become a problem in the relationship. The man will also start to feel he can never please his partner so he will either stay and get weaker (boy like) or he will leave the relationship to re-connect with his masculine self again.

4. Never make your partner wrong or judge them.

Nobody is qualified to judge anyone else, you would have to be that person to understand why they do what they do. YOU are the only person you are qualified to judge. So if you want to communicate anything, communicate how you feel when they act in ways you don’t like.

5. Never punish your partner.

One of the key goals in any relationship is to help your partner feel great about themselves and attach all those wonderful feelings to you. If you punish your partner what happens is they attach bad feeling to you and this over time takes it’s toll.

6. Create a future that exciting

Many couples seem to have no real plan for their future together, they may have plans for their careers, but the reason they are together gets lost. What is the purpose of your relationship? What is your own life purpose and passion?

7. We all want to be with amazing people and I know many of you are disappointed with your partner and your relationship.

If you want an amazing partner in your life then the best route to it, is to become an amazing partner yourself first. That amazing you will help you to no longer fear the world, and from that place you will be in a place to GIVE. GIVING is the life blood of any relationship. People that are fearful usually take from a relationship and so the relationship becomes one that trades to meet the needs of the individual.

This is not romantic, or loving in any way so it’s little wonder that trading relationships are not passionate. People who trade in relationships are disconnected to their own values because they fear something.

  • Please feel free to add your own thoughts to this list…

Testament to Life Coaching

OK I know initially I went  as I hoped to save my marriage.  Well it takes two to do that and my ex-husband wasn’t committed to doing so – the lure of the new woman was just too great!

Left with having to pick up the pieces of ‘me’ I’ve continued to see Stephen over the last 11 months, determined to get myself into a better state of mind.  I will readily admit there have been times when I’ve ‘fought’ Stephen with a passion, feeling and believing that I was right and he wrong!  I’ve had sessions cancelled by him as he wasn’t prepared to waste my money (for which I am grateful!).  I’ve argued with him and I’ve had moments of disliking the experience.  None of which sounds very positive!  But in hindsight 99% of these arguments have actually been with myself as I’ve battled to change how I view things, to take responsibility for me and to learn and understand how I can make things different for me. To learn and to realise that I needed to become my own best friend. [Read more...]

Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Why Do Men Cheat?

One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?

Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.

  • To make my position crystal clear: There are never any circumstances where having an affair is the right thing to do.

However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.

My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]

What is Love Really?

“Love” is a wonderful word with so many potential meanings, that can be combined with the hope of a future of connected happiness, harmony and passion with a significant someone who you believe has your best interests at heart. Not just your lover, but your best friend too.

So if a couple gets into trouble and the future looks very unstable how can the couple claim to still love each other?

Some couples in this situation may even say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you!” is that really possible or is that a smart get out clause.

What does this magical word “Love” really mean?

I remember being with a group of women who wanted to have a session to collectively ask me questions about relationships. [Read more...]

The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]

Why do a lot of people fail to get the life they want…

One of my biggest quests has been to understand the answer to that question. The answer to this question has helped me to help others create the happiness they deserve. After all if we could understand why people fail all we would have to do is do the reverse….Simple!

That sounds reasonable, in fact most people already know what to do, but on the whole they don’t do it.

For example:

  • Many people know smoking will kill them, but they continue anyway.
  • Many people over eat and even though they can see themselves getting fatter, but they keep eating.
  • Many people are struggling financially, they know what they have done so far has not worked, but they carry on doing it anyway.
  • Many people are very wealthy, they know that money is not fulfilling their happiness, but they carry on in a single minded quest for more cash, never feeling fulfilled. [Read more...]