What Happened To Our Playful Passion?

When couples experience challenges in their relationship one of the first things to die is their intimacy and with it goes the fun and the playful passionate side of their relationship.

Is this where you are? If it is, then you will have a strong feeling that life is not how it is meant to be. You know things have to change, but maybe you’re stuck not knowing what to change.

In my session I see couples in trouble every day and what I consistently see is their spark has gone, there is little fun or joy in the relationship. Life has become very serious and the only place to get any kind of joy or fun is now outside of the relationship with friends family or at work.

Intimacy is the difference between being just good friends or lovers. If you are in a relationship then being just good friends is not going to be enough. So the goal has to be to get the intimacy back and for that to happen the playful passion has to be there.

The hurdles to getting the playful passion back

There are two key things that have to happen if you are going to get you relationship back on track.

The first is understanding

When the individuals in the relationship don’t feel understood then they start to feel fear in the relationship. Both men and women can feel this, but for totally different reasons.

Fundamentally men and women communicate differently and so the translation of each others words can be totally different to what was intended.

Men and women also experience the world differently too, we are designed for totally different things so our perspectives are different.

So with so many differences in gender combined with totally different histories is not difficult to understand why couple fail to understand each other.

So the goal is to understand each other and to do it without judgement, a lot of couple have the misconception they are qualified to judged each other, of course they are not.

The second key element is meeting each other needs

In every session I have with couples when the needs are not being met in the relationship the relationship will have stopped growing and will be dying on some level.

Of course if the couple don’t understand each other (the first step) then the desire to meet each others needs st0ps being important. If the desire to meet each other needs goes, now the individuals stop seeing each other as a source of pleasure and are in the process of seeing each other as a source of pain.

This puts a serious spin on the relationship and fear is now the focus, a far cry from the playful passion we are all after.

So now the problem is escalating and moving the couple away from the playful passion they once shared.

Without the understanding the couple needs to feel safe with each other, combined with the lack of desire the couple now feels to meet each others needs, resentment is now sat in the relationship.

If that resentment stays for too long it will turn into a lack of respect and from here the relationship is vulnerable to many destructive paths.

Now you understand the path to success and the importance of getting this right, what are you going to do? Wait for your relationship to die or are you going to take control?

Remember when you act understand what you are trying to achieve and what feelings are you wanting your partner to attach to you?

Punishing and making your partner wrong will help them to move further away from you.

Just maybe they are as fearful as you, maybe they too have good intentions, but are just lost with how to make this work just like you.

If you need my help you know what to do…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.

They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.

The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.

The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…

On their wedding website they wrote:

Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.

In their own words…

“We went to Stephen for pre-marital coaching…”

The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.

We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way.  But we also got so much more than that.  We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.

We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.

I  highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce.  It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.

Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011

Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.

It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.

They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.

I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!

What are your relationship goals?

From married to dating it is critical that you create goals for your relationship to keep your relationship alive and full of passion.

Giving is one of the biggest goals you can contribute to your relationship. A lot of people in relationships are only interested in what they can get from their relationship and when they don’t think they are getting much, giving seems like the last thing they want to do.

So they withhold the giving as a punishment. Of course if someone does us a wrong we punish them! Wrong! Especially in relationships. Whenever has anyone felt more love after being punished. If you punish your partner you hurt your relationship and yourself.

The biggest goal is really very simple… [Read more...]

Listen To The Alarms They Are There To Protect You!

Too many people ignore the alarms in their relationship and within themselves and end up heading for the rocks. With the right focus this can be avoided but whatever you do, doing nothing is not a good choice and i’ll explain why…

Your mind and body is constantly working to ensure your survival. The problem is most people see the alarm as the problems and try to shut them down.

This is why individuals and couples find themselves in so much trouble.

For example: Arguments: The arguments are the signal (alarm) that something has to change, we can work together to stop the arguments, but the real issue that created the alarm will still be there.

This is why couples end up going round in circles.

Whatever your presenting problem, or alarm you can be 99% sure that that is not the real problem.

Example: I remember being told about advice a counsellor gave to one of my clients. The husband had complained about his wife dramatically over reacting and arguing with him. So the diagnosis was she had anger management issues, his wife believed the diagnosis and became depressed because she had to suppress her true feelings. [Read more...]

Relationship Problems Explained

I have many couples and individuals come to me when life doesn’t feel how they had hoped. They share with me feelings of not being themselves, disconnected in some way.

From this place everything seems worse, they create a fear that life may not be the same again, this serves to create more fear.

This fear is normal within individuals no matter what situation they find themselves in. From victims of affairs, to those on the receiving end of a break-up all feel that fear, but in any relationship situation that does not feel right, that fear can feel very real and scary.

Those that find themselves in this place are usually after two key things, they want to feel “significant” and they want to feel “secure”. [Read more...]

Just when it all seemed hopeless…

Thomas and his wife had good reason to assume their relationship was over. To the point where sitting and sharing the same room was a challenge for both of them. This is a typical example of how easy it is to get into trouble based on assumptions. With the right attention many couples can build trust and love back into the relationship and create a wonderful vison for the future again.

Thomas shares his thought’s…

My wife and I spent Christmas 2010 on different continents due to communication breakdown and suspicions of infidelity. Mutual resentments that had built up over time led to each of us seeking attention and reassurance from people outside our marriage. I was prepared to move out of our home after the new year, but my wife suggested that we try seeing Stephen Hedger. After browsing his website and emailing Stephen a few times, I agreed to see him for one session. [Read more...]

The Secret To The Life You Want

What you are about to read may sound obvious, but take heed, a lot of what you say you know and you should do, you probably don’t. So knowledge is really only powerful if you then decide to use it. Plus beware of the sting in the tail if you get this wrong…

Now I know that only 10% of you will actually do this and only 3-5% will actually follow through, why this happens no one knows just decide quickly if you are going to be in the 3% or the 97%.

Step one: Decide what you really want, discover what would make your life just the way it should be. Great relationship, money, career, adventures, stuff what would you really like your life to be like?

This is where the 90% give up, they think what they want is not possible, if that’s you, fair enough.

Get your wife or husband boy friend, girl friend involved, get the family involved give yourself permission to create the possibility of living an exciting exceptional life. After all it won’t happen unless you create it.

Step two: Decide what you want, and write it down

This critical because the goal becomes more powerful, plus as time passes and your goals change you can see how many of your goals you have achieved and how as you learn more about yourself and life how those goals change.

Step three: Keep your lists.

The bitter and the sweet

Many of us have a goal of becoming wealthy and the term millionaire tends to sum of this goal.

This is where the 90% will now stop reading:

The Goals: Why not create a goal to become a millionaire, or a wonderful partner, why not both?

What’s important is not what you’ll get if you do this, what important is who you’ll have to become to be able to achieve those goals.

If the money isn’t important give it to a charity,

  • “The importance of life is not what you get it’s who you become.”

What are you becoming today?

Set the goal that will make something of you, when you achieve them.

Challenge yourself don’t be afraid of the pressure, stop doing what’s easy, grow that muscle that will help you create a life. The 97% live an existence unaware of what really happening, look around you at the ground hog day people who have lowered their standards through fear of not getting what they want. Is this really who you want to become?

If you don’t think you need much, then of course you don’t need to become much, some of you maybe happy not becoming much, it’s your life and your choice… BUT…!

Don’t sell out, on your values in your quest for poor goals, or no goals at all, because that will go against all you believe in, you will be the creator of your own life disasters.

An unhappy life is a result of you doing less than you are capable of and the reason this is possible is a lack of discipline, poor focus and poor goals.

Just beware of what you become in pursuit of what you think you want.

Relationship coaching starts with helping individuals understand who the core them really is and helping them understand what life they were designed to live.

Only when an individual gets this, do they start to attract all they desire.

Beware of your fears because whatever they are, they have become your goals, because whatever you focus on you’ll get.

Please choose wisely…

Are You Stuck In Your Old Story?

A young lady came to me this week stuck in her past, she had become depressed because she couldn’t get over how she had been treated by her ex. He had left her for another woman and with no money. Her ex was still with the same woman 2.5 years later and was living a wonderful life and now planning a family.

Meanwhile she was stuck depressed and full of resentment for how he treated her, she wanted to forget him, but felt that she couldn’t.

She was so traumatised by what had happened she had stayed stuck for 2.5 years. Fed up of life always feeling so bad she called me. [Read more...]

How to get what you want…

This is important for you: The key to getting everything you want from relationships, to stuff, to life is down to a few key elements. No matter what you want out of life I’m going to share with you the formula for creating successful futures.

All you have to do is follow this:

  • Understand what you want and why you want it in detail. Many people create ill formed goals and so set themselves up for failure.
  • Understand who you have to be to make that goal a possibility. In other words with your goal in mind what sort of behaviours and thoughts are most likely to get it.
  • With the correct “state” in place and your “goal(s)” defined in detail, the next step is to define the key steps you need to make your goal a possibility.
  • With everything now set for success, all you have to do is take massive action and be persistent, and disciplined every day. When you practice all this every day your chances for success are increased thousand fold.

So will you get what you want now? NO! Not always…

The difference between calculated guessing and true greatness is the ability to be so sure of your goals that even when you fail you take that failure as feedback, learn from your mistakes and redefine the steps and start again.

  • The key to achieving true greatness and success is to make more mistakes faster than anyone else, you will eventually run out of ways to do it wrong.

So as you can see if making mistakes is one of the keys to success, and most people are afraid to make mistakes, you can see why so many people fail to realise their dreams.

Ego’s, fears and limiting beliefs plus ill defined goals all equal a lack of power to control your future and create mediocre lives.

Is that what you want? Or do you want more?

If you do please get in touch today

Classic Relationship Goal For Success

If we want to be successful in our relationships, what goals do we need to focus on?

This answer is really very simple, your goal is to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you.

This is a very simple principal.

If your partner feels bad about themselves when they are around you, what happens is they attach those bad feeling to you and they then have to fight a need to get away from you.

If you help them to feel worse then they start to loose the will to fight and now they have a desire to run away from you.

Help your partner feel amazing, valued, loved, secure, significant by constantly giving them all then need and watch your relationship transform.

You did this when you were dating it worked then, so have a think, you stopped practicing this and now the relationships not as good as it was back then.

After all you say you love them so why not, put actions to your words and prove it’s true.

Relationship Coaching: With Stephen Hedger

Many of my clients come to me with a goal of what they would like to achieve.

Whilst I do help them to achieve their goals sometimes their specific goal could lead them into disaster, maybe to false hope, or failure which just adds insult to injury.

My job as a relationship coach is to re-define their goals so they are achievable.

For example, many clients want to get old relationships back. They want to understand why their relationships have failed and what can they do to get the relationships back.

Other clients come to me as couples not understanding why they are going round in circles.

My first task is usually to help clients go for goals such as happiness first. There are many reason why I take clients down this road.

The first is because getting clients on the verge, or in depression out of their land of despair into a confident and successful place where life is full of opportunity and fun is a great re-focus for those tormented by their loss of the life they really wanted.

The second is because if their goal is to get an old relationship back or their current one back on track, presenting a depressed person as a potential life partner is never very successful.

Present a person who is magnetic to success, life and lives life true to who they really are, now that’s a different story.

It really does not matter what stage of a relationship you are in, becoming the person you want to be is critical to attracting all you desire from your life, including your partner.

What many couples fail to recognise is that despite being together for years they still have to market themselves to attract their partners, but usually they become lazy and fearful.

As a relationship coach I help individual build amazing relationships with themselves first. When individuals connect with their true selves it’s like a light has gone on and life can be seen as an adventure once more, but this time from a place of honesty and this time without the fears.

A relationships coaches job is not to fix relationships. The coaches job is to help individual build amazing relationships with themselves so they can present an honest exciting version of themselves to their partners.

From this place, growth, lasting passion is possible and a relationship coach can show clients the way to support each other to a shared vision/journey through life.

This Is For You…

When you consider the life you really want to have, the relationships, your career, your friends, houses, cars, holidays, money what springs to mind?

As humans we always have to grow in every area of our lives, because if we are not growing we are dying. So if you consider that to be happy, every part of your life has to grow, or it will become stale and die, you really have no choice, but to decide to take action or to not.

So what has to happen for each area of your life to be ok for you?

This is the point when people become scared to dream because they are afraid to want something just in case they don’t get it. So they limit, or down play their true potential.

  • The reason this happen is because they ask the wrong questions

The real question is what sort of person do I have to become for my dream life to be a possibility? When someone considers what they have to change about themselves to get the life they desire i.e. become more confident, more knowledgeable, more valuable, more courageous, this focuses them to a different place of growth for them, rather than a big impossible mountain to climb.

Successful people in this world start off practicing being the type of people who have money, who have amazing relationships, who have powerful careers long before they ever got to their goal. If they had practised being poor, or lacking in confidence they never would have had any success.

So when you consider the life you would really like, what sort of person do you have to be become today?

To understand how to create this new you, you must understand how behaviours are generated and how if you decide on a life direction you will end up being fulfilled and happy.

There is one clear way of achieving this and that is by understanding how you work and the real power you have to influence yourself and the world around you, if only you could free yourself from your fears of not being enough.

If you want freedom to be the person you really want to be, in the life you really want to live, then understanding you is your first step.

  • I run one-on-one courses to help individuals discover who they have to be. If you are interested please let me know. Click here

Why Relationships Stop Growing & Start Dying

What has to happen for anything to grow? It needs some kind of action towards a goal. If it does not get what it needs to grow the result is, it has to die! Everything on earth works this way including relationships. So make sure that what you are doing does not stop growth, because you may live to regret it.

Every relationship is very different so each person requires different specific actions to enable growth. More importantly the relationships growth has to please both people, and help them to feel they are also growing as individuals within the relationship.

So the direction the relationship is heading in is critical.

If the relationship has no goal, it then becomes directionless and this means the relationship is lost and starts to lose it’s reason for being. When this happens the couple start to notice something is wrong and they go in search of problems.

The amount of couples that decide to commit whole lives to each other with no plan for themselves, or their relationship, other than love in the moment is staggering and is a key factor in divorce.

So what happens is each person in the couple has a very loose vision of how their lives should be. They don’t communicate that vision in real terms until they start to feel bad and feel that something is not quite right.

Both people in the relationship will have a totally different vision of how life should be. The bigger the gap the more uncomfortable they will be with their current direction and therefore each other.

Lack of vision causes relationship break-ups

As you can see a lack of communication and a lack of vision, never expressed in real terms causes massive problems. If the couple do not create a series of exciting goals the relationship will feel dead and this will create distance and a feeling that they are in the wrong life with the wrong person.

Getting married buying a house having kids are all great goals, but what comes next. Unless you plan to have an exciting rich life you will never have one, both individually and together.

If you don’t plan a clear direction the world or others will take over, and one day you will wake up look around you and think how did I get here and say…

“THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE SHOULD BE!”

At that moment you have one person to blame! YOU! …Take charge of your own future, life and relationship today!

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.

Grown Men Have Cried When They Discovered This…

I have had so many instances with my clients that when I explain in detail how and why their values are the key to a happy life for them, they breakdown in total disbelief that they have lived their lives all this time without knowing this life changing and critical information.

Grown men have cried, women have put their head in their hands, some have become angry, some look back with regret of how their lives could have been different if they had really understood this back before their problems really started.

  • So many powerful reactions to this silent wonder that sits within us without us knowing.

See the thing is, when I talk to people about values they usually say yes they understand them, and that they have great values for life.

I then I discover that what they think they understand is far from reality, and so they actually have no idea, not only of what a value really is, but how to use them to get the lives they really want.

I remember the day so clearly day when I understood this and suddenly my life just seemed to snap into sharp focus. I discovered that my values were the key to the life I wanted.

  • The challenge that everyone faces is to understand them and persistently meet your values every day.

Because if you understand the values that are needed to be the person you have always wanted to be, and you meet those values every day you cannot fail in being happy and true to you.

The rules of values

Anyone that is unhappy is NOT living by their values. Understanding your values and how to meet them is the pathway to your emotions.

  • THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: If you meet your values you will be happy, if you don’t you will be unhappy.

Understanding this changes everything because the way we live our lives is with a goal to be happy.

For example people go in search of many ways to be happy.

A woman may go in search of a dress to be happy. She believes the dress will make her happy. In the moment the dress does make her happy, but it does not last for long and so she has to repeat the process to be happy again.

What she has not understood is that the process of buying the dress has given her emotions. It’s the emotions she is after that she gets when she buys the dress, but she thinks it’s the dress she wants, this is her illusion.

She may feel more confident, powerful, in control, significant, attractive…etc When she feels anyone of these things many of her values are being met, but it’s likely she has no idea which one’s, all she knows is she feels happy and this is the route to it.

  • What if she understood how to meet all those emotions through her values without buying anything? What would happen is she could find way to gain lasting happiness that is not conditional on stuff or in this case a dress.

Another example

Many people value money so highly that they spend their lives on a quest to get as much as they can, only to ask this question “… I now have everything I could possibly want, why am I still unhappy?”

Imagine spending your life on a quest and achieving that goal only to discover that what you went for didn’t make you happy.

This is why so many very rich people end up in therapy, they are lost and confused and now exhausted.

  • These people did not understand the power of creating values for lasting happiness.

Now imagine how your relationship would be different, if you understood how to be happy through your values no matter what. Imagine if you could communicate those values to your partner so he or she knew without doubt how to make you happy and you did the same for them.

Then the route to relationship success can be yours in every part of your life.

  • If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch.

Remember this: Knowledge is only power if you persistently apply that knowledge.

Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

What Is Your Perfect Relationship?

When I ask couples what is your perfect relationship? The couple usually struggle to tell me. The woman may say I want to be loved unconditionally, and feel secure. The man will usually struggles, and says what he thinks his partner wants to hear.

If a business was run this way it would fail…

If you don’t define the goals of your relationship together then the relationship has no direction, no purpose and no reason for existing.

The truth is most couples want to have what they perceive to be a perfect relationship when they start out, yet when challenged have no idea what that really means.

So in translation the couple becomes upset that they have not achieved a relationship goal that neither of them can agree on or define.

Does this makes sense in anyone’s world? Of course not, but most couples do it.

Unless you have defined what you both want your future to be like, you could be putting your relationship at risk. The reason is because the mind will try to fill in the blanks that couple have neglected to create.

So what happens is the mind will create two futures, his and hers, these will be different and so when the future does not equal what the perceptions are, one or both people in the couple become unsettled or unhappy.

The needs I spoke about in the last post will create the values we all wants such as security, love, respect, gratitude, adventure, fun, trust etc…

The values/needs that have to be met are unique to each individual within a couple. So what future together will ensure that each of their critical needs/values are consistently met that still equals growth of the relationship.

Not understanding this will help any couple to be lost without knowing, until one day one of their critical values that is missing will help them to feel miserable and so they will want to leave the relationship or go elsewhere to have that value met.

Lets say the value that’s missing is adventure or fun. If you have worked tirelessly together to create a money for the future and that’s all you have done, you will feel financially secure, but this won’t equal happiness for you. You could feel bored and feel insecure that the relationship will never make you happy.

Know this, if you are unhappy in your relationship it’s because your needs/values are not being met today, or you fear a future that does not equal your values /needs being met.

Lack of direction in your relationship will equal problems… Is that what you want?

What Makes Relationships Successful?

One of the questions I get asked as a relationship coach is what makes the difference between an normal or failing relationship and an extra-ordinary relationship or what makes relationships successful?

The answer is simple…

Apply these simple 3 steps to your relationship every day

  1. Understand what you need

  2. Understand what your partner needs

  3. And spend your life giving your partner what they
    need every single day.

When you live in a relationship that is full of two people who understand each others needs to this degree and they are using their energy to make sure their partner is meeting their daily needs, this is a relationship that has no choice but to grow on every possible level.

Both people in the relationship will feel so loved and important to each other, and this will create a security and freedom between them that will enable unconditional love to flourish.

However most people don’t live in this relationship…

…because they don’t practice those three rules.

If you are in a relationship that just ok, or you seem to be fighting alot and you’re scared for the future, or you would like a partner, but have yet to find one.

  • Those 3 key rules must be your relationship goal starting today.

The reverse of the above is divorce, separation, affairs, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, lack of respect and plenty of pain…

How to discover your needs

Coaching with Stephen Hedger will help both you and your partner understand what those critical needs are. If you are single then we will discover your needs so you can communicate them to your new partners when you get them.