The Miracle Cure for Our Problems

We all want solutions to our problems and today we want them fast. Fast is not always better, but if there is a way to help ourselves now then why wait?

Do you really want to wait for your problems to go away? Most don’t, but what they do makes the problems stay.

There are very powerful ways a person can make their problems stay without knowing.

One is No Action ignore the problem, two is the fear of taking the Wrong Action, just one of these two choices will cause problems, both of these will help the person stay paralyzed for years.

For example a person who has been hurt through relationships creates a wonderful solution, no more relationships! Whilst a relationship can no longer hurt them the lack of love and connection will. [Read more...]

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

It is true that not all relationships can or should be saved. Some relationships are in real crisis and need special attention that’s designed to discover if they are really compatible.

The balance of goals is usually different for couples in place i.e. one person wants to save the relationship the other wants to leave. I like to take the pressure off this situation, by focusing on helping them to achieve something good for themselves.

The goal initially becomes a focus on a future of happiness for the individuals regardless of the outcome. The possibility of happiness brings a breath of fresh air to the couple and takes pressure off the person who wants to leave the relationship.

You see if the relationship has been going wrong for a while both people will have changed how they react to each other due to the accumulated fears of an uncertain history  together.

They will have tried to make it work, but with no relationship education they will only be trying what they know, and this will be limited. Now they feel they have proof the relationship is over.

In other words “fears” will be making decisions and they usually make bad ones.

So it becomes a real relief for the individuals to create a new goal to focus on creating confidence and happiness within themselves at a time when they are saturated with a focus on getting strong and moving away from pain of all that wrong in their lives.

The initial goal is to align the individuals to create behaviours within them that protect them rather than destroy them. A focus on fear or emotional pain on any level just ends up creating more pain.

So if the relationship is wrong it’s far better if both people in the couple can see that and agree there is more pleasure in them parting. This creates a far better relationship if they have children.

The reason behind this is so the couple can look at the relationship from a new resourceful perspective knowing that whatever happens they will be happy.

It’s far easier to correct a relationship if you feel happier in yourself than trying to fix it whilst focused on all your fears and internal pain.

The process of removing fears within the individuals gives the couple a new perspective that helps them get to a place where there are open to building trust with each other.

If the trust building process is successful then we can focus on the needs of the individuals and how they can support each other.

Helping each other meet critical needs is a critical step to help them rebuild the passion which would have gone many month/years back.

As the couple start to reconnect then we can discover the truth in the goals that might cause problems.

Usually what we discover is now the connection is focused on loving and contributing to each others happiness any goal which pulled them apart no longer seems so attractive.

So “Can My Marriage Be Saved?” the next step is up to you, walking away is easy, but don’t you want to know if you can really trust what you feel?

  • Has this struck a chord with you? If so please get in touch today

How to Create Goals You Will Stick to in 2012

Now the New Year is upon us we usually start to think about what we are going to achieve.

Weight loss is usually the big one especially after Christmas, but what is going to make a difference to you? And if you do decide to go for a goal, how long do you think you will stick at it for?

The only goals that really stick are the ones that we get emotionally involved with so when will do fall off the path to our goal there is enough motivation to put us back on track until our new actions just become a part of our lives.

Here is a quick list I use:

  1. What do you want to achieve and why?
  2. How will you know when you have it?
  3. Is the goal possible?
  4. What resources are needed to achieve the goal?
  5. When and where will you have this resource?
  6. What are the advantages of making this change?
  7. What are the disadvantages of making this change?
  8. What will achieving this lose you?
  9. Which of your values be fulfilled by achieving this outcome? – Critical
  10. What’s important to you about getting this?
  11. What will this outcome help you avoid experiencing?
  12. What is the benefit of this outcome?

So whether your goal is to lose weight, meet someone new, improve you relationship, make more money, whatever it is make sure you have powerful motivation behind the passion today to improve your life in 2012.

So what are your exciting goals for 2012?

Is My Relationship Worth Saving?

Here is a typical situation, a couple is wanting help, but with very different goals. One person wants to fix the relationship no matter what and the other is unsure if it is worth it.

I agree that it is not right to save a relationship that is fundamentally wrong, the question is how do we find out if it is wrong before we agree parting is the best solution for that couple.

Some couples that come to see me should not be together I can see it quite quickly, but for the most the challenges they face is more about a lack of understanding than compatibility.

How I help these couples

To help a couple in this place we all need to agree we share a common goal. I like to take the pressure off the couple and make happiness their goal for themselves. I do this because they are both likely to be in fear and so very “me” focused. Happiness would always feel like a great goal.

This disarms the couple to be in a place to learn.

You see when the filter of experience is focused on their problems and fears, not being enough, not being loved etc. The chances of them learning how and why the relationship has failed is zero.

With the pressure off and knowing my intention is for the good for the individuals and not just on fixing the relationship. Both people learn that maybe there are critical pieces of information and understandings that were missing for them both.

New understandings bring fresh perspectives, on their relationships.

What this process does is help the couple to understand how they can easily meet each others needs whilst meeting their own. They discover how they can do this day-to-day and most importantly at the critical points of conflict.

Couples that have learnt this with me don’t take long to decide that their relationship is worth saving after all.

New commitments are made and growth and passion are now possible again.

Couples With Problems Want Fast Results Help And Direction!

What’s interesting about the couples I see is they really only have to do a few key things to make a massive difference with each other combined with a little nudge from me…

These few key things make up about 80% of what’s really important/critical.

I wonder how your relationship would be different if you knew about these few key things and applied them?

This couple did and this is their result…

…We couldn’t believe that in one two hour session so much could change. My husband learnt what to do when I became upset, he felt important in our relationship for the first time in years and I felt so much safer with him. Stephen also worked on my depression of 9 years in that same session and it just went. I even had a little panic when I tried to get my depression back and couldn’t.

We are so excited about each other and our lives again!

There were a few things that were amazing about this couple. Firstly despite their frustration with each other they were eager to learn. They wanted to fix this but were clear very frustrated with each other.

He had no idea how to make her happy and was giving up, and she was too depressed to respond to any good deed which further renforced to him she could never change and he could never make her happy.

She also repeated the same message to him over and over hoping in vain he would understand her and of course he didn’t.

Now I had a big challenge. I could see they were on the edge and I knew her depression of 9+ years was going to hamper our effort to rebuild the trust in the relationship and with no trust their wasn’t going to be growth.

Of their first two hour session, I had to understand their story and teach them how to understand why it had gone wrong and give them the plan rebuild the trust, understand the importance of meeting each others needs  before igniting the passion and then create goals for the future.

He couldn’t be succesful whilst she was this depressed…

So I had 40 minutes left to rid her of this depression. I told her this was my plan and she agreed to go for it.

After 40 minutes of very fast intensive work she stood standing facing me after a rollercoaster of emotions, tears, shock, laughter, she went through it all. Her pale worried face had now been replaced with a healthy glow and a confident smile.

Seeing the massive change in her I asked her to turn to face her husband, as she turned and look straight at him, in an instant he broke down. I rushed across the room just to check his tears were relief, they were!

The following week

I had a good feeling her change was going to stay by the way she responded to the session however I waited to see them a week later.

They walked in to my session all smiles and upbeat, always a good sign in my world.

She told me that after the session she had experienced minor panic attacks. What was interesting is her attacks were because she was so used to being depressed, when she couldn’t get depressed she felt lost, amazing! Of course this desire to become depressed was short lived and she embraced the new calmer her and so did her husband.

What he did was grab the opportunity to give her what she needed,  through his strength he met his own core needs and hers. She explained how through the changes we had put in place he was becoming far more attractive to her and he felt in a position of power in a caring loving way.

The attraction was returning and the trust had been rebuilt.

  • If this has stuck a cord with you and you would like to find
    out how Stephen can help you please get in touch today.

What are your relationship goals?

From married to dating it is critical that you create goals for your relationship to keep your relationship alive and full of passion.

Giving is one of the biggest goals you can contribute to your relationship. A lot of people in relationships are only interested in what they can get from their relationship and when they don’t think they are getting much, giving seems like the last thing they want to do.

So they withhold the giving as a punishment. Of course if someone does us a wrong we punish them! Wrong! Especially in relationships. Whenever has anyone felt more love after being punished. If you punish your partner you hurt your relationship and yourself.

The biggest goal is really very simple… [Read more...]

The Secret To The Life You Want

What you are about to read may sound obvious, but take heed, a lot of what you say you know and you should do, you probably don’t. So knowledge is really only powerful if you then decide to use it. Plus beware of the sting in the tail if you get this wrong…

Now I know that only 10% of you will actually do this and only 3-5% will actually follow through, why this happens no one knows just decide quickly if you are going to be in the 3% or the 97%.

Step one: Decide what you really want, discover what would make your life just the way it should be. Great relationship, money, career, adventures, stuff what would you really like your life to be like?

This is where the 90% give up, they think what they want is not possible, if that’s you, fair enough.

Get your wife or husband boy friend, girl friend involved, get the family involved give yourself permission to create the possibility of living an exciting exceptional life. After all it won’t happen unless you create it.

Step two: Decide what you want, and write it down

This critical because the goal becomes more powerful, plus as time passes and your goals change you can see how many of your goals you have achieved and how as you learn more about yourself and life how those goals change.

Step three: Keep your lists.

The bitter and the sweet

Many of us have a goal of becoming wealthy and the term millionaire tends to sum of this goal.

This is where the 90% will now stop reading:

The Goals: Why not create a goal to become a millionaire, or a wonderful partner, why not both?

What’s important is not what you’ll get if you do this, what important is who you’ll have to become to be able to achieve those goals.

If the money isn’t important give it to a charity,

  • “The importance of life is not what you get it’s who you become.”

What are you becoming today?

Set the goal that will make something of you, when you achieve them.

Challenge yourself don’t be afraid of the pressure, stop doing what’s easy, grow that muscle that will help you create a life. The 97% live an existence unaware of what really happening, look around you at the ground hog day people who have lowered their standards through fear of not getting what they want. Is this really who you want to become?

If you don’t think you need much, then of course you don’t need to become much, some of you maybe happy not becoming much, it’s your life and your choice… BUT…!

Don’t sell out, on your values in your quest for poor goals, or no goals at all, because that will go against all you believe in, you will be the creator of your own life disasters.

An unhappy life is a result of you doing less than you are capable of and the reason this is possible is a lack of discipline, poor focus and poor goals.

Just beware of what you become in pursuit of what you think you want.

Relationship coaching starts with helping individuals understand who the core them really is and helping them understand what life they were designed to live.

Only when an individual gets this, do they start to attract all they desire.

Beware of your fears because whatever they are, they have become your goals, because whatever you focus on you’ll get.

Please choose wisely…

One Amazing Lady & Her Journey – Unexpected Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are traumatic for everyone. What happens when the love runs so deep, that life starts to become second place. This is a story of a remarkable lady who worked with me to come out of her own personal hell to see the value of herself and regain her passion for her life all over again.

I will hand you over to her words below…

Last August I was in a dark and to be quite honest, scary place. Incredibly unhappy and feeling that life was never going to change. My husband of 17 years had suddenly walked out 18 months before. I hadn’t seen it coming at all and everything since had seemed totally surreal. My world had fallen apart and I felt totally lost. I spent most of the time in tears. I had lost the cheerful, optimistic side of me completely.

I don’t know what made me search for help again. I’d tried Counselling a year earlier, but just seemed to spend time discussing how I felt. I was too painfully aware of How I Felt – and why! [Read more...]

How to get what you want…

This is important for you: The key to getting everything you want from relationships, to stuff, to life is down to a few key elements. No matter what you want out of life I’m going to share with you the formula for creating successful futures.

All you have to do is follow this:

  • Understand what you want and why you want it in detail. Many people create ill formed goals and so set themselves up for failure.
  • Understand who you have to be to make that goal a possibility. In other words with your goal in mind what sort of behaviours and thoughts are most likely to get it.
  • With the correct “state” in place and your “goal(s)” defined in detail, the next step is to define the key steps you need to make your goal a possibility.
  • With everything now set for success, all you have to do is take massive action and be persistent, and disciplined every day. When you practice all this every day your chances for success are increased thousand fold.

So will you get what you want now? NO! Not always…

The difference between calculated guessing and true greatness is the ability to be so sure of your goals that even when you fail you take that failure as feedback, learn from your mistakes and redefine the steps and start again.

  • The key to achieving true greatness and success is to make more mistakes faster than anyone else, you will eventually run out of ways to do it wrong.

So as you can see if making mistakes is one of the keys to success, and most people are afraid to make mistakes, you can see why so many people fail to realise their dreams.

Ego’s, fears and limiting beliefs plus ill defined goals all equal a lack of power to control your future and create mediocre lives.

Is that what you want? Or do you want more?

If you do please get in touch today

2011 Can Be Your Year – But You Have To Want It?

I mean you have to really want it. Not just talk about it. You have to be willing to take massive actions fearlessly. If you have not got what you want today, ask yourself why? Is it lack of focus? Do you fear something? Do you not know what to do? Whatever is blocking you has to be overcome…

…or this year will be the same as last year.

If you are focusing on what you want for you this year my advice would be.

  • 1. Make your goals crystal clear
  • 2. Understand why you want them
  • 3. Get laser focused on the steps needed to achieve the goals
  • 4.  And most of all, get focused on RESULTS!

The rules of life are simple, what you focus on is what you’ll get. So don’t focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you do.

Many people never achieve what they really want because they are scared that they won’t get it, or they won’t be enough in some way.

So their fears focus them on not having what they want. This results in them focusing not only on not getting what they want, but also on taking little or no action towards it.

Little action gets little to no results, and so they have proof that they will never have it.

Is this what you will do? Are you going to set yourself up to fail every day?

Everyone has the freedom and the right to have what they want, and you are no different.

Relationships, Wealth, Adventure, Toys, Friends, Family, Spirituality, Health

Whatever your focus is this year, go and get it. Plan it now and above all make your goals your passion, do something everyday to make what you say is important to you come true.

You are designed to grow to contribute to yourself and others. You are designed to be amazing, you are amazing you just have not yet realised how amazing you are.

The wonders of this world are not designed just for others, they are for you, all you have to do is stop fighting the world go with the flow of how sucess works and create the patterns in you, that will give you all you desire.

The key to all this is to break old patterns of behaviour.

Create new empowering patterns that will help you to be the person you want to be in the life that you want to live.

The question now is how? What do you feel you have to do right now to get the ball rolling?

Classic Relationship Goal For Success

If we want to be successful in our relationships, what goals do we need to focus on?

This answer is really very simple, your goal is to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you.

This is a very simple principal.

If your partner feels bad about themselves when they are around you, what happens is they attach those bad feeling to you and they then have to fight a need to get away from you.

If you help them to feel worse then they start to loose the will to fight and now they have a desire to run away from you.

Help your partner feel amazing, valued, loved, secure, significant by constantly giving them all then need and watch your relationship transform.

You did this when you were dating it worked then, so have a think, you stopped practicing this and now the relationships not as good as it was back then.

After all you say you love them so why not, put actions to your words and prove it’s true.

Relationship Coaching: With Stephen Hedger

Many of my clients come to me with a goal of what they would like to achieve.

Whilst I do help them to achieve their goals sometimes their specific goal could lead them into disaster, maybe to false hope, or failure which just adds insult to injury.

My job as a relationship coach is to re-define their goals so they are achievable.

For example, many clients want to get old relationships back. They want to understand why their relationships have failed and what can they do to get the relationships back.

Other clients come to me as couples not understanding why they are going round in circles.

My first task is usually to help clients go for goals such as happiness first. There are many reason why I take clients down this road.

The first is because getting clients on the verge, or in depression out of their land of despair into a confident and successful place where life is full of opportunity and fun is a great re-focus for those tormented by their loss of the life they really wanted.

The second is because if their goal is to get an old relationship back or their current one back on track, presenting a depressed person as a potential life partner is never very successful.

Present a person who is magnetic to success, life and lives life true to who they really are, now that’s a different story.

It really does not matter what stage of a relationship you are in, becoming the person you want to be is critical to attracting all you desire from your life, including your partner.

What many couples fail to recognise is that despite being together for years they still have to market themselves to attract their partners, but usually they become lazy and fearful.

As a relationship coach I help individual build amazing relationships with themselves first. When individuals connect with their true selves it’s like a light has gone on and life can be seen as an adventure once more, but this time from a place of honesty and this time without the fears.

A relationships coaches job is not to fix relationships. The coaches job is to help individual build amazing relationships with themselves so they can present an honest exciting version of themselves to their partners.

From this place, growth, lasting passion is possible and a relationship coach can show clients the way to support each other to a shared vision/journey through life.

Why Relationships Stop Growing & Start Dying

What has to happen for anything to grow? It needs some kind of action towards a goal. If it does not get what it needs to grow the result is, it has to die! Everything on earth works this way including relationships. So make sure that what you are doing does not stop growth, because you may live to regret it.

Every relationship is very different so each person requires different specific actions to enable growth. More importantly the relationships growth has to please both people, and help them to feel they are also growing as individuals within the relationship.

So the direction the relationship is heading in is critical.

If the relationship has no goal, it then becomes directionless and this means the relationship is lost and starts to lose it’s reason for being. When this happens the couple start to notice something is wrong and they go in search of problems.

The amount of couples that decide to commit whole lives to each other with no plan for themselves, or their relationship, other than love in the moment is staggering and is a key factor in divorce.

So what happens is each person in the couple has a very loose vision of how their lives should be. They don’t communicate that vision in real terms until they start to feel bad and feel that something is not quite right.

Both people in the relationship will have a totally different vision of how life should be. The bigger the gap the more uncomfortable they will be with their current direction and therefore each other.

Lack of vision causes relationship break-ups

As you can see a lack of communication and a lack of vision, never expressed in real terms causes massive problems. If the couple do not create a series of exciting goals the relationship will feel dead and this will create distance and a feeling that they are in the wrong life with the wrong person.

Getting married buying a house having kids are all great goals, but what comes next. Unless you plan to have an exciting rich life you will never have one, both individually and together.

If you don’t plan a clear direction the world or others will take over, and one day you will wake up look around you and think how did I get here and say…

“THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE SHOULD BE!”

At that moment you have one person to blame! YOU! …Take charge of your own future, life and relationship today!

Why relationships go bad

If your relationship has gone bad then something has changed.

One of the most likely reasons is the relationship has stopped growing.

To grow your relationship you have to have exciting compelling goals together. When you first met you and your partner had goals to see each other, goals to learn more about each other, goals to get them to like you. Goals to have passionate weekends away, goals to live together, goals buy a house, goals to get married goals to have children.

In the early days with a life so full of goals you both felt so close and alive and so you wanted the next adventure together.

What happens in most relationships is the goals die. Life takes over work, friends, hobbies, children and money become the new goals and the relationship gets left out.

When the goals die the relationship dies, the couple struggle to see the point of being together although they may stay together longer if they have better financial security together than apart.

If this happen then on top of a dead relationship come resentment and a lack of respect for each other.

Here

7 Reasons: How You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know. What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together it the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is controlling what you think and do.

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give.

5. If you dislike who you become in their company

6. You have real evidence that you cannot trust your partner.

7. Addiction to substances or gambling.

Here is a bonus one for you to consider

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, but you are not sure what. Register on the right for a free coaching session with me and you could just discover why you feel this way.