The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]

Happiness How Does It Happen?

Most of us want happiness, we want to feel the way we want to feel in all parts of our life. But how does happiness really happen? Is it something we need to wait for, or is it something we create?

If you have decided to wait for happiness then what happens if it doesn’t turn up? What happens if happiness is not due to show up for 5 years? What if happiness forgets to come?

What if happiness does not happen this way what if happiness is down to you? What if the best way to happiness is if you take control and become the creator of your happiness.

What if you decide to learn and master the art of happiness? [Read more...]

Relationship Tip For Sunday

When couples get into relationship struggles one of the things they do is go in search of more problems and it’s doesn’t take long for them to find them.

They then put meanings to their problems, because as humans we have to make sense of what we think. Because we trust ourselves we then believe the meanings we create, those meanings become unchallenged facts.

Those facts then allow us to become the judge of our partners.

This is one of the most dangerous practices individuals make in their relationships. NO ONE, and I mean no one is qualified to judge the behaviours of their partners.

By all means give feedback on what effect their behaviours are having on you, but never judge them.

Your judgement will be based on your assumption of the intention behind their actions, and viewing their behaviours based on your life experiences and core values. Their behaviours will be based on their life experiences and core values which will be different to yours.

To complicate things further, men and women are designed to experience the world differently due to their inbuilt survival instincts.

So becarefull that some of your judgement is not based on them being in their true gender. This can cause problems as the couple can start to distort themselves to fit into the relationships thus causing even more resentment as a polarity shift can happen and the individuals can then become unhappy or depressed as life is not how it should be.

The woman becomes masculine and the man becomes feminine. Neither happy in these roles, but ironically stuck not wanting to change through fear.

Judgements of others shows you and those you judge little to no respect, values such as respect are important to us, not some of the time, ALL THE TIME!

When you don’t live by what you say you value, trouble, unhappiness, depression, relationship break-ups are never far away.

So…turn your judgments into a cry for help from your partner, that for them something is wrong, and they are telling you because they believe you can help them.

If you knew what they really needed was your help, what would you want to give them now…?

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

No one wants to “WORK” at their relationship!?

I have to say, I can’t blame them… How many times have we heard that we have to work at our relationships. Do we listen to these words and think FANTASTIC I can’t wait, or do we shudder at the prospect. I mean it’s not an attractive prospect is it, at best it’s boring…

Isn’t the word “work” a suggestion that it’s going to be a labor, tough, hard, or something we do in return for something? Where does unconditional love fit in here?

Plus what kind of “work” are they suggesting. I’m a Relationship Coach and I’m not sold.

How about this…

If you were to take constant actions to do something, and it made you feel great, would you be more likely to do it?

Of course you would… If you enjoyed it would it feel like work? Of course not.

I help men and women discover how to change their behaviours so they can become successful with each other, once they get over the initial fear of doing something new, they embrace their new skills with both hands, quite literally in many cases.

You see getting a relationship to be successful is not “work” it is fun, but only when you know how.

It’s only work to those who have no idea what they are doing and so it’s the trial and error small successes and big failures that feel like hard work.

You maybe successful at creating a relationship that feels wrong, but here’s the good news, you know that what you practice consistently works. So all you have to do is practice something different and that will work too.

When you learn how to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you then they will stop at nothing to help you feel amazing about you too.

I know for a fact that when men learn the secrets to how to make their partners happy they will stop at nothing. When women learn what their men really want then the fun can start all over again…

No work, just fun and intelligent behaviours designed for relationship growth and lasting passion.

Interested, give me a call.

Relationship Advice: Reverse Polarity

Reverse polarity is a when a couple finds themselves in a relationship where the woman is the strong, driving force, more masculine than feminine. The man is usually more feminine in his approach in the relationship maybe wanting a quiet life and just going with the flow even if he does not want to.

What seems strange is at work however he could be strong and respected he could even be a leader on some level. The woman could also connect with her feminine side with friends and children. So day-to-day life does actually bring out their true polarity yet in their relationship they switch back.

Lots of relationships work this way and no one is qualified to judge them, couples that live this way and are happy have no need or desire to change for them it works.

The problem arises when one, or both people in the relationship are not happy, but don’t know why. Reverse Polarity could be the cause, because the what the individuals in the couple really want is to be more of the gender they are designed to be, consciously this will not stand out as the problem and so the problems will present themselves in different ways.

The woman may complain at the man about day-to-day stuff, the man will shut down or remove himself in some way this create a bigger gap between the couple as she becomes stronger to cope and he becomes more beaten knowing he can never please her.

For example: A woman can resent her partner for not being the man in the relationship. She wants desperately to connect with that vulnerable, soft version of herself. But the thought of doing so scares her, because she has a fear that she will not be safe if she does. She needs that masculine strength and power to cope with life. At some point in her life she learnt this.

She could have come from a divorced family or she may have created the masculine versions in past relationships to cope with being mistreated or her current relationship could have created this tough version of her.

He has also learnt his behaviours either from a dominant mother or maybe a string of relationships where he felt he could never please his partners and so he gave up. He will have a burning desire to please his partner, but will find he never can and so he gives up.

Couples that first meet in this place have a huge connection and a passionate chemistry because the reverse polarity creates a unique attraction for them. BUT, it is usually not long before one of them goes to a place of fear, because something does not feel right and they either split-up quickly, or distort themselves to cope with their relationships.

They create a relationship that is one big compromise, never really connecting with who they are, but too scared leave the relationship. In a strange way this for them becomes home and it’s likely eventually to be devoid of all passion.

Like brother and sister, but also not… She might say to friends… “ I have him well trained” and he will have lost his spark seemingly going through the motions, maybe using disrespectful humor to cope with his dominant partner.

It becomes a strange mix of a lack of respect with no desire to be apart for those who hit the “wall” and decide to stay and accept that this is good enough, better the devil you know.

Do you wish your man could be the man in your relationship and keep you safe, and love you no matter what. Or are you a man that has lost his masculine energy and you feel that whatever you do you cannot please her.

If this is you I can help…

Values: The Key To A Passionate Love Life

When a couple has a values conflict the first thing to go is their sex life.

Many people see VALUES as just a list of words and as a simple list, yes you could say they are important, but miss the immense power they hold to change your life for ever.

If used incorrectly values can cause depression, anxiety, relationship break ups, abuse, violence, anger and many many more problems.

When values are understood and lived by life takes on a success they could never have imagined. People close to suicide discover a new lease of life. Victims of abuse discover how to give themselves security.

All the greats this world has seen understood the massive power of understanding and applying their values to their life consciously.

It’s really simple: If you don’t understand your values and your partners values then expect a traumatic rollercoaster.

It’s bad enough for one person who has no concept of their values for life, but two people attempting to live together will soon run into big trouble.

Values are the most important words you will ever learn, because they mean so much to us that they become a compass for our lives.

Many couples come to me with a conflict of values, they claim that certain values are important yet they fail to live by what they say is important to them.

It’s like a smoker that claims health is important, but carries on smoking. Something nags at them and so they talk about giving up for years but never actually do it. It’s the values nagging!

Couples claim that love is important yet they punish and hurt each other. They claim that trust is important and then they act in an untrusting manner that scares their partner to trust them even less.

It is this total lack of living by the values and standards that help couples fail.

If you are unhappy then the chances of you suffering from a conflict of values is really high. If you are having relationship problems the first place to start is with yourself. Become the best partner you can be by living by what you say is important and then help your partner through their problems.

How To Make A Relationship Work

Millions of people globally are searching for information every month that can help them understand the answer to the question – How to make a relationship work?

Experts across the global can agree on one thing, and that is you have to get to know you first, and understand what you need to be happy so you can communicate those specific needs to your partner.

After all your partner is not a mind reader.

Getting to know the real you sounds great, but how do you really get to know you. What or who can really help us understand who we really are and what we really need?

Some people believe going travelling will work, some go to self-help seminars, some spend time alone, some have many partners. There are many strategies, but do any of them really work?

The answer is yes and no, because you can get to know one version of you, the version of you that always knows what to do when the pressure is off, but what about the version of you that crumbles when life gets tough.

You see there is not just one version of YOU! In fact there are 20+ different versions of you that live by very different rules. These different versions will create different futures for you, some not as good as others some amazing and some really destructive.

Getting to know them all and understanding the versions and their purpose is your real BIG goal that will help you understand why you do what you do and help you understand when you are being destructive.

The version of you that causes real problems is going to be a fearful version of you, a version that will distort the world and limit you whilst giving you the illusion of balancing your life to feel normal.

This is the version that lets you down when you need it most. Just imagine knowing which version of you that will always create great futures and discovering by choice how to be that person.

  • Do you want to discover the real you? If so I run self discovery sessions it takes about 2 hours per person. If you are interested please let me know. Click here

How To Get My Partner To Change

Thank you for all of your questions regarding your relationships problems. One of the questions that kept coming up was about how to change your partner.

Many relationship experts would frown at this question because trying to change someone to be who you want them to be so you can be happy smacks of controlling behaviour…however…

As you go about your daily life you know that there is many versions of you created by differing life conditions. So an individual may notice that their partner has changed and just wants the old them back and this is wanting change for good reasons.

For example: A woman married with children and has a career creates very different versions of herself to cope with everyday life conditions and so she changes to get the best out of all the situations she finds herself in. She can shift from mummy to best friend to important business decisions to sex with her husband all in one day. All of those scenarios require a very different versions of her to make that happen.

When a change happens where she feels out of control she can become fearful and so now she will go into a fearful version of herself.

Example: Let’s say she fears her relationship failing, this changes her even more, and so each of her normal life conditions (work, parent, daughter, friend, wife) now feel very different to her so therefore her behaviours start to change. Inside her she will start to see the world differently and she feels that everything feels wrong.

If she stays worried or fearful for a long time what can happen is she can become stuck in this distorted version of herself without knowing and without a clue of how to shift it.

So when her partner talks about wanting her to change what he really wants is for her to get back to the happy version of her which will be good for her and obviously for him.

The problem happens when one person goes into a fear state the other can follow confused as to what’s going on. This can happen to men and women equally.

The best way to change your partner to be happy again is to be the best partner you can be. Love and support them though their problems and don’t follow them into a place of fear where if practised for long enough you can both become very good at it and be constantly on red alert for problems.

Client Testimonial – The True Him Wins!

When I came to Stephen I was in an awful state because I had separated from my partner and child. I knew we had made mistakes in this regard, but I could not get her back. I was calling her many times a day but all that did was make her want to avoid me.

When I approached Stephen I was trying to heal a broken relationship and I didn’t have the skills or experience to do it. I was trying to understand why things went wrong for me, and for us as a family. What Stephen did initially was he worked on improving my state, showing me change techniques. He pointed out that I had made crucial decisions in my life in a fear state, when I was in no fit state to make them. [Read more...]

What Is Your Life Purpose?

What were you designed to be and do? If life is not the way it should be how are you going to feel. How is your relationship going to suffer if you don’t feel right.

If something does not feel right, then you can be sure that something is not right. As we go through our lives from childhood what happens is we create a purpose for our lives during that time. So our purpose at different moments in time could be to

  • Have fun
  • Protect yourself
  • Set yourself free
  • Find adventure
  • Discover you
  • Control everything
  • The list is endless…

Everyone creates these life purposes without conscious awareness and it’s the life conditions that will create the need to change or shift our purpose.

Depending on how your life conditions change your purpose will shift to adapt, but you can find that you are not meeting your core values. If this happens, whilst you might be meeting your needs your values are being ignored and this creates a very unhappy and distorted version of you.

So we can look back and say that times in our life were not good for us. This is a reflection of needs being met, but values being ignored.

Is this where you are today? If you are unhappy with you or your life you can bet that your relationship is suffering.

  • To live a happy life that is always a win-win situation for you, you must understand how you work. So when life conditions change you no longer live in reaction limiting your true self and creating internal conflict… …that can lead to stress, depression, anger, anxiety!

If you would like help with this contact me today!

Keeping The Courage

We all have moments when we say enough is enough. We feel that something is very wrong, our relationship is not how it should be, our life seems wrong we feel stuck in lives that don’t make us happy.

We go in search of answers, we speak to friends and family and all this does is create more confusion, more frustration.

We may read books or go on websites like this one. Then at the point of action where we meet those who can really help us we stop.

The courage we had that started our search has gone, and we go to a place of fear in search of all the problems that taking that final step would make us face.

  • We fear it won’t work
  • We fear we might have to face our demons
  • We fear the financial cost of going and not going

The fears we discover then paralyse us and so we lose the courage to take action. So we convince ourselves in the moment we are looking after ourselves by taking no action, but deep down we know that our fears are creating a prison of safety where we have the illusion of freedom.

Keep the courage

If you know that you need help, keep the courage. Whatever you think you will experience will not be true and will be made up from a limited knowledge of how professionals can help you. The courage that helps you to take that step opens a world about you that will free you from the many prisons you have designed to protect you.

Even when you are in the process of self-discovery, keep the courage because you will have to face you, the real you, but temporary pain against a life of freedom is a worthy trade by any standard, and for those who have been through this process their result to them is priceless.

  • You came here for a reason?!

This Is For You…

When you consider the life you really want to have, the relationships, your career, your friends, houses, cars, holidays, money what springs to mind?

As humans we always have to grow in every area of our lives, because if we are not growing we are dying. So if you consider that to be happy, every part of your life has to grow, or it will become stale and die, you really have no choice, but to decide to take action or to not.

So what has to happen for each area of your life to be ok for you?

This is the point when people become scared to dream because they are afraid to want something just in case they don’t get it. So they limit, or down play their true potential.

  • The reason this happen is because they ask the wrong questions

The real question is what sort of person do I have to become for my dream life to be a possibility? When someone considers what they have to change about themselves to get the life they desire i.e. become more confident, more knowledgeable, more valuable, more courageous, this focuses them to a different place of growth for them, rather than a big impossible mountain to climb.

Successful people in this world start off practicing being the type of people who have money, who have amazing relationships, who have powerful careers long before they ever got to their goal. If they had practised being poor, or lacking in confidence they never would have had any success.

So when you consider the life you would really like, what sort of person do you have to be become today?

To understand how to create this new you, you must understand how behaviours are generated and how if you decide on a life direction you will end up being fulfilled and happy.

There is one clear way of achieving this and that is by understanding how you work and the real power you have to influence yourself and the world around you, if only you could free yourself from your fears of not being enough.

If you want freedom to be the person you really want to be, in the life you really want to live, then understanding you is your first step.

  • I run one-on-one courses to help individuals discover who they have to be. If you are interested please let me know. Click here

Grown Men Have Cried When They Discovered This…

I have had so many instances with my clients that when I explain in detail how and why their values are the key to a happy life for them, they breakdown in total disbelief that they have lived their lives all this time without knowing this life changing and critical information.

Grown men have cried, women have put their head in their hands, some have become angry, some look back with regret of how their lives could have been different if they had really understood this back before their problems really started.

  • So many powerful reactions to this silent wonder that sits within us without us knowing.

See the thing is, when I talk to people about values they usually say yes they understand them, and that they have great values for life.

I then I discover that what they think they understand is far from reality, and so they actually have no idea, not only of what a value really is, but how to use them to get the lives they really want.

I remember the day so clearly day when I understood this and suddenly my life just seemed to snap into sharp focus. I discovered that my values were the key to the life I wanted.

  • The challenge that everyone faces is to understand them and persistently meet your values every day.

Because if you understand the values that are needed to be the person you have always wanted to be, and you meet those values every day you cannot fail in being happy and true to you.

The rules of values

Anyone that is unhappy is NOT living by their values. Understanding your values and how to meet them is the pathway to your emotions.

  • THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: If you meet your values you will be happy, if you don’t you will be unhappy.

Understanding this changes everything because the way we live our lives is with a goal to be happy.

For example people go in search of many ways to be happy.

A woman may go in search of a dress to be happy. She believes the dress will make her happy. In the moment the dress does make her happy, but it does not last for long and so she has to repeat the process to be happy again.

What she has not understood is that the process of buying the dress has given her emotions. It’s the emotions she is after that she gets when she buys the dress, but she thinks it’s the dress she wants, this is her illusion.

She may feel more confident, powerful, in control, significant, attractive…etc When she feels anyone of these things many of her values are being met, but it’s likely she has no idea which one’s, all she knows is she feels happy and this is the route to it.

  • What if she understood how to meet all those emotions through her values without buying anything? What would happen is she could find way to gain lasting happiness that is not conditional on stuff or in this case a dress.

Another example

Many people value money so highly that they spend their lives on a quest to get as much as they can, only to ask this question “… I now have everything I could possibly want, why am I still unhappy?”

Imagine spending your life on a quest and achieving that goal only to discover that what you went for didn’t make you happy.

This is why so many very rich people end up in therapy, they are lost and confused and now exhausted.

  • These people did not understand the power of creating values for lasting happiness.

Now imagine how your relationship would be different, if you understood how to be happy through your values no matter what. Imagine if you could communicate those values to your partner so he or she knew without doubt how to make you happy and you did the same for them.

Then the route to relationship success can be yours in every part of your life.

  • If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch.

Remember this: Knowledge is only power if you persistently apply that knowledge.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

My partner and I have been having a lot of problems. We were together for 4 months and everything was absolutely perfect, everything was going right and we fit well with each other.

Then after the 4 months we were thrown into an unexpected long distance relationship which equals to a few thousand miles between us (17 hours plane journey). Our relationship changed a lot, its now been a year and one month since we started our relationship so 9 months has been long distance and this has been difficult to say the least.

I would say that I have become quite irrational, I am incredibly jealous now but I never was before the long distance. I trust him much less and I can stress a ridiculous amount which leads to getting angry with him for the smallest thing.

I kind of understand my jealousy because I am jealous of any girl that can be near him but I can’t be, that I have to be thousands of miles away and the horrible feeling that something could happen.

I have become a completely different person which he had always been patient about but I could never seem to change. I don’t know if I can ever change my jealousy especially in a long distance relationship, also the problem is that we would have to be in this distance for another few years.

Its been 9 months and the truth is I’ve been finding it absolute hell, I’ve been stressed, I’ve been crying almost everyday, and its horrible. My Partner on the other hand really likes a long distance relationship, hes been understanding because he loves me so much but I can’t seem to do that for him.

I don’t know at all what to do.

Lisa

————————————————–

Dear Lisa

Thank you for your email to me, I really feel for you, this is a horrible place to be.

You enter into a perfect relationship and just as it’s getting going, it’s now been taken away.

Now you are left will all these conflicts inside that are now making you really unhappy. On one hand you know these thoughts are irrational, but every day they’re coming into your mind uninvited.

There are two key areas here that are effecting you.

  • 1. The man you love is thousands of miles away from you, and this is not how your relationship or life should be.
  • 2. Your constant focus on potential problems has taken you to a place of fear, which has generated a version of you that is constantly worried and now becoming depressed.

When your life conditions don’t match how you think things should be, you can become miserable, depressed and in this place of fear you have unconsciously gone on a search to discover what problems this long distance relationship could create for you, for him, and the relationship.

  • What’s happened is you have come up with loads of ways this relationship could hurt you or end.

Your boyfriend who seems to be trying to fix this relationship from thousands of miles away knows how unhappy you are, and is telling you that everything is OK and that a long distance relationship with him is not to be feared.

In fact you believe either through his words or your feelings that he likes the relationship this way. If you also believe that, then there is no end to living hell for you…

…I don’t believe any man that loves his woman wants to be thousands of miles away from her ( if you also share that thought, that could be making your feel worse, however…), I expect he is fearful of you getting so upset that you end the relationship, to escape your own fears, and so he could be playing his own feelings down to protect you.

Something needs to change, because you are making yourself unwell and these behaviours in you could create the thing you fear most and that’s a break up, because you both can‘t see away forward.

At the moment this situation for you equals the possibility of the end of your relationship every day.

The other part that I know is hurting you is that you want to give him love and yet from this place of fear you can’t, and that’s deeply hurting you too.

The bottom line is you feel out of control, not able to do, or be, what you want in a life situation you never saw as perfect for you or ever wanted or asked for.

For you to be happy again a change is needed, and so your focus and the meanings you are giving that focus has to be different for you to be OK.

Lisa I am going to contact you direct, I can tell you what needs to change, but I will have to work with you to make that change happen.

If Lisa is happy to work with me, we will be back to share the results.

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

How To Reinvent You After A Break Up

The Mail Online reported yesterday that, Ultimate Big Brother’s Chantelle admits: ‘I should have had therapy after my divorce, not plastic surgery’

Women in particular feel a big need to change their appearance to help them feel good after a relationship break up. The problem is because the change they usually choose is external the initial feelings are artificial and so they don’t last very long.

A woman’s natural beauty and confidence comes from within her and so unless she puts her focus into this area of her life and herself she will always ultimately feel the same no matter what she does to her hair, clothes, make-up and now the extreme make-over, plastic surgery.

If a woman really wants to reinvent herself what she needs to do is understand that she has many versions of her already and the shift to get from the painful and fearful version of her into the version that will make her feel happy, attractive and sexy again will never happen though any external intervention long-term.

The many versions of you

Imagine if you knew all the different parts of you, and you knew how to bring them out on demand.

  • The fun you
  • The sexy you
  • The you that always knows what to do to make you happy and keep you safe.

In that process of getting to know these different versions of you and in women there are 20+, you’ll also get to retire the versions of you which feel exhausted at the life you have been living, these parts of you that might always be worried or fearful, maybe depressed or anxious.

When life conditions change people change automatically

When relationships are in trouble both parties go into fear states where they are protecting themselves from what might happen in the future.

If their relationship problems have been going on for a while they can get stuck in these fears states and so they live in a distorted version of themselves always on the look out for problems.

So if the fear was massive as in Chantelle’s case she would go for a big change, which if you have watched the UK’s Channel 4 programme “Ultimate Big Brother” you can see that after her surgery she didn’t get the change she really wanted… She is not alone!

If you would like more information on how to get to know the different versions of you or you would like help with your break up and how to reinvent you so it lasts please click here

Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

Is A Fear Pattern Destroying Your Life?

The biggest relationship pattern we run is a fear pattern. Yesterday we discovered how we can set up patterns of behaviour with knowing. Fear patterns in our relationships can happen in the same way, but with devastating results.

The fear we create in our mind is the question that means the end of our relationship.

That question is this:

Will I be enough… for him or her?

This big fear pattern is at play in many areas of people lives. Will I be a good enough mother, father, boss, employee, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

When this fear pattern is generated in a relationship this then changes a persons behaviours, they could decide:

  • To give-up or run, because its hopeless, they will never be enough.
  • To control their  partner so they can’t make them fearful anymore.
  • Try to put their partner down, so they come down to their level of fear too.

And there are many more… This will create lot of irrational behaviours, crying, shouting, happy one day, sad the next, depression, anxiety. Making up things you said when you didn’t, making you responsible for all that’s wrong in the world…

Decisions in fear states equals disaster

Unfortunately when someone makes a decision from a state of fear, the decisions are usually poor destructive decisions that help to generate the thing they fear most…and so their partner does leave them.

If a relationship is to survive and become one full of unconditional love this fear has to be understood and removed / changed.

Are you running this fear pattern, do you think your partner is running this pattern?

The fear will feel very real, but in most cases is not true, their pattern was set-up for a good reason, but it is very likely to be running today for all the wrong reasons.

Remember if you create a fear in you, and give it to your partner, what you do is then create a fear in them and now the irrational chaos is doubled.