Relationship Problems Explained

I have many couples and individuals come to me when life doesn’t feel how they had hoped. They share with me feelings of not being themselves, disconnected in some way.

From this place everything seems worse, they create a fear that life may not be the same again, this serves to create more fear.

This fear is normal within individuals no matter what situation they find themselves in. From victims of affairs, to those on the receiving end of a break-up all feel that fear, but in any relationship situation that does not feel right, that fear can feel very real and scary.

Those that find themselves in this place are usually after two key things, they want to feel “significant” and they want to feel “secure”. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill FIVE of SEVEN

Yesterday we looked at how anyone can reignite the passion in their relationship and can give themselves permission to drop the accepted assumption that Relationships + Time automatically equals a loss of passion.

  • What we are getting to now is honesty in your relationship.
  • I have a question for you, is “honesty” important to you? I expect the answer is yes.
  • When is honesty important? Is it some of the time or all of the time? I expect you’ll want honesty all of the time.

Many couples I work with, and I see a lot every year all have one thing in common, they are not honest with each other and more importantly they are not honest with themselves. [Read more...]

Today’s Relationship Tip

If you want an amazing relationship full of passion one that will last, what has to happen? Today I am going to share with you one tip that will make all the difference.

This is the thing that most people fear doing and most of us are conditioned not to do when relationships get tough.

The secret is to become the best partner you can be today, no matter what you believe your partner has done to you.

I assume if you have a relationship that you want to keep it? So how attractive do you think you are to your partner when you pull your love away?

Relationships usually work in the opposite ways to what you think, so be brave and become the person you want to be NOW. Don’t change who you are due to your fears, stay strong and become someone who no matter what, can stay focused on who they are.

If you are a loving person give love, if your partner has done something that has hurt you, it is very likely that you have very little understanding of their behaviours, you have not had their life or their upbringing so you are not qualified to judge them so…

Rather than judging them love them in times that they feel pain and understand this. Very often we hurt those closest to us, but the real message is that they feel safe to be who they are with you and they are telling you they want help and they trust you to be that help.

Love is always the answer. So give it unconditionally and without fear. Most of us want unconditional love, but we are too scared to give it. Your relationship will suffer if this is you, remember you don’t love to receive love, you love because that is a part of who you are.

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

What “change” will positively impact your relationship

When we experience relationship problems the natural response is to focus on what is happening in the moment. So what we do is focus on the problem.

The problem is usually just a symptom of the real issue and so whilst the couple may put lots of effort into trying to sort out what they think is the problem, their problem keeps coming back, frustrating the couple to assume that they could be incompatible.

Understanding what is at the root of couples problems is harder for couples to understand. All they know is they are becoming increasingly frustrated that their relationship is not working.

So what can couples do to sort things out. To start with do not focus on your problems, because all you will get is more problems.

The solutions are not in your problems they are likely to be in your past. The combination of your pasts will be creating behaviours that equal the relationship you have today.

Do not underestimate how powerful the past can be on the meanings you are giving your relationship today. After all, our survival is all about learning what equals danger and if in the past you have been hurt in someway then that will affect you moving forward and especially if the life condition feels similar.

Relationships are complex and so treating them as if they are simple might be easy to manage, but the results could end up hurting you more.

The biggest change you can make is to get educated on how your relationship functions, and what will give you all you want and what will destroy it.

Call me today and get the answers you’ve been looking for.

Relationship Boundaries and Values

Are you teaching your partner how to hurt you without knowing?

What do you want your partner to learn about you and what’s important to you? Understanding what you teach your partner is critical. Your behaviours to their actions creates the boundaries that are supposed to be keeping you safe secure and happy. So in your relationship you would expect to have basic values such as trust, respect, honesty.

The problem arises when individuals fail to give these basic values to themselves. Many people claim that certain things like “respect” are important then disrespect themselves in their own relationships. The result is potentially catastrophic for them and their relationship.

Many people who attend my sessions are initially confused about setting clear boundaries in their relationships.

If boundaries are not set then what happens you will teach your partners that they can do anything to you and it’s OK. You may complain, cry, scream, throw things, but at the end of the day if they do what they like and you accept it on some level, it’s likely they will do it again.

This can be from little things such as being taken for granted to full blown affairs.

I have seen the most angelic people men and women taking advantage of their partners lack of boundaries, to degrees you would not believe.

This happens because even the most outwardly honest, kind and gentle folk have the capability to go to a place of fear when life does not feel right for them. From this place all that is important to them becomes unimportant in the moment and they can do the most destructive things, they openly admit they are ashamed of.

This is why understanding your core values for life is critical, because when you know your values they will tell you why you feel so bad.

If you feel bad your values will tell you specifically what has happened and why. You are then armed to communicate that to your partner. This level of communication will create a secure, respectful and honest behaviours in both of you.

If more couples would communicate honestly to their partners as things do not feel good, then this would make creating boundaries easier and avoid accumulation of resentment and fears.

I cannot stress enough how important this is to your relationships and your life.

Without knowing you could be teaching your partner how to destroy your relationship because you fear them leaving you, so you’re afraid to be honest with them.

When you do not respect, trust and love YOU how can you expect your partner to.

Far too many people run their relationships from a place of fear. I have seen enough evidence that fear in relationships creates the very thing the individual fears. Plus even if they do manage to stay together, they will always feel that something is not right.

When this happens the passion suffers.

Tell your partner what is critical for you to have in your relationship. Critical means that if you don’t have it the relationship will suffer. For example “I need to be able to trust you” or “I need to feel respected and important to you” Tell your partner what you need, and how they can be successful at giving it to you. When you don’t feel you are getting what you need tell them why.

Most of all, be consistent. If one day you accept behaviours you don’t like, and other days you don’t, you are creating confusion.

Remember your boundaries are there to protect you and to help you grow harmony in your relationships from a place of respect and honesty both for them and you.

With the right boundaries you will feel safer, not only in your relationship, but safer that you can trust you, to respect you and give you what you need to be happy.

How To Stop Arguing?

The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…

…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.

Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.

  • The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?

The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.

Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then you’ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.

Arguments go round in circles

Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.

So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.

This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.

Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.

Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.

So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.

Remember it’s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created that  equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner can’t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.

Invisible Relationship Problems

Is your partner saying they want your relationship to work, and yet their behaviours suggest the reverse. Now you find yourself on red alert, constantly ready for trouble.

If this is happening to you, your natural response will be to mistrust your partners intentions, and react as if they are trying to hurt you on purpose.

As difficult as this may sound your partner maybe be stuck and in need of your help. Helping someone who seems to be choosing to hurt you, goes against everything you have been taught.

The rules for creating successful relationships are not the same as how we deal with people in the rest of our lives.

For example if someone does something wrong we punish them so they won’t do it again and that is the pattern we have all been taught that gets results… but does it?

In relationships punishment never works. That’s because you are making an assumption that you know what your partner is thinking and you understand why they are behaving in a way that hurts you.

Very often people that are down, depressed, or fearful have no idea why they are reacting or behaving the way they are. So if they don’t know what’s going on with them then you have no chance of understanding them either, so making them wrong or judging them is totally unfair and will get you nowhere.

Just because you can’t see a broken limb or an open wound it does not mean they are not suffering and are as confused as you are with them. So when they are placed under pressure either real or created by themselves, they will react or complain seemingly unreasonably.

Just like the person with a broken limb would complain.

It is very likely that if two people are reacting negatively to each other and have been for sometime then the chance is they are both to a greater or lesser degree in the same distorted place both stuck on red alert looking for problems.

  • If this is where you are, one of you has to get sane first and help your partner get back to the true version of them.

Punishment never works so understand that your partner is complaining, because they are in pain. Rather than punishing them and making things worse, help them with the love you say you have for them.

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

Your State Is Deciding Your Future

The states you are in from moment-to-moment is what crafts your life and your destiny. Your states create how you experience the world and how others experience you. So understanding your states and how to control them is critical to everyone’s life.

Every decision and behaviour is created from the state you are in at any given moment in time. So if you are in a fear state, or angry state then you would make very different decisions than if you were in a happy or fun state.

  • Different decisions equals different futures

So what state do you spend most of your time in?

You may have discovered that being tough or angry gets people around you to do things and you like that. Or maybe you live in a depressed state because you get more love or sympathy.

Maybe you are in a negative state where you moan about the world, because this is your best way of connecting with others who also like to moan and so what you get back is a connection.

The question is this…

Is the state you are in most of the time going to give you the life you want?

Many people get stuck in certain states because by creating that state in a critical moment in their past they got something they valued which saved them from being hurt.

Maybe they felt more secure, or more loved, or more significant. Whatever their reason for getting stuck in a particular state can cause long-term problems because that person a can fear without knowing going into other states, through fear of being hurt in some way.

Most people have no idea that they are stuck, but if you were to look back at your life what consistent comments did you get from others and how do you feel inside, because there will be clues.

The biggest problem is when someone is stuck in this state, assumes that the roll of this state is to create a balance in their lives, but this is a poor illusion because this state will only be able to LIMIT them and to limit means to block other possibilities.

The result is a tired and unhappy person, because what they value most can never be achieved and so they fight to craft the world around them to fit how their life should be, but they do it from a place of fear, and no decision from that place will give them the lives they truly want.

  • Thankfully there is a solution to this so if you feel this way,
    or are you living with someone like this please get in touch today.

How To Cope With An Insecure Partner

If you have a partner that feels insecure for any reason then your mission is to find out the route cause and support them through it, without judgement or resentment.

Getting fed-up with your partner or punishing them will never help, because all you will get is more insecurity as they feel you moving further away from them emotionally.

They may become so insecure that they cannot bear the relationship any longer and so they will end it just to stop their own pain so be careful how you handle them.

Relationships that don’t work are 50/50 relationships because these relationship are conditional, on your partner always doing something for you and whilst they are insecure this will be a struggle for them.

Unconditional relationship

What works best is an unconditional relationship, because you are the strong one at this time it is up to you to take control and 100% responsibility for the relationship to make this right in their time of weakness.

If you feel that you cannot offer this unconditional love to your partner then maybe you are a contributor to why they feel a lack of security with you. A lack of  ability to offer a partner unconditional love is driven by a fear within that person.

Your job is to help you partner feel secure every day so ask them what needs to happen so they feel secure and do not judge them, or their answers, because one day you maybe the weak one needing help.

We may not always understand what our partners are going through, so we must respect them at all times, and help them through what may seem ridiculous or irrational to us.

If I please my partner I will hurt myself

If you feel that your partners requests to help them feel secure compromise your own values then it’s possible that professional help maybe needed to help you both.

But again you can seek help yourself so you understand what they are going through and what behaviours you can generate that will support their recovery.

Understand this, the lack of security they might feel is not an attack on you, it is an automatic response mechanism within them designed to protect them from harm and is usually not rational.

So understand that the underlying intention is not to hurt or disrespect you. It is easy to feel that you are not trusted, and as trust is the foundation of your relationship and it’s a hard one to hear if you don’t understand where within them it’s coming from.

  • If you are in this situation and are stuck with what to do,
    please get in contact today please: Click Here.

Sexual Advances Blocked By Her Values

Dear Stephen

A guy that I have known for awhile has made an advance to want to kiss me. I don’t know where I stand with him. We have a platonic friendship – no committed relationship. His past relationships have been shaky – non committal – he has never been married – 50 years old which makes me feel emotionally unsafe with him.

I am interested in a long term relationship and eventually want to marry. I consider kissing very erotic which could lead to becoming sexual which I do not want to do before I am married. I don’t want to compromise my faith in God. I also consider kissing to be a part of a committed, monogamous relationship.

How do I explain all of this to him without being demanding – and thinking that I’m needy for him to want a relationship with me? I want to tell him all of the above and also that he needs to look at himself as to why he has been in and out of relationships all of his life. He needs to do this for himself not for a relationship. I need help in explaining this to him in love and not seeming judgemental. Also, I want to tell him that the relationship that I want is that both partners have the same beliefs and values.

Thank you.

—————————————————————————————-

Thank you for your request for help.

I would firstly like to honour and respect your strong sense of yourself displayed through your beliefs, needs and your values.

You have set these up so well, that they will not allow you to compromises your long-term wishes for yourself and a happy future. This strength within you will allow you to be at one with yourself and all your life choices so this is a brilliant start.

You are also aware that through your feelings of wanting the best for you, you don’t want to be judgemental of him because you are probably aware that you may not understand fully, why he has behaved the way he has through his past relationships.

None of us are qualified to be anyone’s judge, so what we are left with is some questions, that for you, clearly need to be answered before you could ever be happy with this man.

The first question is what has generated a life without commitment for him? Is there a weakness in his values, or has is he also been living by his values, but they are just different to yours? Maybe he has never met someone right for him and he has been true to himself, or maybe he also lives in fear of being hurt, just like you.

Many, many possibilities and this is why a judgement of him is not possible or fair. However you are right to be concerned, because you see he has lived a life which is not like the one you want, and you know that to be happy you would have to share the same vision and values.

You also mention that you don’t want to be demanding. You’re never demanding if all you do is set a boundary of what you will accept. A boundary is a solid and inactive place that protects you, the word demanding is only relevant when someone who is aware of your boundary selfishly takes action and steps over it, again and again. Was he aware of your boundary?

You are in a position of strength here through your beliefs and values so you will never be hurt if you live by them as you are.

An honest conversation with this man outlining your critical needs, will help him understand what he has to do if he wishes to have a relationship with you, this is simply you being “honest” and I know you value that.

As you know he is not qualified to judge you so no matter what his opinion of you after your conversation this could never be respected or trusted.

I have one question for you? He has shown sexual attraction, but does that mean he wants more? Be sure you understand his intention behind his advance, because you maybe rejected through confusion of meaning, is this where your fear sits with him?

Your other option is to wait to see if he makes another advance towards you, if he does then that’s your chance to let him know what is important to you and if he is serious about you what you would like to happen so you can be safe.

If he is an honest, respectful man and he really wants you he will do anything to help you to feel secure with him by giving you what you really need.

Please let us know how you get on.

Stephen Hedger

Passionless Relationship

Are you living in a passionless relationship? Do you want to know why it happened and how to change it? Then please read on…

What happens in most relationships is this. After the initial excitement of meeting each other, feeling that rush of you can’t wait to be together and rip each others clothes off, what happens is life start to take over.

Friends, family, work, bills, hobbies and one day you notice that the passion you both had for each other has changed, and where you used to make time available to be with each other now you are lucky to get any kind of real conversation, let alone instinctive red hot passion.

Something has changed and you can feel it!

Two things have changed, one is the sexual driving, feel good chemicals that are produced when you first met, and secondly the effort that you both put in that helped to create those chemicals.

So what worked really well when you first met you have chosen to change, probably without noticing, or maybe you just expect the passion to die because everyone says it always does. Maybe that advice is coming from everyone who is making the same mistakes and now everyone is lost and agrees that this is what happens as if it is a fact, when it’s just their experience.

What changes is the behaviours of the couple
and it’s this that kills the passion.

You may have worried that maybe the relationship is not right after all and so you went on a search for more problems and it was not long before you found them, because no matter how good any relationship is there will always be problems.

The truth here is whatever you focused on was what you got. Or in other words what you didn’t focus i.e. each other, on you got far less of.

Your energy will go to where your focus is. So remember when you focused all day on seeing him, or her and all you could see in your mind was how beautiful, or handsome your partner was to you, and the adventure that might unfold on your next date. How you did you feel inside? Amazing of course, but when you focused on potential problems, you then felt terrible and attached that feeling to the relationship or your partner without knowing.

The passion in your relationship has not died you have just forgotten to focus on it, because other stuff became important, or maybe you felt that you had to pull yourself together and be careful incase he or she will not hurt you, or maybe feeling sexual all the time was not right, and that is a rule you never knew you had.

The problem is this, when your focus went to a place of pain you can then attached that pain to your partner or those feeling and so you won’t allow that to happen again. Now you have sabotaged your own passion through your thoughts and a focus of fear which you probably made up.

Remember this, your focus is very powerful and can change you whole future and direction, so be sure that this focus is 100% in line with all you value, and does not come from a place of fear, because this will always hurt you and in the context of passion will kill it dead.
AND… The thing that makes any relationship special is that bond of intimacy that is reserved for just the two of you. Without it you are just friends, and is that what you want?

Relationship Fears Explained

What fears does your relationship generate for you, and do you know why this happens?

Do you fear abandonment, intimacy, change, rejection. Maybe you fear not being good enough for your partner.

Relationship Fears Explained: Whatever the reason, feeling fears when you want to feel love is frustrating and upsetting and if persistent can actually create the situation that is feared most.

For example if you really think your partner will leave you, you may try to control them, this then creates conditions that are unbearable to live in and so the relationship has no choice but to fail.

The reason our fears feel so powerful is because they are designed to protect us from life threatening situations. So your fears are not being used for what they were designed for and modern day living has distorted our reflex reactions to our world. We feel under threat and so we react.

If your partner does actually leave you, YOU WON’T DIE, you be hurt and feel loss of course, but you will get bored of feeling this way and will probably get on with life and meet someone new. So your life will not come to an end, yet we feel so powerfully that in that moment it will.

This can create depression, panic attacks and anxiety because our life and survival seems at risk.

When we become fearful our natural reaction is to go back to our childhood responses and so we blame others, lash out, scream, cry, or become unreasonable.

This natural reaction is just an immature version of YOU out of control.

The only way to get in control is to understand that your fears are created by you. NO ONE can make you feel anything. If you think they can then you are believing an illusion created by others who are also lost or feel in fear too.

How to create a fear

Before you are  able to react, what you have to do is turn any situation into a meaning. It is the meaning you have given that situation that has created your reaction and therefore it is you that has scared you.

Because you have never been shown a different way to experience the world you automatically feel an emotion and then attach it to the person that triggered you to create that meaning, and now they are “unfairly” in trouble with you.

By understanding that NO ONE actually makes you feel anything puts you back in control of your life, your feelings and your emotions.

This also helps you connect with the real version of you and now your future and relationship will become very different as you live a life and future in safety free of fear this helps you create different decisions.

Different decisions equals different futures. Your true future is depending on you to live fearlessly because if you don’t then your destiny and life changes to be the one you don’t want.

Make a good decision today!

The Relationship Rules

If you want a lasting passionate relationship, then discover the relationship rules. These are critical for you if you want your relationship to last.

It does not matter if you are dating or in a long-term relationship below are Four Rules that if you don’t follow you can expect pain.

Rule One

Make your partner the most important person in your life. If your partner does not feel significant to you then they will create a fear for their future with you without knowing. This will drive them get these feeling from other people or things such as hobbies or work.

Rule Two

Make your love for them unconditional. No matter what happens I will always love you. When you remove your fears only then will you achieve the unconditional love you desire most. You will find that couples who live with fears, usually have passionless lives as they fear letting go, passionless relationships are dangerous if the couple want to stay together.

Rule Three

Never be your partners judge. Firstly you are not qualified and secondly this means to your partner that you are wanting to control them, or prove that you are better or more important than them. This will result in your partner attaching bad feeling to you, too many of these and they will leave you.

Rule Four

Never assume that your partners intentions are designed to hurt you. If you make assumptions to the intentions of your partner then expect their trust in you go. They will learn that you are too ready look for ways to not trust them. This will result in them feeling bad attaching those feeling to you and what you fear most you will create.


When you bring negativity into a relationship of any kind then expect your partner to attach bad feelings to you. If they feel bad about themselves around you for long enough they will leave you.

The Chemistry Has Gone Will It Come Back

If you have discovered that the chemistry has gone in your relationship, discover what’s happening and what to do to change it.

People in new relationships experience a powerful natural high where the excitement of a new person they are attracted to drives their hormones so crazy they can’t think straight.

They feel a massive magnetic pull that seems to be out of their control and so they can’t get enough of each other.

So what is really happening? Nature is very smart. There are explosions of feel good, mood changing chemicals are surging into the body from the  brain. The individuals both love the feelings these chemicals create and so they attach these feeling to each other.

What the couple don’t know is, it’s the feeling that their own chemicals give them is what they like. Their new partner is simply the trigger.

Fears stop the feel good chemicals flowing

This excitement about their new partner will change as soon as one person in the couple starts to create a fear, or insecurity about themselves, or they may fear getting emotionally hurt if they get too attached or can see a future they don’t like.

Their body in this fear state now starts to release a very different chemical, and this one does not feel good at all. They then attach this feeling to their partner and this creates a very different mood between them.

This changes their behavior and so now what started at as an attachment of passion and excitement is now an attachment of fear that will drive them away from the relationship. This happens in established relationships too.

If they feel too fearful they will stop calling or become distant. This may result in the rejected party chasing to get them back to that fun place.

The more they chase the further and faster they will run. So if this has happened to you, careful communication is critical.

You need to show you care, but allow them space to get over their fears and come back to you when they are ready. If you try to force someone in a fear state to come back they will only attach more fears to being with you!

The great fun sexual chemistry will come back as soon as they are over the fears they have attached to you being with you.

Once they are over this stage and you have helped and respected their feelings and fears then when they come back your relationship will be much stronger than it was before.

So keep a cool head and give your new date or partner, space and time to want to be with you.

I remember in my early 20′s a girl finished with me and so I sent her flowers and thanked her for the time we had and left it there.

Four weeks later she told me she made a mistake and wanted me back.

She created a fear and then made me responsible for it. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you conduct yourself and if you are always true to who you really are then you can’t go wrong.

Remember: You will only lose the ones that were never right for you.

How to communicate with women

One of the biggest complaints I hear from men is how hurt they are at the words that their wives use. Men hear the words that women use and take them quite literally.

  • For example: You never pay me a compliment! The woman will be focused on wanting to be appreciated loved and feel attractive to her husband. The man however will be focused on the word

7 Reasons: How You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know. What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together it the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is controlling what you think and do.

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give.

5. If you dislike who you become in their company

6. You have real evidence that you cannot trust your partner.

7. Addiction to substances or gambling.

Here is a bonus one for you to consider

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, but you are not sure what. Register on the right for a free coaching session with me and you could just discover why you feel this way.