The art of understanding the woman you say you love

If you want to master this skill, the starting point is to remove your judgement of her words and actions, trust me here, because the cost to you is huge.

The reason I ask this is because if your judge her by your own emotional filters, the meanings you will put to her words and behaviors will not reflect her intent, they would reflect your intent if you were to behave that way.

To clarify you can’t translate her behaviors and give those behaviors a meaning and then make her responsible for your meaning. [Read more...]

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…”

Many couples that come to me with relationship problems usually have one person who is more shut down than the other.

This person is usually in a state of confusion, not sure if they want the relationship or not. They have feelings of love from the past, but right now they are confused because they resent their partner for helping them to feel so miserable.

They have plenty of evidence that on some level their partner cannot be trusted.

Right now all they want to do is escape the pain they feel.

To them breaking up seems like the only option.

No matter what has happen between this couple this relationship can be saved with the right approach.

The hurdles to get over are firstly that what they believe about the relationship and themselves.

Many of them are waiting to feel feelings of love for their partner, but they don’t and so they assume the relationship for them is dead. They feel emotionally shut down at this point.

We have all experienced things that we did not want to do and then afterwards we discovered we actually really enjoyed it.

The gym is a prime example, sex is another, we all put off doing things because we want to feel great about doing them before we do it.

Relationships are no different. The problems is when we first met our partners we did not have to do anything to feel amazing and the explosion of chemicals we felt was automatic.

Nature designed us that way, but even nature can’t keep that intensity going and so the relationship changes and we have to do things to feel great again.

So waiting to feel love after months of battling is unlikely, but if one of you got sane fast and became the best partner you could be first, before you felt what you think you should feel, you just maybe surprised what happens next.

Too many couples use taking love away as a weapon to teach their partner a lesson and all this does is to trigger fear states in each other, the future does not feel secure at all when couple do this.

The faster couples learn that the answers are in giving love, and not in punishment the faster they will receive the love they crave.

Is this you, or do you know a couple that are doing this if so, take action fast.

Your mind is complicated and believing all you think is sometimes dangerous.

What do you have to lose? After all you think the relationship is dead so you can’t lose that, so all you could lose is time.

It’s better to lose a little time than spend a life time regretting what you did from a place of fear which is likely to be where you are.

What is love?

It’s interesting that so many people use the word love yet when challenged have no real explanation for what it really means. Yet we long to hear those words, especially from those we care about.

So when a couple in crisis communicates words like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” the recipient is usually left confused. What does he or she mean?

I remember asking a group of ladies if their version of love was different to their partners how would that feel. The body language was very telling as all the women looked uncomfortable as they shifted instantly in their seats.

Love is one of those powerful words we all seem to accept yet struggle to really understand.

What you’ll notice is that love is a direct link to powerful emotions that sit inside us.  So the feelings of love are created by us and we attach those feelings to what is helping us to feel good about ourselves usually our partners. Those specific feelings are unique to us.

What we feel and how we get to love is different in all of us. Some people can only connect to love if they feel significant or secure. These people will struggle because they will not feel secure or significant all the time. So their connection to love is intermittent for them, this is scary and so they test the relationship, become very demanding or overly control in some way.

These people can be so demanding that they destroy the love they fear losing.

So the more someone can help us to feel great about ourselves in the way we want them to, in the context of them, the higher the chances of us having feelings of love for them.

This is why so many couples struggle to maintain their love for each other, as time goes on they stop helping their partner to feel amazing about themselves.

The love the couple felt inside then starts to fade, but they are confused, because they remember feeling powerful love in the context of their partner. So even though they don’t feel good they stay and find other ways to feel good again.

This is why they say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” They are telling the truth, they used to feel love, but today they don’t.

The question is, ‘can this be changed?’ The simple answer is yes, but it’s easier if both people want to bring the love back.

As you can see getting to love is complex and is further confused by nature who has designed us to have instant feelings of love (so we are driven to procreate) that are so powerful that we feel love for people who we are massively attracted hence the huge sexual drive in the early days months of our relationships.

But of course nature never intended us to then live together, but society has conditioned us that we should.
Without this knowledge life long commitments can be made with people who we were never designed to spend our lives with.

All of this is the reason why getting to know us and how we work is critical before we embark on life long relationships. Because if we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves all we need then a life partner becomes a value-add to our lives.

We then know at this stage how to create relationship boundaries that are designed for success and love can then flow without fear, this is called unconditional love…

…and unconditional love is what we all desire.

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.