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The most common skill that is lacking in almost every couple I see is their inability to understand their partners’ world.

BUT…

…it’s not their fault.

Nowhere in our education system or from parents are we taught how to really understand another person’s experience. We assume the way the world works for us is roughly the same for others.

If you want a lifelong passionate relationship then understanding your partner’s emotional experience and how they interpret their world it is going to be a critical skill to learn before you can achieve a successful life together. [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

#693: Couples in crisis naturally question compatibility

It’s natural to question if you married the right person when you have been suffering in your relationship. Some people suffer due to instant breaches of trust such as affairs. Some people suffer for years through stacking resentments towards their partner.

If you have ever questioned your compatibility and are concerned about the future, what you are about to read could be worth considering.

Incompatibility can come in many forms, so I will outline a few that cause couples a challenge.

  • Different life goals: – Mission/life purpose – Geography – Parenting styles
  • Sexually misaligned: [Read more...]

Attraction Attraction Attraction

What you are about to read is an important foundation that helps couples migrate from crisis to reconnection. So if saving your relationship is your goal then this will be important to learn.

Attraction is a critical part of what makes couples successful and this goal sits as a key objective when I’m working with couples who have lost their way. I know many people will think I’m talking just about physical attraction and to some degree that is important, BUT physical attraction is just one small part of the mix.

When couples first meet and that meeting generates an energy that both people enjoy, their attraction to each other is automatic, it’s an energy that naturally happens within them both.  [Read more...]

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sense of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomenon where even though we speak the same language in our case English we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this critical understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up, we create a map which helps us make sense of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someone’s map? The map is the sum total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this, we will create totally unique needs.

Plus your map of the world is experienced through your emotional state at any given time. So any event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change to create different meanings.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will also be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop being so present and this creates a feeling of being disconnected, this can create fear with her that she is not loved or not enough.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way although she will be looking for find ways to make sure he protects her.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation, there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling of not being enough at some point in our lives and this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case, an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place, you have less fear and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

Is communication destroying your relationship?

Have you ever noticed that your partner just doesn’t understand you? Have you ever noticed that you can say something and they can then make you responsible for a totally different set of words that you never said?

One of the biggest complaints I hear is that my partner doesn’t understand me. This feeling can create all sorts of problems so a relationship becomes more full of words that are not spoken than one that are. The reason is the couple stop communicating because the process of speaking becomes just too painful.

Of course this is a massive problem and creates a loss of connection and love.

So why does this happen? The reason is men and women have totally different communication styles and so when each other speaks what happens is they have to translate each others words into their own meaning, they then make their partner responsible for their own translation.

IMPORTANT: So when your partner speaks are you translating their words into your own meaning and then blaming your partner for your translation of their words?

Many couples in arguments complain to each other, “…that’s not what I said” or “…that’s not what I meant!”

I have watched couples do this live in my sessions, so I slow down the process so they understand what they are doing. For example we pick a topic that is causing them some problems and I ask the man to explain his take on the problem, I then ask the woman to then translate what she heard and the meaning she put to it.

We then hear the woman communicate back something totally different much to the surprise of the man.

Of course this happens in reverse too.

Relationship test to try at home

Try this out for yourself, pick a topic which you know has been a challenge for you both and see if when you speak your partner translates your words back to you in the way you meant it.

Are their words in line with what you meant or are they totally different?

If they are totally different then you know there is a challenge and this could be causing more problems than is necessary.

So what is the solution

The solution is simple know that your translation of what they say is not going to be correct or what they meant. So it is important to not react negatively or assume your partner is out to hurt you.

Find out what they mean and trust that what they say they meant is the correct translation after all their words have come from their thoughts not yours.