Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

Should I break up with my partner?

Many people unhappy in their relationship get to the point where they start to seriously wonder, “…should I break up with my partner?” Husband, Wife, Girlfriend, Boyfriend whoever you are there comes a point in your relationship where this question comes up.

There is a whole variety of reactions to this question.

  • Some just feel so bad so they bolt from the relationship.
  • Some wait a while, on the look out for more proof they are incompatible.
  • Some put their head in the sand and focus on friends, family, or work in the hope it will sort itself out.
  • Some separate hoping the space will help them miss each other, or give them time to reflect on what feels right now they are out of the pressure cooker.

Does any of this work?

The chances of this really working is slim, because the reason the couple were having problems has not been addressed. The reason is because the couple will be totally unaware of what is driving them at a subconscious level. This means behaviours and feelings are being created without conscious thought. [Read more...]

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

Are Your Fears Destroying Your Relationship?

Everyone one has fears, and in relationships where people are out of control of what their partners could do, can experience their fears can becoming significantly magnified.

  • The most common fear is that we will on some level will not being enough for our partners!

When we feel this way we can start to change our behaviours to balance out our feelings or fears. Unfortunately the feelings of creating balance is an illusion and what really happens is a pathway to creating the very thing we fear.

For example a person who fears their partner leaving them might display some of the behaviours below.

  • This person could experience uncontrollable jealousy
  • They might become very involved in what their partner does
  • The could subject their partner to a barrage of texts, emails, phone calls
  • They could constantly seek approval or significance
  • They may even start to shut down emotionally to block our their feelings if it gets really intense

The problem with these behaviours is the person who on the receiving end of this can feel they are not trusted, and as trust is one of the key foundations of any relationship the relationship can start to feel unstable.

This results in them both acting in fear states as they can now both fear the relationship ending, or not being how it should be and so they both go into self-protection as they can no longer see a future that’s either happy or together.

In these fear states the couple can start to take control in many different ways. Unfortunately the fear states they are in does not usually create an environment of growth and so the relationship starts to die.

So the possible feelings of not being enough start to come true.

Fears can generate the total reverse of what
a relationship needs to grow and survive.

Both people can start to attach resentment to each other as they stop feeling secure. The passion will start to fade and this can be dangerous for the relationship as both parties still have needs that have to be met. They stop feeling important to each other and they feel their connection starts to fade.

Many couples will start to notice that the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs and so they discover that they go outside of the relationship to feel good again.

  • At this point they can conclude that the relationship is no longer working.

Is this where you are? Would you like to change this? Maybe you are fearful and you want to control it but you don’t know how. If so get in touch today!