What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

“My marriage is over!”

I was sat with a lady a few months ago she was telling me that her marriage had run its course. She said it’s sad but these things happen.

When I asked her how she knew this was true she told me her feelings had changed and she was no longer attracted to her husband.

So I asked her “what created your feelings?”

She looked blankly at me.

It’s an important question. If someone is going to break up a 12-year marriage and upset children with a life-changing decision for everyone isn’t it important to understand?

Exactly how were her feelings created? [Read more...]

Why do people leave their marriages?

When you start to understand the real reasons why people leave marriages then you can start to create the solutions that work.

Affairs, money problems, boredom, power struggles, loss of love, loss of passion, loss of trust these are all symptoms of the real problem.

I see so many couples who have suffered for years with each other and within a short space of time have successfully reconnected. Their problems are diverse and their solutions were all different, but they all had the same deep-rooted problems.

What’s the hidden problem?

What is it that’s causing us so much pain and disconnection? Do people just naturally fall out of love or is there more to this than meets the eye? [Read more...]

She told him she was unhappy with him…

I first spoke to this lady over the phone in 2014 she told me her husband thought she was being ridiculous we don’t have a problem you are just being overdramatic. She was unhappy as she was suffering and her husband didn’t seem to care.

I told her to come in to see me sadly she didn’t want to come without her husband and he refused to attend – a mistake he would live to regret.

For years this lady had suffered from her husband who was so engrossed in his work she felt lost and alone.

To be clear he wasn’t abusive, he didn’t have an affair on the surface they had a perfect life and he was an amazing provider.

For him being successful at work was his mission. He had built his company from nothing to give them the most amazing life. [Read more...]

“We need a second opinion fast! – We’ve been told we should divorce?”

“You need to divorce!” This was the message a couple was given by a lady that had been helping them through their marital crisis.

A couple came to me with this story not sure what to do.

It’s an important story to share because ending a marriage is life changing. With so many people making mistakes they end up regretting it’s so important for couples to get to grips with why they are really in trouble.

It’s also important that you get the right help for your specific challenge. I remember another couple sharing with me a story where they got into deeper crisis by trying to fix what they thought was a sexual problem with a sex therapist.

Logical thought as they were not having sex… BUT! – The real problem they had was rooted in a deep emotional disconnection and this was causing their sexual disconnection.

So they briefed someone to help them fix a symptom rather than a cause. This nearly broke that marriage.

So back to the first couple – this is what this couple shared with me… [Read more...]

Stuck in a marriage with negative behavioural patterns

Three couples finished their marriage breakthrough program with me this week. Their individual challenges were a dramatic loss of trust, loss of love and an affair. Each one was on the edge of divorce with both people suffering not sure which way to turn. Each couple reported to me their relationship is now significantly better than it’s ever been.

Thankfully these couples and their children now have a future that makes sense. For them it’s a huge relief they are out of their own personal hell and now living confident relationships.

To help these couples out of hell one of their challenges was due to very negative spirals they didn’t know how to deal with. Each couple had different patterns and for very different reasons.

Their patterns had to be interrupted and reconfigured so they could successfully reconnect. [Read more...]

“A path to a better relationship in 2018″

There is no question that creating a lifelong relationship is a significant challenge. So many couples are having problems because they are missing so much information when they first start their relationship which they are going to need for it to survive.

Sadly they don’t know this when they get together. Few people are looking for this critical information because the start of the relationship is giving them most if not all of what they need to feel happy.

So naturally, who wants to fix a problem we don’t have? Totally makes sense – right!

Unfortunately, many of us have been sold on the “happy ever after” not aware that we need a to approach our relationship in a very different way to ensure both people remain connected and excited for life. [Read more...]

“The meanings we create about our relationship becomes the bridge to either lasting love or divorce”

Lifelong researchers of the life cycle of marriages and intimate relationships know that certain common characteristics sit in all the couples that end up in divorce – contempt, lack of kindness, loss of compassion all sit at the core.

My burning question was what is it that takes couples that have freely chosen to live a life together to then move towards such destructive behaviours?

The answer to this question is critical if couples wish to protect their marriage from future problems and it’s a fundamental must if a couple in crisis are going to rebuild their marriage from their crisis.

What sits at the core of a couples challenges is fear. Fear I’m not enough, fear I’m not loved are very common and powerful themes, however, we all have our own unique fear machine and unique triggers that lead us to pain. [Read more...]

“Should I be in this marriage?” She asked

So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?

They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.

I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.

As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.

I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life. [Read more...]

Resentments high and passion low?

When married life is NOT turning out to be the way they hoped, it’s natural for people to stack resentments towards their partner. This has the ability to have a powerfully destructive effect on the marriage of most couples without them knowing.

In today post I’m going to talk about a powerfully hidden force that couples don’t discover until it’s too late.

When a person stacks resentment towards their partner they start to create negative attachments with their partner and their relationship.

The resentments will move them towards creating an automatic filter that converts most things in the relationship into a negative experience.

Their husband or wife can start to feel that nothing they do works or is ever good enough. [Read more...]

The Sex-Starved Relationship

So who is to say how much sex is the right amount of sex for couples in committed long-term relationships? There are many theories, but whatever the frequency and level of engagement it’s important they are on the same page and happy. 

Research is telling us that a significant amount couples are disappointment with their sex lives. Some focused on quantity some on quality and some just grateful for whatever is on offer with an ongoing hint of resentment.

Some want a richer and more passionate sexual connection but are afraid to bring up their true needs and desires through fear of not being loved or accepted.

Some are just not interested and see sex as just sex so not very important, totally unaware of the suffering their partner is feeling each time they are rejected. So for some, they will give up asking and start detaching. [Read more...]

“Is it possible for dead relationships to be reignited?”

One gentleman reluctantly came to see me with his wife because he was considering getting out of his marriage. He said he had lost feelings for his wife. 

She loved him but on exploring their marriage I could see that she had been cycling between detaching and trying to keep the marriage alive because they have had problems for years.

The last year was particularly bad they both agreed.

I said to him that leaving a marriage and his children were going to be life-changing for everyone so was a massive step that could affect them all for years.

I asked him if he knew how his feelings had been created? Specifically, the feelings that are making him want to leave his wife.

He looked confused.

“I just feel what I feel,” he said

“I understand that, but do you know how your feelings have been created?” [Read more...]

“We are at breaking point – I just can’t continue like this…”

When someone comes to me with this message what they are after is CERTAINTY – they want me to help them out of this private hell and into a better life.

They want the pain to stop. It’s likely they have been in emotional pain and suffering for a while, some can feel themselves emotionally detaching from their partner.

In their hearts, they know that life shouldn’t be this way, but they are paralysed not sure what to do for the best. Whichever way they turn there is either more pain and suffering or total uncertainty.

They may have tried to talk about it, but they are likely to become more frustrated as they go round in circles, but not really knowing why.

Both people are likely to be exhausted with it all so they end up seeking ways to meet their needs outside of the relationship.

So what do they do? Can they be helped? [Read more...]

Change the patterns of behaviour that are hurting your relationship

We all have behaviour patterns that help us lead efficient lives. We don’t want to think about which shoe we always put on first. BUT… What we do need to look at is the habitual patterns we have that are damaging our lives and our relationships.

Many people are totally unaware of how their actions are leading themselves to an unhappy place. With some basic knowledge of what’s really going on they can develop new and powerful skills that can grow both themselves and their relationships.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed once you know why it’s there. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought and will defend it. [Read more...]

20 Relationship Facts Most People Don’t Know Are Damaging

Below is a list of challenges many people are not aware of that can have a profound affect on the quality of their relationship. It’s not in any kind of order so I wonder how many you are aware of.

1. If you protect yourself from the person you married the love will slowly die, this because you can’t love your partner and protect yourself from them at the same time.

2. Many women criticise their husbands because they think their husband will hear them and change. Criticism for men creates emotional distance from their wife, not a desire to change in the way she wants.

3. When women in relationships enter rage at their husbands they can communicate every wrong (in her mind) he has ever done, she can put it in the most hurtful way and not let it go. Men hear this this as an attack he has to protect himself from. [Read more...]

Losing your identity in a marriage

Losing who you are is a very common problem especially for couples who spend extended time struggling to deal with their ongoing disconnection.

Many people can find they have lost a sense of who they are because over the years they have bent themselves out of shape to try to either please their partner, or be who they they think their partner wants them to be.

I see so many people who have lost who they are in their marriage and this can be devastating for this person and their partner as the relationship is starved of what it really needs to survive.

People who lose who they are suffer greatly.

Losing your essence is emotionally exhausting because whichever way they turn life can feel wrong this can be very frightening for that person. [Read more...]

“My partner doesn’t want to attend couples counselling – what do I do?”

What do you do when one person is desperate to get professional help and the other person will not go? I know for many this situation is so frustrating because they feel so stuck. 

Far too many people wait until they are on the edge of divorce before they are willing to seek help and this causes them significant stress that could have been avoided.

Fortunately there is a solution to help you be heard…

Before i jump into this post I wanted to give you two pieces of news.

  1. The better relationship program offer ends in 6 days – please hurry I only offer this program twice per year. Click here to attend
  2. I have now opened my home in Oxfordshire for couples to spend time with me in addition to my Harley Street office.

In todays post I thought it might be useful to expand on this topic of a partner blocking attending counselling, because I hear this so many times.

There are many reasons that can sit behind this specific problem. [Read more...]

“Cloe said to me…”

I was at home catching up with Cloe (for new subscribers Cloe is my beautiful wife) about another couple who I’ve helped through a very traumatic breakdown in their marriage caused by infidelity – they asked for something really interesting…

***Before I continue with this story I do have an offer at the end of the post. It’s an offer I run twice per year only.***

So back to this couple – with a young family at stake I really wanted to support them to find their truth as they were so close to the edge of divorce.

(Infidelity is one of those situation where unless the couple successfully deal with what’s happened the resentment can linger for years later – slowly eating away at the marriage.) [Read more...]