Relationship Test: 12 Common ways couples are disconnecting

With no educational system in place for what it takes to keep a marriage alive for life, we are left with couples really doing their best.

Sadly this is usually not enough to keep their connection and passion alive. So couples can unwittingly break their connection without meaning to leading to a build-up of negative energy that couples attach to each other.

So below I’m going to share some of the common mistakes couples are making without knowing.

THE RELATIONSHIP TEST below is designed to help couples understand how many of these points below are in your marriage so you can start to open up communication at home? [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

“Understanding this changed his whole life” He lived this every day and never knew.

His life was falling apart. His relationship was over his business was on its knees nothing was working and he was not just depressed he suffering severe anxiety.

How do you come back from that?

When he came to me on the back of months of what he described as lost in darkness after he had to leave the marital home.

I knew what he really wanted but he had no map to achieve his goal.

He wanted his marriage back but I could see he had no internal map of how to build love he only understood how to take it – this was a very childlike model.

He was convinced his marriage was over so it didn’t form part of his brief to me to help him rebuild his life. [Read more...]

“10 reasons why couples don’t make it”

There are now well over 800 pages in this website helping any reader to become curious about their relationship why they work and why they fail. People from all over the world are now attending meetings with me to gain solutions to seemingly impossible marital problems.

In today’s post, I’m going to be sharing some key thinking that helps couples to keep their relationship alive with some thoughts on the cost of not applying these to a marriage.

1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you

2. Never make your partner wrong

3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)

4. Never pull your love away

5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!

6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life

7. Always make your partners needs your needs too

8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves

9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)

10. Always make time for your relationship every day [Read more...]

What does a successful relationship really look like?

Over the years of working with couples in crisis, my mission has been to help couples in crisis learn if they have the ability to breakthrough their problems and really make their relationship work.

  • Couples who have split up and physically separated have discovered how to reconnect physically and emotionally.
  • Couples who have fallen foul of an affair learn how it happened and how to rebuild their relationship and trust in each other.
  • Couples who have lost passion for each other have discovered how their unique attraction is created, what kills it and how to keep it alive for life.

All these couples have learnt how to communicate, how to grow closer through conflict and how to build a compelling future together.

You see the objective is to take couples with little hope for a future together and help them build a compelling future one they can both look forward to. [Read more...]

Foundations of successful marriages

There is no question that a significant percentage of the population is struggling to understand how to keep their marriage alive because they are missing the foundation you are about to read about.

By alive I mean passionate and emotionally connected whilst both excited about their future and purpose for being together.

So why is this so difficult for so many?

The real reason is simple…

It takes very little skill to fall in love but it takes real understanding to keep a loving passionate connection alive for life.

Building a successful marriage takes an understanding of critical foundations that if constantly practised gives couples a significantly better chance of keeping a marriage alive for life. [Read more...]

WHY are we struggling to fix our marriage problems?

In today’s post, I’m going to present some typical scenarios I might see in couples crisis meetings.

Once you have scanned through them I’m going to offer you some thoughts that are important to consider that could affect your future.

Here goes….

  • Why does a man keep his relationship alive with his wife for 20 years only to tell her out of the blue he wants a divorce?
  • Why does a woman become negative and controlling in her marriage?
  • Why does she never let go of anything?
  • Why does he diminish her feelings and never listen to her?
  • Why does a woman have a three-year affair and then spend every waking hour trying to save her relationship from divorce when he finds out? [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage? Get on the Same Page FAST!

The most common skill that is lacking in almost every couple I see is their inability to understand their partners’ world.

BUT…

…it’s not their fault.

Nowhere in our education system or from parents are we taught how to really understand another person’s experience. We assume the way the world works for us is roughly the same for others.

If you want a lifelong passionate relationship then understanding your partner’s emotional experience and how they interpret their world it is going to be a critical skill to learn before you can achieve a successful life together. [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]

He was visibly shocked: Transformation out of depression and anxiety

What do you do when you can feel your life is falling apart and you don’t know why or how to stop it?

Earlier this year a gentleman attended a meeting with me. He told me two years ago a couple who were his friends had come to see me and because they were delighted with their transformation they both said he must come and get my help as his marriage was suffering.

He said he didn’t know why it had taken so long to book in but he said he was now in so much pain and suffering he couldn’t see a way out and didn’t think anyone could help.

As he shared his story I could hear he was very stuck.

He was CEO of a tech company BUT he rarely went to work because he lived with terrible anxiety and depressive moods.

His business was suffering massively as a result.

He had also moved out of his family home as the marriage became impossible for them both.

He suffered from such bad reactions to his family even his children struggled with him and he was losing a relationship with them all. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

“I don’t have a voice in my relationship”

I see many couples where one person has kept quiet about their own personal suffering in their marriage and it’s devastating for the marriage and can lead the couple into crisis.

  • I see men that say nothing because for him a problem shared is a problem doubled.
  • I see women who once tried to be open with their husband only to discover she’s not emotionally safe when she does.
  • I see individuals that have no voice in their marriage because they have lost connection with themselves.
  • I see people who don’t know how to verbalise their real needs so they suffer in silence.
  • I see people who have had traumatic pasts and they lock those pasts away but still suffer the effects in silence.
  • I see people who have experienced affairs that no longer talk about it but it’s still alive in their marriage years later.
  • I see so many people who don’t say a word because they feel there is no point, some had learnt to keep quiet as children and some learnt it in the marriage.

Here are some REAL LIFE examples of silence leading to a crisis: [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]

Why do so many couples struggle to communicate?

Have you ever wondered why so many intimate couples across the globe are struggling to get through to each other?

Effective communication for so many couples can seem almost impossible but it’s, of course, critical for the health and longevity of the relationship.

Couples that can’t communicate can find they lose trust and respect for each other as they try to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partners attack on their character.

Some go round in circles, some have the same argument over and over, some bicker about everything and anything and some just give up.

If you were to speak to both parties they will be 100% convinced they are being clear and yet their partner can take their words and make them mean something totally different.

Some people are so flabbergasted by their partners’ behaviours they embark on a quest to help them become more like them because life would be easier that way. Be more like me is their solution and is usually a recipe for disaster.  [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Relationships suffer without this…

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships. As I watch couple after couple go through my programs I see really lovely people who despite doing their best are living their own personal hell.

All these people have made themselves incompatible without meaning to. They never set out to harm their marriage, but the marriage is breaking down and they are suffering not knowing what to do.

Some try to bury their heads, some keep trying and inevitably some become so emotionally empty they can give up through exhaustion.

The paths to relationship trauma are varied, so the solution for each couple has to be different however the goal/destination for all these couples is the same. [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

“I can’t see a way forward – I want a divorce!”

karen kennaby

Testimonial by Karen Kennaby

Less than 3 months ago I told my husband of nearly 10 years that I wanted a divorce. This wasn’t a sudden decision I had been unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage for a very long time and I couldn’t see any way forward. I certainly couldn’t imagine “celebrating” our 10-year anniversary in 4 months from then.

This wasn’t the first time I’d brought this up but this time I was adamant that we had come to the end of the road, it was a very painful conversation. My husband didn’t accept it – at all.

We agreed to seek help.

Neither of us had any faith in traditional marriage counselling, both having experienced it in previous marriages. But being a “veteran” coach myself I DO have great belief in the power of highly experienced coaching as a means to moving through major challenges and creating transformation – I’ve seen it time and again with my own clients.

[Read more...]

“The root cause of marriage problems”

Getting to the root of the problem has to be the goal for any couple in crisis. So many couples are struggling because as they try to fix their problems they notice it gets worse. This means they are either fixing their problem badly, or they are fixing the wrong problem.

For some couples, they stop trying to fix it and it silently deteriorates and others can have one person who is in denial that they even have a problem.

My advice is any problem no matter how small are signals that a change is required, the key to your success is understanding the correct change to make and then take action. This is why I work on a diagnose and prescribe model to help couples get out of trouble fast.

Many simply can’t believe their partner can’t understand what seems so simple to them.

  • Some couples are having the same arguments so they think they understand what the root problem is.
  • Some couples don’t argue at all, so they are confused as to why the relationship is even struggling.
  • Some couples are having very different arguments so even though they are unhappy nothing seems to be at the cause.

The root cause is so important to get to because if you fix a symptom the root problem will only create a different symptom. [Read more...]

What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]