“Just tell me what to do – I’m in a broken marriage?”

A person in a marital crisis is going to be looking for answers to stop their pain and get out of their suffering. Do I stay do I go? Do I fight for my marriage, or do I start again and what about the children?

I deal with some of the most severe cases of marital crisis right on the edge of divorce.

What these people are looking for is certainly – they want to know what to do?

I set my practice up NOT to blindly fix couples problems but to give the couple the knowledge and the tools to understand the crisis they are in and gain the skills to understand what it takes to rebuild trust and repair the damage for good.

This empowers two intelligent people to make the right decision with the rest of their lives. For most, it’s to stay together and for some parting is the right decision.  [Read more...]

Stuck in a broken marriage?

So many couples are suffering in a marriage that doesn’t work for them because they don’t have the knowledge or skills needed to keep their connection alive.

It’s true keeping a passionate relationship for life is complex but it’s made significantly harder if trial and error is the model.

We do NOT have natural skills for keeping passion and love alive in a relationship this is why so many are suffering.

So couples need new information so they can effectively navigate the natural problems all couples experience.

To achieve this, there has to be a mindset shift to see a new way forward. The reason so many couples are suffering is that they are in emotional states that keep leading them to the same destructive patterns.

These destructive patterns need to be interrupted and replaced. [Read more...]

Cloé said to me “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”

I’m not sure I quoted her correctly but my wife Cloé quoted these words to me a few weeks ago, and it instantly resonated with me in the context of what makes a successful marriage.

Most people know that marriages have the potential to lose their passion and connection over time, but they don’t know why or how to reignite what they first had when it drifts away.

The key to this problem is in learning new skills and gaining the tools that enable them to navigate the ups and downs, so they always settle back into a loving fun connection no matter what hits them.

Couples that can do this are sadly in the minority.

Anyone can have a successful marriage if there don’t seem to be any problems, but this can be a potential ticking bomb because all couples will have problems at some point.  [Read more...]

“My biggest life lesson”

Last year one gentleman asked me a great question. He said “…you deal with couples and individuals with all manner of problems and personal fears, what do you fear the most?

This was a great question, and the answer was simple.

“I would fear not being able to be my true self in the life that I have chosen.” Many people are in pain because they are loving kind caring people, but for some reason, they can’t be this in their marriage, and so they suffer.

This is one of the core problems so many couples have in their life, but it expands far further than just their relationships.

So many people are afraid to embrace their true potential, and this can affect everything. [Read more...]

Natures cruellest trick is creating consistent marital stress

Virtually every person that comes into my programs is looking for me to change their partners’ behaviours. I have rarely heard the message “my marriage is in crisis, can you help me become a better husband or wife?”

This is a shame because becoming an effective partner really is the only thing we are 100% in control of. Trying to control someone or manipulate them so they behave the way we want never works out well but sadly couples keep trying this process even though the result is bad for them both.

So the trend of message I receive is “…we’ll have a better relationship if you can fix my partner”.

He’s a bully or she’s too controlling, he’s emotionally absent or she’s got anger problems.

The ping-pong of criticism doesn’t help the couple become effective team members of their relationship. [Read more...]

The MAPS you’ll need to prevent a divorce

Today’s post is going to be a little different, I’m going to be sharing one of the key focuses I use to help couples reconnect even after years of disconnection.

One of the things we need to change in these couples is the way they think about their relationship, themselves and their partner. This needs to happen because they won’t be aware that their historical thinking is part of why they are in trouble.

So I’ll start with this thought…

If you were in New York and lost and someone handed you a map of Paris could you rely on that map of Paris to help you to make good decisions and take you to were you want to go in New York?

It’s obvious this simply wouldn’t work yet not understanding this concept is leading couples to rely on the wrong maps and this is leading so many to divorce for the wrong reason.

I’ll explain… [Read more...]

The worst personality trait that must be solved for the marriage to survive

Last year I was working with a gentleman who was a stunt pilot. He was a really great guy but he suffered from a severe problem and he was not aware of it. In fact, he was convinced his wife was the problem.

His marriage would never work if he kept this problem. As you scan this post you discover what happened to change this gentleman’s thinking – he was visibly shocked.

His problem is a problem I see a lot in varying degrees in my meeting with couples and can affect both men and women.

The root problem is rigidity in the persons thinking. In essence, the person thinks they are right and they will fight to protect those thoughts. [Read more...]

Relationship Test: 12 Common ways couples are disconnecting

With no educational system in place for what it takes to keep a marriage alive for life, we are left with couples really doing their best.

Sadly this is usually not enough to keep their connection and passion alive. So couples can unwittingly break their connection without meaning to leading to a build-up of negative energy that couples attach to each other.

So below I’m going to share some of the common mistakes couples are making without knowing.

THE RELATIONSHIP TEST below is designed to help couples understand how many of these points below are in your marriage so you can start to open up communication at home? [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

“Understanding this changed his whole life” He lived this every day and never knew.

His life was falling apart. His relationship was over his business was on its knees nothing was working and he was not just depressed he suffering severe anxiety.

How do you come back from that?

When he came to me on the back of months of what he described as lost in darkness after he had to leave the marital home.

I knew what he really wanted but he had no map to achieve his goal.

He wanted his marriage back but I could see he had no internal map of how to build love he only understood how to take it – this was a very childlike model.

He was convinced his marriage was over so it didn’t form part of his brief to me to help him rebuild his life. [Read more...]

“10 reasons why couples don’t make it”

There are now well over 800 pages in this website helping any reader to become curious about their relationship why they work and why they fail. People from all over the world are now attending meetings with me to gain solutions to seemingly impossible marital problems.

In today’s post, I’m going to be sharing some key thinking that helps couples to keep their relationship alive with some thoughts on the cost of not applying these to a marriage.

1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you

2. Never make your partner wrong

3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)

4. Never pull your love away

5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!

6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life

7. Always make your partners needs your needs too

8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves

9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)

10. Always make time for your relationship every day [Read more...]

What does a successful relationship really look like?

Over the years of working with couples in crisis, my mission has been to help couples in crisis learn if they have the ability to breakthrough their problems and really make their relationship work.

  • Couples who have split up and physically separated have discovered how to reconnect physically and emotionally.
  • Couples who have fallen foul of an affair learn how it happened and how to rebuild their relationship and trust in each other.
  • Couples who have lost passion for each other have discovered how their unique attraction is created, what kills it and how to keep it alive for life.

All these couples have learnt how to communicate, how to grow closer through conflict and how to build a compelling future together.

You see the objective is to take couples with little hope for a future together and help them build a compelling future one they can both look forward to. [Read more...]

Foundations of successful marriages

There is no question that a significant percentage of the population is struggling to understand how to keep their marriage alive because they are missing the foundation you are about to read about.

By alive I mean passionate and emotionally connected whilst both excited about their future and purpose for being together.

So why is this so difficult for so many?

The real reason is simple…

It takes very little skill to fall in love but it takes real understanding to keep a loving passionate connection alive for life.

Building a successful marriage takes an understanding of critical foundations that if constantly practised gives couples a significantly better chance of keeping a marriage alive for life. [Read more...]

WHY are we struggling to fix our marriage problems?

In today’s post, I’m going to present some typical scenarios I might see in couples crisis meetings.

Once you have scanned through them I’m going to offer you some thoughts that are important to consider that could affect your future.

Here goes….

  • Why does a man keep his relationship alive with his wife for 20 years only to tell her out of the blue he wants a divorce?
  • Why does a woman become negative and controlling in her marriage?
  • Why does she never let go of anything?
  • Why does he diminish her feelings and never listen to her?
  • Why does a woman have a three-year affair and then spend every waking hour trying to save her relationship from divorce when he finds out? [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage? Get on the Same Page FAST!

The most common skill that is lacking in almost every couple I see is their inability to understand their partners’ world.

BUT…

…it’s not their fault.

Nowhere in our education system or from parents are we taught how to really understand another person’s experience. We assume the way the world works for us is roughly the same for others.

If you want a lifelong passionate relationship then understanding your partner’s emotional experience and how they interpret their world it is going to be a critical skill to learn before you can achieve a successful life together. [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]

He was visibly shocked: Transformation out of depression and anxiety

What do you do when you can feel your life is falling apart and you don’t know why or how to stop it?

Earlier this year a gentleman attended a meeting with me. He told me two years ago a couple who were his friends had come to see me and because they were delighted with their transformation they both said he must come and get my help as his marriage was suffering.

He said he didn’t know why it had taken so long to book in but he said he was now in so much pain and suffering he couldn’t see a way out and didn’t think anyone could help.

As he shared his story I could hear he was very stuck.

He was CEO of a tech company BUT he rarely went to work because he lived with terrible anxiety and depressive moods.

His business was suffering massively as a result.

He had also moved out of his family home as the marriage became impossible for them both.

He suffered from such bad reactions to his family even his children struggled with him and he was losing a relationship with them all. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

“I don’t have a voice in my relationship”

I see many couples where one person has kept quiet about their own personal suffering in their marriage and it’s devastating for the marriage and can lead the couple into crisis.

  • I see men that say nothing because for him a problem shared is a problem doubled.
  • I see women who once tried to be open with their husband only to discover she’s not emotionally safe when she does.
  • I see individuals that have no voice in their marriage because they have lost connection with themselves.
  • I see people who don’t know how to verbalise their real needs so they suffer in silence.
  • I see people who have had traumatic pasts and they lock those pasts away but still suffer the effects in silence.
  • I see people who have experienced affairs that no longer talk about it but it’s still alive in their marriage years later.
  • I see so many people who don’t say a word because they feel there is no point, some had learnt to keep quiet as children and some learnt it in the marriage.

Here are some REAL LIFE examples of silence leading to a crisis: [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]