She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Are your habits and patterns of behaviour leading you both to love or disaster?

If you have been following past posts you will know how challenging it is to deal with hidden challenges in the relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought.

Our patterns are created through our life experiences and for the most they happen without conscious thought. This gives the illusion that the pattern is part of their identity. [Read more...]

He thought she didn’t love him so he started an affair?

This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.

She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.

What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.

He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

Getting to the truth in your relationship

One of the most important elements in rebuilding a relationship is getting to the truth. Many couples circle their real problems with the hope of either protecting the relationship, themselves or both. Some couples are not aware of what the truth is, some individuals have a totally different idea of the truth from their partner.

Many individuals with real problems can re-write the truth to fit with their new objectives.

Getting the truth on the table is the key to solving any problem. You see when couples start to understand the real reason why they are having problems their reactions to each other can then change dramatically. [Read more...]

This is shocking…

What I’m going to explore today is a principal that many successful people use to gain fast results in relationships, wealth, health and all aspects of life that are important to them.

One of the core principals of gaining success is called modelling. Modelling is the fastest way to become successful in any part of your life.

The principal is simple, find someone that has the results you want, model what they did and learn how to apply their steps to your life.

Imagine this… 

Should we be together?

This is the question for many individuals stuck in a relationship that simply doesn’t work. These people are confused, as to what to do so worried they might be making a life long mistake they seek professional help.

The people looking for guidance do not want someone to take sides, they don’t want the professional help to have a personal agenda, all they want is the truth.

The truth is what will set the couple free, free to either rebuild their lives together, or free to part for all the right reasons.

A path that’s built on the truth is always the right one to walk. [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Who are the couples most likely to fix their marriage?

Couples that are most likely to fix their relationship are the ones that will do whatever it takes to fix it. They are the people who want to get to the truth even if the truth is tough.

The people who fix their relationships are not looking for the quick fix. They are prepared to do what’s hard now, so the rest of their life is easy. This is in stark contrast to those couples who’s philosophy is to repeat what feels easy whilst they battle with their problems for life.

Couples that get results are curious to learn. They are open to see the world from a new perspective, their mission is not to be right at all costs. Their mission is simply to get to the truth. [Read more...]

I give up!

The laws of life tell us that without passion a person will not be motivated to take action towards the goal they have set.

So when a person has tried all they know to fix their relationship without success and time has worn them down to feel emotionally empty, their passion to solve the problems dies and so they edge ever closer to giving up.

This is the place that many coupes end up in. They don’t have the knowledge to question how their brain is interpreting what they are experiencing, this leads them to a very limited view on their relationship without knowing. [Read more...]

How to become a couple for life

In todays post I’m going to give you a skill that’s critical if you want your relationship to work. These days becoming a couple for life is becoming more of a challenge.

Couples are giving up far too early, if they explored the truth in their relationship a significant percentage would learn their relationship could actually be not just saved, but converted into an amazing place of security, love, passion and fun.

Difficult to imagine if you are having a tough time, but it’s possible because I see this change happen right before my eyes as the couple learn how to reconnect.

Couples at the start of their relationships are both doing exactly what works for that couple to have a “success dynamic”. They feel good about themselves when they are with their partner and this is the reason why they are together and can see a wonderful future. [Read more...]

Why suffer when you don’t need to…

Without someone special to share your life with it’s a challenge for many people to feel truly fulfilled. No matter how much wealth, or success a person has, nothing comes close to creating the same feeling of being connected to a person who is equally passionate about your relationship.

Many people who start their relationship with the best of intentions can find themselves in very difficult circumstances, lost, alone, disconnected, misunderstood, with no obvious way to get their relationships back on track.

So couples in this awful place have three choices. [Read more...]

7 Steps to building a secure passionate and everlasting love

Relationship don’t just happen they are created so below are 7 very important steps to consider when choosing to live together. Giving years of the only life you have to another person is a very important consideration, so making sure you’re planning for success would be a really good idea.

1. Plan your journey.

If you don’t know where your going together or what you are trying to achieve both as a couple or as individuals then how can fulfillment happen? Most couples stop planning their future at children. Children and life now becomes the focus and the relationship gets lost.

What’s worse is if the individuals have no plan for themselves and no joint direction. [Read more...]

Panic!

You have tried everything you can think of to fix your marriage and nothing works, you may have tried counselling and that’s not helped and now you’re looking at really big problems. Stay in a marriage that doesn’t work, or go for a divorce that’s scary one minute and attractive the next.

When you’re running out of choices of what to do and the options are looking like big life changing decisions that will affect so many it’s so easy to panic and make the wrong decision.

Now it might be that divorce is right for you, so finding out what direction will lead you to real safely is important, so… [Read more...]

What do you mean?

Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.

Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.

So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did… [Read more...]

No energy for passion eh?

A couple were in my session they said they had really busy lives and not much energy for passion. Both said by 9.00pm they were tired from work, cooking and kids. So I asked them if a man from the nationally lottery turned up at 9.00pm with £20,000,000 would they still have no energy. Of course not they both answered.

So it’s not true you have no energy, you just have no energy when left alone with each other, your love is clearly there, they nodded, but you are not using the energy that’s clearly inside you both for each other? This got them thinking…

You see life is about the energy you bring to your life, successful lives is about the energy that brings the outcomes you desire. A successful relationship is about creating the energy that both people can share and enjoy.

So what energy is going to lead couples to success? [Read more...]

Marriage in crisis? 3 Steps To Success

There are 3 key pillars to getting couples to a safer loving connected life together. This dynamic and educational approach is unique to my specialist marriage in crisis service. 

Step 1: Help both people discover their true essence.

Their true essence is the place where fulfilment is possible. It’s so important that individuals learn the steps to reclaim themselves. When relationships become destructive both people change and this process is very painful and emotionally exhausting.

It’s so challenging to solve a relationship problem if [Read more...]

Signs your marriage is over for her?

So how do you know when your marriage is over. For many women the marriage starts to feel over when she feels the man in her life doesn’t or will not connect with her emotionally.

Many couples that come for help have a very common problem, they find the husband can be very capable practically, but he struggles to connect with her on an emotional level. This can help her feel lonely and disconnected from him.

Many women who find themselves in this place of no connection for too long can search for the connection they need in other places. Some go to their children, some go to their friends and family and of course some seek out new connections. (If you are considering an affair please rethink as the complications are significant and are likely to confuse a secure direction). [Read more...]

Who do you become to cope with your problems?

One of the most challenging parts of building a successful marriage is when one or both people are living, or are focused in such away they have become someone they are not to cope with their relationship or their life. 

This is most apparent when couples misunderstand each others words or actions and they move to protect themselves. They can become frustrated, angry, shut down, sad, depressed or lonely to name a few.

For example:

When a relationship goes wrong a person will naturally move to focus on protecting themselves, the problem is, if this focus is practiced enough that person can become stuck in becoming someone they are not and living that way in their relationship. [Read more...]