Vulnerability is it a Strength or a Weakness?

Today I’m going to talk about vulnerability. For many this word equals weakness, but if understood could it really free a persons life and become their biggest source of strength?

Many people will do all they can to avoid being vulnerable and the way they achieve this is by creating a self-inflicted numbness within themselves.

So if a person is feeling vulnerable in a relationship they will find a way to numb themselves so they can avoid the emotional pain of feeling vulnerable.

We see vulnerability avoidance in a relationship when two people love each other and they are both fearful of saying it first. We see vulnerability avoidance when a person wants sex, but is fearful of being rejected. We seen vulnerability avoidance in those not wanting a new relationship after a painful break-up. It’s all around us being practised every day. [Read more...]

Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

Infidelity, depression, suicidality

What do you do when a man enters your session telling you he’s afraid he will end up killing himself. He was breaking down and didn’t know how to stop it. 

So confused he came to me with a quest to save his relationship which was really dead for him and his partner. 

This gentleman is a well known professional in his field and has been kind enough to share his words after a few weeks of us working together. He has asked for his words below to remain anonymous.

A 20 year relationship ended by my infidelity, and a breakdown which came seemingly out of nowhere when I ended the affair were the just the start of my problems.

I approached Stephen because I felt I had never given my long term relationship with the mother of my children a fair chance.  I believed that my addictive reaction to my affair partner had doomed my attempts at rebuilding the relationship when it first fell apart. [Read more...]

Masterclass: Security & Desire what’s the cost of getting the balance wrong?

When a couples relationship starts to die one thing will become apparent. One or both people will have lost their desire for their partner. It seems that many couples are struggling to balance security and desire and the cost is catastrophic for their family.

Lets look at what happens when they lose just desire in their relationship.

  • They will struggle to find their partner attractive.
  • They could see the future together as a painful experience.
  • They will lose the desire to meet their partners needs.
  • They may want to spend time either at work, hobbies, friends or family.
  • They are likely to stop seeing their partner as a source of pleasure and attach problems such as feeling trapped, alone, worthless.
  • They even might start seeing other people as more attractive.

So clearly losing desire is something we must all avoid because the relationship loses momentum energy and dies.

So what helps someone lose their desire for their partner? [Read more...]

This couple did what many couples do. They created a loveless marriage!

I asked a couple in a session recently how much time they had both spent on their careers. I then asked them how much time they had spent on their children.

As you can imagine they were hard working caring parents so they both agreed they had spent significant time in both those key areas.

I then asked them how much time they had spend on their relationship. We came to an honest answer of “not very much”, this was due to life being so busy.

I agreed that modern life was busy. [Read more...]

Relationship habits and patterns

In todays post I will be covering an area of relationships that if understood would totally change the direction for any couple heading for trouble and redirect them towards a far happier life together. Couples that want to learn what your about to read can avert a likely divorce and redirect their marriage to be much happier than before.

So as you can see this is an absolute must for those wanting to keep their relationship alive.

The biggest problems any couple will face is where to put their energy so it connects with what’s important to themselves and their partner.

Each person in a relationship will have many patterns of behaviour unique to them and these individual patterns will create habitual patterns in their relationship. [Read more...]

You have to be a team…

Couples that want their relationship to last have to become a team. This is important because if you’re not a team you can’t plan your relationship experience to be the way you both need it to be to stay happy. If you can’t plan your relationship then you’re in danger of not sharing the same journey and goals and this can cause real problems.

If you’re not sharing the same vision of how to experience the journey towards an agreed future please expect a significant challenge, as you read on you’ll discover why…

I have yet to meet a couple who really have a plan. I have met couples that think they have a plan and when pushed they crumble within minutes.

When a couple doesn’t plan their relationship what happens is they end up living with what feels like separate lives. [Read more...]

Are you passionate about your relationship? If so this is for you…

If you want your relationship/marriage to work then learning the answer to this question will be a monumental jump forward for any couple to explore.

Question: What really has to happen for couples to stay connected in a meaningful way for life? 

Many couples are only learning they should have known the answer to this question after they survived their own personal crisis…

These couples have lived a half life with each other, coping and existing, never really connecting at a level which would have worked long-term. [Read more...]

The POWER our fears are having on our relationships

We all have fears, but what happens when by trying to avoid our fears it leads us to what we fear most. This is so basic that it should be taught in schools. Sadly very few are aware of the impact it is having on their lives.

You see having a fear means that on some level that fear is part of our focus. My regular readers and my clients already know, that what we focus on will create what we ultimately get in life.

What’s important to learn is this ‘focus’ does not have to be a conscious one for it to become a goal you haven’t chosen. [Read more...]

When is divorce the right solution?

It may come as surprise to learn that my job is NOT to fix couples relationships. My job is to help them learn the truth. So a couple might come for help and one person can have the belief that leaving the marriage is the only solution.

Their belief can be very wrong and with the right help they can reconnect to their feelings and to the relationship again.

Many tell me how surprised they are at their outcome, how they didn’t believe that reconnecting and falling back in love was actually possible.

I have seen this so many times, simple changes in understanding and behaviours change the persons feelings. [Read more...]

As a young man I had never questioned this idea before…

One of the most fundamental and foundational philosophies that will lead us to our future good or bad, is the power our thoughts can have over the quality of our lives and the direction it ultimately takes.

What I discovered changed my life forever and I wanted to share this with you today. A persons thinking actually has the power to create the life they end up living.

This was the kind of information that kept me awake at night until I had fully understood what it meant and how it really worked. You see I was just as skeptical as the next person, but I never believed I knew everything so I was keen to seek out what I didn’t know.

In fact today I enter every situation with the philosophy of, “…what don’t I know?” [Read more...]

[IMPORTANT] Few couples are aware of this…

So here is an interesting thought, what if the identity you live in day-to-day works for one part of your life, but is disastrous for the other important parts and you don’t know this, or the impact you are having on your family.

Every couple that is in trouble experiences this in different ways, below is a couple of examples. As you scan through this post you can start to see how this pattern could have affected your relationship and what needs to happen to change it.

I remember one lady telling me she felt like one of her husbands employees. Obviously being CEO of his wife was never going to work, but he had a challenge, he was a very successful CEO and was so comfortable within his CEO identity this is how he lived his life even at home.

The challenge he faced was he had become upset at how the people that didn’t work for him (his family) responded to him. He thought his CEO status should just bring him love and respect, he was confused when it didn’t happen and assumed his family specially his wife didn’t love him. [Read more...]

“Why are you not helping your sister?”

I had to share this personal Hedger family story with you, the story in this post today is responsible for significant breakdown in marriages across the world, and it could be easily avoided.

In the moment this situation made me smile, however the bigger picture has far more serious consequences if the lesson is not learnt.

I can’t stress enough how important this is…

So picture this, Cloe and I are sitting down for dinner with the children, it’s a typical evening at the Hedger house. On this occasion I tell the children that Cloe and I have something important to discuss privately and their help with clearing up after dinner would be much appreciated.

Over the years Cloe and I have encouraged the children to [Read more...]

I’m Stuck Do I Divorce Or Not?

I have noticed an interesting trend. More and more individuals are coming asking for my advice alone. They are telling me they can see that I’m consistently helping couples rebuild seemingly dead marriages and want my thoughts on their situation.

Many are in a marriage that has not been working for a while and they have been in a few minds about staying, getting help, or divorcing.

The reason they are in this place is many and varied, but something is blocking them from understanding their situation with enough clarity to take decisive action. For some their situation is very clear from their friends perspective, but even so, none of the options feel right, so they are stuck.

London Lawyers very often [Read more...]

Cloé turned to me and said….

I know you only received a post from me yesterday, but Cloé said something to me last night and I wanted to share this with you.

So Cloé and I were sat watching the Xfactor last night and James Jay was singing “I’m going to be (500 miles)”. Cloe turned to me and said “I love that song”.

I agreed, but she repeated, “I love that song because that’s what you would do for me…You would walk 500 hundred miles for me.”

She is right I would and much more.

In fact I have spent 1,000s and 1,000s of hours learning how I can be the best husband I can be for her.

She is the most important person in [Read more...]

She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Are your habits and patterns of behaviour leading you both to love or disaster?

If you have been following past posts you will know how challenging it is to deal with hidden challenges in the relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought.

Our patterns are created through our life experiences and for the most they happen without conscious thought. This gives the illusion that the pattern is part of their identity. [Read more...]

He thought she didn’t love him so he started an affair?

This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.

She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.

What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.

He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]