Long Distance Relationship Advice

My partner and I have been having a lot of problems. We were together for 4 months and everything was absolutely perfect, everything was going right and we fit well with each other.

Then after the 4 months we were thrown into an unexpected long distance relationship which equals to a few thousand miles between us (17 hours plane journey). Our relationship changed a lot, its now been a year and one month since we started our relationship so 9 months has been long distance and this has been difficult to say the least.

I would say that I have become quite irrational, I am incredibly jealous now but I never was before the long distance. I trust him much less and I can stress a ridiculous amount which leads to getting angry with him for the smallest thing.

I kind of understand my jealousy because I am jealous of any girl that can be near him but I can’t be, that I have to be thousands of miles away and the horrible feeling that something could happen.

I have become a completely different person which he had always been patient about but I could never seem to change. I don’t know if I can ever change my jealousy especially in a long distance relationship, also the problem is that we would have to be in this distance for another few years.

Its been 9 months and the truth is I’ve been finding it absolute hell, I’ve been stressed, I’ve been crying almost everyday, and its horrible. My Partner on the other hand really likes a long distance relationship, hes been understanding because he loves me so much but I can’t seem to do that for him.

I don’t know at all what to do.

Lisa

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Dear Lisa

Thank you for your email to me, I really feel for you, this is a horrible place to be.

You enter into a perfect relationship and just as it’s getting going, it’s now been taken away.

Now you are left will all these conflicts inside that are now making you really unhappy. On one hand you know these thoughts are irrational, but every day they’re coming into your mind uninvited.

There are two key areas here that are effecting you.

  • 1. The man you love is thousands of miles away from you, and this is not how your relationship or life should be.
  • 2. Your constant focus on potential problems has taken you to a place of fear, which has generated a version of you that is constantly worried and now becoming depressed.

When your life conditions don’t match how you think things should be, you can become miserable, depressed and in this place of fear you have unconsciously gone on a search to discover what problems this long distance relationship could create for you, for him, and the relationship.

  • What’s happened is you have come up with loads of ways this relationship could hurt you or end.

Your boyfriend who seems to be trying to fix this relationship from thousands of miles away knows how unhappy you are, and is telling you that everything is OK and that a long distance relationship with him is not to be feared.

In fact you believe either through his words or your feelings that he likes the relationship this way. If you also believe that, then there is no end to living hell for you…

…I don’t believe any man that loves his woman wants to be thousands of miles away from her ( if you also share that thought, that could be making your feel worse, however…), I expect he is fearful of you getting so upset that you end the relationship, to escape your own fears, and so he could be playing his own feelings down to protect you.

Something needs to change, because you are making yourself unwell and these behaviours in you could create the thing you fear most and that’s a break up, because you both can‘t see away forward.

At the moment this situation for you equals the possibility of the end of your relationship every day.

The other part that I know is hurting you is that you want to give him love and yet from this place of fear you can’t, and that’s deeply hurting you too.

The bottom line is you feel out of control, not able to do, or be, what you want in a life situation you never saw as perfect for you or ever wanted or asked for.

For you to be happy again a change is needed, and so your focus and the meanings you are giving that focus has to be different for you to be OK.

Lisa I am going to contact you direct, I can tell you what needs to change, but I will have to work with you to make that change happen.

If Lisa is happy to work with me, we will be back to share the results.

Should I Stay With Him?

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The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

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