28 Early warnings couples must never ignore

Life long, intimate relationships are packed full of hidden problems that can be catastrophic to the couples ability to stay connected.

It’s critical to know early when you and your relationship is in a pattern that could be destructive to its future. Many of these patterns can be understood and overcome.

Below is a list of patterns that should never be ignored.

1. The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple dynamic will have a low passion relationship will little to no sex life.

2. The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.

3. Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments. [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

He was about to lose her!

So this gentleman came to me upset and confused. What has happened to my marriage? What’s made her so unhappy, and why is she now speaking about leaving me?

He said, “We seemed to be fine we’ve had a great marriage ups and downs like most couples, but this is normal, isn’t it?”

“How did we get here, I thought this happened to other people, not us…”

He went on “I’m a simple man with simple needs I really don’t need that much to be happy.

I agreed with him “…., but one simple thing you want is for her to be happy, is that right?”

He agreed. “That’s why I spent so much time building the business, so she didn’t want for anything.”

I agreed with him that the money was important but. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you…”

So many couples can find themselves in this situation. It’s shocking to hear this sentence, and it can cause panic. The key to this situation is to understand what they mean and what can we do about it? Is It a lost cause, can love ever come back?

Below I’m going to share what they mean and your options.

So what do you mean? Do you love me or not? Their sentence is confusing.

If someone is struggling in their marriage and has been for a while, they will have two thoughts. Firstly they will know historically they experienced love and have experienced many loving times.

This is the “I love you” part of their sentence and can be reflective of two people that love their kids.

The “I’m not in love with you” part means that TODAY their active love for you is no longer present. [Read more...]

My partner has just told me they don’t love me anymore – what do I do?

If your partner is telling you they no longer love you this shocking news can trigger a fear system within us that helps us behave in ways that are very unattractive and further confirms their feelings to go are correct.

In these situations, there are a few powerful behaviours you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.

Their loss of love doesn’t happen overnight and can be a total mystery to their partner, which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.

The things you should do, most people don’t do

…and the things they shouldn’t do, most people always do. [Read more...]

“The Bulletproof Marriage”

We all like the theory of someone being our soul mate. Someone that has our back and will love us for life, someone that’s a friend and a lover. Someone who will help us become the best of us, pick us up when we are down and cheer us on when we succeed.

Most people want a purposeful life that’s exciting with someone special.

The problem is no one that gets married is going to be able to see the future and know how they will both feel about themselves and each other.

Far too many people end up disappointed with how their life plays out and for some who they have chosen.

Many are bored either with their life or each other. [Read more...]

“I LOVE how I feel about ME when I’m with YOU!”

So what is the formula for a great marriage and why do so many people get it wrong? When you look at what we are all trying to achieve it boils down to something quite simple.

We are all trying to experience the feelings we like and avoid the feelings we don’t like.

If you look at anyone that’s on the edge of splitting up, they no longer experience feelings they like when they are with their partner, and some are getting close to experiencing feelings they have spent their whole lives trying to avoid.

Some are leaving because they feel they won’t be loved or they won’t be enough, and these types of feelings are far too painful. Some are leaving because they cannot get over a significant break of trust. [Read more...]

Stuck in a broken marriage?

So many couples are suffering in a marriage that doesn’t work for them because they don’t have the knowledge or skills needed to keep their connection alive.

It’s true keeping a passionate relationship for life is complex but it’s made significantly harder if trial and error is the model.

We do NOT have natural skills for keeping passion and love alive in a relationship this is why so many are suffering.

So couples need new information so they can effectively navigate the natural problems all couples experience.

To achieve this, there has to be a mindset shift to see a new way forward. The reason so many couples are suffering is that they are in emotional states that keep leading them to the same destructive patterns.

These destructive patterns need to be interrupted and replaced. [Read more...]

Cloé said to me “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”

I’m not sure I quoted her correctly but my wife Cloé quoted these words to me a few weeks ago, and it instantly resonated with me in the context of what makes a successful marriage.

Most people know that marriages have the potential to lose their passion and connection over time, but they don’t know why or how to reignite what they first had when it drifts away.

The key to this problem is in learning new skills and gaining the tools that enable them to navigate the ups and downs, so they always settle back into a loving fun connection no matter what hits them.

Couples that can do this are sadly in the minority.

Anyone can have a successful marriage if there don’t seem to be any problems, but this can be a potential ticking bomb because all couples will have problems at some point.  [Read more...]

Relationship Test: 12 Common ways couples are disconnecting

With no educational system in place for what it takes to keep a marriage alive for life, we are left with couples really doing their best.

Sadly this is usually not enough to keep their connection and passion alive. So couples can unwittingly break their connection without meaning to leading to a build-up of negative energy that couples attach to each other.

So below I’m going to share some of the common mistakes couples are making without knowing.

THE RELATIONSHIP TEST below is designed to help couples understand how many of these points below are in your marriage so you can start to open up communication at home? [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

“Resentment stacking and the true cost”

Resentment stacking has hidden problems that people only see when it’s too late. So in today’s post I’m going to share what I see and where the danger sits.

When couples start a relationship at some point there is going to be some resistance and friction. Of course, some conflict is normal we are not going to agree all the time.

But when there becomes a gap between how life should be and how it really is, one or both people can start to resent the other.

The challenge with resentment is it creates a negative mindset and this can trigger the person to look for more problems.

A person looking for problems is always going to find something negative and when they find it they can resent that too.

Over time those resentments attached to big and small things will stack and can become overwhelming leading the person to want to stop the pain of this emotional experience.

They will also naturally be in a place to protect themselves from their partner.

This can be a lethal combination of emotions for any marriage. If I have to protect me from you how can I keep my love alive and if I have stacked resentments towards you there is a real danger I’m going to turn off any feelings I have towards you.

This is the danger people are not seeing…

…resentments can lead a person to a detached or numb emotional state. Essentially what this means is they are so emotionally overwhelmed they can turn off their feelings.

What they are unaware of is when they turn off the bad feelings to protect themselves they also turn off the good ones too. [Read more...]

“10 reasons why couples don’t make it”

There are now well over 800 pages in this website helping any reader to become curious about their relationship why they work and why they fail. People from all over the world are now attending meetings with me to gain solutions to seemingly impossible marital problems.

In today’s post, I’m going to be sharing some key thinking that helps couples to keep their relationship alive with some thoughts on the cost of not applying these to a marriage.

1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you

2. Never make your partner wrong

3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)

4. Never pull your love away

5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!

6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life

7. Always make your partners needs your needs too

8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves

9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)

10. Always make time for your relationship every day [Read more...]

What does a successful relationship really look like?

Over the years of working with couples in crisis, my mission has been to help couples in crisis learn if they have the ability to breakthrough their problems and really make their relationship work.

  • Couples who have split up and physically separated have discovered how to reconnect physically and emotionally.
  • Couples who have fallen foul of an affair learn how it happened and how to rebuild their relationship and trust in each other.
  • Couples who have lost passion for each other have discovered how their unique attraction is created, what kills it and how to keep it alive for life.

All these couples have learnt how to communicate, how to grow closer through conflict and how to build a compelling future together.

You see the objective is to take couples with little hope for a future together and help them build a compelling future one they can both look forward to. [Read more...]

“I cannot believe divorce is NOW a option for us”

In today’s post, I’m going to explain why so many couples struggle to keep their marriage alive and why divorce can become such a shocking option.

At the end of this post, you’ll learn the most important focus all couple should have in their marriage if they want to avoid divorce.

Every day I am presented by a couple in crisis needing help to understand if their crisis is a sign of genuine incompatibility or if their problems can be permanently solved.

There are some couples that really shouldn’t be together and any professional process they are in should help them discover that truth to avoid the pain and suffering of years of flogging a dead horse. [Read more...]

“What do you actually hear when I speak?” – Couples communication problems

One of the most fundamental challenges all couples face is understanding what the other is really saying to them.

If you can’t understand each other then gaining a connection that makes sense is going to become a monumental challenge.

The trend of what I see is the men admit to me they really don’t understand their wives and the women tell me they are being crystal clear to their husbands.

I’m generalising here of course.

In these situations, I have to help women understand what men hear when they speak and help men understand what she wants.

So many women I see cannot believe that their men don’t understand what they are saying, to them their messages are simple to understand so in her mind he, either doesn’t love her or there something wrong with him. [Read more...]

Foundations of successful marriages

There is no question that a significant percentage of the population is struggling to understand how to keep their marriage alive because they are missing the foundation you are about to read about.

By alive I mean passionate and emotionally connected whilst both excited about their future and purpose for being together.

So why is this so difficult for so many?

The real reason is simple…

It takes very little skill to fall in love but it takes real understanding to keep a loving passionate connection alive for life.

Building a successful marriage takes an understanding of critical foundations that if constantly practised gives couples a significantly better chance of keeping a marriage alive for life. [Read more...]

“I lost myself in my marriage”

If you want to build a successful marriage you’ll need the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife. NOT being your true self is a fundamental issue and one of the root problems that lead many couples to wrongly divorce. 

The reason not being connected to your true self is such an issue is because your happiness is conditional on you becoming what you say is important. So if a naturally loving and fun person stops being loving and fun this will make them unhappy and eventually feel exhausted.

What you’re about to read will be tough for some people to hear, they won’t want to hear this message and sadly they’ll end up learning the hard way. [Read more...]

WHY are we struggling to fix our marriage problems?

In today’s post, I’m going to present some typical scenarios I might see in couples crisis meetings.

Once you have scanned through them I’m going to offer you some thoughts that are important to consider that could affect your future.

Here goes….

  • Why does a man keep his relationship alive with his wife for 20 years only to tell her out of the blue he wants a divorce?
  • Why does a woman become negative and controlling in her marriage?
  • Why does she never let go of anything?
  • Why does he diminish her feelings and never listen to her?
  • Why does a woman have a three-year affair and then spend every waking hour trying to save her relationship from divorce when he finds out? [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]