The Real Reason – Marriages Die & How To Stop It?

The trend I see in couples with all manner of problems is a significant decline over time in their desire to invest in their relationship. They spend more time at the office, with their kids, with friends, family or hobbies.

Of course if you don’t feed a relationship what it needs it will naturally die.

The reasons people stop investing are varied

  • Circular conflicts
  • Power struggles
  • Inability to communicate
  • Loss of intimacy
  • Loss of love
  • Emotional detachment
  • Abandonment
  • Loss of passion
  • Boredom
  • Can’t see a future together

This list could go on and on… BUT are these the REAL reason a marriage will die? [Read more...]

They had lost love, connection and themselves and an affair was on the cards

On paper this couple had it all, but they had lost what so many lose and that’s their relationship. They ended up two people that just happen to live in the same house doing their own thing.

They had slipped into a unhealthy pattern that neither knew how to break.

They had lost how to connect with who they really were and what was important to them. They had lost how to show up the relationship and be valuable to each other. They had lost how to attract each other and how to be attractive in the marriage.

Essentially they became a mum and a dad together they had lost how to be best friends and lovers.

With energy very low in both people and not holding out much hope they knew had to take action and get help.

[Read more...]

Top 10 mistakes all couples in crisis are making

I’m going to share with you today 10 mistakes all couples in crisis are making that can put their relationship under real stress.

These are in no particular order, but each can have a powerfully negative impact. Compound these behaviours over time and the relationship is now heading for a very bumpy ride.

  1. Become your partners judge.
  2. Making your partner wrong.
  3. Threaten the end of the relationship.
  4. Help your partner to feel bad about themselves.
  5. Holding back love.
  6. Expect more of your partner than you do of yourself.
  7. Have no plan for the relationship.
  8. Make other areas of your life more important than them.
  9. They must think and act the same as you.
  10. Manipulate them to get what you want.

Relationships are a place where the couple MUST [Read more...]

We are not naturally designed to live together for life – so we need skills to achieve this dream…

When you look at divorce statistics, relationship failures and the the volume of people choosing to have affairs, one thing feels very clear. Men and women are really struggling to live together in a meaningful way for both people.

In todays post I’m going to talk about some of the skills I’m teaching couples in crisis to help them naturally rebuild their relationship, and their attraction so it naturally recreates their sexually energy.

Men and women are ill equipped to live together and so they suffer from very similar problems in terms of understanding each other their relationship and what it takes to really make it work. They end up losing feelings of love and attraction for their partner. So I have to help these couples learn what’s happened to lose these feelings and what we have to do to bring them back.

I’m now seeing 20 couples couples in crisis a week and although all their problems are all very unique what they are all doing is very common.. [Read more...]

How Rebuild Trust After An Affair?

One of my specialisms is in helping couples rebuild their relationship after discovering an affair. The secret to repairing a broken relationship after an affair is to help them understand why it happened and then help them build a brand new relationship. 

Couples who reconnect after an affair and learnt how to create a successful marriage, ultimately see the affair as a wake up call that actually saved their relationship from years of suffering.

Without doubt an affair is a shockingly horrible experience, however an affair is just one of the many destructive symptoms a couple can experience if they don’t learn how to create a relationship that lasts. [Read more...]

The shocking truth…

Many couples are living together disconnected passionless and miserable not because they are incompatible or wrong for each other, it’s because they simply don’t know how to live together.

So in todays post I’m going to highlight the thinking that is causing couples so many problems.

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them. [Read more...]

Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

With the right approach it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage so that your marriage is far stronger than it every was before, no matter what’s happened.

I have seen many couples go through devastating affairs and then learn how to breakthrough their fears and then work together to protect and feed the relationship what it really needs to survive.

At the end of this post you will learn how I helped one lady connect to a strength within her to deal with a devastating situation.

Trust can be broken for many reasons, the obvious ones are affairs, lying, or some kind of erratic behaviour. What many don’t see is that trust can be broken if our needs are not met. Trust can be broken if the dynamic that builds attraction is damaged. [Read more...]

“My partner says they don’t love me anymore – what do I do?”

If your partner is telling you their love for you has died, there are a few very powerful things you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.

Loss of love doesn’t happen over night and can be a total mystery to their partner which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.

The things you should do, most people don’t do….

…and the things they shouldn’t do, they almost always do.

So the first thing you must NOT do is PANIC!

Loss of love is something the person has created within them, so it means it’s not permanent and can be undone with the right approach. [Read more...]

Marriage Problems? The solution is there all you need is courage to discover it!

The only way to build a successful marriage is to have the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife and learn what’s at the root of your problems – NOT being who you are is a fundamental issue and one of the  root problems that leads many couples to wrongly divorce. 

What you’re about to read will go against the grain for so many people who sadly end up learning the hard way. BUT I know that those that are ready to learn will be ready to see their truth and stop years of suffering through answers that free them, just like so many couples that work with me each year.

At the end of this post you will read about a couple who left my Marriage Breakthrough Program last week who embraced what you are about to read below…

Are you ready? 

For any marriage to work you both need the courage to be open, vulnerable and connected to what you believe in and say is important. I see so many people, they tell me values like love, kindness, wisdom, integrity are just a few of their values.

Yet when questioned we find that they don’t practice, or become what they say is important from within their marriage. Many expect this from others, but not from themselves. [Read more...]

Total Relief

As this couple sat in front of me you could see the total relief on their faces. I smiled and asked them “what do you now need from me?” they both looked at each other and together smiling said “nothing”.

This snap shot of their current reality was the polar opposite of what they brought to me a few months before.

She was making all the sounds that sounded like separation and he was at a total loss as to why they were even in this situation.

All he knew his wife had totally changed and his world was turning upside down, she talked to him about the potential of staying married, but just living different lives even living in different parts of the world.

To him this was out of the question. [Read more...]

Listening is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner.

Listening is probably the most under developed skill I experience with couples that come for my help.

Of course they know how to physically hear, but they don’t know how to truly listen to what their partner is saying.

Some of the problem is they are so focused on what they want to say in response to their partners words they are not listening to the words their partner is actually saying.

BUT this is a small part of a much bigger problem… the real challenge is this…

What are they really hearing when their partner is speaking? [Read more...]

Love alone is not enough

One of the major challenges most individuals face in their relationships is understanding how to become truly valuable to their partner so their partner will feel magnetised to love them forever.

I have a huge amount of empathy for anyone in a relationship that’s not working, because I know personally how emotionally painful/confusing it is to be in this place.

I was not born understanding relationships, however I did have one philosophy that gave me a head start and the momentum to be where I am today. I understood that the most valuable part of our existence on this planet was our relationship with someone special. [Read more...]

“Please Just Tell Me The Truth…”

The real answer couples are looking for in their relationship is the truth. Why did you have the affair? Are we really compatible? Why do you keep lying to me? Am I emotionally safe with you? What made you fall out of love with me? If we try to fix our marriage, how can I trust it will last?

The truth is what sets us free in life and in relationships.

Many think that I fix relationships and that’s my job.

My real mission is to help couples/individuals discover the truth in their relationship. I do this by asking the questions that are most likely to lead both me and the couple to a deeper understanding of their relationship and why they are sat in front of me. [Read more...]

10 relationship illusions that can lead a couple to divorce

Principles, philosophies, ways of thinking. Whichever way you cut it just like life, relationships have simple laws that if broken will cause problems. 

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.

1. I have no control over what I feel

2. Loss of love is permanent 

3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us [Read more...]

She said she no longer loved him…

Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died. 

As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.

This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.

She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.

Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.

There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life. [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust to regain emotional connection

When a person in a relationship believes that their emotional self is not being looked after or respected by their partner they are highly likely to want to protect themselves from the person that is supposed to love them.

The process of protecting themselves leads that person to lose trust in their partners ability or desire to care about what they are thinking or feeling.

If this need to protect ones self goes on for long enough then the couple are in danger of one or worse both people emotionally detaching and this can be catastrophic for that couple.

The near impossible challenge is to love someone whilst needing to protect yourself from them. This process of protection leads people to feelings that suggest they love their partner, but they are not in love with them. [Read more...]

Trust issues: Taking back control

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

Stephen Hedger saved our marriage

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

I suspected my wife was having an affair for several months which was awful, but when she finally admitted to it, I was overcome with many different emotions.

I had no idea what to do as it’s very difficult to talk to anyone for obvious reasons. I realised we needed help and after much internet research, I called Stephen.

I immediately knew I had made a good choice as he really listened and gave me some useful advice ahead of our first meeting. My wife was INITIALLY reluctant to attend, but Agreed. Stephen called what she was experiencing as love heroin which Seemed apt.

We had several very tough months, especially when my wife got back in contact with the other man. I can safely say without Stephen my marraige would have collapsed at this point.

HOWEVER, Stephen scheduled in some crisis sessions for us and we both Agreed a way forward. My wife and I have emerged from a very bad place to now love eachother more than ever as Stephen has helped us address the problems that inevitably occur after 17 years of marriage. We now really understand eachothers needs and emotions so much better than before.

Towards the end of our sessions, Stephen devoted several sessions to help us with our 16 year old daughter’s difficult behavior. My daughter really liked Stephen and it has really helped our understanding of her, and also strengthened our marriage as we now work much more as a team and are no longer in conflict with our daughter.

Stephen’s advice in the whole process has been amazing – he really understood the different dynamics involved with both myself and my wife in every step of our journey in the last four months or so.

He has saved our marriage and made it so much better than it was before.

I can recommend without hesitation Stephen – he is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met.

Written by a Banker and his wife

Want to avoid a divorce?

When a relationship is going well it’s one of the biggest sources of pleasure, but when problems strike and specifically problems the couple don’t know how to solve the individual(s) can start to suffer.

Some suffer quietly and some are vocal about their experience.

When a person suffers for too long this can lead them to an emotional detachment process and as a result they can create feelings that tell them their love for their partner is dead permanently, it’s important to know that assumption is not necessary a fact.

The biggest problem couples face is not having the tools to understand what is really happening in their relationship. So they adopt these kinds of positions… [Read more...]

Are you valuable to your partner?

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]