Masterclass: Security & Desire what’s the cost of getting the balance wrong?

When a couples relationship starts to die one thing will become apparent. One or both people will have lost their desire for their partner. It seems that many couples are struggling to balance security and desire and the cost is catastrophic for their family.

Lets look at what happens when they lose just desire in their relationship.

  • They will struggle to find their partner attractive.
  • They could see the future together as a painful experience.
  • They will lose the desire to meet their partners needs.
  • They may want to spend time either at work, hobbies, friends or family.
  • They are likely to stop seeing their partner as a source of pleasure and attach problems such as feeling trapped, alone, worthless.
  • They even might start seeing other people as more attractive.

So clearly losing desire is something we must all avoid because the relationship loses momentum energy and dies.

So what helps someone lose their desire for their partner? [Read more...]

Valentines Day is coming!

Valentines day is approaching and for my regular readers you may have noticed I never comment on special days and religious events.

I have however decided this to make this year an exception.

My personal thought is any day that enables two people to share their love for each other is an amazing day in my book.

However from what I have heard there are very mixed feelings about this day. [Read more...]

Holding back your love

There are times in every relationship when your partner will do or say something that will shock you. 

It could be a small thing that just keeps irritating you even though you’ve told them it upsets you, but they carry on not seeming to care or…

…It could be a big thing that helps you question if you really know the person you are living with.

When our partner hurts us emotionally it can affect us very deeply. So if this happens what do we all want to do? [Read more...]

Are you passionate about your relationship? If so this is for you…

If you want your relationship/marriage to work then learning the answer to this question will be a monumental jump forward for any couple to explore.

Question: What really has to happen for couples to stay connected in a meaningful way for life? 

Many couples are only learning they should have known the answer to this question after they survived their own personal crisis…

These couples have lived a half life with each other, coping and existing, never really connecting at a level which would have worked long-term. [Read more...]

Get your marriage back on track – For Men

Too many couples wait far too long before they seek help. Men in particular are really struggling to see how bad the relationship really is for her and he only wakes up to the true severity of the problem when she says she doesn’t love him, or she wants out.

So many men have sat in my sessions totally confused about how it got so bad so fast. The truth is for her it’s likely to have been bad for a while he has just missed the signs.

The chances are for her the problems have been consciously present for at least two years. Some women communicate problems and fears from the start of the relationship. [Read more...]

He was losing his marriage and felt powerless to fix it…

I was on the phone to this gentleman last week, he had been going to see a marriage counsellor for a few months about a severe marriage problem and he was concerned that they were not making the progress he expected and was going to lose his marriage. 

He had come across my service online saw it was very different and wanted to have an initial call with me to understand how my offer worked in more detail.

Before I answered his question I wanted to see if I could help him understand why they were in trouble.

So I asked him what problem they were facing. What he told me I had heard many times before. [Read more...]

Should couples expect relationship problems?

I have put this post together because a few people have asked me why couples that started their lives together in love can find themselves in serious trouble without there being an obvious problem like an affair? 

I want you to see the chain reaction that leads relationships to go wrong. Of course every situation is different, but there are some core challenges which underpins the process to go from a loving relationship to divorce.

The process I have illustrated is simplified so this post didn’t turn into a book, however please note each part has many complexities and consequences. [Read more...]

[IMPORTANT] Few couples are aware of this…

So here is an interesting thought, what if the identity you live in day-to-day works for one part of your life, but is disastrous for the other important parts and you don’t know this, or the impact you are having on your family.

Every couple that is in trouble experiences this in different ways, below is a couple of examples. As you scan through this post you can start to see how this pattern could have affected your relationship and what needs to happen to change it.

I remember one lady telling me she felt like one of her husbands employees. Obviously being CEO of his wife was never going to work, but he had a challenge, he was a very successful CEO and was so comfortable within his CEO identity this is how he lived his life even at home.

The challenge he faced was he had become upset at how the people that didn’t work for him (his family) responded to him. He thought his CEO status should just bring him love and respect, he was confused when it didn’t happen and assumed his family specially his wife didn’t love him. [Read more...]

What does the brain have to do to fall out of love?

This is an interesting question because the brain did something when the couple fell in love. The brain then changed to do something different to fall out of love.

What changed was the persons perception. To fall in love the person would have created a future perception that would have seemed very attractive and compelled them to want stay in the relationship.

To fall out of love the persons future perception would have changed from a compelling future to a future of pain if they stayed in the relationship.

Moving towards a perceptually painful experience is not something most humans are comfortable with.

The big “BUT” here is this, [Read more...]

She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Are your habits and patterns of behaviour leading you both to love or disaster?

If you have been following past posts you will know how challenging it is to deal with hidden challenges in the relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought.

Our patterns are created through our life experiences and for the most they happen without conscious thought. This gives the illusion that the pattern is part of their identity. [Read more...]

He thought she didn’t love him so he started an affair?

This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.

She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.

What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.

He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

Feeling stuck? Fed-up of going round in circles?

Need a solution to a problem that has trapped you? It’s important to know that the thinking that helped to create a problem is not the thinking that will create a solution to the problem. Many people feeling stuck are not aware of this important fact and that’s why they go round in circles. This statement is especially true in relationships as the love, the trust , the respect dies and the relationship no longer meets the couples needs.

In this place the future for the couple dies and getting out of pain seems like the only pleasure.

There are many different types of problems, but what happens when a problem leads the person or the couple into a dead-end where one or both people are so stuck ending the relationship becomes a very real consideration?

To change the situation you have to change the way the individual or couple think about their problem that leads them to the truth. You see to become stuck they will have run out of ways to approach their problem. [Read more...]

7 Steps to building a secure passionate and everlasting love

Relationship don’t just happen they are created so below are 7 very important steps to consider when choosing to live together. Giving years of the only life you have to another person is a very important consideration, so making sure you’re planning for success would be a really good idea.

1. Plan your journey.

If you don’t know where your going together or what you are trying to achieve both as a couple or as individuals then how can fulfillment happen? Most couples stop planning their future at children. Children and life now becomes the focus and the relationship gets lost.

What’s worse is if the individuals have no plan for themselves and no joint direction. [Read more...]

Relationship problems? Please read this…

If you are having relationship problems it’s got to be one of the worst challenges life can throw at us. So in todays post I want to share some critical information that you don’t get told in day-to-day life to help you. So if you want to understand and fix your problems this little know philosophy is a must if you want to get on the right path to save your relationship. 

So if I am working with a couple in crisis the reason I chose not to focus initially on the problem the couples faces is because their “problem” is going to be a symptom of a challenge in their historic dynamic.

I am always looking for this hidden challenge in their dynamic because this is the real key to helping them solving their problems. [Read more...]

Panic!

You have tried everything you can think of to fix your marriage and nothing works, you may have tried counselling and that’s not helped and now you’re looking at really big problems. Stay in a marriage that doesn’t work, or go for a divorce that’s scary one minute and attractive the next.

When you’re running out of choices of what to do and the options are looking like big life changing decisions that will affect so many it’s so easy to panic and make the wrong decision.

Now it might be that divorce is right for you, so finding out what direction will lead you to real safely is important, so… [Read more...]

What do you mean?

Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.

Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.

So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did… [Read more...]

They felt their marriage was dead but they were keen to learn the truth

Last year I was working with a couple who were struggling to connect with each other and it looked on the surface that the relationship was actually dead.

In fact it was dead the way they were running it. They came to me wanting to see if it could be fixed, she was not that hopeful, she felt he was too selfish and she had made a mistake marrying him.

I had to help them discover the truth and help them understand their beliefs about each other and the relationship.

So I explored what the start of the relationship was like.

When they met she loved the potential in him she could see the growth potential and the security that would provide, but she also loved his sense of freedom and passion in his interests. He seemed like the full package so getting married was easy. [Read more...]