Trust issues: Taking back control

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

Stephen Hedger saved our marriage

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

I suspected my wife was having an affair for several months which was awful, but when she finally admitted to it, I was overcome with many different emotions.

I had no idea what to do as it’s very difficult to talk to anyone for obvious reasons. I realised we needed help and after much internet research, I called Stephen.

I immediately knew I had made a good choice as he really listened and gave me some useful advice ahead of our first meeting. My wife was INITIALLY reluctant to attend, but Agreed. Stephen called what she was experiencing as love heroin which Seemed apt.

We had several very tough months, especially when my wife got back in contact with the other man. I can safely say without Stephen my marraige would have collapsed at this point.

HOWEVER, Stephen scheduled in some crisis sessions for us and we both Agreed a way forward. My wife and I have emerged from a very bad place to now love eachother more than ever as Stephen has helped us address the problems that inevitably occur after 17 years of marriage. We now really understand eachothers needs and emotions so much better than before.

Towards the end of our sessions, Stephen devoted several sessions to help us with our 16 year old daughter’s difficult behavior. My daughter really liked Stephen and it has really helped our understanding of her, and also strengthened our marriage as we now work much more as a team and are no longer in conflict with our daughter.

Stephen’s advice in the whole process has been amazing – he really understood the different dynamics involved with both myself and my wife in every step of our journey in the last four months or so.

He has saved our marriage and made it so much better than it was before.

I can recommend without hesitation Stephen – he is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met.

Written by a Banker and his wife

Want to avoid a divorce?

When a relationship is going well it’s one of the biggest sources of pleasure, but when problems strike and specifically problems the couple don’t know how to solve the individual(s) can start to suffer.

Some suffer quietly and some are vocal about their experience.

When a person suffers for too long this can lead them to an emotional detachment process and as a result they can create feelings that tell them their love for their partner is dead permanently, it’s important to know that assumption is not necessary a fact.

The biggest problem couples face is not having the tools to understand what is really happening in their relationship. So they adopt these kinds of positions… [Read more...]

Are you valuable to your partner?

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]

“Thank you for not giving up on me…”

These were the words from a woman that months before swore blind that her marriage was dead. She was thanking her husband for not giving up the fight to save his relationship and family.

Months before she sat in my office telling me that she would explore the relationship, but her mind was made up, she wasn’t in love with her husband and she had to leave.

She also presented a relationship history that essentially said she never really loved him and she had made a mistake marrying him.

To him this was a total contradiction of his experience, he even bought up letters and cards of love that she had written to him over the years. She denied any of it was real and she was playing a part. [Read more...]

Affairs – Infidelity – Cheating is it a sign of things to come or simply a wake-up call?

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that dealing with Infidelity makes up a significant percentage of my work with couples. In these situations my job isn’t just to save their marriage, it’s to learn how they got into this position and to help the couple discover if it’s possible to rebuild a dynamic that works for them both.

Sadly many people who embark on affairs are not understanding what’s happening within them. For some they are putting a relationship they want to keep on the line.

For others they could be keeping a relationship artificially alive that is actually dead whilst their needs are meet through the new secret relationship. [Read more...]

Can your subconscious mind can help you fall out of love

The simple answer is yes. Many individuals will communicate they have fallen out of love with their husband or wife. What they are not aware of is, to achieve this emotional state they had to do something to themselves to achieve it.

Falling out of love does not just magically happen there is a process within a person that enables it.

Because this persons experience of falling out of love is going to be driven by their subconscious mind they will experience automatic FEELINGS.

The person will feel their feelings have just happened to them, therefore this is their truth, when in reality they actually created them without knowing. This will leave the person telling a ‘truth’, the feelings they used to experience such as ‘love’ have gone, but not necessary forever because feelings such as ‘love’ can come and go depending on what we do. [Read more...]

How to move a relationship out of crisis?

If you are in crisis and you want to make a change in your relationship then it’s critical that the process of making that change is understood if you are to be successful.

The most common scenario I see is when one person feels the relationship has died. They have lost their feelings for their partner and do not know how to get their feelings back. Some of course don’t even want to try.

One person is likely to be in a position where they are desperate to save the relationship and they can get very busy trying to stop them leaving.

Individuals panicking to save their relationship will usually notice they are making their fragile situation much worse through taking the wrong actions. The result is they are likely to see their partner become more detached the more they try to keep them in the relationship. Both people can now feel stuck. [Read more...]

Signs your marriage is heading for serious problems

All marriages will have problems, what’s important is how you both deal with those problems. Many couples are not seeing they are heading for a divorce until it’s far too late.

As you scan through the list below the couples I see who are all in crisis  have all communicated a combination of the problems below.

So this is a heads up on some of what’s important to be focused on as a sign that changes are needed to rebuild the relationship so it lasts.

No emotional connection

If you don’t have the emotional connection you think you should have, then you have a gap in your relationship that will create emotional pain. If you don’t know how to close that gap then the pain will start to go deeper. [Read more...]

How to regain trust in a relationship?

Whenever there is a breach of trust in a relationship it can feel impossible to get that trust back. Especially if it seems that a breach of trust has happened multiple times.

What you are about to read is what the smart people are learning so please read carefully. You see, when dealing with relationship challenges the logic you think will fix the problems is rarely what will. So if you want to learn what really works please become curious about what your going to discover below.

For every couple who are experiencing problems, loss of trust is going to be one of their biggest challenges.

It’s obvious that someone might want to know, how to rebuild trust after cheating, or after an affair, however trust is not only attached to other people, infidelity and lying… [Read more...]

Masterclass series Part 1: Why has our relationship lost it’s passion?

With passion, attraction and sexual energy being the life blood of any intimate relationship it’s critical that a couple understands how to keep this side of their relationship alive whilst knowing the hidden pitfalls that can kill it dead.

Many people, men and women complain their relationship has become passionless or loveless. They are experiencing either the passion dying over time, or one person has simply lost attraction for their partner.

This loss of passion and attraction is likely to be happening for a very good reason, but the couple will usually be unaware of what’s happening before it’s too late. [Read more...]

Stopping the battles and power struggles

In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.

When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.

Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need. [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage?

If an individual or couple really wants to save their marriage they have to understand how they are going to positively influence their situation.

When a marriage goes into crisis what the individuals in the relationship do next could change their lives forever so taking swift action is critical because once a problem takes hold shifting it is a really challenge especially if you don’t know how.

Many people make it far worse without knowing and they panic letting their fears take hold making the situation far worse.

Every situation is different and every couple needs help that’s tailored for their specific situation.

Through this post I cannot tell you what to do in your personal crisis to save your marriage because your best action will be different to the next couple. [Read more...]

Too afraid to love…

If there was ever a list of problems that consumed the majority of couples, being ‘too afraid to love’ would be very high on that list. Sadly many individuals/couples are not aware that this is their challenge and as you read on you will discover why.

I see couples in crisis every week so I’m going to have a very unique perspective on the world of relationships, so in todays post i’m going to share what I’m seeing with these couples in crisis so if you are struggling this may help you.

If you were aware that ‘not being loved’ was one of the biggest fears for all humans then this might start to give us some perspective on why being ‘too afraid to love’ is such a widespread problem. [Read more...]

Masterclass: Security & Desire what’s the cost of getting the balance wrong?

When a couples relationship starts to die one thing will become apparent. One or both people will have lost their desire for their partner. It seems that many couples are struggling to balance security and desire and the cost is catastrophic for their family.

Lets look at what happens when they lose just desire in their relationship.

  • They will struggle to find their partner attractive.
  • They could see the future together as a painful experience.
  • They will lose the desire to meet their partners needs.
  • They may want to spend time either at work, hobbies, friends or family.
  • They are likely to stop seeing their partner as a source of pleasure and attach problems such as feeling trapped, alone, worthless.
  • They even might start seeing other people as more attractive.

So clearly losing desire is something we must all avoid because the relationship loses momentum energy and dies.

So what helps someone lose their desire for their partner? [Read more...]

Valentines Day is coming!

Valentines day is approaching and for my regular readers you may have noticed I never comment on special days and religious events.

I have however decided this to make this year an exception.

My personal thought is any day that enables two people to share their love for each other is an amazing day in my book.

However from what I have heard there are very mixed feelings about this day. [Read more...]

Holding back your love

There are times in every relationship when your partner will do or say something that will shock you. 

It could be a small thing that just keeps irritating you even though you’ve told them it upsets you, but they carry on not seeming to care or…

…It could be a big thing that helps you question if you really know the person you are living with.

When our partner hurts us emotionally it can affect us very deeply. So if this happens what do we all want to do? [Read more...]

Are you passionate about your relationship? If so this is for you…

If you want your relationship/marriage to work then learning the answer to this question will be a monumental jump forward for any couple to explore.

Question: What really has to happen for couples to stay connected in a meaningful way for life? 

Many couples are only learning they should have known the answer to this question after they survived their own personal crisis…

These couples have lived a half life with each other, coping and existing, never really connecting at a level which would have worked long-term. [Read more...]

Get your marriage back on track – For Men

Too many couples wait far too long before they seek help. Men in particular are really struggling to see how bad the relationship really is for her and he only wakes up to the true severity of the problem when she says she doesn’t love him, or she wants out.

So many men have sat in my sessions totally confused about how it got so bad so fast. The truth is for her it’s likely to have been bad for a while he has just missed the signs.

The chances are for her the problems have been consciously present for at least two years. Some women communicate problems and fears from the start of the relationship. [Read more...]