Total Relief

July 7, 2016 by

As this couple sat in front of me you could see the total relief on their faces. I smiled and asked them “what do you now need from me?” they both looked at each other and together smiling said “nothing”.

This snap shot of their current reality was the polar opposite of what they brought to me a few months before.

She was making all the sounds that sounded like separation and he was at a total loss as to why they were even in this situation.

All he knew his wife had totally changed and his world was turning upside down, she talked to him about the potential of staying married, but just living different lives even living in different parts of the world.

To him this was out of the question. [Read more...]

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Listening is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner.

June 6, 2016 by

Listening is probably the most under developed skill I experience with couples that come for my help.

Of course they know how to physically hear, but they don’t know how to truly listen to what their partner is saying.

Some of the problem is they are so focused on what they want to say in response to their partners words they are not listening to the words their partner is actually saying.

BUT this is a small part of a much bigger problem… the real challenge is this…

What are they really hearing when their partner is speaking? [Read more...]

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Love alone is not enough

May 9, 2016 by

One of the major challenges most individuals face in their relationships is understanding how to become truly valuable to their partner so their partner will feel magnetised to love them forever.

I have a huge amount of empathy for anyone in a relationship that’s not working, because I know personally how emotionally painful/confusing it is to be in this place.

I was not born understanding relationships, however I did have one philosophy that gave me a head start and the momentum to be where I am today. I understood that the most valuable part of our existence on this planet was our relationship with someone special. [Read more...]

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“Please Just Tell Me The Truth…”

May 2, 2016 by

The real answer couples are looking for in their relationship is the truth. Why did you have the affair? Are we really compatible? Why do you keep lying to me? Am I emotionally safe with you? What made you fall out of love with me? If we try to fix our marriage, how can I trust it will last?

The truth is what sets us free in life and in relationships.

Many think that I fix relationships and that’s my job.

My real mission is to help couples/individuals discover the truth in their relationship. I do this by asking the questions that are most likely to lead both me and the couple to a deeper understanding of their relationship and why they are sat in front of me. [Read more...]

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10 relationship illusions that can lead a couple to divorce

February 29, 2016 by

Principles, philosophies, ways of thinking. Whichever way you cut it just like life, relationships have simple laws that if broken will cause problems. 

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles‘ are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.

1. I have no control over what I feel

2. Loss of love is permanent 

3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us [Read more...]

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She said she no longer loved him…

January 18, 2016 by

Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died. 

As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.

This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.

She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.

Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.

There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life. [Read more...]

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Rebuilding trust to regain emotional connection

November 30, 2015 by

When a person in a relationship believes that their emotional self is not being looked after or respected by their partner they are highly likely to want to protect themselves from the person that is supposed to love them.

The process of protecting themselves leads that person to lose trust in their partners ability or desire to care about what they are thinking or feeling.

If this need to protect ones self goes on for long enough then the couple are in danger of one or worse both people emotionally detaching and this can be catastrophic for that couple.

The near impossible challenge is to love someone whilst needing to protect yourself from them. This process of protection leads people to feelings that suggest they love their partner, but they are not in love with them. [Read more...]

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Trust issues: Taking back control

November 23, 2015 by

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

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Stephen Hedger saved our marriage

November 16, 2015 by

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

I suspected my wife was having an affair for several months which was awful, but when she finally admitted to it, I was overcome with many different emotions.

I had no idea what to do as it’s very difficult to talk to anyone for obvious reasons. I realised we needed help and after much internet research, I called Stephen.

I immediately knew I had made a good choice as he really listened and gave me some useful advice ahead of our first meeting. My wife was INITIALLY reluctant to attend, but Agreed. Stephen called what she was experiencing as love heroin which Seemed apt.

We had several very tough months, especially when my wife got back in contact with the other man. I can safely say without Stephen my marraige would have collapsed at this point.

HOWEVER, Stephen scheduled in some crisis sessions for us and we both Agreed a way forward. My wife and I have emerged from a very bad place to now love eachother more than ever as Stephen has helped us address the problems that inevitably occur after 17 years of marriage. We now really understand eachothers needs and emotions so much better than before.

Towards the end of our sessions, Stephen devoted several sessions to help us with our 16 year old daughter’s difficult behavior. My daughter really liked Stephen and it has really helped our understanding of her, and also strengthened our marriage as we now work much more as a team and are no longer in conflict with our daughter.

Stephen’s advice in the whole process has been amazing – he really understood the different dynamics involved with both myself and my wife in every step of our journey in the last four months or so.

He has saved our marriage and made it so much better than it was before.

I can recommend without hesitation Stephen – he is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met.

Written by a Banker and his wife

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Want to avoid a divorce?

November 2, 2015 by

When a relationship is going well it’s one of the biggest sources of pleasure, but when problems strike and specifically problems the couple don’t know how to solve the individual(s) can start to suffer.

Some suffer quietly and some are vocal about their experience.

When a person suffers for too long this can lead them to an emotional detachment process and as a result they can create feelings that tell them their love for their partner is dead permanently, it’s important to know that assumption is not necessary a fact.

The biggest problem couples face is not having the tools to understand what is really happening in their relationship. So they adopt these kinds of positions… [Read more...]

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Are you valuable to your partner?

October 12, 2015 by

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]

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Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

September 28, 2015 by

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]

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“Thank you for not giving up on me…”

September 21, 2015 by

These were the words from a woman that months before swore blind that her marriage was dead. She was thanking her husband for not giving up the fight to save his relationship and family.

Months before she sat in my office telling me that she would explore the relationship, but her mind was made up, she wasn’t in love with her husband and she had to leave.

She also presented a relationship history that essentially said she never really loved him and she had made a mistake marrying him.

To him this was a total contradiction of his experience, he even bought up letters and cards of love that she had written to him over the years. She denied any of it was real and she was playing a part. [Read more...]

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Affairs – Infidelity – Cheating is it a sign of things to come or simply a wake-up call?

July 28, 2015 by

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that dealing with Infidelity makes up a significant percentage of my work with couples. In these situations my job isn’t just to save their marriage, it’s to learn how they got into this position and to help the couple discover if it’s possible to rebuild a dynamic that works for them both.

Sadly many people who embark on affairs are not understanding what’s happening within them. For some they are putting a relationship they want to keep on the line.

For others they could be keeping a relationship artificially alive that is actually dead whilst their needs are meet through the new secret relationship. [Read more...]

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Can your subconscious mind can help you fall out of love

July 19, 2015 by

The simple answer is yes. Many individuals will communicate they have fallen out of love with their husband or wife. What they are not aware of is, to achieve this emotional state they had to do something to themselves to achieve it.

Falling out of love does not just magically happen there is a process within a person that enables it.

Because this persons experience of falling out of love is going to be driven by their subconscious mind they will experience automatic FEELINGS.

The person will feel their feelings have just happened to them, therefore this is their truth, when in reality they actually created them without knowing. This will leave the person telling a ‘truth’, the feelings they used to experience such as ‘love’ have gone, but not necessary forever because feelings such as ‘love’ can come and go depending on what we do. [Read more...]

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How to move a relationship out of crisis?

May 18, 2015 by

If you are in crisis and you want to make a change in your relationship then it’s critical that the process of making that change is understood if you are to be successful.

The most common scenario I see is when one person feels the relationship has died. They have lost their feelings for their partner and do not know how to get their feelings back. Some of course don’t even want to try.

One person is likely to be in a position where they are desperate to save the relationship and they can get very busy trying to stop them leaving.

Individuals panicking to save their relationship will usually notice they are making their fragile situation much worse through taking the wrong actions. The result is they are likely to see their partner become more detached the more they try to keep them in the relationship. Both people can now feel stuck. [Read more...]

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Signs your marriage is heading for serious problems

May 11, 2015 by

All marriages will have problems, what’s important is how you both deal with those problems. Many couples are not seeing they are heading for a divorce until it’s far too late.

As you scan through the list below the couples I see who are all in crisis  have all communicated a combination of the problems below.

So this is a heads up on some of what’s important to be focused on as a sign that changes are needed to rebuild the relationship so it lasts.

No emotional connection

If you don’t have the emotional connection you think you should have, then you have a gap in your relationship that will create emotional pain. If you don’t know how to close that gap then the pain will start to go deeper. [Read more...]

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How to regain trust in a relationship?

April 20, 2015 by

Whenever there is a breach of trust in a relationship it can feel impossible to get that trust back. Especially if it seems that a breach of trust has happened multiple times.

What you are about to read is what the smart people are learning so please read carefully. You see, when dealing with relationship challenges the logic you think will fix the problems is rarely what will. So if you want to learn what really works please become curious about what your going to discover below.

For every couple who are experiencing problems, loss of trust is going to be one of their biggest challenges.

It’s obvious that someone might want to know, how to rebuild trust after cheating, or after an affair, however trust is not only attached to other people, infidelity and lying… [Read more...]

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Masterclass series Part 1: Why has our relationship lost it’s passion?

March 22, 2015 by

With passion, attraction and sexual energy being the life blood of any intimate relationship it’s critical that a couple understands how to keep this side of their relationship alive whilst knowing the hidden pitfalls that can kill it dead.

Many people, men and women complain their relationship has become passionless or loveless. They are experiencing either the passion dying over time, or one person has simply lost attraction for their partner.

This loss of passion and attraction is likely to be happening for a very good reason, but the couple will usually be unaware of what’s happening before it’s too late. [Read more...]

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Stopping the battles and power struggles

February 28, 2015 by

In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.

When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.

Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need. [Read more...]

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