Too many people regret divorcing once the dust has settled

What do you do when a spouse is convinced the marriage is over? Unfortunately for many couples they are unaware of how much havoc their minds can play with their thoughts as they struggle to make sense of their marital crisis. 

So I thought it worthwhile to expand this topic to help you either avoid this, or take action if divorce is on your mind.

I see a good volume of couples that have split up prior to seeing me and months / years later come to my session needing help to understand what happened and how can they ensure it doesn’t happen again.

When we experience relationship problems of course our feelings are real, but the meanings we put to them are not going to be as factual as we might think. A study was conducted and it revealed that at least 50% of people that chose to divorce [Read more...]

Listening is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner.

Listening is probably the most under developed skill I experience with couples that come for my help.

Of course they know how to physically hear, but they don’t know how to truly listen to what their partner is saying.

Some of the problem is they are so focused on what they want to say in response to their partners words they are not listening to the words their partner is actually saying.

BUT this is a small part of a much bigger problem… the real challenge is this…

What are they really hearing when their partner is speaking? [Read more...]

Does your partner want to leave your relationship?

When someone has decided they want to leave their relationship, or are making sounds this is what they want, it’s key to understand what is really going on within them so you can help them make a good decision for them?

I’ve written todays post to uncover what is really going on and why because it’s perfectly possible to reconnect a couple who look like they are at the end of the road once the couple understand what’s really happening to them.

So let start with the basics, many people are not aware that life is really about our ‘feelings’. We are all on a quest to achieve the feelings we want.

We like the feelings that make us feel good and we do our best to move away from ‘the things’ that create painful or uncomfortable feelings. [Read more...]

What makes a great marriage?

Every couple is unique and their vision for a great marriage will differ across the world. If these couples were aware of the knowledge that would keep their marriage safe no matter what, it would make a significant difference to a trend that is leading so many couples to the end of their marriage.

To take a relationship where two people are fulfilled and connected passionately they need to be aware of some simple skills.

The first skill is to become aware of what you don’t know.

From the start of your relationship your partner is going to be having a very different experience from you within your relationship, [Read more...]

He thought she didn’t love him so he started an affair?

This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.

She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.

What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.

He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her. [Read more...]

Helping a couple to breakthrough their problems and avoid divorce

How is it possible to help a couple in crisis? How can you bring a couple back from the brink of divorce? How is it possible to help that couple even if that couple are convinced there is no way back?

The answer is to change the thinking that lead them both to disaster. But the way they change their thinking has to connect them to their true-selves otherwise the changes cannot be sustained.

The reason couples struggle so much and end up shutting down and seeing divorce as the only option is because they were trying to use the thinking that created their problems to solve their problems.

New understandings about their experience together is the key to new meanings and a safer future together.

Communication is critical in any relationship so couples have to learn how to translate what their partner has really been trying to say. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

What do you mean?

Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.

Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.

So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did… [Read more...]

FEELINGS: What is your mind really trying to tell you?

Feelings are very powerful and life changing decisions can be created from them, especially if we keep having the same feelings about the same things.

For example: My husband doesn’t understand me, or my wife is so negative. If people keep having this experience what feelings will they experience and what meanings will be created?

The wife that thinks her husband doesn’t understand her is going to have feelings that means he doesn’t care. The husband that thinks his wife is always negative is going to feel she is impossible to please.

Practiced enough these two feelings can lead a couple to [Read more...]

Fix your relationship with one small easy change that anyone can do…

What if one small change could make all the difference to your marriage and could save it from months or years of problems.

What if there is one small change we could all make to keep our relationships safe. Safe from misunderstandings, safe from no win arguments, safe from the ups and downs that life throws at us.

What if this one small change could break the patterns of destructions many couples have lived with for so long.

This small change that everyone can make is simply to be the best they can be in their relationship, or more importantly how to learn to be the best they can be. This is really important to understand… [Read more...]

If stacking resentments causes marriage breakdown what causes resentments?

The answer I normally receive is “because my partner has behaved in ways which helped me to feel bad” for most people they don’t set out to help their partner to feel bad so exploring what’s behind the couples meanings and actions is critical.

This is why I help couples in my session learn how to understand each other, so they don’t inadvertently cause pain to each other without knowing.

When someone does something that helps us to feel bad and especially if that action caused us significant pain, we can struggle to let go of the bad feeling and we attach it to our partner, this is a resentment being born. [Read more...]

The art of understanding the woman you say you love

If you want to master this skill, the starting point is to remove your judgement of her words and actions, trust me here, because the cost to you is huge.

The reason I ask this is because if your judge her by your own emotional filters, the meanings you will put to her words and behaviors will not reflect her intent, they would reflect your intent if you were to behave that way.

To clarify you can’t translate her behaviors and give those behaviors a meaning and then make her responsible for your meaning. [Read more...]

Why Do Couples Find Communication So Hard?

The reason couples are struggling with communication is because they are mind-reading the intent behind each others words, this practice is potentially destructive because it erodes trust a foundation that’s needed to keep couples together.

The first step is to ask your partner a simple question. When you are speaking with them find out what meanings they are putting to your words, you might be surprised at what you discover.

In sessions I can ask a couple to communicate to each other and then ask them to write down the meanings to each others words. [Read more...]

The Answer to Your Life Puzzle

Yesterday I wrote about how the meanings we give to situations shape our lives today. So to expand on that we are going to look at the foundation that creates those meanings.

Our focus of thought is the foundation of our life experiences. Without a conscious direction of thought most people minds automatically focus on their fears, or what’s wrong.

The mind is designed for automatic processing of thought so we can quickly understand if we are safe or not. The problems come when we use this automatic thought to design our lives…

If our focus is the foundation of our meaning then most people will live in fear. This fear is brought to life and maginfied by the person as they feel more and more out of control of their life. [Read more...]

The Secret to Taking Charge of Your Life Today!

Today I’m going to share with you one of the most profound distinctions i discovered when learning about how to build a successful life. My question was how do we take control of what happen to our lives, what’s the foundation to building a successful relationship, becoming successful in our careers and discovering our true purpose in life.

The answer I discovered is we need to make it our mission to master our understanding of our own internal worlds.

We are conditioned to believe and accept that our outside world is the driver for what we become and what happens in our lives.

This is an illusion that keeps us stuck, because if we feel our outside world has the power to help us feel a certain way then we are powerless within it. I will explain why… [Read more...]

How to Heal Broken Relationships

The most effective process for helping couples develop the skills to grow their relationship starts with their relationship with themselves. The couple are the foundations to the relationship and if the foundations are weak the relationship suffers.

You see if individual(s) are challenged by past events then that past will be used as one of their filters to make sense of their world. The meanings they give to their relationship will be based on that past combined with many other critical filters. Many people are not aware of these filters and how powerful they are.

Most individuals have some kind of misalignment without knowing. Society and parents teach people methods of how to destroy relationships without knowing. Individuals can come to sessions with no obvious past traumatic event, only to discover the way they experience the world is complex and unwinnable. [Read more...]

Communication Rules For Relationships

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

What are the meanings behind your partner words? Many of us react to our partner words without stopping to think, what did they really mean?

Listening is one of the most critical parts of communication, but in personal relationships the emotions are usually high and we can react before we think and before you know it we have a war on our hands.

One of the biggest complaints I hear in relationships is he or she doesn’t understand me.

So when your partner is speaking with you next, take your time to listen to their words.  Our natural response is to put our own meanings to their words, but of course by doing this you’ll miss their point totally. This can cause conflict.

Because men and women communicate so differently and emotions can run high it is critical to understand each others true meanings behind their words.

So ask them what they meant and see if your initial reaction was going to be the right one.

I run this in sessions and couples are generally shocked at how wrong they are when the meaning behind each others words are explored.

Divorce Advice: Is a divorce the right solution?

I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?

Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?

How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?

I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…

Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?

When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…

…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.

So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.

When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.

This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.

The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.

So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.

What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.

What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?

My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.

Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Why Do Men Leave Relationships?

So many women on the brink of a relationship breakdown want to know why their husband / boyfriend seems to have given up. Those whose husbands/boyfriends have left them are confused and are left with the question… WHY?

Why did he leave? Or why has he given up, or stopped trying? Why did he never speak about his feelings?

The reason any man wants to leave a relationship is because he feels he has done all he can to get his partner to be happy. He may also feel that he is not enough for her, but either way it is a feeling of failure on some level and a feeling that if he stays with her his life will never be how he wants it to be.

One of the hardest concepts to get across to women, especially ones who are having a bad time with their partner is that the man is hard-wired to please his partner. He will do this with great enthusiasm is the early day of the relationship. Then as it always does something goes wrong and he sees that it is possible not to please her all the time. [Read more...]