What is Love Really?

“Love” is a wonderful word with so many potential meanings, that can be combined with the hope of a future of connected happiness, harmony and passion with a significant someone who you believe has your best interests at heart. Not just your lover, but your best friend too.

So if a couple gets into trouble and the future looks very unstable how can the couple claim to still love each other?

Some couples in this situation may even say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you!” is that really possible or is that a smart get out clause.

What does this magical word “Love” really mean?

I remember being with a group of women who wanted to have a session to collectively ask me questions about relationships. [Read more...]

The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]

Which Choices Will Create The Life You Want?

The life and relationships you have today is the result of the choices you have made from the moment you were born. What you think, how you think, the meanings you give what you think. Your thoughts and what they mean, create choices that are specific and unique to you and will help you to feel good or bad.

Some people think and get rich, some people think and have great relationships, some people just don’t think about what matters yet complain that the world is unfair.

What you think creates your choices and thus your results

If you think about it every step of the way you have been making choices from your childhood through to your adult life today. Every result that you have today and in the past has been created based on a series of choices you made, good and bad.

These choices create the habits and these habits create the life you have right now! [Read more...]

“A Richer Life Full of Love For YOU – Starts Here!”


THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!

Like the many 1000′s of individuals that visit StephenHedger.com each month in search of answers to their problems both personal and relationship, I expect you too, are looking for a solution to a problem that is, or has been affecting your quality of life.

Typical problems…

Communication breakdown, arguments, affairs, lack of trust, loss of confidence, sexual problems, jealously, money problems, stress, depression, lack of confidence, etc…

There is one key factor that is driving the problems you are experiencing today…

Only when you understand how to use this new found knowledge, will your ability to discover the truth in your life and your relationship magnify 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times into the ability to create a happy future. [Read more...]

Emotional intelligence the key to happiness

If you desire happiness and fulfillment in your life, what is it, that will really create the difference for you?

The starting point is this: If you do not understanding how you work prepare yourself for pain. If you want a relationship and you don’t understand how you work prepare yourself for massive pain.

  • Why do you think the way you do?
  • Why do you behave the way you do?
  • Why do the same things create different reactions on different days for you?

The biggest problem most people face and I see this in all my sessions is my clients are under the illusion that what they think is true, or a fact.

I can tell you now that most of what you think and feel is due to conditioning from society, and this conditioning has hypnotised people how to think and behave. [Read more...]

Relationship Tip For Sunday

When couples get into relationship struggles one of the things they do is go in search of more problems and it’s doesn’t take long for them to find them.

They then put meanings to their problems, because as humans we have to make sense of what we think. Because we trust ourselves we then believe the meanings we create, those meanings become unchallenged facts.

Those facts then allow us to become the judge of our partners.

This is one of the most dangerous practices individuals make in their relationships. NO ONE, and I mean no one is qualified to judge the behaviours of their partners.

By all means give feedback on what effect their behaviours are having on you, but never judge them.

Your judgement will be based on your assumption of the intention behind their actions, and viewing their behaviours based on your life experiences and core values. Their behaviours will be based on their life experiences and core values which will be different to yours.

To complicate things further, men and women are designed to experience the world differently due to their inbuilt survival instincts.

So becarefull that some of your judgement is not based on them being in their true gender. This can cause problems as the couple can start to distort themselves to fit into the relationships thus causing even more resentment as a polarity shift can happen and the individuals can then become unhappy or depressed as life is not how it should be.

The woman becomes masculine and the man becomes feminine. Neither happy in these roles, but ironically stuck not wanting to change through fear.

Judgements of others shows you and those you judge little to no respect, values such as respect are important to us, not some of the time, ALL THE TIME!

When you don’t live by what you say you value, trouble, unhappiness, depression, relationship break-ups are never far away.

So…turn your judgments into a cry for help from your partner, that for them something is wrong, and they are telling you because they believe you can help them.

If you knew what they really needed was your help, what would you want to give them now…?

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

What “change” will positively impact your relationship

When we experience relationship problems the natural response is to focus on what is happening in the moment. So what we do is focus on the problem.

The problem is usually just a symptom of the real issue and so whilst the couple may put lots of effort into trying to sort out what they think is the problem, their problem keeps coming back, frustrating the couple to assume that they could be incompatible.

Understanding what is at the root of couples problems is harder for couples to understand. All they know is they are becoming increasingly frustrated that their relationship is not working.

So what can couples do to sort things out. To start with do not focus on your problems, because all you will get is more problems.

The solutions are not in your problems they are likely to be in your past. The combination of your pasts will be creating behaviours that equal the relationship you have today.

Do not underestimate how powerful the past can be on the meanings you are giving your relationship today. After all, our survival is all about learning what equals danger and if in the past you have been hurt in someway then that will affect you moving forward and especially if the life condition feels similar.

Relationships are complex and so treating them as if they are simple might be easy to manage, but the results could end up hurting you more.

The biggest change you can make is to get educated on how your relationship functions, and what will give you all you want and what will destroy it.

Call me today and get the answers you’ve been looking for.

How To Win Your Husband Back

Readers question: How to win back your husband after he made up the decision to get a divorce?

We’ve been married for 3 years and 8 months now, I’m a Filipino and he’s Norwegian, we have fought almost everyday since we lived together we’ve got two kids (3 years old and 1 year old both are girls). We still living together, but totally no romance and no caring anymore. He gave up and he told me he don’t love me anymore and he will need to think that I don’t exist… its been like these since July 2010.

We’ve been to some family coaching office in Norway in June 2010. And they said its a culture conflict. After 3 sessions with them we’ve stopped my husband says they can’t help us. And after one week my husband told me that we can’t live together anymore, he does not want to stay on this relationship anymore and he will fight for kids custody. Two months ago my husband says his waiting for me to do something now about this relationship now… I can feel he wants me to disappear in his life, but I can’t leave my kids with him. Since we stopped the session we don’t fight anymore because we didn’t talk so much now. Were both living like strangers now.. I can’t think anymore how to please him to stay on this relationship.

Hi and thank you for your question.

Obviously I do not have all the information, but from what you have said I expect what your relationship coaches have said is true.

When two people get together it’s always a challenge for life to feel right for the couple if the way they have been brought up is very different. Its hard enough when two people from the same culture have been shown different ways to live, but when the cultures are so different then the couple really does have a challenge.

Having said all of that I want to give you some things to think about.

What is likely to have happened is due to the huge differences between you, you would probably have felt scared about your future with him, and him with you. You may not have felt secure or significant or loved in the way you expected.

The more insecure you felt the more you would test him to find out if he loved you in the way you wanted. The testing him would come out in many ways, but has resulted in arguments.

What he would do is to either defend his actions by arguing back, or he would run away in someway, this could be to go out or shut down.

If this has happened everyday this is exhausting for both of you. So I can see how he wants it to stop. The only solution he sees is for you to be removed from his life.

Lack of understanding is the key if all this is the case. He has missed your real message and that is you don’t feel secure.

If he knew that was your real message, he would not react in the same way.

The reason is this: Men are hard wired to want to please their partners. The main reason he has stopped is because he will have gathered enough proof that no matter what he does he cannot please you.

If he can’t do that, for him the relationship is over.

So the key in all this is how to rebuild the trust between you. Understanding what you both need for a relationship to be successful. Then become committed to meeting those needs plus understanding each others real verbal and non-verbal messages.

Men and women communicate in totally different ways. Men on the whole are very direct and use few words and they mostly mean exactly what they say. Women will use indirect language that can hold a multitude of meanings.

For example: When testing him you might communicate things which to him are not factually true, but you feel them emotionally in the moment. He will argue about the facts of your words and as he does you will escalate the argument as you feel he is more interested in the facts and himself than giving you the love and security you need.

So if you want this man back, help him to feel like a man because this is what he wants. Help him to feel successful with you, show him that he has the power to please you.

Help him know that you don’t feel safe and how he can fix it. The more successful he feels with you more secure he will feel about the future of the relationship. The more he feels like a man, the greater the chances of him helping you feel more like the woman you really want to be.

So jump out of the fearful version of you and become the best partner you can be and love him, you now have nothing to lose.

I hope that helps a little

Is Stress Affecting Your Relationship & Life?

Anyone suffering from stress will be affecting not only their relationship, but all parts of their life.

When we feel over loaded, or over whelmed we have feelings of stress and it is very damaging to our bodies, to those we love and every aspect of our lives.

Relationships themselves can cause stress, as couples can live together with a range of experiences from not feeling enough, to something is wrong, from not getting what they need to a loss of love. Stress can have explosive results due to obvious situations in relationships such as affairs and gross loss of trust.

High pressure jobs can affect your stress levels especially the high risk ones here is a few…

  • Recruitment Consultants
  • Lawyers/Solicitors
  • Teachers
  • Health Care workers
  • Bankers and city traders
  • Head Chefs
  • IT Helpdesk Providers

Other top stress drivers

  • Death of a spouse
  • Divorce
  • Marriage
  • Pregnancy
  • Buying a house
  • Christmas

Of course many of these factors can be having an impact on one person all at once and overload can start to take hold.

At this point chemicals are released into the persons body and will create the physical symptoms of stress and so idividuals will use coping mechanisms to rebalance how they feel.

Physical symptoms of stress

  • Over-eating
  • Excessive drinking of alcohol
  • Loss of appetite or anorexia
  • Smoking more
  • Irritability with other people
  • Substance Abuse
  • You can’t make decisions, large or small.
  • Lack of concentration
  • Increased and suppressed anger
  • Loss of your sense of humor
  • Paranoia
  • Feeling out of control
  • Excessive emotion & crying at small irritations
  • Permanently tired even after sleep – (another very common symptom of stress)
  • Decreased sex drive / libido

To stop the build up of unwanted chemicals, exercise is critical, but more than that by understanding the meanings we are giving to these situations and controlling our thoughts will have a significant impact on when these chemical are released.

100 people will have 100 different reactions to the same situation, so it’s not the situation that is causing the problem it’s the meanings we give them.

Our meanings are created from our experience of our world so far, if you can change the meanings that you create you will change your reaction to potentially stressful events.

Left untreated stress can have significant impact on physical health and can lead to depression and anxiety.

  • If you would like help with Stress please get in contact today.

Depression: Relationship Problems

Depression is affecting my relationship: Which came first the chicken or the egg. Relationships problems can cause depression, or relationship problems can be a result of depression.

Having a depression in a relationship can put significant strain on any couple.

So getting help to deal with it is critical: There are many forms of help, but my favorite is to work with the individual and help them understand what they are doing to make depression a possibility.

Plus I help them understand if they are caught in a cycle where they are choosing depression without knowing. This can happen because they are getting something they believe they are missing from their lives, E.G. Attention: Depression can in some cases help them to get significance in the form of sympathy, caring and love which they don’t get when they are well.

How do people do depression?

Sounds like a strange question I know, but the reality is many people suffering from depression are creating behaviours that if those that were not depressed did every day, they would become depressed too.

For example: If anyone practiced all three of these activities they too would become depressed.

  • If you focused on all the problems in your life.
  • If you spoke to yourself in a non caring way. I.E. “I am a awful mother” or “I’m a rubbish husband”.
  • If you spoke slowly, head down, shoulder hunched, arms folded.

If anyone did that for week-after-week they would become depressed too.

Of course depression and the causes can be very complicated, because there are many reason why life might not be the way it should be for the individual suffering. Plus we are chemical beings and so our chemical make up also comes into play.

The bottom line is the more you can do to help yourself through understanding how you work and how the meanings you are giving to your life is creating how you feel. The better armed you are to put depression in reverse.

If you would like more information on how I can help please contact me NOW!.

Is my past effecting my future?

The simple answer is yes. The reason is because the meanings that you have given to the world you live in has created your beliefs about the world. This is why everyone is so very different.

These beliefs feel like facts and so people behave as if they are.

This really shows up in relationships. For example, if you and your partner have experienced very different childhoods then your expectation of how life and relationships should be will be very different.

The result is misunderstandings and conflict as one or both people become fearful of an uncertain future together.

Other ways your past effects you is by the life conditions you were given. For example if arguments were part of how your family dealt with problems then this will be your pattern for problem solving.

In other words what goes in is what comes out, especially when under pressure.

We run patterns of behaviour that as children worked for us at that time.

This is where the fun begins, because many people I see in my clinics are still running those patterns as adults and I don’t mean those just turning 18 I am talking 18-70+.

Now imagine how much havoc a pattern that was designed for teenager or younger to cope with their world will have on the world of an adult in a relationship with children of their own.

The problem is those that are affected are not aware of what they are doing, or how it happened. To them their reactions are normal.
It’s usually not until they have experienced enough pain in their life do they say enough is enough and go in search of help.

This is where relationship coaches like myself step in and help individuals understand the real causes behind why they do what they do and how to create new belief systems that will support a future of growth.

Honesty is the best policy!? – Really?

Did your mother always tell you “honesty is the best policy” she is right BUT, here is the bit she missed out. There are many truths in any situation and your relationship and your life is no different. My question to you is which truth are you feeding yourself, in fact which truth are you so focused on that even you now believe your own hype?

Many people become stuck because they are so focused on all that is wrong, they have done this for so long it becomes a part of them, almost home.

As you know there are many ways to experience a situation, and your experiences are based on meanings that you create. 100 people in your situation would feel totally differently to you. Practice feeling bad  enough and the meanings you give to your experiences will become automatic and then feel normal, you dislike how you feel but this is now you.

These bad feelings actually become part of you, some will even defend their feelings and even feel like giving up blaming the whole world for an awful life.

You will then believe that how you feel is real, and it is, but only on the back of what you have focused on constantly that has enabled how you feel today to be possible.

So you can choose to be honest with yourself about how you now feel about your life, or your relationship and how it’s not how it should be and that’s why you feel so dreadful every day…

…or you can choose to be really honest and look for other truths that will help you see how amazing life can be if only you stopped searching for what’s wrong and focused on getting control of you, and your life.

As soon as you do this what you will notice is you kick your mind into searching for how to get you to a far better place.

Relationships, money, careers etc… You can plan what you want far easier from a place of hope than from a place of despair. So if you have just realised that it’s you that’s has created your own despair what do you now want to do.

There are as you can see, many truths make sure you don’t get caught up in the one that hurts you and makes your life as it is today, and makes it permanent.

How To Stop Arguing?

The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…

…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.

Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.

  • The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?

The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.

Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then you’ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.

Arguments go round in circles

Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.

So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.

This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.

Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.

Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.

So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.

Remember it’s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created that  equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner can’t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.

Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Body Language Hands Feet & Body

In this weeks “Who is attracted to you” body language series we will look at the body and what’s it doing to communicate attraction to others.

Next time you are out, start to notice what others are doing because their body is giving off signals constantly and we are picking up these signals and converting them into meanings without knowing, so lets turn these subconscious messages into conscious messages.

Body language makes up for 70%+ of our communication, so people don’t have to speak to tell you how they are feeling and if they are interested in you.

What’s really important to decipher all these messages is not just to look for one or two signals because these could be an accident, so look for a multiple signals.

Body Language Tips

It’s logical to know that if someone is attracted to you they will want to look their best for you. So their mind will be directed to their self-image and what they look like. This will focus them to their own hair and clothes and without knowing they will start to preen themselves, they will adjust their hair, and straighten and tidy their clothes.

Men will try to make themselves look bigger, with puffed out chests, legs apart, maybe even thumbs in jeans and elbows out, anything to be bigger than they really are, women will try to look smaller with crossed legs and arms in tight. You may notice tall women can develop a slight stoop as she tries to look shorter.

Both men and women will subconsciously point their feet to the person they are attracted to. So they could be chatting with friends in a bar and pointing their feet at you.

They will do the same with hands, they will be directing you their hand to what they want you to see on them or they will be pointing at you, could be whilst holding a glass.

Listen to the voices

Men will lower their voices when around women they are attracted to and women’s voices will become higher. Nature has designed us to be attracted to the differences in the sexes so our reflex response is to create exaggerated differences without knowing.

  • If you work with a female boss you will notice that she has had to make her voice become lower. She has done this without knowing, so she can survive in the male business world.

A group of women in a bar will become louder with giggles, shrieks and a full range of female sounds designed to attract near by attractive males.

A man who is with a group of his friends will stand outside of the group so possible female admirers can get a good look at him.

There are many more things to look out for, but this will help you notice what you notice about the world you are in.

The key is to notice as many signals as possible then when the person is not looking move to a different position so you can still see them. If they turn to look to where you were originally standing/sitting and then scan the room for you, then you know for sure they are attracted.

The acid test is lots of eye contact combined with a confident smile. If you receive this then you now need to discover what to do next.

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?

Why Is He Ignoring Me?

Many women have a question that worries them and keeps coming up in the relationship coaching sessions… “Why is he ignoring me?

There is about a billions reasons why he could be ignoring you, which one have you decided to focus on? The chances are it’s probably the worst one, which means “you’re feeling you are not going to be enough for him” and that scares you”

But did you know this fear is likely to drive him away if he also misunderstands you in the same way. So lets stop this one right now, to protect you both from each others fears.

When a woman goes quiet what does this mean?

When a woman goes quiet on a man it means trouble is brewing. When a man goes quiet on a woman it means he is happy and content in his world. So the fact that women think he is ignoring her is a perception rather than a fact, that drives problems out of nowhere.

The same situations and two different meanings can cause so many confusions. Relationships are riddled with exactly this problem, where the wrong meanings are created.

The fact is men don’t like talking in the same way that women talk, actually men hate it!

Women can talk for hours on the phone, men will spend 30 seconds.

It’s dangerous to create meanings out of assumptions, because you will always be wrong. If you believe your meanings you will feel bad and attach those bad feelings to him, and this will start to break down the foundations of the relationship and that means you can no longer trust each other.

Find out the truth, then react, and above all, no matter what is going on…
DO NOT JUDGE HIM! YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED!

Plus he will start to see you as someone he can’t trust, to believe in him. He will then see the relationship as somewhere he can never be the man he wants to be, he will attach massive pain to a future with you and leaving you will be powerful in his mind if these feeling stick.

Or he will become a boy in the relationship, always ready to do as you ask, ready to be stepped on by you. Turn your man into this and you will lose respect for the boy that you have created out of the man that just wanted to make you happy.

Is this what you really want?

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

How Our Minds Work – Your Focus

Yesterday we started to understand perception and how we create the meanings for the world we live in and how those perceptions can craft your future. Click how our minds work if you missed part 1

Today I’m going to expand on this and talk about your focus and how that works with your perceptions to design your life and relationships.

All this happens without you knowing, so imagine how powerful this can be if you can choose your perceptions, and now your focus.

Suddenly they just start appearing

Have you ever bought something like a car and suddenly noticed lots of cars just like yours suddenly appear? Or if you were expecting a baby, then did the world suddenly look like it was full of pregnant women? Is this magic, or coincidence of course not?

If this or something similar has happened to you, then that’s your focus in action. The truth is the world did not change, what changed was your focus and until you had that focus you went through life deleting all information that was not important, such as that model of car or pregnant women.

I will say that again, if you deem information to not be important, you will delete it as if it never happened. In fact you will swear that it didn’t happen, even if it did.

You may even receive information you don’t totally understand and so you may have to distort it so it fits into your model of the world, so your version of events never actually happened, children are victim of this and it’s why what information you feed you children is critical.

Your mind is creating your world

Now you know that through your mind the world will present to you what you focus on, what do you want the world to give you?

If you are a negative person what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in the world.

If you fear being in the wrong relationship what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in your relationship, and go on a mission to discover everything that may hurt you. Even if you have the best relationship in the world you would find problems, because problems are always available.

The key is knowing what to focus on to give you what you really want.

Some may say they want more money and they have focused on this for years and they are still poor. What these people don’t realise is they actually focused without knowing on not having enough money and so they practised, not having enough money until they were successful at it.

If these people focused on creating careers that were inline with all they value emotionally, and they persistently worked on growing their value within those markets, they would then see results that would in turn provide them with the money they desire. The focus here is on growth and contribution not on a lack.

People in problem relationships will have practised focusing on a fear for their future. When they find the many problems their fears have created they will then focus on protection or security from their partner. This will help them focus on attaching all their bad feelings to their partners and then make them responsible for making them feel bad.

Change your focus and change your life

Why not create a focus for what you really want. This is the biggest challenges for coaches and their clients. Because what a client thinks they want, is never what they really want.

A coach knows the client wants emotions. The clients thinks the outside world is the route to those feelings, the coach knows the route to their true happiness is within themselves.

So what is going to be the focus of your life and what perceptions of the world are going to give you all you desire?

Something to think about…