“Please don’t panic?”

Don’t panic is a message I give all my clients whilst I help them understand their crisis to the point they can make an intelligent decision about their life direction.

Panicked people who are scared, lost in their life or marriages will create behaviours that can lead them to survival based behaviours that for many disable them getting to their truth.

Today’s post is about seeing the truth and trusting yourself to lead you and your family to physical and emotional safety.

Life is constantly giving us lessons that either we recognise or we ignore. The key to being successful in life is being able to see those lessons so we can keep ourselves and our families safe. [Read more...]

So many men and women are needlessly suffering in their relationships…

Men and women are needlessly suffering in their relationships simply because they don’t know how to translate the other persons’ words and behaviours.

The impact of not understanding this critical skill is significant.

Due to this problem some couples enter into a conflict that goes round in circles without a solution.

Some stop communicating their problems but stack resentments against each other.

Some people create other relationships or get their needs met outside the marriage.

Some simply don’t know the extent of the pain and suffering their partner is in.

Men and women are both suffering, but are likely to express it very differently.

‘the final nail in the coffin’

Whatever dynamic the couple creates through their lack of understanding they will start to practice what I call ‘the final nail in the coffin’ – They will start to consistently protect themselves from their partner.

When this happens it transfers that persons focus and belief system to focus on everything that’s wrong, to be clear the good is still there they just cannot see it.

They can practice focusing on everything that’s wrong until their emotions for their partner have died and now they can leave.

An example: One lady I was working with wanted to save her marriage, her husband was not sure what he wanted.

She started sharing her problem with her husbands’ historic behaviours.

I watched her husband emotionally running out of the door as he translated her words.

She had no idea she was making things worse. She had no idea he was hearing attack and criticism.

She had no idea he was collecting her words taking them to heart in such a way he could never be successful with her.

So she was providing the case for him to leave.

For her she was simply hoping he would connect to her pain and suffering totally unaware she was connecting him to his own pain and suffering – the more she spoke the more pain he was in and he simply wanted to go.

In this case, both people had misunderstood what they had to do to get to the truth in their marriage.

Her way of communicating was actually shutting him down but he too was not understanding why she speaking this way.

To him, she was aggressive, negative and mean. I totally understood why he would say that but he wasn’t right.

Two things needed to change – she needed to understand the tools and understanding that would attract him back into the marriage.

He needed to understand how to accurately translate her words and actions so he never needed to protect himself from her again.

His problem was his translation of her words and actions. Her problem was she had no idea how he was translating her.

I did ask her, did you not notice that what you were saying was making him retreat? She said when she communicated this way historically he understood and looked after her.

I had to tell her he never understood he thought one day you would just be happy. Through his lack of understanding he simply emotionally emptied and now he just wants it all to stop.

To help couples like this I have to help him understand her natural emotional patterns and what she needs to feel safe and loved.

BUT!

He must translate her in a way that enabled him to stay connected to himself. For him, this would be a critical life skill.

For her, she would have to understand his world and how to connect to him in a way he would value.

By helping couples understand how they can become positive influencers of each other in the marriage you empower them to create two powerful forces needed for the marriage to survive.

  1. They understand their partners’ world and what they need.
  2. They stay connected to their core self.

This process enables couples to start to see a future again.

Far too many couples are practising the reverse and it’s destroying their connection and any kind of future.

This example is just one pattern of many distorted dynamics couples can create without knowing.

With so much hanging in the balance, understanding how to be successful together is one of those critical life skills we never know we needed until it’s too late.

Many of my clients have told me that when their children marry one of their wedding presents to their children is a pre-marriage course with me.

 

 

“Stop trying to fix your problems – you’re making them worse!’

This is a typical instruction I will give to couples who are on the edge of divorce and don’t know what to do or think.

Men and women are so disconnected to the impact of their behaviours with each other they are significantly reducing their chances of success without knowing.

Specifically what you will discover in today’s post is some behaviours and expectations so many people are using that are likely to accelerate their problems.

So the key is to become aware of what won’t work and start to become curious about what will.

The big picture of what I see first hand is people are creating behaviours that kill their attraction and break their connection. [Read more...]

“Emotionally unavailable partner”

I see many couples where one person has become emotionally unavailable in the relationship. The effects are incredibly damaging to the relationship as every day that passes creates more distance and damage.

So many people come to me asking “how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

Couples that end up in this pattern try to live in this distortion but it’s like a ticking bomb waiting to wreak havoc on their lives in the form of either affairs or separation and divorce.

Below are a few different examples of how emotionally unavailable relationships are created.

The emotionally unavailable men and women that I see usually have deep-rooted fears they are trying to avoid many have no idea this is happening to them. [Read more...]

Your partner is not like you – At all!

One of the biggest mistakes I see people in relationships make is they don’t take the time to really understand their partner.

Many are under the illusion their partner is like them, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s true many people get together through shared values, but keeping connected to those values is going to be a struggle if you don’t know how to translate your partners’ words and behaviours correctly.

In essence, I see great people who have turned perfectly good marriages into ones no one would want to be in.

They do this because they don’t have the skills and tools to connect to each other when it really matters, so they live disconnected.  [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

He was about to lose her!

So this gentleman came to me upset and confused. What has happened to my marriage? What’s made her so unhappy, and why is she now speaking about leaving me?

He said, “We seemed to be fine we’ve had a great marriage ups and downs like most couples, but this is normal, isn’t it?”

“How did we get here, I thought this happened to other people, not us…”

He went on “I’m a simple man with simple needs I really don’t need that much to be happy.

I agreed with him “…., but one simple thing you want is for her to be happy, is that right?”

He agreed. “That’s why I spent so much time building the business, so she didn’t want for anything.”

I agreed with him that the money was important but. [Read more...]

“The Bulletproof Marriage”

We all like the theory of someone being our soul mate. Someone that has our back and will love us for life, someone that’s a friend and a lover. Someone who will help us become the best of us, pick us up when we are down and cheer us on when we succeed.

Most people want a purposeful life that’s exciting with someone special.

The problem is no one that gets married is going to be able to see the future and know how they will both feel about themselves and each other.

Far too many people end up disappointed with how their life plays out and for some who they have chosen.

Many are bored either with their life or each other. [Read more...]

The worst personality trait that must be solved for the marriage to survive

Last year I was working with a gentleman who was a stunt pilot. He was a really great guy but he suffered from a severe problem and he was not aware of it. In fact, he was convinced his wife was the problem.

His marriage would never work if he kept this problem. As you scan this post you discover what happened to change this gentleman’s thinking – he was visibly shocked.

His problem is a problem I see a lot in varying degrees in my meeting with couples and can affect both men and women.

The root problem is rigidity in the persons thinking. In essence, the person thinks they are right and they will fight to protect those thoughts. [Read more...]

Mastering marital conflicts & communication problems

If you want your marriage to work then it’s critical to get on the same page with this. If we understand the individual words our partner speak why do couples struggle so much when they’re put in a sentence.

Virtually every couple on some level know they have a communication problem but it can manifest itself in so many areas of their life that the real problem can become so confused.

Are we disagreeing about the problem or is it the way we are disagreeing that’s now the problem?

Many couples are experiencing the moment when they say something to their husband or wife and their partner seems to take their words and change it to mean something totally different.

This process can spark conflict as they battle with what was really said and meant. “…if you really think that about me then you don’t know me at all…” [Read more...]

“What do you actually hear when I speak?” – Couples communication problems

One of the most fundamental challenges all couples face is understanding what the other is really saying to them.

If you can’t understand each other then gaining a connection that makes sense is going to become a monumental challenge.

The trend of what I see is the men admit to me they really don’t understand their wives and the women tell me they are being crystal clear to their husbands.

I’m generalising here of course.

In these situations, I have to help women understand what men hear when they speak and help men understand what she wants.

So many women I see cannot believe that their men don’t understand what they are saying, to them their messages are simple to understand so in her mind he, either doesn’t love her or there something wrong with him. [Read more...]

“I don’t have a voice in my relationship”

I see many couples where one person has kept quiet about their own personal suffering in their marriage and it’s devastating for the marriage and can lead the couple into crisis.

  • I see men that say nothing because for him a problem shared is a problem doubled.
  • I see women who once tried to be open with their husband only to discover she’s not emotionally safe when she does.
  • I see individuals that have no voice in their marriage because they have lost connection with themselves.
  • I see people who don’t know how to verbalise their real needs so they suffer in silence.
  • I see people who have had traumatic pasts and they lock those pasts away but still suffer the effects in silence.
  • I see people who have experienced affairs that no longer talk about it but it’s still alive in their marriage years later.
  • I see so many people who don’t say a word because they feel there is no point, some had learnt to keep quiet as children and some learnt it in the marriage.

Here are some REAL LIFE examples of silence leading to a crisis: [Read more...]

7 Mistakes couples are making that can lead them to divorce

When I started researching relationships I was staggered at how much information I had to learn. For example, every couple is totally unique and they have created very unique ways to experience their problem(s). 

This meant every couple requires totally unique solutions based on a well-defined plan to help them solve their specific problem(s). This results in couples needing multiple approaches to interrupt and permanently correct corrosive patterns.

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of those patterns that help couple lose their connection without them knowing. This post is designed to help any couple reading this stop making their situations worse by either stopping the corrosive behaviour or to seeking help to stop out of control patterns.

1. Lose connection with yourself

It’s so easy to lose a connection with yourself in a relationship. [Read more...]

What Really Saves a Couple from Divorcing?

When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.

At the start of the process:

  • They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
  • They have spent years going round in circles.
  • The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
  • They were exhausted.

I see this as a normal start.

  • What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.

What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship. [Read more...]

What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]

Masculine Women in Relationships

When a couple comes to see me it’s highly likely they have been suffering for a while so I do expect both people to have lost sight of who they really are in their marriage.

One of the challenges I see again an again is when a woman has taken on a masculine energy and it’s destructive for both people.

To be clear men can play a significant role in women becoming masculine, but that will not be covered in this post.

Masculine energy for women can be very useful for her or it can be destructive without her knowing.

Masculine energy can be useful so she can protect and stand up for herself and her children. It can be useful in business. I know and admire many very powerful women in business.  [Read more...]

Why men don’t listen to their wives…

Many women complain to me that their husband doesn’t listen or won’t listen to her. She can complain that he is emotionally unavailable or just not capable of an emotional connection, suggesting that he is broken. 

Not hearing her can leave her feeling disconnected, resentful, and lonely in the marriage.

For women communication is a critical part of building trust, deepening connection so she can feel safe to be herself in her marriage. This helps her to feel safe to love him.

If she can’t connect with him she can feel they are the wrong fit or he doesn’t care or she’s not enough for him. This will lead her to protect herself from him and now a vicious cycle can start.

>>>Today I’m going to share the real reason why men don’t listen to their wives. [Read more...]

Ten year marriage hits crisis – He shares his story

If you are reading this testimonial, it may be that you are in a similar place to where we were a few months ago and searching the internet for a possible solution, with low expectations.  I found these testimonials encouraging – hence offering one today (it is genuine).

Without going into details, following a “bump in the road”, our marriage was at a critical stage with a real risk of it ending – I (the husband) was at fault.  Although neither of us wanted this outcome after a relationship of almost ten years, it was hard to see a way out and how to change things.

This is where Stephen came to the rescue. [Read more...]

“Should I be in this marriage?” She asked

So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?

They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.

I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.

As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.

I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life. [Read more...]

“I have done everything I can to save this relationship..!”

So a couple comes into see me and the message she provides me is “I have done everything I can to save this relationship, it will never change, he will never change what’s the point!?”

Both men and women can give me this blocked and self-limiting message that makes any kind of future feel impossible, however with the right support they can learn there is a way to break-through what they thought was impossible…

…I know because I see it every day.

This week is a perfect example, 12 weeks ago a lady believed that her marriage was over, but this week she no longer wants to leave her husband and can now see a future again?

What she did that was different to most people is she was brave enough to learn and breakthrough her old feelings and beliefs and learn a new truth for her. A truth that was much safer for her to live in. [Read more...]