Why do couples grow apart?

One fundamental reason is this: Women will marry the man she feels he can become, so she expects him to change and grow into that person. Men on the other hand marry the woman he wanted and so he doesn’t expect or want her to change.

This of course is going to create a significant challenge because every day they will be moving further and further apart from each other without knowing the possible expectations.

At the point of relationship breakdown women will explain their disappointment in their partner using words like “he has become someone I don’t recognise”. The men complain “she is negative and nagging” this is not who he married. [Read more...]

Maintaining attraction from dating through to married life

Today’s post is highly relevant to married couples as well as for single people looking for love. It is important because creating attraction is critical no matter what relationship phase you are in.

The pitfall that most people fall into in the early stages of their relationship is they naturally give to their partner what they think they themselves would like.

The problem the couple now face is they are very likely to want to please each other, but they could be turning each other off without knowing. People who are dating end up losing partners that are potentially good for them and married couples end up fulfilling their emotional needs outside the relationship. [Read more...]

Relationship Mastery

Give your love unconditionally, or it may cripple your relationship. Read on and I will share how this can happen. A few months back a couple came to see me she had decided the relationship was over, she felt he was no longer the man she married and she saw no future.

He was very keen to get her back. I was concerned because he was so fearful about losing her, he would do anything to get her back and be unsuccessful if his efforts felt weak and needy to her. She was very clear she would be open minded, but he has to do this for himself not for her, or just to get the relationship back. [Read more...]

10 Relationship Rules

  1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you
  2. Never make your partner wrong
  3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)
  4. Never pull your love away
  5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!
  6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life
  7. Always make your partners needs your needs too
  8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves
  9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)
  10. Always make time for your relationship every day

[Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Women

Yesterday we spoke about helping men to be successful with their partners. Today the basic principle of putting yourself in the shoes of your partner is just as critical for her to do for him.

In other words how to understand him and why he does what he does.

One of the biggest sources of pain for most men is the inability to please, or be successful with his partner. The biggest pain for him is knowing he has failed her and he is not her source of pleasure.

Having worked with so many couples over the years I know that many women do not believe that pleasing her is his goal because she feels so dreadful when she is with him. [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Men

One of the ways to become an amazing partner for her is to understand your partner from her perspective. Too many men only see their world from their own perspective and when he does this she knows he doesn’t understand her.

  • This for her is a significant source of pain and the basis of real problems in relationships today.

When pain strikes many women initially fight and battle with their partner. He sees this battle with her as negative because the fight is proof of something bad for him. [Read more...]

Lack of Understanding Cripples Couples!

The reason so many couples struggle is because they really don’t understand each other. If this goes on for long enough what they start to feel is fear/emotional pain, they feel alone and unsupported. The worst place to feel lonely is in a relationship.

Fear then becomes the filter of experience for that person. So when their partner communicates what they hear is very different from their partners’ original intention. In essence they are searching for problems as their partner communicates to them. Anyone can at this point find problems with the most innocent of comments. [Read more...]

Do You Know Someone Like This?

Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.

Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.

What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work. [Read more...]

She had an affair but years later it still tortures him… WHY!!?

“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…

It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.

This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]

Kissing Too Many Frogs?

Finding the right person to spend your life with is so critical. Getting it wrong can cause so much heartache both for men and women.

So what happens when you keep getting proof that your relationships are not working. What do you do? How do you solve this, who do you blame?

One of my clients in her early forties had this very experience in her words “…for decades”.

Fears play a huge part in the process of getting relationships wrong so this was my instant focus for her. I knew that the fears in her were going to attract men who liked that fearful version of her.

This was a recipe for disaster so I had to help her understand how to create the right version of her so she could attract men who liked her, just the way she was, the real her – minus the fears! [Read more...]

Signs of an Amazing Man!

For all couples that come to me for help there seems to be a confusion surrounding the roles of men and women in relationships.

Of course it’s not for me to tell couples what to do and how to live their lives, but there are some core behaviours that when in place make a significant difference.

One of the most successful behaviours is helping the man to feel like he is the security in the relationship. Women want this and so do the men. But their is confusion as to what secuity actually means and this causes problems. For example: Many men see their role is to create money and this is the fix for creating security.  The money makes him feel like a man.

Whilst on some level this is true, the money is a security it’s actually a weak substitute for what she really wants.

Some men feel that because he told her he loved her last year, she should know he does. He says, “you know I love you don’t you!?”

You see his version of security and hers is totally different. This is why problems are so common.

One of the things she wants is this: At the point she is in emotional pain and fearful of the future she can turn to him for love and certainty in the way she wants.

Most men struggle with this because of the way she presents her pain, this could be shouting, moaning, pulling love away.

In reaction to this men get upset. In other words become emotional. At the moment he does this she sees his fear and she has to get strong to look her and some women end up looking after him.

This creates fear for her because now she is the strength in the relationship and this disconnects her and so their intimacy dies.

When I ask men to love her through the pain she is in [I teach men how to do this – there is a specific way it needs to be done] his normal reaction is to ask, so what her role? What is she going to do for me?

He has now shown me that he wants to create a trade. Trading in relationships is guaranteed to kill intimacy the last thing he wants.

The sign of an amazing man in a relationship is one that does not feel the need to judge his partners reactions, what he focuses on is the pain she is in and he loves her through her pain thus becoming her security.

What this does is ignites the energy back into the relationship. She feels safe to become herself again and her desire to give to her man becomes massive and automatic.

BUT to give, especially intimately she has to feel safe. When a man becomes this security for her, he becomes that amazing man she saw in him when they first met.

The man she always hoped he would be!

Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Women

For many women in relationships getting through to their partner can feel like really hard work. They can’t believe he can be so ignorant to her needs and feelings. To her his lack of care can start to become proof of a lack of love….

Communication is usually a struggle and getting him to understand you can feel impossible. You may have talked when you first met, but today getting him to open up feels impossible…

The challenge for women is as soon as they feel they can’t communicate effectively with their partners they can feel lonely, isolated and very low. Some can feel disconnected with who they want to be and start to dislike who they are becoming. Depression is very possible in this place if this goes on for long enough.

To deal with her feelings in this place she has to get strong inside to cope with his lack of understanding of her emotional needs. This means for many she has to create a more masculine version of herself.

She does this to keep safe, she knows she can’t rely on him to meet her needs and keep her safe, so she takes on this masculine role of protector of herself.

She doesn’t want to be in this place for many reasons. The emotional protection she creates results in her no longer finding her partner sexually attractive. So she will block any desire for intimacy.

So as she pulls away from him to protect herself, he in response will be doing the same.

This can cause real problems for the couple.

He can start to feel that he cannot make her happy. Many men feel they cannot ever please their partners and when they try to fix her problems she become angrier. This stops him trying to fix her problems.

This cycle can get worse the more men feel they can’t win the more women pull away.

Can you relate to this situation? Do you feel out of control of your relationship?

If so get in touch now…

Important: Men and women speak a very different language and this will and does create confusion, it’s not that he doesn’t care it simply that he doesn’t understand how you feel because he is not female.

Soon as he knows what to do to become successful again he will want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

  • If you are in this place PLEASE TAKE ACTION IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Do The Differences Between Men & Women Impact The Outcome of Their Relationship?

This is an important post because it’s about the foundation of our relationships. Without this knowledge our relationships can suffer as love and passion get replaced with loneliness’, fear, resentment, lack of respect to name a few…

Each of us has within us a masculine and feminine side to our personalities. When you consider those couples you know, you will probably see a good mix of traits which contradict what we think is normal. For example: Some women are very masculine and some men very feminine.

Our attraction to each other is based on these differences. What’s important is these differences work for that couple not just when they first meet, but throughout their relationship. If the couple lose these differences this can have significant effects on the happiness of the couple.

You can see this clearly when people attracted to each other first meet. They will be displaying without knowing the desire to display their differences so certain behaviours will become exaggerated.

For example: For men their voices become lower, whilst women’s voices become higher. Men try to look bigger whilst women are trying to look smaller.

Women will walk swaying their hips whilst men walk straight and strong.

These are just a few of the many traits that couples display early in the attraction process.

If the couple start to lose their differences then the relationship changes as they start to feel different with each other. This results in a focus of what’s wrong in the relationship. This focus magnifies the problem and the couple start to have cause for concern.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly the couple can start to notice problems appearing, maybe fighting, lack of desire to spend time together, work, friends hobbies becoming more important than the relationship.

As this happens a shift in the relationship starts to make it feel that you now have real problems as you can no longer trust your partner to help you create a future that looks exciting and safe in the way you want it.

In most couples what’s really happening is the female in the relationship is becoming stronger to cope with behaviours in him which stop her from feeling safe. She may feel she is not heard or understood. He usually misunderstands her words and reacts in ways which destroy their trust even further.

It gets to the point where lack of respect becomes the model by which the couple live by.

The result is the differences that attracted the couple are now in reverse of what worked.

The man has become weaker in the eyes of the woman, some complain with words like… “…it’s like have another child…”, or “…I don’t want to be his mum!”.

This perspective does not help her to feel safe with him, and the desire to be intimate is significantly decreased.

The man is likely to feel that he has given her everything and she is impossible to please, she has either become too aggressive or shut down not letting him in.

The result is, to keep herself safe the woman, has to become more masculine to cope with him and he has become weaker knowing he can’t please her.

The result is both will go to the outside world to reconnect with their needs.

The relationship stops being the source of their happiness and starts to die.

This ping-pong effect which creates fears through a lack of understanding of each others needs can be reversed with new understanding.

So the question now is this: Is it possible after years of problems to correct this. The answer is yes if you both really want to. Even if one person is certain it’s over, a new understanding can shift the foundations of their belief to a new one of hope.

I hope for you this has been helpful? You may have many questions as this is a complex area for couples and usually takes a good two hours to explain in the context of your situation. The changes can be dramatic when you both understand this…

Who knows this post maybe enough to help you…

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today, or leave a comment below…

Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

What are the meanings behind your partner words? Many of us react to our partner words without stopping to think, what did they really mean?

Listening is one of the most critical parts of communication, but in personal relationships the emotions are usually high and we can react before we think and before you know it we have a war on our hands.

One of the biggest complaints I hear in relationships is he or she doesn’t understand me.

So when your partner is speaking with you next, take your time to listen to their words.  Our natural response is to put our own meanings to their words, but of course by doing this you’ll miss their point totally. This can cause conflict.

Because men and women communicate so differently and emotions can run high it is critical to understand each others true meanings behind their words.

So ask them what they meant and see if your initial reaction was going to be the right one.

I run this in sessions and couples are generally shocked at how wrong they are when the meaning behind each others words are explored.

I Spend A Lot Of Time Helping Men Become More Confident Partners

To be honest men are confused with their relationships and it’s not difficult to understand why, from his perspective she doesn’t make sense at all. So my job is to help the men with understanding her so he can be successful with her again.

Typical questions from men?

  • She wants equality in the relationship, but she wants to be treated like a lady?
  • She wants security in the relationship, but the money I make doesn’t make her feel secure with me?
  • She disrespects me in arguments and says awful things, but she tells me what she really wants is love. How do you love someone who’s screaming at you?
  • I tell her I love her, but weeks later she wants to hear it again, does she not believe me?
  • When she talks to me I try to fix her problems, but all she gets is crosser.
  • The more I try to please her, the more irritated she becomes.
  • Whatever I do never seems to make her happy.
  • She seems to be getting so tough and distant I keep out of her way.
  • I buy her loads of presents, but nothing cheers her up.

These are just a few perspectives I get from men.

All of these questions have very easy answers, but from a mans perspective it feels impossible, he will feel like he has tried everything and failed.

Why because men and women think totally differently, the differences are very real and through this lack of understanding massive problems can come out of confusion.

The truth is he has only tried what he knows and there is a lot he is not aware of. Being female being one of them.

It is this simple knowledge and new perspective of understanding each other differently that builds confidence that he can be successful with her again.

This is one of the keys to why I can be so successful with couple so quickly.

Lack of understanding creates fears and the fears destroy the relationships.

Of course this is not a one way street, women need to understand their men too and women are equally confused.

  • If you love each other and want fast answers then get in touch today! Click here

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]

Relationship Madness

He said “I never tell her I love her, she just knows it doesn’t she? After all I married her didn’t I!” His parents divorced when he was 14 and his relationship is heading the same way. Because to him this behaviour is normal he hasn’t made the connection to why his relationship is dying!

On the whole people learn their relationship skills from their teachers who are usually just as lost as they are today: Their parents!

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause problems.

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead! [Read more...]

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

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