Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Women

For many women in relationships getting through to their partner can feel like really hard work. They can’t believe he can be so ignorant to her needs and feelings. To her his lack of care can start to become proof of a lack of love….

Communication is usually a struggle and getting him to understand you can feel impossible. You may have talked when you first met, but today getting him to open up feels impossible…

The challenge for women is as soon as they feel they can’t communicate effectively with their partners they can feel lonely, isolated and very low. Some can feel disconnected with who they want to be and start to dislike who they are becoming. Depression is very possible in this place if this goes on for long enough.

To deal with her feelings in this place she has to get strong inside to cope with his lack of understanding of her emotional needs. This means for many she has to create a more masculine version of herself.

She does this to keep safe, she knows she can’t rely on him to meet her needs and keep her safe, so she takes on this masculine role of protector of herself.

She doesn’t want to be in this place for many reasons. The emotional protection she creates results in her no longer finding her partner sexually attractive. So she will block any desire for intimacy.

So as she pulls away from him to protect herself, he in response will be doing the same.

This can cause real problems for the couple.

He can start to feel that he cannot make her happy. Many men feel they cannot ever please their partners and when they try to fix her problems she become angrier. This stops him trying to fix her problems.

This cycle can get worse the more men feel they can’t win the more women pull away.

Can you relate to this situation? Do you feel out of control of your relationship?

If so get in touch now…

Important: Men and women speak a very different language and this will and does create confusion, it’s not that he doesn’t care it simply that he doesn’t understand how you feel because he is not female.

Soon as he knows what to do to become successful again he will want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

  • If you are in this place PLEASE TAKE ACTION IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Do The Differences Between Men & Women Impact The Outcome of Their Relationship?

This is an important post because it’s about the foundation of our relationships. Without this knowledge our relationships can suffer as love and passion get replaced with loneliness’, fear, resentment, lack of respect to name a few…

Each of us has within us a masculine and feminine side to our personalities. When you consider those couples you know, you will probably see a good mix of traits which contradict what we think is normal. For example: Some women are very masculine and some men very feminine.

Our attraction to each other is based on these differences. What’s important is these differences work for that couple not just when they first meet, but throughout their relationship. If the couple lose these differences this can have significant effects on the happiness of the couple.

You can see this clearly when people attracted to each other first meet. They will be displaying without knowing the desire to display their differences so certain behaviours will become exaggerated.

For example: For men their voices become lower, whilst women’s voices become higher. Men try to look bigger whilst women are trying to look smaller.

Women will walk swaying their hips whilst men walk straight and strong.

These are just a few of the many traits that couples display early in the attraction process.

If the couple start to lose their differences then the relationship changes as they start to feel different with each other. This results in a focus of what’s wrong in the relationship. This focus magnifies the problem and the couple start to have cause for concern.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly the couple can start to notice problems appearing, maybe fighting, lack of desire to spend time together, work, friends hobbies becoming more important than the relationship.

As this happens a shift in the relationship starts to make it feel that you now have real problems as you can no longer trust your partner to help you create a future that looks exciting and safe in the way you want it.

In most couples what’s really happening is the female in the relationship is becoming stronger to cope with behaviours in him which stop her from feeling safe. She may feel she is not heard or understood. He usually misunderstands her words and reacts in ways which destroy their trust even further.

It gets to the point where lack of respect becomes the model by which the couple live by.

The result is the differences that attracted the couple are now in reverse of what worked.

The man has become weaker in the eyes of the woman, some complain with words like… “…it’s like have another child…”, or “…I don’t want to be his mum!”.

This perspective does not help her to feel safe with him, and the desire to be intimate is significantly decreased.

The man is likely to feel that he has given her everything and she is impossible to please, she has either become too aggressive or shut down not letting him in.

The result is, to keep herself safe the woman, has to become more masculine to cope with him and he has become weaker knowing he can’t please her.

The result is both will go to the outside world to reconnect with their needs.

The relationship stops being the source of their happiness and starts to die.

This ping-pong effect which creates fears through a lack of understanding of each others needs can be reversed with new understanding.

So the question now is this: Is it possible after years of problems to correct this. The answer is yes if you both really want to. Even if one person is certain it’s over, a new understanding can shift the foundations of their belief to a new one of hope.

I hope for you this has been helpful? You may have many questions as this is a complex area for couples and usually takes a good two hours to explain in the context of your situation. The changes can be dramatic when you both understand this…

Who knows this post maybe enough to help you…

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today, or leave a comment below…

Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

What are the meanings behind your partner words? Many of us react to our partner words without stopping to think, what did they really mean?

Listening is one of the most critical parts of communication, but in personal relationships the emotions are usually high and we can react before we think and before you know it we have a war on our hands.

One of the biggest complaints I hear in relationships is he or she doesn’t understand me.

So when your partner is speaking with you next, take your time to listen to their words.  Our natural response is to put our own meanings to their words, but of course by doing this you’ll miss their point totally. This can cause conflict.

Because men and women communicate so differently and emotions can run high it is critical to understand each others true meanings behind their words.

So ask them what they meant and see if your initial reaction was going to be the right one.

I run this in sessions and couples are generally shocked at how wrong they are when the meaning behind each others words are explored.

I Spend A Lot Of Time Helping Men Become More Confident Partners

To be honest men are confused with their relationships and it’s not difficult to understand why, from his perspective she doesn’t make sense at all. So my job is to help the men with understanding her so he can be successful with her again.

Typical questions from men?

  • She wants equality in the relationship, but she wants to be treated like a lady?
  • She wants security in the relationship, but the money I make doesn’t make her feel secure with me?
  • She disrespects me in arguments and says awful things, but she tells me what she really wants is love. How do you love someone who’s screaming at you?
  • I tell her I love her, but weeks later she wants to hear it again, does she not believe me?
  • When she talks to me I try to fix her problems, but all she gets is crosser.
  • The more I try to please her, the more irritated she becomes.
  • Whatever I do never seems to make her happy.
  • She seems to be getting so tough and distant I keep out of her way.
  • I buy her loads of presents, but nothing cheers her up.

These are just a few perspectives I get from men.

All of these questions have very easy answers, but from a mans perspective it feels impossible, he will feel like he has tried everything and failed.

Why because men and women think totally differently, the differences are very real and through this lack of understanding massive problems can come out of confusion.

The truth is he has only tried what he knows and there is a lot he is not aware of. Being female being one of them.

It is this simple knowledge and new perspective of understanding each other differently that builds confidence that he can be successful with her again.

This is one of the keys to why I can be so successful with couple so quickly.

Lack of understanding creates fears and the fears destroy the relationships.

Of course this is not a one way street, women need to understand their men too and women are equally confused.

  • If you love each other and want fast answers then get in touch today! Click here

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]

Relationship Madness

He said “I never tell her I love her, she just knows it doesn’t she? After all I married her didn’t I!” His parents divorced when he was 14 and his relationship is heading the same way. Because to him this behaviour is normal he hasn’t made the connection to why his relationship is dying!

On the whole people learn their relationship skills from their teachers who are usually just as lost as they are today: Their parents!

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause problems.

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead! [Read more...]

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

How to Make Him Addicted To You?

If you want your man to be addicted to you the first thing you have to do is understand the world from his perspective. To be successful you must understand this first: Men and women behave totally differently in their relationships. So you have to throw away your “Girl rule book” and start to understand “The Guy Rule Book”.

The Truth:
He Doesn’t Understand You! - BUT he wants to…

…actually he really wants to… But beware: If he feels he really can’t please you, he WILL give up! So you have to help him!

If you feel he has given up then understanding “The Guy Rules” will go along way to rebuilding his interest in you!

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your boyfriend or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. Now when you look back at when you first met, you may feel sad because it wasn’t always that way was it?

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass. Women usually put the early drive in their men down to his desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what really drives his addiction.

So what is more powerful than sex to help a man become addicted to you?

I know what you really want is for him to understanding you, but for this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his – this is critical!

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your girl model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

The Goal: What you want is for him to feel good about himself
when he is with you.

He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

The rules that will addict a man to a woman

  1. Rule One: The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is how to be successful with her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him, the unbearable feeling of not being enough for her can worry him. He can start to feel a failure and this can become overwhelming. Not wanting to feel this way he removes himself from the relationship and goes to where he feels good about himself again. This could be work, friends, hobbies even other females.
  2. Rule Two: Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself. Give him stuff to fix he will love to prove he can do anything.
  3. Rule Three: Of course he loves sex too, but the above is far more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Rule Four: Freedom is also a key value for men never try to cage him!

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish him for doing you a wrong, and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him so he can help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

Hope you have found this useful, are you now interested to learn more?

If you have read this far then clearly you too are passionate about your relationship.

I have created a FREE ONLINE RELATIONSHIP COURSE. For seven days you will receive more advice on how to successfully build a lasting passionate relationship.

  • Thank you for reading and please free to sign-up below to claim your copy.

Don’t forget to share this with your friends…

The Calm Before The Storm: A Message For Men – Is There A Time Bomb In Your Relationship?

Most men who have experienced problems in their relationship are usually very confused at why it seems so hard to please their partners. For him it can seem almost impossible to keep her happy. He can also feel he has put up with what he feels is her becoming over emotional, irrational and inconsistent for ages.

For him this inability to be able to please his partner is emotionally crippling, BUT he can do something to help her, but most men don’t know what to do…

If this goes on for long enough the woman will start to feel that the messages she has clearly been giving to him has not being listened to. She feels alone, ignored and insecure.

This for her can lead to depression and all sorts of physical and emotional problems putting further pressure on the relationship.

Depending on how the man has dealt with her emotional outbursts will drive her next course of action. [Read more...]

My Mission: Building Confidence into Men To Be Successful Partners/Lovers

She walked through the door, smiled walked over to me and shook my hand. I thought she had come alone. She turned to face the door, in slowly in walked her husband, he looked in that moment like he was about to be tried for some terrible crime. Wide eyed, almost in shock, eyes dancing around the room looking for danger, he stood paused holding the door handle ready for his escape.

This was one entrance I will never forget and the more I spoke to him I could see why he was so fearful. He had been handed divorce papers two days before, he knew there was a problem, but had no idea how to fix it, he wanted to make her happy, but to him it seemed impossible so his solution was to keep his head down it might make it’s self better. Of course it didn’t and never would.

The reason they were in my session was at the moment she handed him the divorce papers he went into melt down, totally panicked. She was so shocked by his reaction and deep love for her, because she thought and was 100% convinced he didn’t care about her at all and so now she was confused.

You see he thought that because she had given up complaining she must be alright now. Even though deep down he probably knew she wasn’t. He had decided it was to dangerous to rock the boat, as he didn’t want her to spend hours crying and shouting at him. This irrational behaviour in her only frustrated him to the point of anger which meant he would scream at her and storm off for the night to his office or into the bottom of a bottle. She hated the arguments and saw it was getting them no where so she became internally focused and alone. Over time resentment, loss of respect and mild depression took over her.

So the end result was she was totally convinced he didn’t care and so went to her parents and friends for support. This became a source of more problems as he started to feel he was not important and 6th inline for her love and affections.

She withdrew over time her love and intimacy and he controlled whatever he could and they stayed stuck in this place for years.

In some ways many couples I see mirror this couple.

He ended up seeing her as tough and unloving and she saw him as weak and incapable of being the man she had always dreamed of. In fact for her he was like having another child in the house.

  • So how had this couple got their relationship so wrong?
  • Why had they misunderstood each other to the point of divorce?

The biggest reason is their relationship education!

Couples today and over the past 40/50 years know how to attract each other, but have very little idea how to grow a relationship so it not only lasts, but the passion stays and get better every year.

They seem to accept that intimacy goes over time and relationships get stale and that’s ok. This is a myth told by those who are lost.

Growing up most couples only relationship education is their parents and movies and maybe books.

In other words the education is poor, with no education what results would you expect? Yes of course poor ones. You see nature is great at creating the chemical reaction to attract us to our mates, but that initial reaction that is automatic within us all goes and so what happen next is critical.

If you know what to do you can keep those feelings going, unfortunately most don’t, most get out of relationships, those that are left make do with passionless relationships, and a small percentage have got lucky and know the secret.

Building Confidence into Men As Partners Is The Answer!

You see men today have become weaker, they have no idea how to use their masculine energy to bring out the feminine energy in her. Even the toughest business women that enter my session want to be feminine with their partners. BUT if a female is with a partner she perceives as weak she has no choice but to become strong almost masculine inside.

This process disconnects her to the point she feels different and sees the man she once loved as whet and child like.

You must have seen that many comedies are based around the beaten up husband and the masculine wife ordering him around.

My job in the session is to help the men understand how to reclaim not only their masculine energy back, but how to claim the relationship back. You see the biggest problem is not that men don’t want to support their partners in the way they want, they just don’t know how. Many women don’t know how to communicate to men their really needs in a way which makes sence to him, and so the breakdown in communication frustrates them both to separation and divorce.

The reality is it’s really not difficult to help and correct these problems and I have had many one session successes.

Does some of this feel like your relationship?

If you have connected to today’s post please feel free to comment below or better still come and see me, you learn how to help each other to get back the relationship and the passion you once shared.

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sense of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomenon where even though we speak the same language in our case English we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this critical understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up, we create a map which helps us make sense of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someone’s map? The map is the sum total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this, we will create totally unique needs.

Plus your map of the world is experienced through your emotional state at any given time. So any event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change to create different meanings.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will also be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop being so present and this creates a feeling of being disconnected, this can create fear with her that she is not loved or not enough.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way although she will be looking for find ways to make sure he protects her.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation, there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling of not being enough at some point in our lives and this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case, an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place, you have less fear and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

50 + Problems in Relationships

Below is a list of 50+ problems in relationships some of the questions/confusions I receive surrounding relationships. As I have been collecting this list I was wondering what you wanted to read about. Please either leave a comment below or send your request maybe with your own question to my contact page. Please use the title: Problems in relationships.

    1. Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
    2. Why Low Self Esteem Causes Problems in Relationships
    3. Controlling & Abusive Relationships
    4. Financial decision making in relationships
    5. Violence in Relationships
    6. Games in relationships
    7. Happiness in Relationships
    8. Unhappiness in Relationships
    9. Self Esteem in Relationships
    10. Being overbearing & possessive in relationships
    11. Laws Of Attraction In Relationships
    12. Stress in Relationships
    13. Establishing Healthy Boundaries In Relationships
    14. Being present in relationship
    15. Playful Communication in Relationships
    16. The Forbidden Fruit in Relationships
    17. Empathy In Relationships
    18. Power control and individuality issues in relationships
    19. Why do Women cheat in Relationships
    20. Verbal Abuse in relationships
    21. Controlling Anger in Relationships
    22. Sex In Relationships
    23. Why do people cheat in relationships
    24. Cheating in Relationships
    25. Insecurity In Relationships
    26. 4 Possessive/Jealous Men in Relationships
    27. The 10 biggest mistakes men make in relationships
    28. Why Do Some Men Get Scared in Relationships
    29. White Lies In Relationships
    30. Increase Chemistry in Relationships
    31. Are You Insecure In Relationships
    32. Longevity in Relationships
    33. Cheating in Relationships
    34. Being Honest In Relationships
    35. Dishonesty in Relationships
    36. Women more likely to stray in relationships
    37. Resentment In Relationships
    38. Playing the Blame Game in Relationships
    39. Jealousy in Relationships
    40. Dealing with breakups in relationships
    41. Finding Balance in Relationships
    42. Communication in Relationships
    43. Does Age Matter in Relationships
    44. Are You Lazy In Relationships
    45. Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
    46. Strength in Relationships
    47. Abuse in Relationships
    48. Trust Issues in Relationships
    49. How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationships
    50. Commitment Issues in Relationships
    51. Romance Advice: Competition In Relationships
    52. Symptoms of codependent behavior in relationships

How To Save My Marriage

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship and you want to know the steps to saving your marriage then this is a good first step towards a solution for you. This is a fundamental step and foundational to the success of any relationship.

If your marriage has been in decline then you partner has been attaching feelings to you which result in them feeling bad about themselves when they are around you. If this carries on for too long their logical solution will be to remove you or themselves.

BTW: They don’t choose to do this, it is automatic at a behaviour level.

The good news is the process of attaching “good feelings” to you is automatic for them too.

So if you take steps to help your partner feel good then over time those great feelings will start to feel solid and they will then attach more and more great feelings back to you.

But my partner has been horrible why should I reward it this way?

This is a common response to my advice above. If your partner has been behaving poorly then it’s likely to be a cry for help rather than a desire to hurt you. Men and women can shut down when they feel that their relationship is impossible to fix. Couples can test each other with destructive words. What is considered to be hurtful behaviour can actually be a desire to wake their partner up to listen to the pain they feel.

The challenge is that men and women communicate totally differently. Which on it’s own is a big topic so know this if you are judging your partners behaviour, know quickly, you are not qualified.

Many people feel qualified to judge their partners and through that judgement they decide their partner has done wrong. They are now likely to punish them in some way.

Punishment does not create more love, all it does is help your partner automatically attach bad feelings to you. So if you punish you start to kill your own relationship. Some people feel they have been punished for years and without warning just leave the relationship to the shock and horror of their partner.

How to grow your marriage…

If your relationship is dying and you want to keep it, work out what great feelings you want your partner to feel and them help them feel that way.

If you want an amazing relationship then you have to become amazing and be the example, after all your partner may just be lost and fearful. Plus there are no relationship schools so a lack of education may not be your partners fault and they might be doing their best with what they know, i.e. what their parents taught them and the chances of their parents being lost with relationships too, are very high.

Is communication destroying your relationship?

Have you ever noticed that your partner just doesn’t understand you? Have you ever noticed that you can say something and they can then make you responsible for a totally different set of words that you never said?

One of the biggest complaints I hear is that my partner doesn’t understand me. This feeling can create all sorts of problems so a relationship becomes more full of words that are not spoken than one that are. The reason is the couple stop communicating because the process of speaking becomes just too painful.

Of course this is a massive problem and creates a loss of connection and love.

So why does this happen? The reason is men and women have totally different communication styles and so when each other speaks what happens is they have to translate each others words into their own meaning, they then make their partner responsible for their own translation.

IMPORTANT: So when your partner speaks are you translating their words into your own meaning and then blaming your partner for your translation of their words?

Many couples in arguments complain to each other, “…that’s not what I said” or “…that’s not what I meant!”

I have watched couples do this live in my sessions, so I slow down the process so they understand what they are doing. For example we pick a topic that is causing them some problems and I ask the man to explain his take on the problem, I then ask the woman to then translate what she heard and the meaning she put to it.

We then hear the woman communicate back something totally different much to the surprise of the man.

Of course this happens in reverse too.

Relationship test to try at home

Try this out for yourself, pick a topic which you know has been a challenge for you both and see if when you speak your partner translates your words back to you in the way you meant it.

Are their words in line with what you meant or are they totally different?

If they are totally different then you know there is a challenge and this could be causing more problems than is necessary.

So what is the solution

The solution is simple know that your translation of what they say is not going to be correct or what they meant. So it is important to not react negatively or assume your partner is out to hurt you.

Find out what they mean and trust that what they say they meant is the correct translation after all their words have come from their thoughts not yours.

She is impossible to please

When you see as many couples as I do, you can’t help but see patterns emerge. She is impossible to please is one of the typical beliefs that men come into sessions with. It’s not true of course, but from his perspective it is AND HE HAS PROOF!

What usually happens is he has tried everything except what really works. He will use male logic to solve her situation and when he has exhausted every option and still fails he will give up, left with the feeling… “She is impossible to please” .

The reason he fails is simple and is why he can’t solve their problem, he is trying to please her from the perspective of  a man. She is not a man so his solutions will never work. If he were to put himself in her shoes he would notice a different world and a different solution.

So guys if you are having constant relationship problems, you are likely to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

The challenge she faces is: When he feels she is impossible to please this for him is one of the biggest sources of pain. It is proof that maybe he is not enough and maybe he will never get the love he needs. This could mean he gets weaker, he leaves, has an affair, bullies her and so on, none of which will work for her and the relationship will start to break down. If you have children they will be feeling the pain so please act quickly.

I have to help men understand what they have to do to be successful with her.

What I help him to learn is things like

  • How to understand her and what she means when she speaks
  • How to stop making her problems about him
  • How to understand her core need and fulfil his own at the same time
  • What has to happen for her to engage sexually
  • How to help her feel amazing about her and attach those feeling to him.
  • How to stop judging her.
  • How to look after her when she is in pain, even pain caused by him
  • How to help her create a future that she can get excited about.
  • How to give and love unconditionally

When a man learns how to serve and protect his partner in the way she needs, he will meet his own needs through giving to her. This will help him to feel great, plus she will feel wonderful and look for many ways to help him feel great too.

Relationship Conflict Management: “YOU @#**$%*> GET OUT!”

You know the situation, your blood is boiling, you are both shouting at each other, both in full flow. You can’t understand how your partner could be so stupid or selfish! In the moment you hate with a passion.

What’s interesting in these arguments is there always seems to be two totally different perspectives on the same  problem. There seems to be two truths… Really?!

How is that possible? Is someone dishonest? Are they both dishonest? Is someone playing control games? Is one party deliberately trying to hurt the other? Why can’t the couple, even agree on the basic facts?

The woman is usually thinking, why is he not understanding me? He is usually focused on the exact words and the exact events, the more he tries to prove his fact are right, the worse she feels and her anger escalates much to his frustration.

He knows he is right factually so clearly, she is has gone crazy. She can’t understand how he can be so insensitive, he is more interested in proving her wrong than helping her.

Clearly she gone mad and the men in the white van need to be called, and he’s and insensitive self centered @#**$%!

Does this happen to your relationship is this how you feel?

Would you really like these arguments  to end, because it can when you know what to do!

Now what I will say to the men here is: If your partner has become distant, has stopped complaining, is quietly going about her life day-to-day, she’s not passionate, but it’s quiet so better than the screaming version of her…right!?  WRONG!!!

This is time for you to worry! I know quiet for men equals all is well, but in female terms it means there is a massive, and I mean massive problem!

If she has stopped complaining and you know things are not right between you it means she has given up and see’s no point in communicating. She has lost trust and without trust there is no relationship.

For the women I want you to know this: No matter how many times you say what you want him to understand he will never get it, he may pay lip service to it to keep the peace, or he may shout you down, but he really will never understand.

Why is it this way?

The answer is simple, men and women communicate totally differently, unless you know how to translate emotional needs to each other in each others language you will never get through.

I have many couples that come to sessions get this and live wonderful lives together. I also work with a minority that say they want change and understand, but put no effort in, expect their partner to do all the changing and then wonder why the relationship fails again.

When your partner speaks, what is important is what their words mean to them: This is the whole point of communicating, if you put your spin on their words and then make them responsible for your interpretation, how in anyones world does that make sence.

What this means is you have to understand them and what their words really mean to them, only then will they feel heard.

Plus the words are only half the story… because she has stored up years of what he has done wrong and he seems to have developed a hearing problem.

  • Do you want to know how to get out of these vicious circles if so get in touch today!




Meeting a Mans Basic Needs

Yesterday we looked at how men can meet a womans basic needs, today we are going to discover how a woman can meet a man needs in a relationship.

I must stress that everyone is different and this is just a start, but on the whole if you can make a start in this direction you will be making good progress.

Meeting a Mans Basic Needs

  • A man needs to know her love for him is unconditional, he needs to know that he is loved whatever mood he is in. The love you give him needs to be like the love of a child, so that even if he has done something wrong he still feels that love from her.
  • Men love to be surprised in the ways you show your love and especially if you do this sexually. If a man knows you are planning a sexual adventure for him and you feel free enough with him to show your darker side he will feel great inside and attach that great feeling to you. (… I saw the humor too :-) ).
  • He needs to feel he is important as a man in the relationship. Discover ways to help him feel that his masculine presence is important to you in the relationship. Let him know that he does good job as a partner, provider, father he needs to know he is pleasing you. (CRITICAL)
  • Discover what he needs that equals love to him, and then give that love. It could be your smiling face, a regular touch especially in public, it could be making his favorite meal, or of course planning sex.
  • If she then commits to meeting all his needs above whilst showing a desire to give more to him and working with him towards their chosen goal.
  • If she like him commits to meeting his needs in the way that feel important to him without trading for something in return and both people are doing this. A trusting passionate relationship starts to grow.

You see if you can trust your partner to give you want you need in the way you want it, you would never have a need to go elsewhere to feel good again.

If you feel that you cannot, or don’t want to give to him in the way he needs, the question is why? Of course I will be delighted to help.

If you feel like commenting your thoughts would be valued. Comments below!

If your sex life is dead…

If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has disappeared what does that make your relationship? The answer is not great, at best, you are good friends!

BUT… does it have to be this way? Of course not…

With the right attention your relationship has every chance of making a full recovery sexually.

The question is this, has what you’ve done so far worked to improve your relationship and sexual intimacy?

If the answer is “NO” now you know what to never try again.

So now what? If you want to ignite the spark of sexual energy back into your relationship you have to help your partner get connected to the right polarity with themselves.

If a woman doesn’t feel like a woman with her partner the chances of sex are slim. The same goes for men.

You will probably notice that many relationships you know have couples living in the wrong polarity. i.e. The woman is more like the man, and the man is weaker and more like the female.

  • These couples are more likely to have sexual problems.

Getting the polarity right in your relationship is sexually volcanic, this is why it works when we first meet, but then we stop doing what works, we wonder where the sex has gone and fear that maybe we are in the wrong relationship?

So if you have been fed the illusion that time equals loss of passion, then you are missing one of the fundamental laws of nature and that is polarity.

Opposites attract: It’s the differences that attract each other, nature has designed us to be different for good reason, but our fears help us to switch roles. Females get stronger when they become fearful and men become weaker in their quest to please their partners.

Once the man discovers his true masculine power, only then will he break through with her, helping her to feel safe to feel feminine again.

If you are a man wanting to know how to break through and claim back your true role in your relationship get in touch with Stephen Hedger Relationship Coach and Marriage expert today!

Or

Maybe you are female and you want your man to learn how to break through with you and keep you safe, so you can release the passion in you again?

What men don’t know about women!

This a message to all the men wanting to be more successful with your partners. What would you experience within you if you knew you could be successful with her and help her to feel wonderful inside and attach those feelings to you. Plus to do this you don’t have to say a word.

A big discovery for men in my sessions is what works with their partners that their were totally unaware of.

Presence for a woman is critical and the best way to get present with her through her eyes. If she can see that you are totally present with her through eye-to-eye contact and whilst you are doing that you are feeling a powerful masculine love for her within you. She will sence that energy from you and if it is genuine she will in the moment feel safe to connect with her feminine self.

She may feel a little fearful if this is the first time you have done this as she may not feel sure that she is safe with you in this way. If she will not connect with you eye to eye keep going until she feels safe. Very often couples with problems will experience the female has little to no desire to connect this way with her partner, because the trust has gone.

This is the start of the process that is powerful to help any couple learn how to deal with conflict differently, but also how to help each other create the right polarity in their relationship.

Couple with problems can have a reversed polarity that helps them to feel wrong inside, but they use this reverse polarity to gain strength and keen themselves safe.

So to all my male readers, your partner will want attention all the time from you, so getting present with her this way and allowing her to speak whilst you just listen will be a massive first step with reconnecting you in a very powerful way.