Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.

Body Language Hands Feet & Body

In this weeks “Who is attracted to you” body language series we will look at the body and what’s it doing to communicate attraction to others.

Next time you are out, start to notice what others are doing because their body is giving off signals constantly and we are picking up these signals and converting them into meanings without knowing, so lets turn these subconscious messages into conscious messages.

Body language makes up for 70%+ of our communication, so people don’t have to speak to tell you how they are feeling and if they are interested in you.

What’s really important to decipher all these messages is not just to look for one or two signals because these could be an accident, so look for a multiple signals.

Body Language Tips

It’s logical to know that if someone is attracted to you they will want to look their best for you. So their mind will be directed to their self-image and what they look like. This will focus them to their own hair and clothes and without knowing they will start to preen themselves, they will adjust their hair, and straighten and tidy their clothes.

Men will try to make themselves look bigger, with puffed out chests, legs apart, maybe even thumbs in jeans and elbows out, anything to be bigger than they really are, women will try to look smaller with crossed legs and arms in tight. You may notice tall women can develop a slight stoop as she tries to look shorter.

Both men and women will subconsciously point their feet to the person they are attracted to. So they could be chatting with friends in a bar and pointing their feet at you.

They will do the same with hands, they will be directing you their hand to what they want you to see on them or they will be pointing at you, could be whilst holding a glass.

Listen to the voices

Men will lower their voices when around women they are attracted to and women’s voices will become higher. Nature has designed us to be attracted to the differences in the sexes so our reflex response is to create exaggerated differences without knowing.

  • If you work with a female boss you will notice that she has had to make her voice become lower. She has done this without knowing, so she can survive in the male business world.

A group of women in a bar will become louder with giggles, shrieks and a full range of female sounds designed to attract near by attractive males.

A man who is with a group of his friends will stand outside of the group so possible female admirers can get a good look at him.

There are many more things to look out for, but this will help you notice what you notice about the world you are in.

The key is to notice as many signals as possible then when the person is not looking move to a different position so you can still see them. If they turn to look to where you were originally standing/sitting and then scan the room for you, then you know for sure they are attracted.

The acid test is lots of eye contact combined with a confident smile. If you receive this then you now need to discover what to do next.

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?

Why Is He Ignoring Me?

Many women have a question that worries them and keeps coming up in the relationship coaching sessions… “Why is he ignoring me?

There is about a billions reasons why he could be ignoring you, which one have you decided to focus on? The chances are it’s probably the worst one, which means “you’re feeling you are not going to be enough for him” and that scares you”

But did you know this fear is likely to drive him away if he also misunderstands you in the same way. So lets stop this one right now, to protect you both from each others fears.

When a woman goes quiet what does this mean?

When a woman goes quiet on a man it means trouble is brewing. When a man goes quiet on a woman it means he is happy and content in his world. So the fact that women think he is ignoring her is a perception rather than a fact, that drives problems out of nowhere.

The same situations and two different meanings can cause so many confusions. Relationships are riddled with exactly this problem, where the wrong meanings are created.

The fact is men don’t like talking in the same way that women talk, actually men hate it!

Women can talk for hours on the phone, men will spend 30 seconds.

It’s dangerous to create meanings out of assumptions, because you will always be wrong. If you believe your meanings you will feel bad and attach those bad feelings to him, and this will start to break down the foundations of the relationship and that means you can no longer trust each other.

Find out the truth, then react, and above all, no matter what is going on…
DO NOT JUDGE HIM! YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED!

Plus he will start to see you as someone he can’t trust, to believe in him. He will then see the relationship as somewhere he can never be the man he wants to be, he will attach massive pain to a future with you and leaving you will be powerful in his mind if these feeling stick.

Or he will become a boy in the relationship, always ready to do as you ask, ready to be stepped on by you. Turn your man into this and you will lose respect for the boy that you have created out of the man that just wanted to make you happy.

Is this what you really want?

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

Men Are Killing Their Own Sex Lives Without Knowing!

I am calling on all men to stand-up and be a man fast!

If you don’t, you can kiss goodbye to your sex life today!

Why am I saying this? Because men all over the world are confused, and this confusion is destroying their relationships. Whilst the men are trying to workout what’s going on in their relationships the women feel they have no choice, but to take control.

Here’s the thing, your wife or girlfriend wants you to be the man in your relationship. She won’t tell you this directly, but if you do not prove to her you are strong enough to look after her emotional needs then she will have no choice, but to become the man in your relationship, and she will not be happy about that.

She wants you to be the man

Why? Because she wants to be the beautiful desirable woman not the man. She will struggle with being both, but survival always comes first for her, especially if she has children. So if she feels the man is weak, she will worry and so passion will always be the last thing on her mind.

In today’s society you can see women having to get tough everywhere and in all so-called social classes. Single mums for example have to get tough to survive and if they live too long in this masculine roll they get stuck there, afraid to let go.

Then what happens is her masculine persona is in need of balance, and so without knowing she automatically attracts a weaker man. What she really needs is a man stronger than her so she can revert back to being the woman she really wants to be.

But she will not do that unless she is 1000% sure she can trust him to be that man for her, and she may avoid stronger men fearful of losing the control that kept her safe.

Women who are in top jobs experience the same problem, because they have to survive in a masculine world and so they have to act like men that look like women. Tough women love the power they have, but secretly they also long for a strong man.

The hen-pecked husband

Another victim is the hen-pecked husband. How does this happen? What men know and what many women won’t believe is this.

All men want to do is please her. If he discovers he cannot please her he will either leave or stay with her, but give up trying. So if women never show their partners they are pleased with what they do, or they are too controlling, negative, or overly critical, the man will start to compromise himself to try to please her.

She will then feel insecure with him and so she may cause massive rows that to a man make no sense. But her message to him is clear. You are putting this relationship at risk if you cannot even stand up to me, a woman, and prove to me everything will be OK.

She sees his behaviour as a lack of strength, and so her respect for him will start to diminish and so the beaten man gets weaker and weaker and she ends up loving him like a child. Telling him off and putting him down. It does not take a rocket scientist to know their sex life is going to be a dead one.

So men, the lesson is clear.

She needs the strength of a real man, one she can depend on no matter what happens. A man who will always be there for her, forever. When she feels this security from him only then will she let go and become the feminine woman, very happy to help him  become the man you both can enjoy.

Become who you are designed to be, and watch your relationship and passion come alive. Live in the wrong versions of yourself and expect pain misery, and that‘s right! Zero passion.

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.

Affairs & Why They Happen

When either a man or a woman in a relationship embarks on an affair the reasons are because they believe or feel that their needs are not being met in the relationship.

There is never a good reason for an affair, because if the relationship has problems then the couple needs to address their problems. The answers to their problems are never outside the relationship and the pain affair causes is never worth the perceived pleasure it brings.

The problem is, the emotions that drive affairs are never rational and so affairs will keep happening.

Most assume these needs are sex, but very often it runs far deeper than that, other critical factors to those individuals are driving them to act.

What causes an affair

To start with those that have affairs may not  feel good about themselves, or something, and have attached those feelings to their current relationship. So whatever they are missing they will start to search elsewhere to have those feelings met.

They might not feel significant to their partner and an affair will make that person feel important at that moment. They may not feel secure in their current relationship and so an affair helps them to forget their problems and gives them artificial pockets of security.

They may not feel loved or they could be missing excitement as their own relationship becomes boring.

Or maybe it is as simple as their relationship is lacking the type of passion they want, they either can’t get want they want from their partner or are afraid to ask for it.

If years of feeling this way is added to a relationship that has stopped growing then that relationship will struggle to compete with the excitement of an affair.

It’s true that men are more likely to stray than women because

  1. They are designed to impregnate many women through instinct.
  2. Their minds are built differently to women’s and so the connect between love and sex is not the same as for women.

This is why in affairs women are most likely to break off an affair because they cannot see an emotional future where the man will be happy with just sex.

She will ask

When a woman is a victim of an affair one of her big questions will be, “do you love her?” this is because from a woman’s perspective she is designed to see love and sex as, one of the same, or at least directly connected together.

The man will say about his affair “it meant nothing” when he says this he is telling the truth, because for him love and sex are separate.

In contrast if a woman has an affair and says “…it meant nothing” then because she is designed to see that connection as more than sex then she will not be telling the whole truth.

What’s important is, if you are thinking of having an affair or you are the victim, know that it’s the missing needs in your relationship is what’s driving the affair to happen.

Look after your relationships and do all you can to understand how they work and more than that what you have to do to ensure your relationship stays safe.

He never wants to talk anymore?

One of the biggest problems women have with their men is that they don

How to communicate with women

One of the biggest complaints I hear from men is how hurt they are at the words that their wives use. Men hear the words that women use and take them quite literally.

  • For example: You never pay me a compliment! The woman will be focused on wanting to be appreciated loved and feel attractive to her husband. The man however will be focused on the word

Differences Between The Sexes – Communication

Have you ever wondered why men and women struggle to understand each other?

There are many, many reasons, but here is one that might help.

Do you notice that women can talk and talk and talk and never really seem to have a point. For example they can go on a shopping trip and talk at length at everything they did and saw, tried on liked and disliked.

Why when women talk about their day like this do men switch off.

Do the men not love their partners?…

Are the men bored of hearing the women talk, is this a sign something is going wrong in the relationship, do you both need to talk about he fact your not talking like you both used to?

No the men get frustrated because they are constantly looking for ways to help women (note if he has stopped doing this then there will be a reason), the longer there is nothing to fix the more frustrated they become and so they give up.

The woman notices everything and so she sees the man give up and then gives it a meaning, such as he is going off her, doesn

She Is Looking Angry What Do You Do?

Through a lack of understanding between the sexes and what each other needs, men and women can get into conflict very quickly. So a little knowledge can turn a potential war into loving.

The first rule is don

How to keep your man happy

If you want to keep your man, then you’ll need this important secret to unlocking the power in him to make you feel like a woman.

Just like you every man is different, but…

There are some basic principals for you to understand if you are to get the best out of him, help him to feel great about himself and attach all those amazing feelings to you.

There is a myth that all men are only really interested in one thing – It’s the butt of many jokes, but is also a rule that most women believe and so live by in their relationships.

Yes it’s true men do want that, BUT..!

There is one thing that men want more than that, and until women understand this basic rule they will always find they’ll have problems with him… I’ll explain…

This is your lesson:

“Your Man wants to be able to make you happy… More than anything!”

This is important: When she is not happy then a man will think he has failed her and himself. Even if what she is not happy about is not his fault he will try to help her fix it. Nine times out of ten she doesn’t want him to fix anything and she get frustrated, because all she wants to do is share her feelings. He takes this as a rejection and further proof of his inability to help her be happy.

Did you ever notice how good he feels when he does something you really like?

If a man starts to experience that his efforts are not making his partner happy he will start to feel really bad about himself. He will then at some point have his thoughts confirmed as his partner will mention she is not happy with his behaviour on some level.

If a man experiences this too many times he will stop trying to please her, because to him whatever he does will be pointless and will associate him with failure and more bad feelings to attach to his woman. If he loves her he will hate these feelings and reject himself further.

He will feel totally insignificant in the relationship and go to where in can feel important outside of the relationship. This could be friends, hobbies, working late or if he is feeling a real failure an affair could be an option.

This will cause even more problems because whatever he’s is doing it is not spending time with her. The woman will now be left alone, feel unappreciated and she will complain about that. This feeds even more proof that he can never be successful with her.

So what’s the solution? How can you keep him?

Give him as many ways to please you as possible. Make it really easy for him to make you feel good, when he starts feeling like a man again it won’t belong before he makes you feel like a woman.

If you want something fixed go to him with something you know he can fix. If you want to share your feelings, go talk to your girl friends or keep it to ten minutes with him, but no more, because he does not have a clue what you are talking about. Remember to let him know he does not have to do or say anything, just listen.

When he starts to feel that he is at last doing a good job, he will start to want to do more, he will feel great about himself and attach his great feeling and success to his woman.

Understanding his needs are critical for your relationship to be success get addicted to doing that and he will never leave you!