Help Advice Support & Guidance
If a person has a life without a planned direction or purpose then what should that person should expect from their life?
What would happen to the couple without direction or life purpose, they get married and don’t plan their journey through life? What should they expect from their life together?
The secret to success in this world is simple, you have to work out where you can add value and plan to add lots of value to whatever is important to you. [Read more...]
I just don't feel that you care about me?
Is it you?
If anyone in a relationship / marriage feels that someone or something is more important to their partner than they are – there will be trouble.
What’s important to understand it’s doesn’t have to be the attractive female in the office who is just “a friend” or the man down the gym “giving her advice” that can cause problems for relationships. [Read more...]
The most natural thing to do when life seems to be going wrong is to feel consumed by all your problems. You could talk to others about your problems, play them over and over in your mind. It could be that when life goes wrong you have learnt that worry is what you do, maybe mum was a worrier, or dad didn’t trust people.
Whatever you do when things go wrong is learnt, but there is an outcome that worry creates as the natural laws of life come into play.
People that are conditioned to be negative and sceptical certainly have their place. For example [Read more...]
For twenty years they lived together, she never felt loved by him, but he loved her with all his heart. He showed his love in so many ways, but she never really felt it.
He gave her everything he could think of, but he knew in his heart whatever he did was never really enough. Even though he knew she was not truly happy inside he could never let her go, because he loved her so much. He hoped she would see what a great man he was and the unspoken problems would go away. [Read more...]
My belief is within every person there is an amazing person screaming to get out and you are no exception. You have the ability to have and create the life you really want.
If there are people out there that have what you want, all that’s happened is they have used their time differently to you. Successful people generally use their 24 hours very differently to those that are not.
Many people go for fame and money and then commit suicide, that’s because they were not fulfilled in their lives. Money doesn’t make people happy believe me. I meet unhappy yet very wealthy people every day. [Read more...]
Think about this, how much attention time and effort do people spend on dating each other, making the right impression, having fun, doing special things together?
Now think about this, when people get divorced how much time effort and money is focused on getting divorced, lawyers, planning what they want.
Now look at when the couple are married how much time, effort and money do they focus on creating the relationship they really want? That’s right most people spend next to no time on feeding the relationship what it really needs and are shocked when it starts to go wrong. [Read more...]
Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.
Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.
A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]
Every situation has many ways to look at it, so when presented with a situation, which way do you choose? Do you look for the good? Or do you look for the bad?
Are you aware of what you create from these two directions of focus? If not then this post is for you.
Our perceptions are very powerful, it puts meaning to situations and our lives, those meanings then craft our behaviours, and our behaviours craft our futures. [Read more...]
I remember listening to Jim Rohn one of the mentors I have used on my journey to discover the world and how it really works.
He was a very successful business man who had been lucky enough to have a mentor who knew how to make millions. He taught Mr Rohn his secrets for success and Mr Rohn went from broke to $millions in just 6 years. The public obviously wanted to know the secrets, what information did he receive? How did he make so much money so fast.
So over the years he ran seminars all over the world. People in their thousands came to listen to his stories. Jim knew one thing that always amazing him. Even though the people in the audience knew that he had the secrets to wealth which could transform their lives very few actually took his advice.
He recommended to those audience the books that people should read that he was advised to read. He estimated that only a small percentage would actually go out and buy those books.
He was right only a few did… much to his amazement.
Why do people follow experts and then decide not to follow the path they are shown.
The reason I ask this today is I see this with the readers of my blog and those that come to sessions. A few months back a couple came to one of my sessions and they quickly learnt what had gone wrong and why.
They discovered how to fix the problem is the first session and for the first week they had an amazing time together. They came for a second session excited at what they had learnt before and were ready for the next stage.
Three days after the second session they called me, both of them distressed it had all gone wrong and both were talking about divorce again.
When I asked what had happened we discovered that they had both stopped doing what was working in the first week and had gone back to their old ways.
You see, even when they saw the proof for themselves, it’s like they became blind.
If you have been following this blog for a while and you still have problems ask yourself why? Are you going to take action, are you going to discover your truth, if so when?
Remember doing nothing is a choice too.
Building a successful relationships is a skill just like any other. What’s unique about relationships is you are lured into a false sence of security. The passion early in a relationship helps the couple to feel artificially successful really fast with no training.
With no relationship training you still feel skilled because you feel the love the passion, it happens automatically, until one day it goes and that day always comes!
So if we don’t have to be trained and skilled to start our relationships then why would we need to learn skills to keep them, that should be automatic too… RIGHT!? … WRONG!!! This is the biggest error couples make…
How do we normally become skilled?: Skills are usually gained through training of some kind, and through repetitive actions over years. People become skillful even masterful when they research and understand their chosen skill.
So if all this is true why is it we spend so much time educating ourselves to get the skills to get the jobs we want and we spend NO time learning how to have successful relationships, then with this total lack of training we then decide we are qualified to guide children to have wonderful lives and relationships.
Why is it so important to learn how to get amazing jobs, yet not important to learn the impact of wrongly committing to a person for life with no training or relationship skills?
You wouldn’t trust a Doctor who has had little to no training with your life would you? So why would you trust yourself or someone else with the best years of your life. After all you only get one.
Does this make logical sence to you?
A massive amount of time, energy and money is spent on making one day amazing and little to no money time or energy is put into understanding how to make that relationship not only last but remain passionate.
Don’t you think the world is wired wrong when it come to relationships?
I wonder how our relationships would look if we be spent that £15,500 (Average cost of a wedding in 2011) on understanding how to create an amazing lasting and passionate relationship instead of blowing it on just one perfect day?
After all the cost of getting it wrong is massive not just in monetary terms, but also in the cost to our families and our children.
Humans, we think we are smart, but how can that be true. The proof is all around us we are doing something wrong, the divorce rate is high, many of those that are still in relationships are dissatisfied, many quickly becoming passionless stale relationships. Only a small percentage are really happy behind closed doors regardless of what they seem to present to the world.
It’s critical… This is how and why my success rate with those that want to learn is really high.
Simple pieces of education if missed can destroy a relationship over time through fears.
What is it that really created that fire of passion when you both first met, and why has it gone today? Do you really know?
What does a man have to do when his wife has complained at him for years and his sex life disappeared over night, and is now she is quiet and depressed what can he do to help her?
You see anyone can have a wonderful relationship when all is going well, but it’s when it goes wrong is when a relationship either grows or dies. If you knew just the fundamental differences between sexes you would be rushing to discover these critical truths and more.
How can you create a future that is secure if you don’t have the skills to create it? I welcome your comments below.
From children we are taught certain skills which are designed to hamper our progress through life? Not only does what we get taught cause us emotional problems, but it also magnifies problems in our relationships.
If you are unaware you can control these behaviours and emotions, what happens is the world becomes difficult to deal with and it can feel that the world, or others are always against you.
The result can be a overly negative view on the world, maybe you just don’t feel lucky and others seem to get it all, whilst you are left with what’s left. Maybe you feel that to get what you want you always have to fight, or maybe life has to be hard for you to be successful.
Whatever your experience you are probably trained to live in reaction to the world you live in. What this does is focus you on what’s wrong and when you do that search within you, it’s very easy to find a lot of things that are wrong either with the world, or your life.
Plus when you focus on what’s wrong and you start to condition yourself to see the world negatively, this automatically puts you in a poor state of mind and this will stunt your growth. This is why people get stuck in poverty, or relationships that don’t work.
Now what happens is because there is no growth in your life, more bad stuff happens to you, because you are not in the right place emotionally to give yourself what you need.
The irony is this, it takes just as much effort to look for what’s right as it does to look for what’s wrong, but the result will be a world of difference.
Those people who are successful in all aspect of their life are not just lucky, they created their own luck through a focus on what will give them the life they desire. From this place they create great questions, that creates answers that lead them to actions that give them a better opportunity/chance to get what they desire.
So if you want to experience a great life you have to create an experience that leads you to what you want.
That experience is based on how you focused your mind and your desire / motivation to make it happen.
So if you take responsibility for how you experience the world this put you back in control of what happens to YOU. You no longer have to please others to get what you need, you no longer have watch as other get what they want from the world. You no longer have see life as against you. YOU can take part right now!
What happens is you TAKE BACK CONTROL and create experiences every day that will give you the right state to ask the right questions. Look at the difference below and think about what you do, especially in part of your life that are not working.
OK I know initially I went as I hoped to save my marriage. Well it takes two to do that and my ex-husband wasn’t committed to doing so – the lure of the new woman was just too great!
Left with having to pick up the pieces of ‘me’ I’ve continued to see Stephen over the last 11 months, determined to get myself into a better state of mind. I will readily admit there have been times when I’ve ‘fought’ Stephen with a passion, feeling and believing that I was right and he wrong! I’ve had sessions cancelled by him as he wasn’t prepared to waste my money (for which I am grateful!). I’ve argued with him and I’ve had moments of disliking the experience. None of which sounds very positive! But in hindsight 99% of these arguments have actually been with myself as I’ve battled to change how I view things, to take responsibility for me and to learn and understand how I can make things different for me. To learn and to realise that I needed to become my own best friend.
There have been times in this ‘process’ that I’ve had huge problems even understanding what was expected of me! As I’ve said on my blog it often felt as if I was learning a foreign language. I understood the individual words but the meaning of the sentences eluded me!
So what’s kept me going? Well in the final analysis a belief that if I didn’t I’d be letting myself down. Short-changing me. That I’d miss out on seeing the complete picture. Also a determination not to end up a forlorn divorcee!! I wanted so much more than that.
And although I can truthfully say I haven’t been one of Stephen’s high-speed successes (In fact I must have been one of his slowest!) I’ve appreciated his patience, encouragement, guidance and incredible, steadfast determination in seeing me through, as I’ve come to terms with understanding my past and planning my new future.
Some of my friends are aghast at what they think it has probably cost me. But given how many sessions I’ve had it hasn’t been a huge amount and anyway “What price Happiness?” It can’t have a price. I’ve probably wasted a few of the sessions – in fact I know I have – but I was the one who chose to do that. At least Stephen had the decency to temporarily ‘throw me out’ when I was in danger of wasting my money big time!
So where am I now. I have gained a confidence and belief in myself I’d have never thought possible. A knowledge of me and what makes me buzz and what I need in life to make me happy and feel alive. I now know, not only that I can and have to be my own best friend but I can also be my own coach! I can help me out of my own moments of despair!
I have discovered many different versions of me and to each of those versions I now know and understand the values I need to bring to the top of my list to make that version work well. I can swop in and out of these different versions with greater ease as the days pass and I am discovering that bringing different Values to the fore brings about an inner peace and control within me that I never had before.
But I’ve also learned that so often we fail to really communicate with each other, we each put our own take on situations based on what’s happened to us in our pasts. We interpret conversations and statements in different ways; we hear what we want to hear and we can fail spectacularly to understand each other if we are not careful. Our brains filter and distort the words we hear because the person speaking to us has a different past to ours.
I just wish I’d understood all this better a long time ago. But I also now know that for 17 years I was probably married to the wrong man. Yes he made me happy – incredibly at times – but not all the time. Why? Because ultimately he wasn’t happy with being himself.
I may not have got the future I truly want yet but I now believe it will be possible. I just know I will attract the right people around me and one day one of them will be the one for me.
So now I guess I’m probably fairly close to ‘going it alone’. I still feel I would love to know more. Stephen is now gently, kindly - and firmly – weaning me off my Coaching Sessions (I’m now going once a month!) and pushing me off on my own, but I know he is still there for help and guidance should I need it!
I have Goals I need to throw my heart and soul into achieving. And I believe I can. I have the tools to do so.
I shall miss the sessions when they finally stop, as I now find them so interesting and enjoyable but I know the time has come for me to fly and very soon – to fly alone. (Sorry about the flying reference – I’m a glider pilot!).
And if what I’ve written here inspires someone else in trouble to seek, get and learn what I’ve learned then that will be a lovely bonus for me.
Caroline
If you wish to read about the journey Caroline has been on from near suicide to a vision of a wonderful future please click here to read her blog.
When we are ready for a committed relationship the decision of who to choose to spend our life with is a critical one. After all the usually intention is to meet and live with someone for the rest of our lives.
So with the only life you have, I expect choosing that partner is going to be one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Bigger than your career, money, houses, cars etc. We can all get new jobs, more money, but where can you get true LOVE. Loss of love is far more painful than any other life experience, I know because I see the truth in my sessions every day.
So if it is the most important part of our time on earth then understanding how relationships work would be top of the list. Sadly this is not the case and the result is so painful and costly on many levels.
Of course for the most, the desire to have this understanding of how relationships work is at the bottom of the list especially at the start of a relationship. A desire to understand why things are going wrong only starts to creep to the top of the list when things start to go wrong, which of course they alway do.
When couples get to the point of things going wrong consistently they are discovering what they are doing is not working, but they keep doing it in the vain hope their partner will learn, understand and listen… but of course they don’t. Many even bury their heads in the sand hoping for a better day.
Some try everything they can think of, assuming that’s all they can do, of course they are wrong, but they don’t know they are wrong. Their knowledge is limited and this is going to cost them more than they know.
At the point a relationship starts to go wrong it is critical to know what to do. It is at that point the relationship either grows or dies. It dies a little each time the couple get it wrong, resentment starts to build and before long the individual(s) lose respect for the relationship.
Of course if any person in a relationship starts to feel that life starts to feel wrong then they could start to feel that the relationship is wrong for them and planning a secret escape route is very possible.
I know many relationships and families can be saved, but the couple have to want to save their relationship, or at least be open minded that just maybe what they know today is not enough to save the relationship, and maybe they don’t know enough to keep a relationship alive.
Education is the key to building successful, lasting and passionate relationships.
Find out what you don’t know today, it could just save your relationship and your family. For a call back request
Many people unhappy in their relationship get to the point where they start to seriously wonder, “…should I break up with my partner?” Husband, Wife, Girlfriend, Boyfriend whoever you are there comes a point in your relationship where this question comes up.
There is a whole variety of reactions to this question.
The chances of this really working is slim, because the reason the couple were having problems has not been addressed. The reason is because the couple will be totally unaware of what is driving them at a subconscious level. This means behaviours and feelings are being created without conscious thought. [Read more...]
One of my biggest quests has been to understand the answer to that question. The answer to this question has helped me to help others create the happiness they deserve. After all if we could understand why people fail all we would have to do is do the reverse….Simple!
That sounds reasonable, in fact most people already know what to do, but on the whole they don’t do it.
For example:
What you are about to read may sound obvious, but take heed, a lot of what you say you know and you should do, you probably don’t. So knowledge is really only powerful if you then decide to use it. Plus beware of the sting in the tail if you get this wrong…
Now I know that only 10% of you will actually do this and only 3-5% will actually follow through, why this happens no one knows just decide quickly if you are going to be in the 3% or the 97%.
Step one: Decide what you really want, discover what would make your life just the way it should be. Great relationship, money, career, adventures, stuff what would you really like your life to be like?
This is where the 90% give up, they think what they want is not possible, if that’s you, fair enough.
Get your wife or husband boy friend, girl friend involved, get the family involved give yourself permission to create the possibility of living an exciting exceptional life. After all it won’t happen unless you create it.
Step two: Decide what you want, and write it down
This critical because the goal becomes more powerful, plus as time passes and your goals change you can see how many of your goals you have achieved and how as you learn more about yourself and life how those goals change.
Step three: Keep your lists.
Many of us have a goal of becoming wealthy and the term millionaire tends to sum of this goal.
The Goals: Why not create a goal to become a millionaire, or a wonderful partner, why not both?
What’s important is not what you’ll get if you do this, what important is who you’ll have to become to be able to achieve those goals.
If the money isn’t important give it to a charity,
Set the goal that will make something of you, when you achieve them.
Challenge yourself don’t be afraid of the pressure, stop doing what’s easy, grow that muscle that will help you create a life. The 97% live an existence unaware of what really happening, look around you at the ground hog day people who have lowered their standards through fear of not getting what they want. Is this really who you want to become?
If you don’t think you need much, then of course you don’t need to become much, some of you maybe happy not becoming much, it’s your life and your choice… BUT…!
Don’t sell out, on your values in your quest for poor goals, or no goals at all, because that will go against all you believe in, you will be the creator of your own life disasters.
An unhappy life is a result of you doing less than you are capable of and the reason this is possible is a lack of discipline, poor focus and poor goals.
Relationship coaching starts with helping individuals understand who the core them really is and helping them understand what life they were designed to live.
Only when an individual gets this, do they start to attract all they desire.
Beware of your fears because whatever they are, they have become your goals, because whatever you focus on you’ll get.
Please choose wisely…
This is one of the most frequent questions I get asked, this is where the concern in the mind of the individual is usually a concern of time or money.
Both of which are valuable to us all…
The usual amount of sessions to get desired results is between 4 – 12 sessions. I been know to sort a problem in one session, but because the clients is not confident with the speed of their change they carry on coming. All my sessions are 2 hours so we usually get a lot covered. I see a lot of clients quickly because I know people have busy lives and months of weekly sessions is not ideal, especially when your relationship is on the line.
If I do see clients for longer this is because their crisis problems are sorted and what they want is help with planning their future.
99% of my clients make the necessary changes within 4-12 sessions that time, there are some clients which go slightly over… [Read more...]
A young lady came to me this week stuck in her past, she had become depressed because she couldn’t get over how she had been treated by her ex. He had left her for another woman and with no money. Her ex was still with the same woman 2.5 years later and was living a wonderful life and now planning a family.
Meanwhile she was stuck depressed and full of resentment for how he treated her, she wanted to forget him, but felt that she couldn’t.
She was so traumatised by what had happened she had stayed stuck for 2.5 years. Fed up of life always feeling so bad she called me. [Read more...]
Did your mother always tell you “honesty is the best policy” she is right BUT, here is the bit she missed out. There are many truths in any situation and your relationship and your life is no different. My question to you is which truth are you feeding yourself, in fact which truth are you so focused on that even you now believe your own hype?
Many people become stuck because they are so focused on all that is wrong, they have done this for so long it becomes a part of them, almost home.
As you know there are many ways to experience a situation, and your experiences are based on meanings that you create. 100 people in your situation would feel totally differently to you. Practice feeling bad enough and the meanings you give to your experiences will become automatic and then feel normal, you dislike how you feel but this is now you.
These bad feelings actually become part of you, some will even defend their feelings and even feel like giving up blaming the whole world for an awful life.
You will then believe that how you feel is real, and it is, but only on the back of what you have focused on constantly that has enabled how you feel today to be possible.
So you can choose to be honest with yourself about how you now feel about your life, or your relationship and how it’s not how it should be and that’s why you feel so dreadful every day…
…or you can choose to be really honest and look for other truths that will help you see how amazing life can be if only you stopped searching for what’s wrong and focused on getting control of you, and your life.
As soon as you do this what you will notice is you kick your mind into searching for how to get you to a far better place.
Relationships, money, careers etc… You can plan what you want far easier from a place of hope than from a place of despair. So if you have just realised that it’s you that’s has created your own despair what do you now want to do.
There are as you can see, many truths make sure you don’t get caught up in the one that hurts you and makes your life as it is today, and makes it permanent.
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
