“Last Chance Saloon” Part 1 – Please help me get my wife back

Helping couples make the right decision about the rest of their lives is a huge responsibility I take very seriously. The future of their relationship and family hangs in the balance of me getting their strategy right to give them clarity.

Some couples have done what they can themselves but are stuck. Some have sought help but are either stuck or still no further forward.

A sentence I hear often is I’m their “Last Chance Saloon”.

Some people call in because they have a partner who has no interest in seeking help and these people feel very lost and alone – so today’s post is to help those people learn where there is hope. [Read more...]

“What do you actually hear when I speak?” – Couples communication problems

One of the most fundamental challenges all couples face is understanding what the other is really saying to them.

If you can’t understand each other then gaining a connection that makes sense is going to become a monumental challenge.

The trend of what I see is the men admit to me they really don’t understand their wives and the women tell me they are being crystal clear to their husbands.

I’m generalising here of course.

In these situations, I have to help women understand what men hear when they speak and help men understand what she wants.

So many women I see cannot believe that their men don’t understand what they are saying, to them their messages are simple to understand so in her mind he, either doesn’t love her or there something wrong with him. [Read more...]

Foundations of successful marriages

There is no question that a significant percentage of the population is struggling to understand how to keep their marriage alive because they are missing the foundation you are about to read about.

By alive I mean passionate and emotionally connected whilst both excited about their future and purpose for being together.

So why is this so difficult for so many?

The real reason is simple…

It takes very little skill to fall in love but it takes real understanding to keep a loving passionate connection alive for life.

Building a successful marriage takes an understanding of critical foundations that if constantly practised gives couples a significantly better chance of keeping a marriage alive for life. [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]

Why do so many couples struggle to communicate?

Have you ever wondered why so many intimate couples across the globe are struggling to get through to each other?

Effective communication for so many couples can seem almost impossible but it’s, of course, critical for the health and longevity of the relationship.

Couples that can’t communicate can find they lose trust and respect for each other as they try to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partners attack on their character.

Some go round in circles, some have the same argument over and over, some bicker about everything and anything and some just give up.

If you were to speak to both parties they will be 100% convinced they are being clear and yet their partner can take their words and make them mean something totally different.

Some people are so flabbergasted by their partners’ behaviours they embark on a quest to help them become more like them because life would be easier that way. Be more like me is their solution and is usually a recipe for disaster.  [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

What Really Saves a Couple from Divorcing?

When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.

At the start of the process:

  • They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
  • They have spent years going round in circles.
  • The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
  • They were exhausted.

I see this as a normal start.

  • What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.

What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship. [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

Top 7 relationship mistakes that lead couples to severe marital stress and many to divorce

I spend year after year with couples from all over the world who travel to see me to gain life-changing solutions to some of the most challenging marital issues.

Living day-to-day with all these couples in varying degrees of crisis helps me to see that so many couples are creating very common problems in their own relationship without even realising.

So today I’m going to share with you what I’m seeing so you can look at what is happening in your own relationship.

Each one of these points below is critical to thoroughly understand: [Read more...]

“A path to a better relationship in 2018″

There is no question that creating a lifelong relationship is a significant challenge. So many couples are having problems because they are missing so much information when they first start their relationship which they are going to need for it to survive.

Sadly they don’t know this when they get together. Few people are looking for this critical information because the start of the relationship is giving them most if not all of what they need to feel happy.

So naturally, who wants to fix a problem we don’t have? Totally makes sense – right!

Unfortunately, many of us have been sold on the “happy ever after” not aware that we need a to approach our relationship in a very different way to ensure both people remain connected and excited for life. [Read more...]

“Should I be in this marriage?” She asked

So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?

They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.

I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.

As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.

I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life. [Read more...]

The Sex-Starved Relationship

So who is to say how much sex is the right amount of sex for couples in committed long-term relationships? There are many theories, but whatever the frequency and level of engagement it’s important they are on the same page and happy. 

Research is telling us that a significant amount couples are disappointment with their sex lives. Some focused on quantity some on quality and some just grateful for whatever is on offer with an ongoing hint of resentment.

Some want a richer and more passionate sexual connection but are afraid to bring up their true needs and desires through fear of not being loved or accepted.

Some are just not interested and see sex as just sex so not very important, totally unaware of the suffering their partner is feeling each time they are rejected. So for some, they will give up asking and start detaching. [Read more...]

She’s lost sexual interest in him – Why?

If you are a woman wondering why you have lost attraction and sexual interest in your husband, or you are a man confused/upset because your wife no longer seems interested in sex this post is for you.

Many naturally feminine women are becoming stuck in a masculine identity in their relationship as their husbands are struggling to know what to do to keep their wives emotionally safe.

Most husbands know how to keep her physically safe, but emotional security is a totally confusing concept for so many men.

For many women in a long-term relationship the bridge to a sexual connection is preceded by a need for an emotional connection this is what she needs to align with him so attraction is created within her for him. [Read more...]

Change the patterns of behaviour that are hurting your relationship

We all have behaviour patterns that help us lead efficient lives. We don’t want to think about which shoe we always put on first. BUT… What we do need to look at is the habitual patterns we have that are damaging our lives and our relationships.

Many people are totally unaware of how their actions are leading themselves to an unhappy place. With some basic knowledge of what’s really going on they can develop new and powerful skills that can grow both themselves and their relationships.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed once you know why it’s there. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought and will defend it. [Read more...]

7 reasons why so many couples are heading towards divorce

The following list is typically what I see is missing from the couples I meet in my sessions everyday who are at crisis-point and are looking for answers or a safer direction.

Their challenges can range from loss-of-love to affairs, from discovery of escort services to family issues, from loss of trust to power struggles.

You name it and i’ve seen it!

What’s interesting is these couples are all very unique, they are all driven differently and operate very different value systems and they all naturally have very unique childhoods.

Given these differences every couple has to have from me a very different approach to help them gain the answers they require, but the core practices listed below that help maintain healthy relationships are not present in a large percentage of these couples.

So I thought it might be worth while expanding on these points so you can take a look at how many of these are present or not in your relationship. [Read more...]

Exactly why do so many marriages struggle to make it! – How do you stop it from going wrong?

If you are one of those couples who’s worried about your future together, I know through my own personal life and relationship journey the ups and downs of getting it wrong is incredibly painful.

What I’ve learned in the past 30 years has really shocked me.

It shocked me because I never knew growing up from anyone what needs to happen for a marriage to really last and thrive – To be open with you I never thought I had to do much other than be a nice guy and work hard.

How wrong can you be… [Read more...]

Are the MEANINGS YOU are putting to your partners behaviours killing your relationship?

I see so many coupes in conflict over one thing, there is a continuous giant misunderstanding of each other and they are both guilty of not seeing it.

What’s very sad is this misunderstanding is widespread and is crippling couples and destroying families everywhere as they wrongly assume their relationship can’t work.

Growing up I can’t ever remember being given any information around the staggering differences between men and women and this was setting me up for failure and a lot of pain. [Read more...]

Marriage in Crisis? Has your partner fallen out of love with you and you want to save your relationship? Learn the steps to helping them fall back in love with you again.

Today’s post is a combination of what to do and what not to do if you want to save your relationship.

The first action a couple has to take to see if it’s possible to rebuild their relationship is to take the pressure out of the situation.

When one person has moved emotionally out of the relationship their partner is likely to be taking actions they hope will bring them back in, most people fail at this because their strategy doesn’t honour their partners’ feelings which are powerful and very real.

These are some typical behaviours people are using that don’t work [Read more...]