Marriages out of control

I once had a mentor who said “whatever you want in this world find someone who has what you want and find out what they did to get it”. Another mentor said “…you could also learn from those that have failed. Learn what they have done and avoid doing that”.

So here is what I see couples doing that I strongly suggest you avoid doing.

Couples who are in trouble struggle to communicate, and they are focused on trying to be right losing sight of what they are really trying to achieve. [Read more...]

Without this skill most will relationships fail…

Yes it’s true, to build a successful relationship a particular skill is needed and if it is missing the survival of the relationship is dramatically challenged.

This skill is important for everyone, because everyone is different and without it couples struggle to feel secure with each other.

Security is critical in a relationship and this skill will help to build that safety.

The relationship needs to flow and feel easy and this skill will help the couple to feel that flow. [Read more...]

If you’re willing to change your thinking you can change your life

If you are not getting results in your life that you want then it’s a great idea to ask why?

The easy route is to put blame on external factors, my partner is not right for me, I don’t have enough money, I’m too fat, too thin, too old.

The challenge with this approach is it changes nothing, it keeps the person stuck and increasingly resentful that life is not what it should be.

This can lead the person to settle that this is just how life is, this makes them vulnerable and so they have to rebalance their world which could lead them to become hard and bitter over time. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip One: Be Aware That Your Mind Will Grow Whatever You Feed It?

Whatever you feed your mind will come true. You will become what you think most about. This law is universal and in relationships it’s very obvious to see.

Follow the words below and see how you can
relate this to your life and relationship.

When a couple first meets and they share that powerful magnetic attraction for each other. What they are going to be focused on is what’s so great about their new lover.

They can daydream about all the great qualities their new lover has, they feel excited and full of anticipation, the world looks brighter and more exciting and it’s not long before they run around telling their family and friends how amazing their new lover is. [Read more...]

Are You An Attractive Partner To Be With?

Being attractive to your partner is critical, but being attractive is less about what you look like and more about how you behave and treat your partner. I have created over 40 relationship musts for couples that want a passionate relationship that lasts. Below is a sample 15 of those musts .

    1. Relationships are created they don’t just happen.
    2. Relationship that focus on contribution (giving) creates the deepest bond as time passes.
    3. Never make your relationship about you… [Read more...]

Understanding what men want

Yes men have needs too and if she can learn to understand what he needs he will feel great about himself and attach that great feeling to her. So below is an outline of what he wants/needs. Of course every man is different and so try out some of the suggestions below and see what reaction you get.

He wants to know he can please her. This is a primary driver in most men and is a significant source of pain if he feels can’t. If she’s not happy he will be in pain.

He wants her to give him feedback. If you don’t tell a man when he’s done well he will assume his actions haven’t worked and he will never do it again. [Read more...]

I do give but I get nothing back?

You are impossible...

When a person feels that they put lots of effort into their relationship and they end up getting very little to nothing back, this can and will cause pain in their relationship.

Many couples come into sessions with this exact complaint.

What’s even more frustrating is when one person does feel they are giving, but their partner communicates,

“What do you give me? I get nothing” or “I know you love me but I don’t feel it”

Many couples are in this space and there is a simple reason behind it. [Read more...]

Do you have to understand your partners emotions before you will respect them?

Reassuring her everything will be okay

Couples who judge each other, or belittle their partners’ emotions will usually find resentment in their relationship and this can be very damaging.

One of the golden keys to a successful marriage is to take away judgment of your partners’ behavior(s).

If he or she feels something, that something is very real to them and even if it makes no sense to you, showing you care about them is critical. [Read more...]

Just because it’s not important to you – it does not mean it’s not important to your partner

You don't understand me at all...

One of the keys to a successful relationship / marriage is understanding or at least a desire to understand your partners’ emotions.

If you or your partner feels something, that feeling is real and needs to be respected.

It doesn’t matter if you agree with their reasons behind why they are upset, what’s important is the person you say you care/love about is in trouble emotionally and your job is to care and to help them. [Read more...]

What is most important to your partner?

Am I imporrtant to you?

I just don't feel that you care about me?

Is it you?

If anyone in a relationship / marriage feels that someone or something is more important to their partner than they are – there will be trouble.

What’s important to understand it’s doesn’t have to be the attractive female in the office who is just “a friend” or the man down the gym “giving her advice” that can cause problems for relationships. [Read more...]

Relationships and Depression

Relationships and depression is a very challenging combination for any couple because depression creates the behaviors within the person that stops them giving the relationship the fuel it needs to survive.

One question we could ask is what caused the depression, and one of the answers of course could be the relationship is the problem. [Read more...]

Groundhog Day…

Many couples live in a Groundhog Day existence , with activities such as work, children, same kinds of things happen every day.

This kind of life just happens to people they don’t actually plan it…

So do you ever feel like this, maybe you’re bored with life and you wished there was more? Or maybe you are one of the lucky ones that’s got the perfect life?

Well it got me thinking, what if you were to design the perfect Groundhog Day, what would it look like?

This is the Groundhog Day you would be very happy to live every day… [Read more...]

How To Save My Marriage – Step-By-Step Advice by Stephen Hedger

When trying to save any marriage knowing where to put your energy is very important. So many couples who have lost their intimacy focus on that part of their relationship and try to fix that with disastrous consequences for their relationship.

In many cases the intimacy is not the core issue it’s a symptom of the couples real problem.

The couple may have lost trust in each other, or in their future together. If trust goes then the desire to meet each others needs also goes away.

So if the couple lose those two key element then intimacy will suffer. [Read more...]

Secrets of a successful marriage

If you are looking for the secret of a successful marriage then the starting point is to understand that building a successful marriage takes skill, understanding and is definitely not for the lazy.

A successful relationship is one that is lasting and passionate. Lasting sexless relationships are not the goal of couples choosing to marry, but unfortunately this is the way they end up.

So what needs to be in place for you both to survive the years of the ups and downs that life throw at you. [Read more...]

Understanding men in relationships

What is a man designed to do? He is designed to be physically strong make firm decisions, breakthrough challenges and take action to solve or fix problems.

When he is in this space he feels great about himself and ironically this is what many women want their men to be like.

You see many women are surprised in my couples session when we discuss how our needs are met.

Women in relationship crisis will have needs missing. They feel the trust has gone and they usually feel less certain about their future. [Read more...]

How to trust again after an affair

Trust is one of those key foundations for life, without it we know that something feels very wrong.

So how do you create trust, how is it possible to trust others? How is it possible to trust others when you have proof at times they can’t be trusted?

One lady came to me last year for help because her partner had an affair, she wanted to keep the relationship, but felt naturally vulnerable and so she presented him with a legal document she wanted him to sign. [Read more...]

ME ME ME – BLAME BLAME BLAME

As soon as the relationship becomes all about “ME” the relationship is over. As soon as the person is pointing the finger at their partner blaming them for all the problems because of what they are not getting, it’s all over. You may still be together in a house, but you are migrating towards problems.

  • FACT- If a relationship is not growing it’s dying.

You see a relationship is about ‘giving’ not ‘taking’ when a couple consistently gives to each other in the way they need the relationship will grow. If they constantly take naturally the relationship will become empty and so dies. [Read more...]

Relationship Mastery

Give your love unconditionally, or it may cripple your relationship. Read on and I will share how this can happen. A few months back a couple came to see me she had decided the relationship was over, she felt he was no longer the man she married and she saw no future.

He was very keen to get her back. I was concerned because he was so fearful about losing her, he would do anything to get her back and be unsuccessful if his efforts felt weak and needy to her. She was very clear she would be open minded, but he has to do this for himself not for her, or just to get the relationship back. [Read more...]

How easy love can die yet a simple change can bring it back

For twenty years they lived together, she never felt loved by him, but he loved her with all his heart. He showed his love in so many ways, but she never really felt it.

He gave her everything he could think of, but he knew in his heart whatever he did was never really enough. Even though he knew she was not truly happy inside he could never let her go, because he loved her so much. He hoped she would see what a great man he was and the unspoken problems would go away. [Read more...]

How Do You Make Changes With Couples So Quickly?

When couples have experienced problems for a long time they get into patterns of thought and patterns of behaviour within their relationship which to them feels normal.

These patterns can be destructive without the person knowing and so what to them is keeping them safe may actually be destroying their relationship.

My job is to understand and break their patterns from destructive to growth orientated.

Pattern interrupts are the core of what works in all therapies. However their method of how to interrupt a persons habitual thought process/patterns  is varied. Some methods take years some take months some take weeks some happen in one session.

How long a person or couple wants to take to make changes is up to them. Some people want the process to take time, some people like months/years of therapy.

What I wanted and has become my life mission was to find a way to help couples quickly, couples in crisis don’t have much time because their relationship is already on the edge of divorce/break-up.

Award Winning Master family therapists and the top coaches in the world have discovered that significant changes does not have to takes years or months it can actually happen in just a few sessions, sometimes it can happen in just one session.

What they discovered is changing the face of how we help individuals and couples to live happier and more fulfilled lives. They changed how I worked and 80% of couples in my practice make significant changes very quickly.

Of course not all couples fixed their relationships (20% on average don’t get fixed), but the reason were simple, when an individual has no desire to change and their partner is the one that has to change for them to feel ok then the couple will continue to struggle. Also some people either have totally different life goals, or they really just are incompatible. So in some cases separation is the right move.

The core goal is not to fix the relationship at any cost. Happiness and fulfilment has to be the ultimate result, together or apart.

The process to create change is very simple

Firstly the person has to want to make changes. You cannot force a person to want to change.

People are usually focused to make changes when the threshold of pain becomes too much and they feel they have no choice.

Many couples in crisis give up with each other replacing love with resentment and a lack of respect.

When they come for sessions with me I help them understand there is more they can do to rebuild their relationship than they have been aware of.  I help them understand the differences between the sexes the importance of core needs and values. How to grow together and work as a team when problems strike their relationship.

This helps the couple to understand that maybe there is hope because this a new approach that will actually meets their core needs and help them to be successful.

The next step is to interrupt the patterns that have destroyed their relationship and replaced those patterns with something far more appealing that meets their needs at the deepest levels.

For example: A man may be driven by significance. When they argue he feels he is significant when he is always right, this works for him in his career. His intent and desire is to feel important and strong for her. I help him see that trying to win arguments actually makes him insignificant in her eyes because she feels bullied and controlled not loved.

If he was to look after her in the way she really needed then she would stop at nothing to help him feel strong and important as the real man in her life.

Simple changes massive results for them both…