First step to solving relationship problems

If you want to solve your relationship problems then your approach has to move you both towards a place that will create a world you both can agree is the way it should be.

For most couples who are struggling this can feel totally impossible. The reason it feels impossible is because the way they are approaching their problems is likely to be making them feel much worse without knowing.

Most individuals both want to be happy, however their individual approaches to achieving this desired emotional state are so different, both people WILL become confused by each other. [Read more...]

Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

Too afraid to love…

If there was ever a list of problems that consumed the majority of couples, being ‘too afraid to love’ would be very high on that list. Sadly many individuals/couples are not aware that this is their challenge and as you read on you will discover why.

I see couples in crisis every week so I’m going to have a very unique perspective on the world of relationships, so in todays post i’m going to share what I’m seeing with these couples in crisis so if you are struggling this may help you.

If you were aware that ‘not being loved’ was one of the biggest fears for all humans then this might start to give us some perspective on why being ‘too afraid to love’ is such a widespread problem. [Read more...]

Holding back your love

There are times in every relationship when your partner will do or say something that will shock you. 

It could be a small thing that just keeps irritating you even though you’ve told them it upsets you, but they carry on not seeming to care or…

…It could be a big thing that helps you question if you really know the person you are living with.

When our partner hurts us emotionally it can affect us very deeply. So if this happens what do we all want to do? [Read more...]

He thought she didn’t love him so he started an affair?

This couple had been married for 15 years and a hidden problem was going to cause shock waves with an unexpected result, especially for him.

She discovered he had cheated on her. He said in the session “I never thought you loved me” shocked she replied “how could you say that, that’s NOT TRUE?” She was angry and crying shaking her head in total disbelief.

What’s interesting is for him it felt very true. In fact he lived for years thinking that he was not loved by her and was just a source of pain for her.

He thought now she had discovered the affair she would leave him and go on to be happy with another man. He was in for a shock, she did the reverse of what he expected she fought with a passion to love him throughout the pain of what he had done to her. [Read more...]

If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]

Partner wants to leave the marriage and you desperately want to save it…

If you find yourself in this situation there are some things you must not do if you want to keep them.

You see the natural reaction is going to be to tell them it’s a terrible mistake, prove to them all the great things in the relationship and put pressure on them to see it your way whilst explaining the pain and destruction they will cause the children.

This is all understandable, but when you see the world from their perspective you might want to think again.

So lets jump into their shoes, they have probably been feeling awful for along time so they are going to feel emotionally empty. They will have deleted all the good in the relationship because keeping focused on the bad is what will keeps them emotionally safe and what they really want is to feel free of the pressure and pain the relationship is giving them. [Read more...]

They felt their marriage was dead but they were keen to learn the truth

Last year I was working with a couple who were struggling to connect with each other and it looked on the surface that the relationship was actually dead.

In fact it was dead the way they were running it. They came to me wanting to see if it could be fixed, she was not that hopeful, she felt he was too selfish and she had made a mistake marrying him.

I had to help them discover the truth and help them understand their beliefs about each other and the relationship.

So I explored what the start of the relationship was like.

When they met she loved the potential in him she could see the growth potential and the security that would provide, but she also loved his sense of freedom and passion in his interests. He seemed like the full package so getting married was easy. [Read more...]

How to get a couple from near divorce back to love step-by-step

One of the reasons I love the process of coaching couples through their problems is the precision in which I can help them both see how to get to their desired result. 

Through the diagram below I will explain how it works.

Six-step-chart

Every couple is different and so the process from A-B will be unique to them

The green letter ‘A’ represents where the couple are today. This is important to understand because the couple will present where they think they are and sometimes it’s far worse than they think and sometimes it’s far better. [Read more...]

FEELINGS: What is your mind really trying to tell you?

Feelings are very powerful and life changing decisions can be created from them, especially if we keep having the same feelings about the same things.

For example: My husband doesn’t understand me, or my wife is so negative. If people keep having this experience what feelings will they experience and what meanings will be created?

The wife that thinks her husband doesn’t understand her is going to have feelings that means he doesn’t care. The husband that thinks his wife is always negative is going to feel she is impossible to please.

Practiced enough these two feelings can lead a couple to [Read more...]

Battle of the mind

You may have noticed that you have a battle in your mind. Did you know that everyone has these battles and for some these battles can keep them stuck, others can have battles that slowly lead them to a future they really never wanted.

It is true that the way you think creates your future, so if you want to move towards the future you desire then learning this could literally change your life forever.

As an example, wealthy people think differently to people without financial resources. There is a saying that suggests that if all the worlds wealth was evenly distributed to everyone, eventually the wealth would land back where it is today.

In my sessions many people are thinking protection in their quest to become safer in their relationship. They think, if I shut down, numb my feelings I will be safe. In the short-term this works. So the person keeps practicing these thoughts, in other words they condition/programme their own mind that this thinking is the way to stay safe and secure. [Read more...]

Why are women most likely to file for a divorce?

Todays post is not just a warning to men it’s a message to men and women to beware of what’s happening in their own relationships without them knowing.

To be clear both people are 100% responsible for protecting their relationship.

Statistics are clearly showing that over 70% of women are filing for divorce and there are really good reasons for this.

This trend is actually very easy to understand once you know the significant differences between men and women.

The way men work is they like to get rid of their own problems very quickly. They can do this because they are less emotionally connected to their problems.

Women don’t work this way and their problems can have a bigger emotional affect on them. [Read more...]

Does your partner want a divorce and you want to save your marriage?

If your partner wants a divorce and you don’t agree it’s the right solution to your problems it’s critical to understand what has brought them to this point.

In terms of behaviour and communication the following will be impacting them:

  • They are likely to communicate a loss of feelings, such as a loss of love.
  • They will have lost trust in their future happiness in the relationship.
  • They will have lost respect for their partner.
  • They will have shifted their actions to be all focused on themselves.
  • You may feel that you are living with a totally different person.

You may notice a total change in their behaviours i.e. wanting to spend more time with their friends, work, children or interests.

All their behaviours will be designed to move them away from their pain and towards what will give them small bites of pleasure.

It’s likely that a person wanting a divorce will create a story that will justify why leaving the relationship is a good idea. [Read more...]

The Warrior & The Princess

When the warrior first meets and falls for the princess he marvels at her beauty, he stands by her side looking after her, protecting her and loving her. Full of his love the princess connects with his powerful presence, his honestly and his strength for her. 

She looks into his eyes and sees the future clearly, a wonderful life is possible with a warrior like this she feels. She knows this man loves her and she can see he will become a great man, so her future looks full and secure.

So the princess gives herself to the warrior and they agree to spend their life together. Every day the warrior goes into battle, his mission to protect his family.

She loves and nurtures her new family and she is absorbed with her new role, she is no longer just a princess she is now a mother and lover too. [Read more...]

The decision to leave a marriage can happen in a moment

Individuals in relationships / marriages are silently making decisions across the country that are totally changing the direction of the couples lives forever. These decisions are very powerful and can leave their partners in total shock feeling helpless to change their minds.  

These decisions, are made in the moment and can profoundly change the persons behaviours. So warm, caring and loving people can become cold and distant. It can feel like you’re living with a total stranger.

Even though the decision to end the relationship takes a moment people take months some take years to get to this point, for them it’s months of suffering. Many will have communicated their unhappiness, but feel it has landed on deaf ears. [Read more...]

Men please listen to her with your eyes and connect with what you see

Todays post is to help men become successful with their partners. The fastest way to build the deepest trust is at the point of conflict. Men if you can do this she will see you as her man, her hero, this is what she wants.

If you as a couple can build trust and love out of your conflict you will unleash in her a passionate lover for life for you.

When she is upset she will communicate many things, some hurtful, some true, some not true from your perspective.

I know men you are listening to her words and becoming hurt by all the nasty things she is saying to you. [Read more...]

I’m so sick of this…

One of the challenges couples face is when a partner brings what they call facts to the table and their partner disagrees. The couple can ping-pong and escalate out of control as both fight their corner.

So to be clear the persons feelings about what they are communicating will be true, but the facts as they communicate them will be perceptual based on many filters all humans use to create meaning.

Please remember that our mind is not a voice and video recorder.

If 100 people watch the same movie each person will create their own meaning and experience. This means we have 100 perceptions of the same fact. [Read more...]

I feel detached from my partner, what is happening to me?

Detachment is the process of self protection. The person may feel that over months or years they have not been happy in their relationship. They may feel that their partner does not care about them, is not interested in them, or simply doesn’t love them.

The persons feelings towards their partner will have changed and the relationship can feel wrong to continue. Reconnection for this person can feel impossible and the desire to fix the relationship problems are usually very low.

The person in this situation will have a vision that the past will be a reflection of the future, so it’s painful for them to even consider, all this is normal. [Read more...]

My marriage feels dead and the love has gone. Please help?

If you have lost your feelings for your partner then this means you’ve probably spent sometime feeling that your partner doesn’t understand you.

You may feel that you’ve told them you are unhappy, but they have done nothing about it and so now you think they don’t care.

Or maybe you think they do care, but whatever they do does nothing for you now.

Maybe all you feel is resentment and you have lost respect for them. [Read more...]

How To Save Your Marriage Alone!

If you want your marriage to work and your partner won’t seek help what do you do? This post is about how to save your marriage alone.

How you can make a difference in your relationship even if your partner doesn’t want to try?

The starting point is this: You have to know it is possible to save your marriage on your own, but you’re going to have to make some changes in the way you listen, understand your partner and how you behave. [Read more...]