The Wall Of Protection

Be aware that if you build a wall of protection around you in your relationship three things will happen:

  • You will numb yourself from feeling pain.
  • You will block any positive advances from your partner.
  • You will block and shut down your ability to feel towards your partner.

The wall serves the purpose of creating the CERTAINTY the person needs, BUT it will disconnect the person from their partner.

This disconnection helps the person to feel that their relationship is dead, this is not always true. The feelings can be dormant rather than dead.

So couples can end their relationship though a lack of understanding.

One of the questions you can ask is this: Is my partner trying to hurt me?

You will probably discover that even though your partner does hurt you that is not their intent. What hurts can be their sheer frustration at not being able to get through.

Knowing your partner is NOT trying to hurt you is one of the green lights to exploring the potential in the relationship.

If you’re willing to change your thinking you can change your life

If you are not getting results in your life that you want then it’s a great idea to ask why?

The easy route is to put blame on external factors, my partner is not right for me, I don’t have enough money, I’m too fat, too thin, too old.

The challenge with this approach is it changes nothing, it keeps the person stuck and increasingly resentful that life is not what it should be.

This can lead the person to settle that this is just how life is, this makes them vulnerable and so they have to rebalance their world which could lead them to become hard and bitter over time. [Read more...]

We Build Walls Of Protection Around Us When Marital Problems Strike But Does It Work?

Building a protective wall around us when emotional challenges strike in a marriage is a fairly normal process. The goal is usually to create security for that individual because life is not the way it should be.

He doesn’t care, she’s always negative, he never listens, she is aggressive and cold…

The question is, does this emotional wall work to create the security the person is after?

In the short-term the person can feel relief because when they shut down they can numb the pain they are experiencing.

The challenge the wall creates is it builds a 2 way block, the person will block out the pain, but they will also block out what they really need to be happy. This creates real problems for any marriage because it heads them to loss of respect and the end of the marriage.

For example:

[I have used a female in this example, but males will do their version of this too.]

If a female has tried and tried to get through to her husband and failed, she will stack her resentments towards him and eventually feel that she has no choice, but to create her own strength because he is not there for her in the way she needs.

It’s like she puts on a suit of armor so he can no longer hurt her. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip Four: The Power Of The Vicious Circle

You know the situation, your partner has assumed you have done something to hurt them. You try to explain that they are wrong and they have misunderstood you, but they won’t listen. Frustrated you end up losing your temper and now the problem is escalating out of control.

What started off as a simple disagreement is now a power struggle where hurt, resentment, disbelief and a loss of love starts to grow.

Both people end up feeling misunderstood and unloved. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip Three: Never Ever Give Up Without The Real Facts

One of my clients asked me, why have I decided to work with couples with marriage problems and why specifically have I decided to work with couples in extreme marital crisis?

This for me was an easy question, because…

I am passionate about relationships and family. I am especially passionate about helping lost couples find their way back to each others hearts. Also when I know there are other little hearts involved I feel even more responsibility to guide them all to safety.

  • I believe that no matter how bad a marriage becomes, couples can turn their relationship around quickly, the reason so many don’t is because they don’t know how. So exhausted they give up trying.   [Read more...]

Marriage Tip Two: Are You Enough For Your Partner?

If a person has a life without a planned direction or purpose then what should that person should expect from their life?

What would happen to the couple without direction or life purpose, they get married and don’t plan their journey through life? What should they expect from their life together?

The secret to success in this world is simple, you have to work out where you can add value and plan to add lots of value to whatever is important to you. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip One: Be Aware That Your Mind Will Grow Whatever You Feed It?

Whatever you feed your mind will come true. You will become what you think most about. This law is universal and in relationships it’s very obvious to see.

Follow the words below and see how you can
relate this to your life and relationship.

When a couple first meets and they share that powerful magnetic attraction for each other. What they are going to be focused on is what’s so great about their new lover.

They can daydream about all the great qualities their new lover has, they feel excited and full of anticipation, the world looks brighter and more exciting and it’s not long before they run around telling their family and friends how amazing their new lover is. [Read more...]

NEW “FREE Marriage Tips”

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing important information that has helped many marriages come back from the edge of divorce. So please email your friends share this page and next week we will get started.

Why is this information important?

There is no formal education open to the public on how to build successful relationships. This has proved to be devastating for couples who marry expecting their love to last.

They don’t know how their love was created. So when the inevitable problems arise they don’t know how to grow closer through their problems so they pull love away to protect themselves. It’s not long before the couple have lost the focus that created their passion and they are now focused on what’s wrong and their problems.

This is disaster for any relationship. [Read more...]

Infidelity Problems: Who is to blame?

So imagine this, she enters my session full of anger. Her partner has slept with another woman and she’s livid.

When this kind of trust gets broken it’s totally understandable for the innocent party to experience significant pain.

But when you look at the bigger picture I wonder if your initial perspective changes. [Read more...]

Understanding what men want

Yes men have needs too and if she can learn to understand what he needs he will feel great about himself and attach that great feeling to her. So below is an outline of what he wants/needs. Of course every man is different and so try out some of the suggestions below and see what reaction you get.

He wants to know he can please her. This is a primary driver in most men and is a significant source of pain if he feels can’t. If she’s not happy he will be in pain.

He wants her to give him feedback. If you don’t tell a man when he’s done well he will assume his actions haven’t worked and he will never do it again. [Read more...]

I do give but I get nothing back?

You are impossible...

When a person feels that they put lots of effort into their relationship and they end up getting very little to nothing back, this can and will cause pain in their relationship.

Many couples come into sessions with this exact complaint.

What’s even more frustrating is when one person does feel they are giving, but their partner communicates,

“What do you give me? I get nothing” or “I know you love me but I don’t feel it”

Many couples are in this space and there is a simple reason behind it. [Read more...]

Relationships and Depression

Relationships and depression is a very challenging combination for any couple because depression creates the behaviors within the person that stops them giving the relationship the fuel it needs to survive.

One question we could ask is what caused the depression, and one of the answers of course could be the relationship is the problem. [Read more...]

Relationship Frustration is caused by…

Do you ever feel that you can’t get through to your partner? Do you feel that what you are saying is landing on deaf ears? Do you feel that your partner is trying to be difficult on purpose?

If someone felt all those things what do you think they might feel and what meaning would they then put to those thoughts? [Read more...]

When does a relationship start to die?

Many relationships are dying long before the couple realise there is a real problem.

Some people will bury their heads in the sand and do nothing hoping that any problems they have will just go away and some will start a search.

So what is the danger sign that you need to look out for? What is the one thing that’s guaranteed to accelerate your problems?

Many people are watching their partners every move, or watching what their partner says and does. They start to piece together all the things that are wrong in their relationship and they find more and more things that could equal their partners don’t love them or care enough.

So as these people start their search what should they be looking out for? [Read more...]

Do You Want To Get Out Of Your Marriage?

Are you unhappy with the way your marriage has been? Maybe you feel trapped and you want to leave, but guilt keeps you together.

You may feel cheated that you were promised one thing and now you have something different.

You may feel you partner is selfish, or just focused on what they want.

You could feel insignificant or you could feel your partner is just lazy or uncaring. [Read more...]

Dating advice that leads couples to pleasure not pain

Knowing how to date in a way that protects you is critical. I have seen so many married couples in trauma it’s easy to see why when you explore how they dated.

What was the foundation of their relationship and how has it affected their dynamics?

If you want to get the best out of your dating then learn from those who have got it wrong. Discover what they did wrong and do the opposite. Today I will cover one aspect of dating that is key if the goal is to find a long-term partner.

If you speak to couples in trauma what you would discover is what initially attracted them to their partners is no longer attractive and is one of the main causes of their break up. [Read more...]

The internal fight within us breaks relationships we actually want to keep

I agree that many of you may find some of what I teach to build successful relationships goes against the grain of what you have believed and have been taught historically.

Putting your partner first, not making them wrong, giving love unconditionally can seem impossible but….

…is the challenge you face to protect what you have always done, or is it to discover new ways grow the passion back into your relationship? [Read more...]

This will eventually crush your relationship

As you scan through todays post you will start to notice if this is in your relationship. If it is then please make it your mission to change it because it is one of the fundamental behaviors that create a marriage breakdown.

No matter how your partner is behaving they will have an intent that sits behind what they do or say. If you assume their intent is anything other than good then you will rock their core foundations and they will see you as someone they can’t be with.

If you question someones intent you are questioning their identity.

Anyone that feels they can’t be themselves in the relationship will be suffering or planning an escape. Loving couples don’t want their partner to suffer, so if you want to keep your relationship this is critical to understand.

I urge you to learn about your partner. [Read more...]

Does your life feel wrong?

Are you starting to wake up and you realise that the life you have is not the life you thought you were going to get. Did you think your life was going to be different?

Maybe the problem is your money, your job, maybe it’s your relationship. Whatever the problem you now face if you want to fix it then you have to understand why you are in pain.

The formula for creating emotional pain is…

Pain in any area of life is caused when how you think it should be, does not match your perception of how it actually is. [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Women

Yesterday we spoke about helping men to be successful with their partners. Today the basic principle of putting yourself in the shoes of your partner is just as critical for her to do for him.

In other words how to understand him and why he does what he does.

One of the biggest sources of pain for most men is the inability to please, or be successful with his partner. The biggest pain for him is knowing he has failed her and he is not her source of pleasure.

Having worked with so many couples over the years I know that many women do not believe that pleasing her is his goal because she feels so dreadful when she is with him. [Read more...]