Are You And Your Partner A Team?

Do you think knowing where you are going as a couple and why is critical to you and your partner?

  • What is the purpose of your relationship?
  • Why are you together?
  • Does your relationship have a direction?

When two people choose to spend their lives together do they share their vision, their expectations their dreams. Do they help each other to plan an adventure or do they simply agree to exist?

Unless you have a shared plan you won’t have a direction if you don’t have a direction you can’t become a team. If you’re not a team what are you?

Team members agree on their direction and they work together using their unique strengths achieve their goals and enjoy a journey of all they desire.

Many people don’t plan past children and then life takes over…

When did you and I stop being us?

She sat hands clasped, lacking in confidence and underweight through worry.  I was exploring with her what their relationship was like in the first year. She was suffering from fears created by a traumatic past that needed understanding and removing, so I had invited her for a one-on-one session with me.

As she started to tell the stories of what they used to do, how they used to play together, do daft things in public, her face starting to light up and she smiled as she relived those moments where she was happy, clearly connected to her true feminine self.

As she drifted into that world that filled her with joy, startled she broke her own trance, hand over her mouth she gasped… [Read more...]

“You NEVER listen to what I say!” “That’s because you’re IMPOSSIBLE to please!”

Round and round they go pushing each others buttons, testing their love for each other, dying a little each time conflict strikes. Confused by their partners actions they either test some more which equals more conflict, or they shut down holding back their true feelings to protect the relationship.

Neither works to build a successful relationship and love turns to confusion, then to resentment and ends up with a lack of respect for each other. They blame each other, but they don’t really know what’s going on on, all they know is they are unhappy.

When the foundations of any relationship are weak, fear is then running that relationship.

What I find interesting is that when individuals enter a relationship [Read more...]

“Does he know how you really feel…?”

Many men in my sessions are surprised to discover that their partners do not communicate a large percentage of what they really feel.

Many women hold back their true feelings to protect their relationship. They know that if they communicated how they really felt their partners would not cope. These women may have usually tried communicating in the past, but their partners used emotional responses such as anger, frustration, escape to rebalance the situation. [Read more...]

How to Heal Broken Relationships

The most effective process for helping couples develop the skills to grow their relationship starts with their relationship with themselves. The couple are the foundations to the relationship and if the foundations are weak the relationship suffers.

You see if individual(s) are challenged by past events then that past will be used as one of their filters to make sense of their world. The meanings they give to their relationship will be based on that past combined with many other critical filters. Many people are not aware of these filters and how powerful they are.

Most individuals have some kind of misalignment without knowing. Society and parents teach people methods of how to destroy relationships without knowing. Individuals can come to sessions with no obvious past traumatic event, only to discover the way they experience the world is complex and unwinnable. [Read more...]

Kissing Too Many Frogs?

Finding the right person to spend your life with is so critical. Getting it wrong can cause so much heartache both for men and women.

So what happens when you keep getting proof that your relationships are not working. What do you do? How do you solve this, who do you blame?

One of my clients in her early forties had this very experience in her words “…for decades”.

Fears play a huge part in the process of getting relationships wrong so this was my instant focus for her. I knew that the fears in her were going to attract men who liked that fearful version of her.

This was a recipe for disaster so I had to help her understand how to create the right version of her so she could attract men who liked her, just the way she was, the real her – minus the fears! [Read more...]

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

Communication Rules For Relationships

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]

Are You Struggling to Forgive Your Partner

Is there something in the past in your relationship that has caused you to feel resentment towards your partner?

Have you felt that you have been treated unfairly, or you have felt betrayed in some way?

Ask yourself this… Is there a possibility that you have contributed to the situation that has caused you to feel pain and then attached these feelings of resentment to your partner.

You see, really understanding each other here is critical and most couple don’t.

Unless you can forgive your partner the chance of a happy marriage are slim.

Everyone makes mistakes it is an inevitable part of life and living together. So unless the couple understands how to forgive then the resentment can take over. Being right can in this place become far more important than understanding, love and compassion.

I know that some of you have experienced the worst betrayal of all infidelity. It really is one of the most painful discoveries any partner can experience. The hardest part for the victim of infidelity is the understanding that they in some part where also party to that journey in some way.

Please note: No one seeks out an affair if they are really happy and all their needs are being met in their relationship. It’s important to know that the potential cost of not meeting each other needs is very high.

In fact when problems strike the issue is always a needs issue for the couple, most people are not aware what their needs are let alone how to communicate them to their partners. So the couple are disabled to create success.

Most people don’t think past the pain they feel, for them it’s simple you did wrong, I feel pain, now you must pay for my pain. This single minded approach is perfect if you want to design a divorce!

The longer the couple/individuals choose not to forgive, the relationship dies a little every day. The quest of being right, or dishing out more punishment is not preventing them from doing it again, it is teaching them they are in the wrong relationship.

So make sure you understand the result you want before you decide to act.

Choosing the path to growth through being true to you is always the right choice.

So now the question is how do we become true to ourselves.

This is the knowledge that creates the path not only to happiness, but also towards life fulfilment.

  • So what do you really want? Do you want to grow or destroy your relationship?

It this has struck a chord please get in tough today!
Please click: Relationship/Marriage Coach

The Calm Before The Storm: A Message For Men – Is There A Time Bomb In Your Relationship?

Most men who have experienced problems in their relationship are usually very confused at why it seems so hard to please their partners. For him it can seem almost impossible to keep her happy. He can also feel he has put up with what he feels is her becoming over emotional, irrational and inconsistent for ages.

For him this inability to be able to please his partner is emotionally crippling, BUT he can do something to help her, but most men don’t know what to do…

If this goes on for long enough the woman will start to feel that the messages she has clearly been giving to him has not being listened to. She feels alone, ignored and insecure.

This for her can lead to depression and all sorts of physical and emotional problems putting further pressure on the relationship.

Depending on how the man has dealt with her emotional outbursts will drive her next course of action. [Read more...]

It’s like living with a boy and I want a man?

We all have a past and that past has created us to be who we are today. We use our past to learn how to live. We model our parents so we know how to react when life feels wrong, or someone has treated us badly. We learn from our parents how relationships work. We model not just them, but all those around us as we grow.

So as an adult now, were those models the right ones for you? Were your partners models the right ones?

  • You only have to look at your life now to know the answer.

I see so many people who have pasts that have helped them to create coping patterns, beliefs and ways to live that make it impossible for a growth orientated relationship to flourish.

The couple just exist, in a box they call home.

There seems to big a big dilemma over the question, has my past affected me, the answer is yes! It’s how you learnt to live and keep yourself safe. Have a think now, when life doesn’t feel good to you, and you think about what you do in that moment, who do you think you copied? Was it mum or dad? Who does your partner copy?

Some people tell themselves stories that keep them stuck, some people have beliefs that they are no good enough, or they are not worthy of love.

It’s almost like they cast a spell on themselves and it’s based on something that happened to them in the past.

These coping patterns, these stories, these limiting beliefs about who you are? Are they really true?

Some women find themselves living with a man, but he feels like a boy to her? She loves him, but her attraction for him has gone. Some men find themselves living with a woman they feel they can’t please?

Where has a man learnt how to be so needy and child like? Where has that woman learn that punishment and withholding love is her answer to more love?

Simple behaviours done in the wrong way could just be destroying the very thing you want to keep?

Is this where you are? Do you not feel safe in your relationship when you try to imagine your future?

Is your past going to be a mirror for your future or are you going to take control and make a change now!

Can you explain this…?

These are just a fraction of the messages that come into my sessions each week, and I just wonder if you can explain how these behaviours are possible, is it temporary madness? Or is there more to it, what do you think?

  • How is it possible for a man to scream out of control at his wife even though he says he loves her?
  • How is it possible for a woman to self harm when she feels scared she won’t be loved?
  • How is it possible for a woman to not say a word when her husband upsets her even if depression becomes her result?
  • How is it possible for a woman to be close to suicide after her partner leaves her?
  • How is it possible for a man to think that being right is more important than saving his marriage?
  • How is it possible for a man to run away from his relationship every time things get tough?
  • How is it possible for a man or a woman to seeminly change personality almost over night?
  • How is it possible for a man to see his wife in pain, yet make her pain all about him?
  • How is it possible for a man to punish his wife and expect her to feel more love for him?
  • How is it possible for a man to complain that he can’t bear his wife shouting at him and if it carries on he will leave, yet when I ask how often this happen he says once a year?
  • How is it possible for a woman to keep nagging knowing that it never works, but keeps on regardless?
  • How is it possible for couple to know their relationship is in trouble, but bury their heads in the sand?
  • How is it possible that woman feel so scared to become vulnerable and feminine?
  • How is it possible when problems happen sad people get sadder, depressed people get more depressed, angry people get more angry, loving people connect with others, fighters find an excuse to fight?
  • How is it possible for a man to come to sessions with me to work on his marriage yet still have an affair that he said he stopped months before?
  • How is it possible for a man to believe that money is the power in his relationship?
  • How is it possible for a woman to become so masculine?
  • How is it possible for a man to be so needy, yet controling?
  • How is it possible for a woman to fear her husband is having an affair yet he has done nothing, but love her for 20 years?

Why is it this way do you know?

The answer is simple these behaviours are learnt from the persons past and are behaviours for the most, based on fear and control. These people are trying to meet their needs, but in ways that will only hurt them.

Typical causes are past heightened emotional experiences and poor role models growing up.

Every person has a different driver and different fear, but these behaviours can be devastating for those people and those that love them.

If you are experiencing these problems then please feel free to get in touch.

Surviving a relationship break up

If you are going through a relationship break up, or you are struggling to get over a relationship, even though many months have past, it’s very likely that you will be running the same questions, thoughts or movies in your mind over and over in your head.

You might wake in the morning and just for a split second you forget what’s happened and then the horror reveals itself.

You go through the day determined it will get better, but everything seems to remind you of your ex, pulling you back to the how’s and why’s, the confusions and fears.

Some of my clients that have or are going through such traumatic times will all react differently, some get angry, some get depressed, some escape inside themselves, some leave the country. Some look for love from friends and family, some redecorate, some buy new clothes, some re-style their hair.

But whatever they do nothing seems to work! The pain doesn’t go!

You see these people are running patterns that they think will keep them safe through their pain, but it’s doesn’t work.

Many say time is a healer, but unless the individual learns from what’s happened, all time will achieve is a harder, bitter version of them ready for the next bout of pain.

Time will only heal if you know what to do with that time.

You see, break ups are usually full of negative emotional states, creating lack of confidence, self doubt, stress, depression, anger, revenge, hatred etc…

All those feelings are based on one thing… FEAR.

  • Fear of not being enough
  • Fear of not being loved

If all that comes out of a break up is a tougher you, or a depressed, or angry you then this is FEAR at play here too.

The goal in life is to remove your FEARS only then will you be truly free.

FEARS are powerful, they will create states within you that stop you living the life you were born to live. FEARS change the way you behave and so they will redesign your future if you don’t learn how to take control of them.

Fears also shut down the internal mechanisms designed to keep you safe long term. FEARS are designed to get you out of danger fast. But when you are in bed at night you are not in danger the only thing to fear is your own mind, out of control torturing you all over again.

So is fear your enemy? No the fears are designed to help you to change what you are doing and what you are thinking.

The problem is most people don’t know what to change and how to change and that’s why they stay stuck.

If you need help please get in touch because there is a way to a new freedom, confidence for you if you want it. This is not about changing you, it’s about reclaiming the real you, the wonderful you that sits inside trapped!

Is it time to… free that person within you now?!

Divorce Lawyers and Clients: A United Front

Rosemary Savage a leading Matrimonial Solicitor with thirty years experience in the field of family law and mediation and senior partner of Hampstead and Welwyn Garden City based law firm, R A Savage & Co explores the benefits of life coaching and relationship break down therapy for those faced with the inevitable psychological effects of family breakdown and separation.

“As family lawyers my colleagues and I are attuned to the fact that divorce is a time of immense stress and anxiety for those persons concerned. When faced with the turmoil and reality of separation and consequential family breakdown it often becomes apparent when a client displays the characteristics of feeling that they are losing their sense of personal identity. Clients find themselves battling the feeling of insecurity about their future and whether they will ever feel able to move on with their lives and form new relationships.

In some cases, coupled with such anxieties is the feeling of stress with having to engage with lawyers and the court process which is a daunting experience whatever a persons circumstances.

Resolution the national organisation of family lawyers of which my colleagues and I are members is committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes, and describes divorce and separation as being on the life events scale ranking above imprisonment,
retirement, redundancy and only just below the death of spouse.

When conducting a client’s case it can often initially be difficult to take instructions and advise as they will often be encountering the feeling of bereavement as a reaction to changes and the loss of either a partner and/or contact with their child/children.

When met with a client challenged by the emotional turmoil of family breakdown lawyers often have to consider whether a client is ready and/or in the right frame of mind to pursue legal proceedings or alternatively whether first of all it may be more appropriate
for a client to seek the aid of medical advice offered by their respective GP and/or counselling, life coaching, relationship breakdown therapy. The decision as to this is of course that of the client but in my experience such assistance can be invaluable and helps make the process much more manageable for the client with long term benefits.

We all at R A Savage & Co have witnessed first hand those clients who have defeated their past psychological barriers as a result of having sought the aid of life coaching and relationship breakdown therapy in particular.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of lawyers consciously exploring whether there is a need for such aids in all cases and I echo the following words from Resolution;”

“To be professional is not to, as Lawyers deny our own emotional reactions exist but rather to understand them and deal with them in such a way that our reaction with, and advice given to, our clients remains objective, constructive and truly in the client’s best
interest”.
Rosemary A Savage LL B
Proprietor of R A Savage & Co Solicitors

www.rasavage.co.uk

Testament to Life Coaching

OK I know initially I went  as I hoped to save my marriage.  Well it takes two to do that and my ex-husband wasn’t committed to doing so – the lure of the new woman was just too great!

Left with having to pick up the pieces of ‘me’ I’ve continued to see Stephen over the last 11 months, determined to get myself into a better state of mind.  I will readily admit there have been times when I’ve ‘fought’ Stephen with a passion, feeling and believing that I was right and he wrong!  I’ve had sessions cancelled by him as he wasn’t prepared to waste my money (for which I am grateful!).  I’ve argued with him and I’ve had moments of disliking the experience.  None of which sounds very positive!  But in hindsight 99% of these arguments have actually been with myself as I’ve battled to change how I view things, to take responsibility for me and to learn and understand how I can make things different for me. To learn and to realise that I needed to become my own best friend. [Read more...]

Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

The Meanings We Create For Life

Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.

Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.

Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.

This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]