Relationships hits trouble – Is the end the solution!?

When a relationship hits rocky ground and the future seems very uncertain. The couples natural reaction is to want to fight what they believe is causing the problem...

A lot of couples blame each other, so they assume that their compatibility is wrong and blame the relationship. They believe that this where their fight is, so they start the fight there. Seems logical of course, I’m not feeling good based on your behaviours so the reason we are in trouble is because of you, or we are just not a good fit.

Obvious solution, end the relationship!

That will get rid of the initial pain and open up the possibility of a far better future…however…

…It is likely that the relationship patterns will run again, and show up in the next relationship too. It’s not until individuals go through this a few times and a lot of pain, do they start to question what the real problem might be.

What if the fight is not the fault of the relationship…

…what if you think it’s the relationship and your wrong, who has to pay for that major error of judgement?

What if the behaviours in you, or your partner was driven from past events long before you met. This means it’s not the real you, or your partners’ true self, or your relationship that is the real problem! [Read more...]

Who Is My Mentor?

Have you ever wondered who has been my teacher? Who provides me with the skills to be able to help so many people and so quickly.

The truth is there is no one person, but I will share with you one man who has had a profound affect on me, my family and the messages I give to all my clients.

Unfortunately he died this year, but his wisdom will be in the minds of the millions he served over the past 50+ years.

He started his life as a farm boy at the age of 25 he was broke with a family and lost. He found a mentor who helped him discover how to create the life he wanted.

Within six years he created his first million dollars.

He went on to tell his story to help others just like you do the same, and he became the authority for major corporations across the globe.

He is one of worlds greatest Philosophers for life and business

His name is Jim Rohn and he has a gold mine of information waiting just for you… Click here

The most important lesson…

If you don’t have the life you want today, one of the most important things to change about you is your attitude. Change your attitude about your past and do it fast. If your past is anything other than a school of learnt experiences that you can grow from, then you are in for a tough ride in the future.

Yes your life may have been full of knocks, maybe you had poor parents, or no guidance, maybe your partner left you for someone else, maybe you lost your business, or you just feel unlucky…

What do you want to happen? Do you want the next 5 years to be the same as the last?

Tell me this what will you gain from thinking about how you have been wronged over and over again. Will this lead to your happiness? [Read more...]

Are You Stuck In Your Old Story?

A young lady came to me this week stuck in her past, she had become depressed because she couldn’t get over how she had been treated by her ex. He had left her for another woman and with no money. Her ex was still with the same woman 2.5 years later and was living a wonderful life and now planning a family.

Meanwhile she was stuck depressed and full of resentment for how he treated her, she wanted to forget him, but felt that she couldn’t.

She was so traumatised by what had happened she had stayed stuck for 2.5 years. Fed up of life always feeling so bad she called me. [Read more...]

One Amazing Lady & Her Journey – Unexpected Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are traumatic for everyone. What happens when the love runs so deep, that life starts to become second place. This is a story of a remarkable lady who worked with me to come out of her own personal hell to see the value of herself and regain her passion for her life all over again.

I will hand you over to her words below…

Last August I was in a dark and to be quite honest, scary place. Incredibly unhappy and feeling that life was never going to change. My husband of 17 years had suddenly walked out 18 months before. I hadn’t seen it coming at all and everything since had seemed totally surreal. My world had fallen apart and I felt totally lost. I spent most of the time in tears. I had lost the cheerful, optimistic side of me completely.

I don’t know what made me search for help again. I’d tried Counselling a year earlier, but just seemed to spend time discussing how I felt. I was too painfully aware of How I Felt – and why! [Read more...]

What “change” will positively impact your relationship

When we experience relationship problems the natural response is to focus on what is happening in the moment. So what we do is focus on the problem.

The problem is usually just a symptom of the real issue and so whilst the couple may put lots of effort into trying to sort out what they think is the problem, their problem keeps coming back, frustrating the couple to assume that they could be incompatible.

Understanding what is at the root of couples problems is harder for couples to understand. All they know is they are becoming increasingly frustrated that their relationship is not working.

So what can couples do to sort things out. To start with do not focus on your problems, because all you will get is more problems.

The solutions are not in your problems they are likely to be in your past. The combination of your pasts will be creating behaviours that equal the relationship you have today.

Do not underestimate how powerful the past can be on the meanings you are giving your relationship today. After all, our survival is all about learning what equals danger and if in the past you have been hurt in someway then that will affect you moving forward and especially if the life condition feels similar.

Relationships are complex and so treating them as if they are simple might be easy to manage, but the results could end up hurting you more.

The biggest change you can make is to get educated on how your relationship functions, and what will give you all you want and what will destroy it.

Call me today and get the answers you’ve been looking for.

Is my past effecting my future?

The simple answer is yes. The reason is because the meanings that you have given to the world you live in has created your beliefs about the world. This is why everyone is so very different.

These beliefs feel like facts and so people behave as if they are.

This really shows up in relationships. For example, if you and your partner have experienced very different childhoods then your expectation of how life and relationships should be will be very different.

The result is misunderstandings and conflict as one or both people become fearful of an uncertain future together.

Other ways your past effects you is by the life conditions you were given. For example if arguments were part of how your family dealt with problems then this will be your pattern for problem solving.

In other words what goes in is what comes out, especially when under pressure.

We run patterns of behaviour that as children worked for us at that time.

This is where the fun begins, because many people I see in my clinics are still running those patterns as adults and I don’t mean those just turning 18 I am talking 18-70+.

Now imagine how much havoc a pattern that was designed for teenager or younger to cope with their world will have on the world of an adult in a relationship with children of their own.

The problem is those that are affected are not aware of what they are doing, or how it happened. To them their reactions are normal.
It’s usually not until they have experienced enough pain in their life do they say enough is enough and go in search of help.

This is where relationship coaches like myself step in and help individuals understand the real causes behind why they do what they do and how to create new belief systems that will support a future of growth.

Relationship problems won’t stop – what do you do?

You feel stuck, on one hand you have feelings of love for what you used to have together, but you also know that every day you feel unhappy it’s getting worse and now you can’t see a future together.

You just want to get back to where you were.

Men and women will approach this situation differently, women will usually want to complain, or talk and test their partners love for them. Men will either shutdown, run, argue or just do what they’re are told (for a quiet life).

This method of fixing the relationship is usually built around punishment.

Is this you? Have you been punishing your partner to get them to change?

Consider this… When in your past have you been punished by your partner and then felt more love for them after?

I expect your answer is never!

Yes this never works, so instead of fighting or punishing convert all that energy into loving them more.

If your expectation is that you want your partner to be the best they can be for you, why not practice what you preach and be the best you can be for them first.

You are conditioned by society to punish when someone has done something wrong. In relationships it never ever works.

If in the past you feel your punishment has worked you can bet that your partner did what you wanted with a side order of attaching resentment to you.

Resentment is never far away from a lack of respect and that’s very close to the end of your relationship.

I Got The Call We All Dread

There is never a greater wake up call for life than knowing that today could be our last. As my own father sits in hospital having suffered a heart attack just 2 days ago, it is so easy to see how we always expect there to be a tomorrow.

As I drove to the hospital not knowing what that night would bring, one thing struck me hard. I was forced to imagine what life would be like without him.

It is these moments that present a shock reminder of the true value of life. It is so easy to take for granted the lives of ourselves and those we love.

One day is going to be the last day for all of us, this is a fact we all face.

As I reflect on the past 72 hours of uncertainty, there is one thing I am sure of. That is to make sure that I do not waste a single moment.

I will be the absolute best I can be in every area of my own life, for those I love and for those whom I have the privilege to meet, or work with on my own journey through life.

So today is the day I bring my father home and I feel immense gratitude to the surgeon who rushed from his home to save my fathers life. To the amazing NHS staff from the porters to the nurses to the doctors who all were the best they could be for us.

There is so much to learn from the events that life brings us.

The biggest message for myself is to value every single moment, understand what’s really important and to never stop giving.

As this will be my last post until the new year, may I take this opportunity to wish you a happy Christmas Day and to a New Year that brings you all you wish for.

Warm Wishes from…

A very thankful Stephen Hedger

Do You Self Sabotage? Let’s find out…

Why is it so many of us get into such a muddle with our lives and our relationships? The reason is, because we can self sabotage our own lives without knowing.

  • Of course there are many reason how and why we do this, but one action does stand out to cause all sorts of problems.

If you are having a bad time at the moment you may discover that you spend along time focused inwardly on your thoughts and your feelings. You focus on what’s wrong, you focus on your problems, or your feelings, or what others may be doing, or not doing that could hurt you.

You may even find you have a nagging, or aggressive voice in your head constantly working on you. Again this is more internal focus.

You may even be looking for all the ways in which your life is not the way it should be. So when you see the difference between where you are today and where you think you should be, you start to not trust your decisions. Now you can’t trust you!

  • How about if you walk past a group of people and they all start laughing. Where does your focus go, is it to what’s wrong with you (internal focus), or is on how great it is to hear people having fun (external focus).
  • How about if you ever have to speak in public, is your focus on what could go wrong (internal focus) or on making sure that those you are talking to is engaged with your words (external focus).
  • If you have ever experienced blushing one of the best ways to make yourself go as red as you can, is to focus on the fact you are going red.

Your mind will give you what you are looking for

If you spend a lot of time focused inwardly on yourself your mind has no choice but to give you what you start to look for. So if you are on a search for how to not trust your partner, then it’s very easy to find many ways.

If you look for ways in which you may not be good enough for your partner, your mind will obey and give you buckets of reasons why you are not good enough.

We are all conditioned to look for what’s wrong, we even connect with others on this level. Tell someone your problems and people will sympathise and listen to you, tell them your life is amazing and you’ll be labelled a big headed or arrogant and people will move away from you.

What’s wrong is easy to find, the challenge is to change this destructive pattern and look for what’s great in your life so your focus starts to go outside of you. What you will discover is if you practice this every day you will find so many things to be grateful for in your life.

When you do this you will start to notice your life starting to change, because you’ll start to make good decisions and you start to grow again. This is because the state of fear you were in has shifted to a state of calm and peaceful gratitude.

  • If your not growing you are standing still or dieing and neither feels great.

Persistently take control of your focus and you’ll take control of your life.

What you focus on is a choice and you can’t focus on good things and bad things at the same time, try it, it’s impossible.

  • So if that’s true I know which one I’d choose to focus on, what do you think?

Your State Is Deciding Your Future

The states you are in from moment-to-moment is what crafts your life and your destiny. Your states create how you experience the world and how others experience you. So understanding your states and how to control them is critical to everyone’s life.

Every decision and behaviour is created from the state you are in at any given moment in time. So if you are in a fear state, or angry state then you would make very different decisions than if you were in a happy or fun state.

  • Different decisions equals different futures

So what state do you spend most of your time in?

You may have discovered that being tough or angry gets people around you to do things and you like that. Or maybe you live in a depressed state because you get more love or sympathy.

Maybe you are in a negative state where you moan about the world, because this is your best way of connecting with others who also like to moan and so what you get back is a connection.

The question is this…

Is the state you are in most of the time going to give you the life you want?

Many people get stuck in certain states because by creating that state in a critical moment in their past they got something they valued which saved them from being hurt.

Maybe they felt more secure, or more loved, or more significant. Whatever their reason for getting stuck in a particular state can cause long-term problems because that person a can fear without knowing going into other states, through fear of being hurt in some way.

Most people have no idea that they are stuck, but if you were to look back at your life what consistent comments did you get from others and how do you feel inside, because there will be clues.

The biggest problem is when someone is stuck in this state, assumes that the roll of this state is to create a balance in their lives, but this is a poor illusion because this state will only be able to LIMIT them and to limit means to block other possibilities.

The result is a tired and unhappy person, because what they value most can never be achieved and so they fight to craft the world around them to fit how their life should be, but they do it from a place of fear, and no decision from that place will give them the lives they truly want.

  • Thankfully there is a solution to this so if you feel this way,
    or are you living with someone like this please get in touch today.

What Are You Going To Do Now?

The summer holidays are now coming to a close here in the UK and as you reflect on the past few months and how much has happened for you, what would you do differently if you had the chance.

It’s never too late to start to make changes to your life.

When you look around you now, and you look at everything that is in your life, is this the life that you wanted?

  • If not, why not? What’s missing? How should your life be?

You could be over weight, not have enough money, dating the wrong people, or always fighting with your partner. Whatever you are  doing, or have been practising is what has created where you are today and everything in it, and this is down to the decisions and choices you have made.

If you feel that the world is responsible for what you have not got, or you are just not lucky, or not  intelligent enough, or maybe you have not got the money you need to do what you want, then you are in what we call, learnt helplessness.

Unless you take charge of your life and take 100% responsibility for it, and that includes your relationship(s), then you will always stay where you are, feeling that either you will never be enough or feeling that the world is somehow against you.

If you know that something is not right, then know this, you have the power to change it… TODAY!

Is today the day when you say enough is enough?

What Can Relationship Coaching Do For You?

From Judges to Housewives from Business professionals even to an Ex-Vietnam Soldier, I have helped people from all walks of life make the changes they wanted in their lives.

No matter what challenge you are focused on today, or how impossible it may seem, a change for happiness is always possible. If you believe change is not possible then you will make that true as you direct your actions elsewhere and that will always equal failure.

In coaching with me I will show you how to make powerful changes that last.

How does it work

The way that coaching with me works is we will work together to uncover the truth of what is happening in your life and relationship.

This helps us because from a place of honesty we can plan the steps that will get you from where we know you are today to where you really want to be.

We’ll also uncover what you don’t yet know about you and your partner.

You will get to understand why your situation is the way it is today, and what behaviours and decisions created that direction for you.

We will uncover how you work, in other in other words what is the true key to your happiness and what will keep you down in unhappiness. With this knowledge you will know what to avoid that you don‘t know today.

  • This key part of my sessions opens up a world that clients didn’t even know existed about themselves.

Through all of this you will discover how your behaviours affect others and how to change them not only to help you to be happier, but how to create a far deeper connection than ever before with those you love.

How To Create Lasting Changes

As the coaching progresses and your confidence in how you work grows and your fears start to disappear, I will build in powerful leverage so that you will never consider going back to where you were before and the changes we are making in you are lasting.

Powerful emotions the path to results

Coaching with me as many of my past clients will agree brings out powerful emotions, because coaching challenges core belief systems. Your beliefs, values and rules you have set up without knowing is on some level is going to be hurting you.

Crying, laughing, surprise, anger these are all normal responses to coaching with me that are conducted in a safe non-judgemental 100% confidential and controlled environment. These powerful responses are indication that the coaching is working and proves how alive you really are no matter what’s going happening for you.

Clients also in the beginning experience “confusion”, this is also a great sign because a new map in your mind of how you work is being built, and that soon moves to understanding which builds more confidence, self-esteem.

Coaching tools

During your sessions you will be given specific tools that will help you manage yourself away from the coaching sessions, so you will feel confident on demand, and safe in the knowledge that when you leave coaching with me you will always know what decisions will always equal happiness for you.

Why not discover what coaching can do for you NOW, if your life and relationship just isn’t right, there is going to be a reason and a small shift in either you, or you and your partner can make a massive difference to your future.

Remember no action is a choice too, that will always get you nothing or even more of what you have today!

Make a different choice today… Don’t imagine spending the next 5 years like this…

Call me..!

How To Cope With A Break-up

If you are suffering from the effects of a relationship split and want to know how to cope with a break-up then this may help you.  At the end of this piece I have a quick tip on how to control your feelings.

Most break-ups happen due to confusion of what the individuals are feeling and what it really means. They feel bad, attach those feelings to the relationships and so the relationship dies.

Many people who have asked for a divorce have regretted it later, because the feeling they attach to the relationships goes away when they are apart, and they are left with no good reason to be apart, unfortunately most of the time it’s too late.

Understanding your break-up

Those that come to me through coaching on how to cope with break-ups, get to understand in detail, why their break-up happened and this helps them to understand if the break-up happened for the right or wrong reasons.

This empowers them to know what actions to take. Could be to fix the relationship they were in, or walk away sound in the knowledge that what happened, happened for good reason.

Having said all this logical stuff, that still leaves you with feelings that are probably making you feel bad.

Understanding why you feel bad

These feeling are as a direct result of where your mind is focused.

What no one ever teaches us is that we can direct our mind to something else. The reason we don’t believe this is because not only is our reaction automatic, but if you have ever tried to get rid of a bad feeling it always comes back.

This happens because you are conditioned to focus on everything that is bad, society has taught you how to do this. What society has not taught you is there is another choice, and you can choose what to feel.

Removing the break up pain tip

The fact is this, not being with your ex-partner is not what you are upset about, even though you think it is, it’s the focus you have put on that break up and the meaning you have given to it is what‘s causing you pain.

So are you focused on all the past memories, or the future you designed, or maybe both?

With practice you can learn how to focus your mind to more pleasurable things by making the break-up a good thing.

  • Please note: Before you do this please be 100% sure you want this person out of your life.

Make a list of everything that was not right with your ex-relationship and with each thing you find really focus on how bad each thing was and how over time it would have become 100 times worse as they became used to you. Notice if this happened how miserable you would have been and keep their face in your mind as you imagine this life of growing hell year after year after year.

When you have completed your list then write about all the great opportunities you now have that being with your ex stopped you doing.

Now start to design the life you really want, and this time keep your focus on who you have to be, to be able to attract the person you really want.

Important: This is your chance…

And now show yourself gratitude for giving yourself a real chance of being really happy with someone who will stop at nothing to make sure you are 100% secure in the relationship, someone who will give your relationship passion, adventure and fun, whilst making you the most important thing in their world.

They will show you a love you have never felt before and they will serve your relationship tirelessly to help it and you grow into the person you have always wanted to be, constantly giving to you and never asking for anything in return.

They will do this because they know this is the only route to unconditional love the one thing you have always dreams of and thought you were only safe to have with your children.

My Greatest Pleasure

One of the greatest pleasures I have in coaching people through their problems is knowing that what I do is having a massive impact on their lives.

One lady who came to me a few weeks ago was having real problems with her life and relationship, but before we could focus on her relationship I had to start by helping her to build up her confidence in herself, by understanding how she works in detail.

We did this so she could know the journey she took to get to where she was a few weeks back. With this new understanding of how she works she is now empowered to take back control of her life direction which has now freed her to be happy to get the life she really wants.

She was shocked to discover that she had been holding on to a part of her past that had held her back for 35 years without her even knowing.

This is what she said

For obvious reasons she wanted to remain anonymous.

I first came to see Stephen feeling extremely low and lost, Stephen in a couple of weeks has shown me that by changing my minds state I can free myself of the fear i have been carrying around with me for nearly 35 years, I am now starting for the first time in my life to see things differently, I thought I was a hard nut to crack and there was no hope for me, Stephan has been Kind, Sincere and Honest and I would not hesitate to recommend him anyone.
Anon South London


Anyone can make a big change just like this lady. Problems are never permanent, and with the right focus a new world can be opened up and a new energy can be directed into the life you really want.

  • The only thing standing between a life and relationship you really want, is you

Is Your Past Affecting Your Relationship Today?

Past relationship problems can have a profound affect on your relationship today, so much so they can change your future and the partners you choose.

  • A simple example we can all spot: A victim of an affair could develop a problem with trusting future partners. These kind of past issues are easy to spot and with the right help can be changed.

What about past experiences we are not aware of..?

The real struggle happens is when complex past experiences have an effect on your relationships today. For example if a woman today is very masculine in her approach to relationships and her life. What kind of man do you think she would attract.

What kind of relationship would she have and how would this dynamic in her affect her children?

This is an example of the past affecting her future that’s powerful enough for her to change her personality from female to male dominated, but how does this happen?

She made a decision…

At some point in her life she made a decision to become more masculine subconsciously, she may have decided to do this because she was under threat, or she needed to get strong, but some life event created that version of her, she was not born with it.

When she made a decision to live her life in this way, what she did was to shut down many others parts of her true self, because if she allowed these feminine parts out she maybe under threat again.

The world has moved on, but she is stuck

The problem she now faces is her life circumstances have changed since she made that decision, and she no longer needs to protect herself in the same way. Her protection pattern is outdated and no longer needed, but she runs it as if she is still under threat.

Living in this version of herself  could create signs of unhappiness or depression with her because her true values are not being met buy this distorted version of her.

Is there an outdated version of you running your life? Do you live in fear? Are you exhausted?

  • One of the session I run is called a Journey of Self-Discovery and it is designed to uncover these choices we may have set-up without knowing.
    It is designed to align you with your true-self so your decisions are no longer made from a perspective of fear, but from the clear knowledge that your choice will create a future of happiness.

If you are interested please let me know… Contact me

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?