She 100% wanted a divorce UNTIL she learnt this…

So when a person has spent years suffering in a marriage it stands to reason that leaving that marriage is the correct decision.

Well… the answer to this is not always.

There are certain situations where someone can make a decision to leave their marriage and discover later they have made a terrible mistake and will have to live with that regret forever.

For those that have children, they can then suffer from terrible guilt.

My regular readers know I’m not a fan of blindly fixing all relationships because some people really shouldn’t be together…

…BUT I am a huge fan of helping people discover their truth.

So the story you are about to read can relate to many of my past clients, to help you to see what I saw I’m going to share one particular story.

A lady married with small children had decided her marriage was over and told me so in the first session whilst her husband sat helplessly looking at the floor. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

“I don’t have a voice in my relationship”

I see many couples where one person has kept quiet about their own personal suffering in their marriage and it’s devastating for the marriage and can lead the couple into crisis.

  • I see men that say nothing because for him a problem shared is a problem doubled.
  • I see women who once tried to be open with their husband only to discover she’s not emotionally safe when she does.
  • I see individuals that have no voice in their marriage because they have lost connection with themselves.
  • I see people who don’t know how to verbalise their real needs so they suffer in silence.
  • I see people who have had traumatic pasts and they lock those pasts away but still suffer the effects in silence.
  • I see people who have experienced affairs that no longer talk about it but it’s still alive in their marriage years later.
  • I see so many people who don’t say a word because they feel there is no point, some had learnt to keep quiet as children and some learnt it in the marriage.

Here are some REAL LIFE examples of silence leading to a crisis: [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]

What is really causing your relationship problems?

When couples try to solve their relationship problems most will notice they will either be making them worse or some will try to bury them as a means to move on and stay together.

What I see is people doing their best to get to a good place but without really understanding the structure of their problem and what is really blocking their success.

The key to helping a couple reconnect regardless of their situation is to help them see the structure of their problems so they are armed to work together as a team to battle their problems rather than each other.

The first mission is stopping the couple making their problem worse.

By understanding the core structure of the problem and learning the tools to navigate their way out of their issues the couple can avoid solving the wrong problems. [Read more...]

He filed for divorce totally unaware of the truth

In November 2016 he told me he was done – this was his first and last meeting with me and he was going to file for divorce. He was fed up with years of her being negative and controlling of him and everything around her.

He said he loved who she was when they first met but over the years and after a first child she had changed and he was now unable to stay with her.

He told me the relationship had been so difficult for him he felt he had no choice but to seek love elsewhere.

So he created a secret relationship with another woman and stayed with his wife not wanting to leave his child. It was his way of staying with the family but he was now at the end and needed to move on. [Read more...]

Should she leave him?

How many people feel real physical and emotional pain through their relationship and use that message to leave their marriage?

Naturally, it makes total sense for anyone to leave a relationship that’s full of pain.

So if it keeps being painful then obviously the relationship is the problem so leaving it will stop the pain – right?

Well, I helped this lady learn that she would be safer if she took a deeper look.

[Read more...]

How to solve marriage problems!

The answer to this question is you must find a way to see your problems in solvable terms. Many people are looking at their relationship problems as impossible to solve and it’s this thinking that helps them give up or break a relationship that could have worked.

If you are a regular reader you will know I don’t think all marriages can or should be saved. What couples in trouble should do is become curious to understand the root of their marriage problems so they don’t make a mistake they’ll regret.

Below are some brief situations that looked impossible to solve until they really understood what was happening and what to do about it.  [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Relationships suffer without this…

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships. As I watch couple after couple go through my programs I see really lovely people who despite doing their best are living their own personal hell.

All these people have made themselves incompatible without meaning to. They never set out to harm their marriage, but the marriage is breaking down and they are suffering not knowing what to do.

Some try to bury their heads, some keep trying and inevitably some become so emotionally empty they can give up through exhaustion.

The paths to relationship trauma are varied, so the solution for each couple has to be different however the goal/destination for all these couples is the same. [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

What Really Saves a Couple from Divorcing?

When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.

At the start of the process:

  • They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
  • They have spent years going round in circles.
  • The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
  • They were exhausted.

I see this as a normal start.

  • What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.

What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship. [Read more...]

I’m stuck – I love my wife but the intimacy is dead

Many people are suffering in their relationships because they have become stuck. Some people know they are stuck some are not aware at all and can fight to stay stuck.

  • Some people are stuck because the passion has died.
  • Some people are stuck not sure if they are in the right relationship.
  • Some people are suck in a destructive fixed identity pattern.
  • Some people are stuck in a problem that designed to mask a deeper problem.

People for many reasons can become stuck they know they are unhappy but are scared to make a change so they are paralysed in a life that doesn’t work.

The key to helping someone breakthrough their feeling stuck problem is to reconnect them to an honest bigger picture and themselves minus their fears. [Read more...]

Masculine Women in Relationships

When a couple comes to see me it’s highly likely they have been suffering for a while so I do expect both people to have lost sight of who they really are in their marriage.

One of the challenges I see again an again is when a woman has taken on a masculine energy and it’s destructive for both people.

To be clear men can play a significant role in women becoming masculine, but that will not be covered in this post.

Masculine energy for women can be very useful for her or it can be destructive without her knowing.

Masculine energy can be useful so she can protect and stand up for herself and her children. It can be useful in business. I know and admire many very powerful women in business.  [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

“Problem Partners” Uncovering the mask

Many couples struggle when one person starts to develop a personal problem of some kind. They struggle because the relationship cannot grow because of their problem and in many cases, it’s been dying for years because of this problem.

In today’s post, I’m going to talk about some of those problems I see and what could be going on for them and their marriage.

Last year I saw a lady who was depressed. After spending time with her I discovered her depression was designed to mask a deeper challenge for her.

She was afraid to open up in a relationship and so remained closed as a means to protect herself using depression (something she could create) as the problem everyone could see and focus on.

By helping her understand how the depression was created and how to be safe in a relationship she now has her life back.

A gentleman came reluctantly came to see me with his wife. [Read more...]

“We both want our marriage to work – BUT it’s getting worse please help us”

“I never thought he would leave me.” “I can’t believe she just left” “I never knew things were this bad” These are the real messages I hear from people who ignored their partners cries for help and regretted it.

What couples who are struggling are not connecting with is they are in step-by-step process and if they take action now they can stop a marital disaster.

Today I’m going to help you understand it’s important to learn where you are so you can get real about your relationship and do something about it.

Below are the stages couples are going through without knowing. It’s important to understand where each of you is in this process.

Stage 1: Attraction – Love being together

Stage 2: Resistance – Problems starting to surface

Stage 3: Resentment – Problems not resolved

Stage 4: Detachment – Emotion protection

Stage 5: Decision – Position designed to take back control

Stage 6: Separation – Physical separation/Divorce [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

“My marriage is over!”

I was sat with a lady a few months ago she was telling me that her marriage had run its course. She said it’s sad but these things happen.

When I asked her how she knew this was true she told me her feelings had changed and she was no longer attracted to her husband.

So I asked her “what created your feelings?”

She looked blankly at me.

It’s an important question. If someone is going to break up a 12-year marriage and upset children with a life-changing decision for everyone isn’t it important to understand?

Exactly how were her feelings created? [Read more...]

Why do people leave their marriages?

When you start to understand the real reasons why people leave marriages then you can start to create the solutions that work.

Affairs, money problems, boredom, power struggles, loss of love, loss of passion, loss of trust these are all symptoms of the real problem.

I see so many couples who have suffered for years with each other and within a short space of time have successfully reconnected. Their problems are diverse and their solutions were all different, but they all had the same deep-rooted problems.

What’s the hidden problem?

What is it that’s causing us so much pain and disconnection? Do people just naturally fall out of love or is there more to this than meets the eye? [Read more...]