Number one problem that all couples face – BUT they don’t know!

In todays post I want to share with you something that is really important if your relationship is struggling or on the edge of divorce.

So week after week I sit with couples in all manner of crisis. Affairs, loss of love, power struggles, communication problems to name a few.

These situations are always complex in terms of how they have been generated, this means the couples are creating their very own unique path to crisis.

What’s simple to see is the trends all couples are doing.

One of my observations is people in or on the road to crisis stop being who they really are when they are with their partner. [Read more...]

Change the patterns of behaviour that are hurting your relationship

We all have behaviour patterns that help us lead efficient lives. We don’t want to think about which shoe we always put on first. BUT… What we do need to look at is the habitual patterns we have that are damaging our lives and our relationships.

Many people are totally unaware of how their actions are leading themselves to an unhappy place. With some basic knowledge of what’s really going on they can develop new and powerful skills that can grow both themselves and their relationships.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed once you know why it’s there. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought and will defend it. [Read more...]

7 Popular Posts on StephenHedger.com

At least once per year I like to highlight popular posts for new readers and remind long-term readers of important messages that are easy to forget. 

There is no question that relationships are complicated, this is why I have committed to help people across the globe with my perspective on relationships through this free blog.

My unique perspective comes from spending most of my week with couples in crisis on the brink of divorce. [Read more...]

20 Relationship Facts Most People Don’t Know Are Damaging

Below is a list of challenges many people are not aware of that can have a profound affect on the quality of their relationship. It’s not in any kind of order so I wonder how many you are aware of.

1. If you protect yourself from the person you married the love will slowly die, this because you can’t love your partner and protect yourself from them at the same time.

2. Many women criticise their husbands because they think their husband will hear them and change. Criticism for men creates emotional distance from their wife, not a desire to change in the way she wants.

3. When women in relationships enter rage at their husbands they can communicate every wrong (in her mind) he has ever done, she can put it in the most hurtful way and not let it go. Men hear this this as an attack he has to protect himself from. [Read more...]

Losing your identity in a marriage

Losing who you are is a very common problem especially for couples who spend extended time struggling to deal with their ongoing disconnection.

Many people can find they have lost a sense of who they are because over the years they have bent themselves out of shape to try to either please their partner, or be who they they think their partner wants them to be.

I see so many people who have lost who they are in their marriage and this can be devastating for this person and their partner as the relationship is starved of what it really needs to survive.

People who lose who they are suffer greatly.

Losing your essence is emotionally exhausting because whichever way they turn life can feel wrong this can be very frightening for that person. [Read more...]

7 reasons why so many couples are heading towards divorce

The following list is typically what I see is missing from the couples I meet in my sessions everyday who are at crisis-point and are looking for answers or a safer direction.

Their challenges can range from loss-of-love to affairs, from discovery of escort services to family issues, from loss of trust to power struggles.

You name it and i’ve seen it!

What’s interesting is these couples are all very unique, they are all driven differently and operate very different value systems and they all naturally have very unique childhoods.

Given these differences every couple has to have from me a very different approach to help them gain the answers they require, but the core practices listed below that help maintain healthy relationships are not present in a large percentage of these couples.

So I thought it might be worth while expanding on these points so you can take a look at how many of these are present or not in your relationship. [Read more...]

“My partner doesn’t want to attend couples counselling – what do I do?”

What do you do when one person is desperate to get professional help and the other person will not go? I know for many this situation is so frustrating because they feel so stuck. 

Far too many people wait until they are on the edge of divorce before they are willing to seek help and this causes them significant stress that could have been avoided.

Fortunately there is a solution to help you be heard…

Before i jump into this post I wanted to give you two pieces of news.

  1. The better relationship program offer ends in 6 days – please hurry I only offer this program twice per year. Click here to attend
  2. I have now opened my home in Oxfordshire for couples to spend time with me in addition to my Harley Street office.

In todays post I thought it might be useful to expand on this topic of a partner blocking attending counselling, because I hear this so many times.

There are many reasons that can sit behind this specific problem. [Read more...]

“Cloe said to me…”

I was at home catching up with Cloe (for new subscribers Cloe is my beautiful wife) about another couple who I’ve helped through a very traumatic breakdown in their marriage caused by infidelity – they asked for something really interesting…

***Before I continue with this story I do have an offer at the end of the post. It’s an offer I run twice per year only.***

So back to this couple – with a young family at stake I really wanted to support them to find their truth as they were so close to the edge of divorce.

(Infidelity is one of those situation where unless the couple successfully deal with what’s happened the resentment can linger for years later – slowly eating away at the marriage.) [Read more...]

“I dread coming home”

One of the most challenging feelings for any person in an intimate relationship is the dread of what you know or think you know is going to happen on the other side of your front door, night after night.

Or maybe you’re the person dreading your partner coming home, your heart sinks as the the key goes in the front door and your peace is about to end – so the armour has to go on.

So many people have this life sapping experience and many will find ways to not come home (work longer hours) or they will find things to do without their partner (escape in some way).

As you read through todays post I will share the number one action a person can take that can lead their relationship to severe disconnection and make this situation far worse. [Read more...]

Are the MEANINGS YOU are putting to your partners behaviours killing your relationship?

I see so many coupes in conflict over one thing, there is a continuous giant misunderstanding of each other and they are both guilty of not seeing it.

What’s very sad is this misunderstanding is widespread and is crippling couples and destroying families everywhere as they wrongly assume their relationship can’t work.

Growing up I can’t ever remember being given any information around the staggering differences between men and women and this was setting me up for failure and a lot of pain. [Read more...]

Too many people regret divorcing once the dust has settled

What do you do when a spouse is convinced the marriage is over? Unfortunately for many couples they are unaware of how much havoc their minds can play with their thoughts as they struggle to make sense of their marital crisis. 

So I thought it worthwhile to expand this topic to help you either avoid this, or take action if divorce is on your mind.

I see a good volume of couples that have split up prior to seeing me and months / years later come to my session needing help to understand what happened and how can they ensure it doesn’t happen again.

When we experience relationship problems of course our feelings are real, but the meanings we put to them are not going to be as factual as we might think. A study was conducted and it revealed that at least 50% of people that chose to divorce [Read more...]

Passionless Marriage: “Sex life dying – want to know why?”

One of the most common problems couples face is loss of passion. If you are in a passionless marriage then I’m going to share the most common causes and what to do about it.

When I see couples in this place I know I have to help them generate a new dynamic that reconnects them. They need to understand two things, what’s really been killing the passion and they need to learn the tools that will keep their passion alive in the future.

So lets look at a common end result.

If the wife becomes the man in her relationship it’s a sure-fire way to make her struggle to see the point in him. If the husband feels that no matter what he does she’s never happy with him, with no solution available to him, he can give up.

These types of situations results in one or both people feeling emotionally unsafe in the relationship. [Read more...]

Marriage in Crisis? Has your partner fallen out of love with you and you want to save your relationship? Learn the steps to helping them fall back in love with you again.

Todays post is a combination of what to do and what not to do if you want to save your relationship.

The first action a couple has to take to see if it’s possible to rebuild their relationship is to take the pressure out of the situation.

When one person has moved emotionally out of the relationship their partner is likely to be taking actions they hope will bring them back in, most people fail at this because their strategy doesn’t honour their partners feelings which are powerful and very real.

These are some typical behaviours people are using that don’t work [Read more...]

Helping men understand their wives

A significant problem that is presented to me over and over again is the very obvious disconnect between men and women and their interpretation of each others behaviours in their marriage.

It’s like men and women speak a totally different language in an intimate relationship. I see couple after couple present the wrong interpretations of what’s really been going in their marriage to me in their session.

This incorrect interpretation will trigger a series of mechanisms designed to detach that person from their partner. When practiced over time that person can become detached or numb for the wrong reasons.

Past problems such as childhood trauma can accelerate this detachment process. [Read more...]

We just can’t seem to communicate

One of the biggest obstacles to a successful marriage I see over and over again is the inability to communicate effectively. Communication problems are significant blocks for lasting passion and intimacy, so this one is a must to learn.

Without a doubt men and women confuse each other constantly and this causes so much suffering. As you scan through this post I wonder what you will start to experience as you think about your relationship?

There is a very famous story in my world I want to share with you first, but I can’t remember where I heard it.

“A man is driving on a motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. She sees a sign that says motorway services 1 mile. She turns to her husband and says….

“… are you hungry darling?”

He responds with a direct “NO!” and then without a word he drives past the services. [Read more...]

She was convinced her marriage was over and so she left her husband

When couples share their stories of working with other professionals with me I am always struggling to hear through their approach, where is the critical breakthrough that will enable that couple to experience a new truth in their marriage?

This particular couple came because they were getting nowhere and needed a fresh and constructive approach.

It’s key to enable a shift in a couple the couple breakthrough their own fears, their limiting beliefs, their old patterns of how marriages should work so they can start to feel free to be themselves in their own marriage.

When a couple is challenged on all aspects of their marriage from a perspective of genuine care for a safe outcome, that couple will find through key strategic shifts new ways to see their marriage totally differently. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you?”

For the person on the receiving end of this statement it’s both upsetting and confusing. So what does this mean and can the relationship recover or be rebuilt from this position.

The first question is what does this really mean?

How I describe this sentence “I love you, but I’m not in love with you?”. The person saying this is accurately describing their feelings.

For example when they look back at their time together there was probably many moments that were filled with love.  When they met, their wedding, the birth of their children, some might connect with love because their partner was part of making our beautiful children. [Read more...]

When the survival brain takes over a relationship

What any couple will notice when their relationship breaks down is their energy is usually focused on themselves and what they are not getting. 

This of course is the total reverse of what they were doing when they first met.

A person in a relationship that’s not working can automatically gravitate to a negative focus.

The challenge with this person is they are so consumed by what’s wrong, they are unaware they are deleting everything that’s good.

The good is still there it’s just the person is no longer seeing it, or wanting to connect to it.

This phenomena is designed by nature and it’s one of our survival mechanisms. I’ll explain… [Read more...]

Performance Coaching for Couples

Many couples are attracted to Performance Coaching strategies to rebuild their marriage because they are interested in learning a forward thinking strategy and tools that enables them to see how they can get themselves out of a horribly painful situation and into a connected and happier passionate relationship.

At the end of this post is two examples of couples that were horribly stuck, one lady wouldn’t have sex with her husband and the other couple with divorce on the cards due to significant emotional disconnection and an addiction to looking at other females in front of his wife.

Couples are asking for easy steps that will help them get out of their own personal hell, they don’t want to rake over their past, discuss what happened in their childhood or spend week after week focused on their problem they know will make them feel bad.

They want to see a path, they want to feel hopeful, they want to know what to do and they want to know if they put all this effort in will it work? [Read more...]

Unhappy marriage: Communication problems? Going round in circles? Then this is for you…

Todays communication is really important to understand because the message you’ll receive is a significant bridge that helps couples maintain attraction which is critical.

Have you ever spoken to your partner and felt they understood what you said only to watch them behave in ways that prove they didn’t?

Do you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall as you struggle to be heard or understood?

Are you starting to feel that communication is impossible with your partner and there is no point in speaking.

Circular conflicts are very common in relationships because couples are not aware of what their partner is hearing or feeling, when they are speaking.

Many people helping couples in these types of situations teach something called “active listening” which means the person is 100% present with what the other person is saying. They are not distracted by what they want to say next, or by something else.

Active listening is very valuable, but…

…what if what’s being said is not the real problem?

This is a very common problem. [Read more...]