Help Advice Support & Guidance
If a person has a life without a planned direction or purpose then what should that person should expect from their life?
What would happen to the couple without direction or life purpose, they get married and don’t plan their journey through life? What should they expect from their life together?
The secret to success in this world is simple, you have to work out where you can add value and plan to add lots of value to whatever is important to you. [Read more...]
She told him the marriage was over, she had lost all feelings for him. He knew there were problems, but was totally shocked at her sudden desire to want to end the marriage.
They had a child together and torn with what to do, they sought help. She was convinced the marriage was over, but driven by guilt she felt she owed it to her son to try one last time. Her efforts however seemed half hearted as she shifted between, resigned, cold and sad almost at the same time.
He came to me on his own initially, he wanted the very best service I could offer to help them. He didn’t believe the marriage was over and he told me he would throw all he could at saving his family.
I explained to him that I do run intensive programs for Marriages in Crisis [Read more...]
Over the next few weeks I will be sharing important information that has helped many marriages come back from the edge of divorce. So please email your friends share this page and next week we will get started.
Why is this information important?
There is no formal education open to the public on how to build successful relationships. This has proved to be devastating for couples who marry expecting their love to last.
They don’t know how their love was created. So when the inevitable problems arise they don’t know how to grow closer through their problems so they pull love away to protect themselves. It’s not long before the couple have lost the focus that created their passion and they are now focused on what’s wrong and their problems.
This is disaster for any relationship. [Read more...]
If you knew there were simple steps to becoming successful in the areas of life that are important to you wouldn’t you want to know what those steps were?
Within every person that comes for help I am looking for ways in which I can help them discover their strengths. Powerful parts of themselves they have hidden without knowing.
I believe there is a key to everyones inner strength something that will create the desire within them to take action and to claim the life that will equal fulfillment for them.
We all have strengths and yet months or years of battling with life, careers, relationships, children and even ourselves can wear us down. [Read more...]
Who Have I Become?
This is a significant worry that just prolongs the agony of staying in a relationship that feels wrong.
I also see too many people regret their decision to leave their partner, so if you are unsure please find out.
Too many people find that the solution of leaving is very painful so some short term effort could avoid that long-term pain. [Read more...]
Relationships and depression is a very challenging combination for any couple because depression creates the behaviors within the person that stops them giving the relationship the fuel it needs to survive.
One question we could ask is what caused the depression, and one of the answers of course could be the relationship is the problem. [Read more...]
Many relationships are dying long before the couple realise there is a real problem.
Some people will bury their heads in the sand and do nothing hoping that any problems they have will just go away and some will start a search.
So what is the danger sign that you need to look out for? What is the one thing that’s guaranteed to accelerate your problems?
Many people are watching their partners every move, or watching what their partner says and does. They start to piece together all the things that are wrong in their relationship and they find more and more things that could equal their partners don’t love them or care enough.
So as these people start their search what should they be looking out for? [Read more...]
Couples with problems all suffer from the same basic challenge. You see if a marriage is to survive then the focus of the individuals has to change.
Take a moment and think about the type of relationship that equals the one that you really want, the one that will fill you up, the one that will help you to feel all those emotions you long for.
Now ask yourself another question, who do I have to be to attract that relationship into my life?
Many people are disappointed with the way their partner behaves. [Read more...]
Do you think knowing where you are going as a couple and why is critical to you and your partner?
When two people choose to spend their lives together do they share their vision, their expectations their dreams. Do they help each other to plan an adventure or do they simply agree to exist?
Unless you have a shared plan you won’t have a direction if you don’t have a direction you can’t become a team. If you’re not a team what are you?
Team members agree on their direction and they work together using their unique strengths achieve their goals and enjoy a journey of all they desire.
Many people don’t plan past children and then life takes over…
Today’s post is highly relevant to married couples as well as for single people looking for love. It is important because creating attraction is critical no matter what relationship phase you are in.
The pitfall that most people fall into in the early stages of their relationship is they naturally give to their partner what they think they themselves would like.
The problem the couple now face is they are very likely to want to please each other, but they could be turning each other off without knowing. People who are dating end up losing partners that are potentially good for them and married couples end up fulfilling their emotional needs outside the relationship. [Read more...]
Knowing how to date in a way that protects you is critical. I have seen so many married couples in trauma it’s easy to see why when you explore how they dated.
What was the foundation of their relationship and how has it affected their dynamics?
If you want to get the best out of your dating then learn from those who have got it wrong. Discover what they did wrong and do the opposite. Today I will cover one aspect of dating that is key if the goal is to find a long-term partner.
If you speak to couples in trauma what you would discover is what initially attracted them to their partners is no longer attractive and is one of the main causes of their break up. [Read more...]
I agree that many of you may find some of what I teach to build successful relationships goes against the grain of what you have believed and have been taught historically.
Putting your partner first, not making them wrong, giving love unconditionally can seem impossible but….
…is the challenge you face to protect what you have always done, or is it to discover new ways grow the passion back into your relationship? [Read more...]
As soon as the relationship becomes all about “ME” the relationship is over. As soon as the person is pointing the finger at their partner blaming them for all the problems because of what they are not getting, it’s all over. You may still be together in a house, but you are migrating towards problems.
You see a relationship is about ‘giving’ not ‘taking’ when a couple consistently gives to each other in the way they need the relationship will grow. If they constantly take naturally the relationship will become empty and so dies. [Read more...]
The most natural thing to do when life seems to be going wrong is to feel consumed by all your problems. You could talk to others about your problems, play them over and over in your mind. It could be that when life goes wrong you have learnt that worry is what you do, maybe mum was a worrier, or dad didn’t trust people.
Whatever you do when things go wrong is learnt, but there is an outcome that worry creates as the natural laws of life come into play.
People that are conditioned to be negative and sceptical certainly have their place. For example [Read more...]
My belief is within every person there is an amazing person screaming to get out and you are no exception. You have the ability to have and create the life you really want.
If there are people out there that have what you want, all that’s happened is they have used their time differently to you. Successful people generally use their 24 hours very differently to those that are not.
Many people go for fame and money and then commit suicide, that’s because they were not fulfilled in their lives. Money doesn’t make people happy believe me. I meet unhappy yet very wealthy people every day. [Read more...]
When couples have experienced problems for a long time they get into patterns of thought and patterns of behaviour within their relationship which to them feels normal.
These patterns can be destructive without the person knowing and so what to them is keeping them safe may actually be destroying their relationship.
My job is to understand and break their patterns from destructive to growth orientated.
Pattern interrupts are the core of what works in all therapies. However their method of how to interrupt a persons habitual thought process/patterns is varied. Some methods take years some take months some take weeks some happen in one session.
How long a person or couple wants to take to make changes is up to them. Some people want the process to take time, some people like months/years of therapy.
What I wanted and has become my life mission was to find a way to help couples quickly, couples in crisis don’t have much time because their relationship is already on the edge of divorce/break-up.
Award Winning Master family therapists and the top coaches in the world have discovered that significant changes does not have to takes years or months it can actually happen in just a few sessions, sometimes it can happen in just one session.
What they discovered is changing the face of how we help individuals and couples to live happier and more fulfilled lives. They changed how I worked and 80% of couples in my practice make significant changes very quickly.
Of course not all couples fixed their relationships (20% on average don’t get fixed), but the reason were simple, when an individual has no desire to change and their partner is the one that has to change for them to feel ok then the couple will continue to struggle. Also some people either have totally different life goals, or they really just are incompatible. So in some cases separation is the right move.
The core goal is not to fix the relationship at any cost. Happiness and fulfilment has to be the ultimate result, together or apart.
Firstly the person has to want to make changes. You cannot force a person to want to change.
People are usually focused to make changes when the threshold of pain becomes too much and they feel they have no choice.
Many couples in crisis give up with each other replacing love with resentment and a lack of respect.
When they come for sessions with me I help them understand there is more they can do to rebuild their relationship than they have been aware of. I help them understand the differences between the sexes the importance of core needs and values. How to grow together and work as a team when problems strike their relationship.
This helps the couple to understand that maybe there is hope because this a new approach that will actually meets their core needs and help them to be successful.
The next step is to interrupt the patterns that have destroyed their relationship and replaced those patterns with something far more appealing that meets their needs at the deepest levels.
For example: A man may be driven by significance. When they argue he feels he is significant when he is always right, this works for him in his career. His intent and desire is to feel important and strong for her. I help him see that trying to win arguments actually makes him insignificant in her eyes because she feels bullied and controlled not loved.
If he was to look after her in the way she really needed then she would stop at nothing to help him feel strong and important as the real man in her life.
Simple changes massive results for them both…
Yesterday I wrote about how the meanings we give to situations shape our lives today. So to expand on that we are going to look at the foundation that creates those meanings.
Our focus of thought is the foundation of our life experiences. Without a conscious direction of thought most people minds automatically focus on their fears, or what’s wrong.
The mind is designed for automatic processing of thought so we can quickly understand if we are safe or not. The problems come when we use this automatic thought to design our lives…
If our focus is the foundation of our meaning then most people will live in fear. This fear is brought to life and maginfied by the person as they feel more and more out of control of their life. [Read more...]
Today I’m going to share with you one of the most profound distinctions i discovered when learning about how to build a successful life. My question was how do we take control of what happen to our lives, what’s the foundation to building a successful relationship, becoming successful in our careers and discovering our true purpose in life.
The answer I discovered is we need to make it our mission to master our understanding of our own internal worlds.
We are conditioned to believe and accept that our outside world is the driver for what we become and what happens in our lives.
This is an illusion that keeps us stuck, because if we feel our outside world has the power to help us feel a certain way then we are powerless within it. I will explain why… [Read more...]
This is a question that I get asked almost every day… “are we compatible?” When relationships go wrong it’s the most obvious question. People worry “Maybe the relationship happened too fast, maybe we had children too quickly?”
It’s true that many people rush into relationships without thought.
Most people go into relationships based on a combination of key factors such as it was easy geographically i.e we worked together or live in the same town. [Read more...]
Fulfilling relationships are born from the knowledge of what has to happen for you to create your journey of success together. If that knowledge then forms your focus and your actions it will then become a part of who you are.
Your relationship then has a chance of growth through contribution of what really works.
The two individuals in the relationship are the foundations that support the relationship and so if the foundations are weak then the relationship either will suffer or cannot survive. [Read more...]
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
