Why divorce is not the right solution for many couples

Couples being forced to be together 24/7 during this difficult time will create stress for many because it will magnify what’s wrong in their marriage.

Those that understand their marriage won’t suffer and will find an opportunity during this unusual time. Sadly many will suffer and this can lead them to extreme decisions – a surge of divorces’ is predicted.

My question as I see so many recoveries from the edge of divorce is this: Is divorce the solution people think it will be?

It’s true for some couples divorce is the right decision, but for so many who do end up regretting their divorce, all they were missing was a better understanding of what they were not unaware of.

You see so many people were missing the real reason why they are disconnected and not understanding this only creates more suffering in the long run – for many they end up suffering all over again with someone new.

I remember one lady who came to see me she was 60 years of age and was just about to divorce her third husband.  [Read more...]

3 Steps to Emotionally Reset & Build the Life YOU want

Mark Twain — ‘I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.’

Many years ago I came across this quote and it had a profound effect. It got me thinking about areas of our life that create stress, anxiety and worry.

With many of us being forced to stay at home and spend more time together many relationships will start to suffer so this is important to become curious about.

A common problem I see in my sessions is people suffer from two distinct fears.

  • They fear they are not enough.
  • They fear they won’t be loved.

These two fears can lead a person into practising unhelpful survival based behaviours.  [Read more...]

“Please don’t panic?”

Don’t panic is a message I give all my clients whilst I help them understand their crisis to the point they can make an intelligent decision about their life direction.

Panicked people who are scared, lost in their life or marriages will create behaviours that can lead them to survival based behaviours that for many disable them getting to their truth.

Today’s post is about seeing the truth and trusting yourself to lead you and your family to physical and emotional safety.

Life is constantly giving us lessons that either we recognise or we ignore. The key to being successful in life is being able to see those lessons so we can keep ourselves and our families safe. [Read more...]

“How does love die?”

So many couples are struggling to understand how the love they once shared has changed and they are now edging towards divorce. Many of these couples are unaware the love they had died because they didn’t know what to do to keep it alive.

Sadly many divorces happen because they think their love is dead when in reality it was simply dormant.

Relationships need feeding and so many couples are not understanding how they are killing the very thing they want to keep.

Love can start to die in a marriage when one person starts to focus on themselves and their own needs, this can happen if

  • the person is naturally self-absorbed
  • the person is living in a needs deficit so they feel uncared for
  • the person struggles to trust their partner – this could be for good reason or they suffer from trust issues.
  • the person doesn’t know how to grow a relationship

Couples who are most successful have learnt what their partner needs and are focused on making sure those needs are met. [Read more...]

“He thought his life was over..!”

Today’s post is a little different. I wanted to share with you a clients words about his experience of the pain of his divorce and the process of rebuilding him and his future.

Over to him…

The words hit me like a hammer ~ “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, you never were. So you don’t need fixing. You’ve simply lost your way. And I’m here to show you the way back. And it’s not difficult or complicated.’

I was sitting in the office of my coach, Stephen Hedger, at probably the lowest point in my life. My marriage was over, I was facing a toxic, difficult divorce.

Most of the therapists that we had seen during the last stages of our marriage had only succeeded in accelerating the end of our marriage. And had made me feel awful, deeply inadequate as a husband, as a man, as an individual. [Read more...]

7 Rules for a fun passionate successful marriage

The foundation of a successful relationship is based on each person committing to themselves to be the best of themselves especially when problems strike. Far too many people are trying to solve their problems whilst being the worst of themselves.

Successful relationships are not about being perfect, they are about two people consistently experiencing more of what’s important to them, more fun, more love, more passion, more mutual fulfilment.

Sadly far too many couples are magnifying everything they don’t want, they magnify insecurity, loss of trust, contempt, disconnect, loss of love, lack of intimacy, shame to name a few.

To help you I have put together a few thoughts below that couples must learn to master if they want to discover the truth of what their relationship is really capable of achieving.

We are going to start with unconditional love – which in many couples is only reserved for their children, couples are unaware of the consequences of this decision. [Read more...]

So many men and women are needlessly suffering in their relationships…

Men and women are needlessly suffering in their relationships simply because they don’t know how to translate the other persons’ words and behaviours.

The impact of not understanding this critical skill is significant.

Due to this problem some couples enter into a conflict that goes round in circles without a solution.

Some stop communicating their problems but stack resentments against each other.

Some people create other relationships or get their needs met outside the marriage.

Some simply don’t know the extent of the pain and suffering their partner is in.

Men and women are both suffering, but are likely to express it very differently.

‘the final nail in the coffin’

Whatever dynamic the couple creates through their lack of understanding they will start to practice what I call ‘the final nail in the coffin’ – They will start to consistently protect themselves from their partner.

When this happens it transfers that persons focus and belief system to focus on everything that’s wrong, to be clear the good is still there they just cannot see it.

They can practice focusing on everything that’s wrong until their emotions for their partner have died and now they can leave.

An example: One lady I was working with wanted to save her marriage, her husband was not sure what he wanted.

She started sharing her problem with her husbands’ historic behaviours.

I watched her husband emotionally running out of the door as he translated her words.

She had no idea she was making things worse. She had no idea he was hearing attack and criticism.

She had no idea he was collecting her words taking them to heart in such a way he could never be successful with her.

So she was providing the case for him to leave.

For her she was simply hoping he would connect to her pain and suffering totally unaware she was connecting him to his own pain and suffering – the more she spoke the more pain he was in and he simply wanted to go.

In this case, both people had misunderstood what they had to do to get to the truth in their marriage.

Her way of communicating was actually shutting him down but he too was not understanding why she speaking this way.

To him, she was aggressive, negative and mean. I totally understood why he would say that but he wasn’t right.

Two things needed to change – she needed to understand the tools and understanding that would attract him back into the marriage.

He needed to understand how to accurately translate her words and actions so he never needed to protect himself from her again.

His problem was his translation of her words and actions. Her problem was she had no idea how he was translating her.

I did ask her, did you not notice that what you were saying was making him retreat? She said when she communicated this way historically he understood and looked after her.

I had to tell her he never understood he thought one day you would just be happy. Through his lack of understanding he simply emotionally emptied and now he just wants it all to stop.

To help couples like this I have to help him understand her natural emotional patterns and what she needs to feel safe and loved.

BUT!

He must translate her in a way that enabled him to stay connected to himself. For him, this would be a critical life skill.

For her, she would have to understand his world and how to connect to him in a way he would value.

By helping couples understand how they can become positive influencers of each other in the marriage you empower them to create two powerful forces needed for the marriage to survive.

  1. They understand their partners’ world and what they need.
  2. They stay connected to their core self.

This process enables couples to start to see a future again.

Far too many couples are practising the reverse and it’s destroying their connection and any kind of future.

This example is just one pattern of many distorted dynamics couples can create without knowing.

With so much hanging in the balance, understanding how to be successful together is one of those critical life skills we never know we needed until it’s too late.

Many of my clients have told me that when their children marry one of their wedding presents to their children is a pre-marriage course with me.

 

 

Is being married for life possible?

There are few certainties in this world, but many of us want the certainty of a marriage that will last forever.

The challenge is if we strive for certainty in our marriages, this need can without knowing kill a couples passion for each other and this, in turn, kills their connection.

When a person has a lack of certainty for whatever reason they can create distorted behaviours that negatively affect a couples connection and trust in each other.

People are looking for a love that’s certain a love they can control. The moment love is controlled it dies!

Here are a few ways the need for certainty kills their connection.

  • They may be uncertain if they are enough for their partner so they hold back or become needy.
  • They may be uncertain if their partner really loves them
  • They may hold back in the marriage just in case it fails.
  • They may be uncertain so they must control their partner in some way.
  • Some people use jealousy or lack of self-esteem to control their partner.
  • Childhood may tell them no one can be trusted so be on your guard.
  • Some are far too certain what they give to their partner is enough to keep them in the marriage.
  • Some wrongly assume they know how their partner thinks.
  • Some are certain their problems will just sort themselves out.
  • This list is endless…

So there is an important message that I want to share.

The way so many couples are creating their certainly is actually creating the very reverse of what they actually want.

You see once someone has agreed to spend the rest of their life with you that doesn’t mean the deal is done.

The deal is never done because that person can leave and in their 1000s they do, and at any age. [Read more...]

“It’s a miracle!”

For her, it was a miracle. Six months earlier, her husband told her he needed to leave her. She and their daughters were totally devastated at his decision.

Six months later they are back together!

For her it was a miracle and I can totally understand why she sees it that way.

When they both came to see me from his perspective the marriage was over and he had to go.

From her perspective of powerless panic, I knew she felt the situation was hopeless.

She had one hope in her mind, I would somehow magically stop him leaving and fix their marriage. [Read more...]

“OMG we should have seen this coming years ago”

This is a common statement I hear from couples who are on the edge of divorce who have my words that describe the reason for their disconnect ringing in their ears.

Many create conclusions for their disconnect and are way off the mark. You see natural patterns help us see a marital crisis in ways that make it unsolvable BUT…

When a coupe in crisis are helped to understand the reason for their disconnect and what has to change, in many it helps them see a new way forward, one they could never have imagined no matter how bright they are.

You see helping couples out of a crisis isn’t about fixing them it’s about giving them the tools so they can discover for themselves if they can with the right knowledge create a connection they would both enjoy again. [Read more...]

“Stop trying to fix your problems – you’re making them worse!’

This is a typical instruction I will give to couples who are on the edge of divorce and don’t know what to do or think.

Men and women are so disconnected to the impact of their behaviours with each other they are significantly reducing their chances of success without knowing.

Specifically what you will discover in today’s post is some behaviours and expectations so many people are using that are likely to accelerate their problems.

So the key is to become aware of what won’t work and start to become curious about what will.

The big picture of what I see first hand is people are creating behaviours that kill their attraction and break their connection. [Read more...]

The most common problem leading couples to divorce!

I sit at the sharp end of marital crisis every day. I see first hand what everyone is doing that’s leading them to divorce.

Far too many have no idea they are on this disastrous path until it’s too late.

Everyone comes in to see me with different problems affairs, loss of passion, loss of trust, money issues, loss of love and emotional connection, to name a few.

Every couple I see no matter what symptom they bring has this problem.

To understand this problem properly, we need to understand there is a global problem that most people suffer from. [Read more...]

What does a healthy relationship look like?

So many people are living in dysfunctional relationships and have no idea it’s unhealthy for them.

So in today’s post, I’m going to take you through some thoughts you may not be aware are important.

It’s true that successful couples have relationships that are easy to be in, but it’s easy because they have understood some fundamental skills of how to create a connected passionate life together.

Nature does NOT give us this critical knowledge so living together successfully is going to require some new knowledge.

1. You must be free to be connected to who you really are.

So many people change themselves in order to make the relationship work. A successful relationship must help you to become more of who you are not less. [Read more...]

People that blame others for how they feel

No one has the ability to MAKE someone feel a certain way. Or put another way, no one can run into someone’s brain and create a feeling for them.

If a person is having an emotional response to something that response is connected to their unique patterning, they have been developing from birth.

I hear many stories of people who blame their partner or others for how they feel.

This belief in itself is going to weaken the person’s confidence in themselves as they believe others could control them and what they feel, and they can attach those bad feelings to others.

What we feel is created by us and us alone, yes others can influence us and can connect us to deeper pain, but they are not the creators. [Read more...]

“His emotions were sabotaging what he really wanted…”

What you are about to read is about is a gentleman in turmoil. He thought he had lost the girl he loved and his one-year-old son.

She had left him and this connected him to his core fears, emotions that were powerful enough to sabotage him from getting the very thing he wanted.

As his emotional system battled to avoid connecting to the pain of losing her, his behaviours kept on proving to her she had made the right decision.

In his quest to get her back, he was repelling her – he didn’t know.

I had to stop him losing control as he could lose her for good and I could see there was a real chance they were a good fit together at the core. [Read more...]

10 Critical Rules For Saving A Marriage From Divorce

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships. With this knowledge I could have saved my self a lot of time and discomfort.

So here are 10 rules

1. Get on the same page with your partners true perspective.

If you want a relationship to work, or you want to start to get your relationship out of a crisis, then you must hear what your partner is really saying to you. [Read more...]

How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Over?

Some people are staying in broken relationships for far too long they spend years fearful to put their hand up and share they are genuinely unhappy.

Some people share with me they did tell their partner they were unhappy, but when nothing changed they still stayed in the marriage unaware this action was teaching their partner their problems were not that bad after all.

In contrast, far too many people are making the assumption their relationship is over when in reality if they could see and connect to the root of why they feel that way they could have a very different perspective.

So understanding the end of a relationship is complex and is highly traumatic if they both don’t agree. [Read more...]

“The cost of always needing to being right in a marriage!”

Every couple that attends sessions with me are sharing very different perspectives about their relationship, and both people think their version is the truth.

They communicate to me what they both think is the problem, but very few are connected to other ways to think and see their problems, so they live in a disempowered perspective.

This can lead couples to feel their problems are impossible to solve. In so many cases, this is not true.

By helping couples to understand the core problem, they are empowered to see their problem in ways that empower both people to reconnect.

In essence, I have to expand the knowledge of both people so they can connect to their partner’s experience so they can start to add value to each other again. [Read more...]

“Emotionally unavailable partner”

I see many couples where one person has become emotionally unavailable in the relationship. The effects are incredibly damaging to the relationship as every day that passes creates more distance and damage.

So many people come to me asking “how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

Couples that end up in this pattern try to live in this distortion but it’s like a ticking bomb waiting to wreak havoc on their lives in the form of either affairs or separation and divorce.

Below are a few different examples of how emotionally unavailable relationships are created.

The emotionally unavailable men and women that I see usually have deep-rooted fears they are trying to avoid many have no idea this is happening to them. [Read more...]

“I was so embarrassed…”

One of the common traits of marriages that don’t last is when the couple stops being a team that’s creating a purposeful and exciting life together.

Many have gone down the road of becoming more enemies in a battle than team members. So many couples stop creating and building and switch to finger-pointing, defending and blaming.

As I was thinking about today’s post and the concept of being a team, an embarrassing moment came to mind – I had an experience I will never forget.

I was on a team-building weekend. I was about 30 years old at the time.

There was a group of 18 of us, and we were split into three groups. [Read more...]