Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

With the right approach it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage so that your marriage is far stronger than it every was before, no matter what’s happened.

I have seen many couples go through devastating affairs and then learn how to breakthrough their fears and then work together to protect and feed the relationship what it really needs to survive.

At the end of this post you will learn how I helped one lady connect to a strength within her to deal with a devastating situation.

Trust can be broken for many reasons, the obvious ones are affairs, lying, or some kind of erratic behaviour. What many don’t see is that trust can be broken if our needs are not met. Trust can be broken if the dynamic that builds attraction is damaged. [Read more...]

Learning how to repair your relationship is the most critical relationship skill you can learn today!

If you want to learn how to repair your relationship this post is for you. Relationships are extremely valuable and they need looking after if you want to keep them alive, so today you will learn one key skill that’s the foundation to rebuilding your relationship.

The challenge with this is most couples don’t know how to look after the relationship and sadly many are not even aware they have to, they think it should just happen. To be clear successful relationship don’t just happen they are created…

So many couples go in to sadness, anger, frustration and unhappiness – detachment because ‘together’ they have starved the relationship of what it needs to survive.

The relationship then starts to breaks down as the trust dies and no one really knows what to do to stop it. One of both people will then become fearful which can accelerate the process.

How I see relationships in it’s simplest form is their are two banks you need to keep your eye on.

One is the “Bank of Pleasure”, the other is the “Bank of Resentment”.

Most couples start their relationship with the “Bank of Pleasure” high and the “Bank of Resentment” low so naturally it feels good.

As the relationship progresses and the couple start to be challenged by their differences, their day-to-day life stresses and their focus turns to what they think they should or shouldn’t be getting.

Resentment starts to grow in the marriage and their focus moves slowly away from what’s great about the relationship and moves towards what’s wrong – it’s this shift of focus that’s catastrophic.

If the person spends long enough in the “what’s wrong land” the person will start a natural defence process that will end up with them feeling emotionally numb, or constantly anxious on red alert for problems and what they mean.

So to stop the relationship getting to this point what the couple needs is a far greater understanding of how to repair the relationship when trouble strikes.

The challenge is one or both people in the relationship are going to need to acquire some new skills.

Skill one: Get on the same page with the real issue(s)!

They need new skills because to successfully repair the relationship they are going to have to be on the same page understanding what the real challenge is.

This is a big problem! Almost every couples that comes to see me thinks their problem(s) is one thing, only to discover it’s something totally different.

What’s worse is the couple usually don’t agree what their problem is, and then wonder why they have been going round in circles for years.

So they are not a team focused on fixing the same problem, they are in a battle fighting for the other side to see the problem from their perspective.

Getting on the same page with understanding the real problem is the start to repairing the relationship. No matter how bad things get, the moment there is an alignment then two people are together in a shared reality.

This is a foundation that enables the couple to grow, but only if they have the right tools.

I talk to couples about learning how to create and grow a brand new relationship based on genuine foundations. Not a rehash of the old one!

When couples really learn how to understand each other and what’s really important to each other then the relationship can really grow.

If your ready to take that step and want to learn the critical skills for repairing and building a passion connected relationship you can do that one-on-one with me in Harley Street London.

To get started please make contact or book online today.

At a Glance: Relationship Building Programs available to you with Stephen Hedger

  • If you are in marital crisis you may need a tailor made 12 week Marriage Breakthrough Program.
  • If you NOT in crisis, but going round in circles then you may need a 6 week Relationship Repair Program.
  • If your in personal crisis then you may need a 4, 8 or 12 week Personal Breakthrough Program.

If your interested in any of Stephen’s programs either

Book an initial consultation so Stephen can assess what you need click here, or call to discover more information.

 

“Why are we in crisis?”

No matter what you feel is the reason for your crisis, getting to the root cause is critical to help you move forward.

So many couples come in to my programs feeling they know what their real problem is only to discover a far deeper and much more powerful force is at play either within the individual(s), or within the dynamic, or sometimes both.

I have written historically about the idea that couples with marital problems always bring to me ‘symptoms’.

These are things like: Loss of love, Parenting Misalignment, Stress, Depression, Affairs, Money problems, Circular conflict, Controlling behaviours, Power struggles, Loss of passion/sexual attraction.

These are just a few of the many challenges couples are focused on and are trying to fix. [Read more...]

Marriage Problems? The solution is there all you need is courage to discover it!

The only way to build a successful marriage is to have the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife and learn what’s at the root of your problems – NOT being who you are is a fundamental issue and one of the  root problems that leads many couples to wrongly divorce. 

What you’re about to read will go against the grain for so many people who sadly end up learning the hard way. BUT I know that those that are ready to learn will be ready to see their truth and stop years of suffering through answers that free them, just like so many couples that work with me each year.

At the end of this post you will read about a couple who left my Marriage Breakthrough Program last week who embraced what you are about to read below…

Are you ready? 

For any marriage to work you both need the courage to be open, vulnerable and connected to what you believe in and say is important. I see so many people, they tell me values like love, kindness, wisdom, integrity are just a few of their values.

Yet when questioned we find that they don’t practice, or become what they say is important from within their marriage. Many expect this from others, but not from themselves. [Read more...]

Unhappy marriage? Couples are shocked to learn their problems are not quite what they thought?

There are three relationships in any marriage, that’s right three!… and if you don’t get these right then please expect problems.

When relationships go wrong many people assume they feel bad because of their partners behaviours, or lack of them. This can of course have an significant effect in terms of their feelings. It’s critical to know what really created those feelings because a person wanting to leave a marriage is going to use their feelings as their guide to a better life.

If you want the real truth in your marriage then you’ll have to look at all three powerful influencers.

What about the other two relationships that will and do form a powerful part of the mix?

The other two relationships are the ones the two people in the marriage have with themselves. This is usually overlooked, but it forms a significant part of the journey I take couples through.

I have seen so many couples get their relationship back on track because they have discovered how to have a significantly better relationship with themselves. [Read more...]

Your mind is powerful – I have never shared this…

Today we are going to talk about the mind and the power it has to change the direction of your life without you knowing.

I see so many people out of control of their life because they have followed their feelings, as a result they have made terrible choices and have landed in really bad places emotionally.

So if you want to truly be in control of your life direction then this this post is for you.

What you are about to learn is a core part of what couples are learning with me, that helps them go from marital crisis into feeling free and safe to love each other again.

Side note: Business men and women are also learning these skill one-on-one with me to create more effective and confident selves in all areas of their life to create a better life balance whilst lowing stress. (I run 6 week courses for business individuals. If your interested please call Kate on 020 3793 2884).

[Read more...]

Saving a marriage step-by-step

So what are the steps to saving a marriage from divorce? This answer to this question is dependant on where the couple is in their current process. If you get this wrong it’s very possible to make a bad situation much worse.

A couple who both want the relationship to work require a very different strategy to a couple where one person is so detached they can’t see how the marriage could ever work. A couple who fall victim to an infidelity require a different approach to a couple where one person no longer feels they are in love with their partner.

To be clear, with the right approach many situations are solvable, but you can’t use the same strategy for all situations. I hear many inexperienced professionals working with couples and making them feel ten times worse, as they have paid the professional to watch them argue or they feel judged. [Read more...]

“The Win-Win”

For a relationship to work the couple need to be in a position where they have created a dynamic that helps both people to “WIN” within their relationship.

By “WIN” I mean both people feel connect to what they value which means they are happy with the result of their conflict, communication, situation in fact any experience they have together.

So many couples are using a ‘win-lose’ strategy which ultimately creates a ‘lose-lose’ result which means the couple are likely to be stacking resentments towards each other.

In relationships if anyone loses you both lose, because losing in a relationship creates resentments. So one person may feel they have won an argument, but the big picture is, if they have won then their partner has lost and that formula is destructive. [Read more...]

Does your partner want to leave your relationship?

When someone has decided they want to leave their relationship, or are making sounds this is what they want, it’s key to understand what is really going on within them so you can help them make a good decision for them?

I’ve written todays post to uncover what is really going on and why because it’s perfectly possible to reconnect a couple who look like they are at the end of the road once the couple understand what’s really happening to them.

So let start with the basics, many people are not aware that life is really about our ‘feelings’. We are all on a quest to achieve the feelings we want.

We like the feelings that make us feel good and we do our best to move away from ‘the things’ that create painful or uncomfortable feelings. [Read more...]

Personal development for couples in crisis

What you’re about to learn today is one of the big reasons couples in real crisis are turning their relationships around with me.

These couples have stopped their almost certain divorce through learning what you are about to read…

These couples are learning that if they want more out of their relationship then they must become ‘more’ before they make a final decision to leave the marriage. Couples who experience problems have usually become ‘less’ of who they really are in the marriage. These people are totally unaware that become less of who they really are actually creates significant personal pain for themselves.

So this means many individuals feel pain in their marriage, but they are attaching their pain to the wrong thing.   [Read more...]

How to solve impossible marriage problems

If you are feeling your marriage problems are impossible to solve this post is for you.

When a couple come to me for help, they are going to both share a story of their relationship. Each person will have a different story about the same relationship, with different perspectives of the same event(s).

Both people are likely to have attached pain to their story. They have usually been feeling this way for a while and want the suffering to stop.

My job within their process is to help them understand their core problem(s).

Couples will be experiencing problems that become their focus, such as conflict, affairs, communication breakdown, power struggles to name a few. [Read more...]

How to get your marriage back on track

In todays post I’m going to share with you two critical elements that are needed to help a couple get their marriage back on track.

Couples are coming to me with a vast array of problems and with differing degrees of severity.

Some simply want me to fix them, some are not sure what they want. Some are convinced it’s over, they are only in front of me for the sake of the children.

So if you want to get your marriage back on track then here are some important things to focus on. [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]

Attraction Attraction Attraction

What you are about to read is an important foundation that helps couples migrate from crisis to reconnection. So if saving your relationship is your goal then this will be important to learn.

Attraction is a critical part of what makes couples successful and this goal sits as a key objective when I’m working with couples who have lost their way. I know many people will think I’m talking just about physical attraction and to some degree that is important, BUT physical attraction is just one small part of the mix.

When couples first meet and that meeting generates an energy that both people enjoy, their attraction to each other is automatic, it’s an energy that naturally happens within them both.  [Read more...]

Are we compatible?

Are we compatible? This is a very common question and one that gets asked a lot when I’m working with couples? Couples that come for my help want to know if the problems they have are fixable, or do they have some deep-seated problem hardwired into their relationship?

For most couples in crisis the reason they feel incompatible is because that’s exactly what’s happened, they have created an incompatible dynamic. Their dynamic has changed for some reason.

This change of dynamic will create feelings that one or both people simply can’t live with.

The good news is for most couples this state is not permanent once we understand the underlying cause(s). [Read more...]

What’s killing your relationship?

Many people are killing their relationship without knowing. Below I have created a simple list of the kinds of behaviours I see that consistently break relationships. Any one of these will cause problems and many couples practice many all at once. 

Many people create negative feelings within them and then attach those feelings to their relationship.

Too many people practice these relationship eroding behaviours and are not aware they are part of the problem they are complaining about.

The saddest part is too many couples [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust to regain emotional connection

When a person in a relationship believes that their emotional self is not being looked after or respected by their partner they are highly likely to want to protect themselves from the person that is supposed to love them.

The process of protecting themselves leads that person to lose trust in their partners ability or desire to care about what they are thinking or feeling.

If this need to protect ones self goes on for long enough then the couple are in danger of one or worse both people emotionally detaching and this can be catastrophic for that couple.

The near impossible challenge is to love someone whilst needing to protect yourself from them. This process of protection leads people to feelings that suggest they love their partner, but they are not in love with them. [Read more...]

What really helps to fix marriage problems?

The simple answer to this question is in their patterns of behaviour. Couples can create patterns which can create a negative ping-pong effect in their relationship. Both people can then end up protecting themselves from each other which is disastrous for their future together. If the relationship is to be saved then it’s important to break these patterns and build new ones that are safe for both people.

Of course sharing each others experience through talking about the relationship is important when trying to solve any problem(s).

When the couple understand the truth in their relationship then there is a potential of an intellectual understanding of their situation. [Read more...]

What makes a great marriage?

Every couple is unique and their vision for a great marriage will differ across the world. If these couples were aware of the knowledge that would keep their marriage safe no matter what, it would make a significant difference to a trend that is leading so many couples to the end of their marriage.

To take a relationship where two people are fulfilled and connected passionately they need to be aware of some simple skills.

The first skill is to become aware of what you don’t know.

From the start of your relationship your partner is going to be having a very different experience from you within your relationship, [Read more...]

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]