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I agree that many of you may find some of what I teach to build successful relationships goes against the grain of what you have believed and have been taught historically.
Putting your partner first, not making them wrong, giving love unconditionally can seem impossible but….
…is the challenge you face to protect what you have always done, or is it to discover new ways grow the passion back into your relationship? [Read more...]
Are you starting to wake up and you realise that the life you have is not the life you thought you were going to get. Did you think your life was going to be different?
Maybe the problem is your money, your job, maybe it’s your relationship. Whatever the problem you now face if you want to fix it then you have to understand why you are in pain.
Pain in any area of life is caused when how you think it should be, does not match your perception of how it actually is. [Read more...]
I know many will ignore this, but for you, I hope you take your time to understand the magnitude of what you are about to read so next year can really be the way you want it.
As 2011 draws to a close I wonder as you reflect on this year what has been your primary focus. I wonder what you have spent most of your time directing your mind to. It’s important to understand this because it’s why your life is the way it is now. If you’re not happy with what you’ve got then clearly a change has to be on the cards for you!
Take a moment to think: What have you been feeling and thinking about this year and why?
Most people have problems of some kind, but what’s interesting is because the problem becomes their focus, all the persons’ energy is directed towards the problem. [Read more...]
I want to start today with a strange question, but stay with me this is important to know?
Most of you have probably at some point purchased a car, did you notice that after you bought that car, the same model seemed to appear everywhere?
How about those of you that have children, did you notice ladies that when you were pregnant the world suddenly felt full of pregnant women?
I expect most of you could relate to these very common experiences. I remember one of my clients was convinced that the year she was expecting there was a baby boom. Of course there wasn’t at all, but something was…
Whilst we are all aware of this phenomenon do you know why it happens and how it relates to the reason why people divorce?
When anyone creates a focus of attention on something that feels important, it instantly becomes magnified. The new focus is amplified and creates a distortion of perception. So when you buy a new car this distorted perception is harmless…
…BUT if you do this in your marriage when times get tough you could make a terrible decision for all the wrong reasons as your feelings trick you into a distorted belief that the relationship is wrong.
So what is really going on here and how does this relate to knowing if divorce is the right solution.
When people decide to divorce what they have been focused on is what has been wrong in the relationship and how it seems impossible to fix. If they do this for long enough they create a magnified distortion where it’s really easy to only see what wrong and everything that right in the relationship gets deleted from their minds.
This deletion phenomenon is displayed in the examples I gave at the start of this post. Before a woman becomes pregnant she will actually delete pregnant women around her. As soon a pregnancy becomes important, her focus changes and the deleting stops and they magically appear. The same happens with buying new cars.
The more anyone focuses on what’s wrong in their relationship the faster they start to feel bad inside and blame the relationship or their partner. Now those bad feelings are attached to their partner and this heightens the focus that something is wrong and a change is needed.
So now they are feeling bad around their partner and all they can see is problems. The vision for the future together disappears and now the only logical solution is we must get rid of our relationship and a divorce is on the cards.
What if the original focus of what’s wrong has actually been a confusion based on this distorted focus of attention? What if the meanings and feeling from this distortion has been what lead to wanting a divorce.
What if you know that something is not right in your relationship, what do you do?
My advice, don’t believe what you feel, what you feel is not the fact you think it is and the cost of getting this wrong is high.
Seek help and find out, not all people are designed to be together, but wouldn’t you want to know the truth?
I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.
So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…
“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.
When I had my huge break down, I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?
So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”
What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.
Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.
In short your partner will have a desire to leave if they cannot see a future with you, or the future they can see is one they fear having.
Of course what they are experiencing is a perception of what might be, but to them it feels real and so taking how they feel seriously is important.
When someone in a relationship goes for prolonged periods of not feeling good about themselves in the context of their relationship they have to find ways in which they can feel happy.
What the relationship experiences is where it used to fulfill the needs of the individuals it no longer does and so the individuals start to look outside of the relationship to feel good again.
Woman may go to friends, children or parents to feel important or secure. Men might work longer hours to gain the same security.
The couple can start to resent the areas of their partners life that have taken their place.
If this goes on for too long the next stage is fear for their future as resentment starts to settle in. As life becomes more difficult for the couple and harmony has left the relationship, both people can start to meet their needs in way that contradicts what in normal life they would class as bad behaviour.
They start to behave in ways that are the total opposite of what they really believe in. In these places activities such as affairs become a real possibility.
What’s key to understand is as soon as anyone in a relationship is not having their critical needs met they will have no choice but to go elsewhere to get them met. This is not choice it is a critical human need. You maybe thinking that sex is the driver, but in many cases it’s a need to feel important, loved, secure or maybe just to have adventure where the relationship is stale.
So unless you know what your partner needs how can you help them meet them. If you don’t know what you need how can your help your partner be successful with you.
Many couples fall into this trap, they have no idea how to communicate what they really need and so the relationship is basically a ticking bomb.
It will end up either over, or passionless… Do you understand your partners needs?
Here’s how to get it. Sustaining a passionate love life is all about building an unbreakable trust with your partner. Helping your partner feel like they are always the most important part of your life, helping them become secure in the knowledge that you will always be there for them.
You promise to love them forever, never judge them, or make them wrong. You’ll define your future together and help to grow your relationship towards that future whilst keeping life exciting.
Plus you’ll help them become the person they want to become in the life they want to live by understand their needs and values for life. If you promise to do all of this and you practice it consistently every day then prepare yourself for a life long love affair, because as you give and give you will discover you’ll never have to take.
Most couples don’t do this because they go to a fearful place and they start to pull love away when they have the perception that things are going wrong.
They may feel inadequate in the relationship, or maybe their fear drives them to look for problems. Or they can’t seem to understand why that spark they had in the beginning has gone.
When one or both people in the relationship goes to a place of fear the passion stops dead!
Many men come to me with the problem that their partner has removed themselves sexually from the relationship. Most of the time the woman is in a place of fear. She may not be able to see a future, maybe due to trust issues, communication break down, or she may fear not having the life or relationship she wanted, her fears will be unique to her.
Whatever her reason for being scared, putting pressure on her for sex will never work.
Plus more and more women are complaining that their men are shutting down sexually too. Again there are many reasons, but you can bet that fear is never far from their door.
Never ever pull your love away, you will always hurt yourself and your relationship if you do.
Sex is always the first thing to go when relationships hit problems, and of course life is full of them, how you deal with those problems together is what makes the difference.
The key to a passionate future together is giving and giving and giving so find out what he or she really needs and give it to them in buckets.
Biggest tip for the ladies: Your man has two big desires in life that will make him feel like a man in your relationship. The first one is not what you think – Pleasing you is his number one desire, this makes him feel like a man. So help him feel successful with you.
Biggest tip for the men: Women want attention all the time. So get present with your partner and listen to her, feel what she feels, shower her with attention, understand what she really needs. Help her feel like the most beautiful beautiful woman in the world to you. She must know she is No.1.
Have you ever considered the possibility that the world in which you live in has programmed you to behave the way you do today.
For those of you that are sceptical, ask yourself why the government has banned advertisers wanting to use subliminal advertising. The reason is it works at deep level with our minds and can change our behaviours without us knowing.
If this is possible, what have we been programmed to do and think without knowing, the simple answer is probably far more than we would like.
When you think about it you are programmed to do lots of things without thinking, or understanding why you do what you do. Some things don’t matter such as, how you always brush your teeth, or which shoe you always put on first.
BUT there are other things, important things you will have set up just like those without knowing that will be affecting your perception and behaviour in the world you live in.
How much of our own thoughts do we actually own, and how much has been given to us by our journey through life.
Put another way, what has your mind been fed? If you do not have the life you are after then you must have been fed the wrong programme to get what you don‘t want.
What’s important to learn here is, it is us that creates our life and our futures. This puts us back in control so we can start to learn what programme(s) do we need to load or feed our minds to get what we desire most.
The starting point is to not always believe your own thoughts and hype. Look at how you behave and the actions you take. This is far more telling than what you say.
A persons belief system is not fact, yet people act as if their beliefs are facts. It is this illusion that helps individuals stay stuck in lives they don’t want or create havoc in relationships they do want.
Everyone has to be open to the possibility that what they understand of their world is just one perspective and this could have all the design features to destroy the very thing they want to have or keep.
If life is not the way it should be for you then maybe now is the time to understand what is going wrong and how to change it.
If your behaviours are hurting you, you are running the wrong programme or pattern. Or put another way you are consistently behaving in a way that gives you the reverse of what you want.
Is this happening to you?
Call Stephen Hedger today!
I see people from all walks of life broken hearted due to the break up of their relationship. Hard as they try they cannot seem to get their painful feelings to go away.
Everything is a reminder of what they have lost, and instead of the painful feelings fading as everyone promised their feelings just seem to carry on relentlessly.
For people who experience this it’s like they are stuck in time, the world is moving around them, but they are frozen never really sure what to do to help themselves.
I see a lot of people seeking help with their break up. Below are the steps I take to help these people go from helplessness to living fun and happy lives again.
The steps in more detail
Due to the shock of the actual break up and the possible months and sometimes years of problems leading to the break up, individuals can live very distorted lives. They can also create illusions of how wonderful their relationship is or was and keep remembering that perfect image. Whatever distortion they are experiencing my first job is to understand what they are doing to create the feelings they don’t want.
Step-by-step through critical questions the clients watches a reality they never knew existed unfold before their eyes. What this uncovers is the real truth behind why they were so unhappy in the relationship. This takes off the distortion the client used to experience as the truth. I will also help the client to collapse the meanings behind the distorted images they created that leads them to despair.
The next step is to build the clients inner strength through further understanding of how they work and why they do what they do. This can take the form of a deeper knowledge of their past and how the different versions of them were created and what they were created for. This process uncovers more truth and understanding that moves the client away from their past fears and towards a place of freedom, peace and happiness.
Get the client to commit to taking massive action towards creating a different story. We all create stories of our lives and so when one story ends a new one emerges. The goal is to create a story that is so compelling and powerful it dwarfs the old one thus completing the change.
The client learns how to create a win-win situation for his or her life. Relationship break up is a time for growth if approached in a constructive way.
At the end of these session the client discovers that they are armed to be able to control their emotional states and know how to choose partners that are more compatible with them. They then go into relationships with their eyes wide open know what to look for and what will make them happy.
If you were in Madrid, but you thought you were in London how long would it take you to get to New York?
Relationships have the same problem because people in relationships do not know how to communicate where they are emotionally, because their emotional states can change so frequently. People can also get stuck in emotional states due to prolonged and challenging life conditions.
BUT to make things worse people in relationship also don’t make relationship goals or plans and so now we have two people in different places emotionally with no direction.
This is why my first job with any couple or individual is to understand where they are today and where they really want to be and why.
Once we have a clear focus on todays reality plus a clear direction and how to know when the individual or couple have arrived at their destination, then a clear plan can be put in place to help them.
Admitting you are lost is never a great place to be and so we never like to face that truth, but when you become honest that you are lost, this create the question “where am I really, where do I want to be and how do I get there?â€
From here different questions get asked and an openness to explore other perspectives and possibilities in yourself and your relationships free people from their own prison of fear and hopelessness.
From a place of honesty you can take control of you, your life and your relationship and being lost is now only temporary as confusion in situations build maps of more understanding to guide you through the journey of life.
Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.
Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…
…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.
So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.
The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.
Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.
The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.
A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.
Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.
The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.
If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.
The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.
The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.
Thousands of couples across the UK, full of fear for their future have one BIG question
“how do I save my marriage?â€
No matter what’s happened in your relationship or your life your relationship can be saved if the right steps are taken.
Relationships do not just go wrong over night, it takes time and builds up in the minds of those who start to feel that something is wrong.
One of the problems people near break-up experience is that they have spent along time creating bad feelings and attaching those bad feelings to their partner and their relationship.
Whenever you focus on bad things or what’s wrong with your life consistently, what you end up with is a distorted view of what is really going on. This means your perception of reality in the context of your relationship is going to be very different from the actual reality.
This is why so many couples believe 100% that divorce is their only option and then end up regretting it.
So when couples work with me to take a step back from their relationship what they discover is things are not as bad as they first thought.
They discover that they have both created feelings within themselves from a distorted perspective of their relationship. They have then judged their own thoughts and made their partner responsible for the thoughts they have created.
From this new perspective a couple can start to discover what was missing from their relationship. This new perception of their relationship changes their approach and puts them in a more resourceful state of self-discovery and openness rather than blame and resentment.
At this point where the foundations of their beliefs about their partner has been changed we can work to grow the knowledge within the couple to help them understand why they both felt so bad.
The reasons here could be infinite, it could be due to past experiences either from child hood or past relationships. There could be values set up to always equal failure for an individual and so depression is likely. It could be assumptions and misunderstandings have consistently caused conflict. It could be that one of you was just bored. This list is potentially endless, but in this list will be needs that one or both people in the relationship were missing that were critical to their happiness.
Once we have discovered the missing needs then growth starts to happen again as the couple gain a deeper understanding of how they got to where they are and why they behaved the way they did.
With a more sympathetic view of their relationship and the with their fears now on the back burner the couple are positioned to create a new commitment to each other from this new perspective of understanding.
The couple then receive help with the assumption that their will always be challenges in their relationship, but with the right understanding and a unified approach to their problems they have every chance of creating a passionate and lasting relationship.
Remember whatever you believe about your relationship today, it is only one perspective and if that comes from a state of fear or anger then it is guaranteed that any decision taken in this place will be a poor one that is likely to be regretted later.
Yesterday we started to understand perception and how we create the meanings for the world we live in and how those perceptions can craft your future. Click how our minds work if you missed part 1
Today I’m going to expand on this and talk about your focus and how that works with your perceptions to design your life and relationships.
All this happens without you knowing, so imagine how powerful this can be if you can choose your perceptions, and now your focus.
Have you ever bought something like a car and suddenly noticed lots of cars just like yours suddenly appear? Or if you were expecting a baby, then did the world suddenly look like it was full of pregnant women? Is this magic, or coincidence of course not?
If this or something similar has happened to you, then that’s your focus in action. The truth is the world did not change, what changed was your focus and until you had that focus you went through life deleting all information that was not important, such as that model of car or pregnant women.
I will say that again, if you deem information to not be important, you will delete it as if it never happened. In fact you will swear that it didn’t happen, even if it did.
You may even receive information you don’t totally understand and so you may have to distort it so it fits into your model of the world, so your version of events never actually happened, children are victim of this and it’s why what information you feed you children is critical.
Now you know that through your mind the world will present to you what you focus on, what do you want the world to give you?
If you are a negative person what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in the world.
If you fear being in the wrong relationship what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in your relationship, and go on a mission to discover everything that may hurt you. Even if you have the best relationship in the world you would find problems, because problems are always available.
Some may say they want more money and they have focused on this for years and they are still poor. What these people don’t realise is they actually focused without knowing on not having enough money and so they practised, not having enough money until they were successful at it.
If these people focused on creating careers that were inline with all they value emotionally, and they persistently worked on growing their value within those markets, they would then see results that would in turn provide them with the money they desire. The focus here is on growth and contribution not on a lack.
People in problem relationships will have practised focusing on a fear for their future. When they find the many problems their fears have created they will then focus on protection or security from their partner. This will help them focus on attaching all their bad feelings to their partners and then make them responsible for making them feel bad.
Why not create a focus for what you really want. This is the biggest challenges for coaches and their clients. Because what a client thinks they want, is never what they really want.
A coach knows the client wants emotions. The clients thinks the outside world is the route to those feelings, the coach knows the route to their true happiness is within themselves.
So what is going to be the focus of your life and what perceptions of the world are going to give you all you desire?
Something to think about…
In today’s post I am going to share some concepts about how our minds work so you can relate this back to how you experience the world, your life, relationships, and especially the one with yourself.
The goal is to gain a better understanding of how you really work. So if you want to gain control of your life experiences and your relationships please read this slowly.
The way you experience the world, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of the world, in your mind, based on your life experiences so far. Your mind is always looking for meanings to what happens within your world based on your own unique experiences, because it’s all you know.
Different experiences therefore create different perceptions.
These experiences of yours have created meanings to your world that are unique to you, and these experiences are designing your future. No one else has exactly the same experiences of life as you.
This means that the world and it’s meanings to you is purely a perception that sits within your mind, and so any beliefs that you have created on your journey through life are based on these perceptions, and are not actual facts. Many people have beliefs that they believe are facts, when they are not.
So if the world you live in is an interpretation created by you, then the meanings you give the world are clearly a perception too.
So if the world you live in a is a perception in your mind, and you are creating these perceptions without knowing then imagine how the world would feel it you could control your day-to-day experiences and their meanings, how would that change you and your future?
The truth is your perceptions can create vast differences in the life you live, and not understanding this puts either other people or the world in charge of your life’s direction.
If your focus is on all that’s wrong then you will create that perception and live that life. We are conditioned by society to look for the negative and so this comes easy for us to do and so we convince ourselves that we are in the wrong relationships, or our lives are hopeless and success only happens to others.
Know this: Successful people NEVER EVER think that way, and so they create the perception that everything is possible they totally believe in themselves and so they take massive actions and are relentless in their quest to get the lives they want.
So what perceptions have you created about your life? Maybe the reason you don’t have what you really want is down to you and your perception of yourself.
Maybe you don’t think you are enough…and that’s holding you back…!?
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
"Your skill as a coach is very special. Anyone who has tried traditional counselling and failed (as we had) should definitely try you before throwing in the towel." Read their story
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF
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