“Our marriage is in crisis! Tell us exactly what we have to do to fix it?”

If your marriage isn’t working for any reason it’s a horrible experience, so when you have exhausted all avenues what next?

This lady has kindly taken time to share her experience of a first meeting with Stephen (The initial Consultation). She wanted a way forward, but really couldn’t see how they could ever make it work.

Q: What attracted you to Stephen?

A: I looked online trying to get a bit of help just because I didn’t know any other way and Stephens website stood out in terms of what he offered, it would appear that all the other counsellors and therapists just sort of listen and don’t actually give any advice. [Read more...]

She said the change was mind-blowing!

Recently I was asked by a psychologist looking to work with me, why do I think I was getting such great results with couples that came to me in terrible crisis?

My answer was simple, I treat every couples problem as totally unique. I then help the individuals to understand themselves and each other in a way that helps two intelligent people decide what they want to do.

What this means is every person and every couple will receive a totally different approach to their problem.

Very often people hesitate to come in to see me in fear of what I might find. My message is people don’t need to be fixed, there is nothing wrong with them. [Read more...]

#700: Want to save your marriage? Then you must learn how to become attractive to your partner…

One of the key ingredients to a successful marriage is to keep the attraction/passion alive. What I see most couples doing is they practice acting in very unattractive ways that actually repel their partner.

Men and women are choosing to live together without learning about how different they really are. They make assumptions about their partner that creates resentments that become a powerfully negative force.

So when problems strike they don’t know how to translate their partners actions so they automatically assume the worst.

When this happens this is the start of big trouble for any couple.

So one of my missions for my clients is to help them learn the steps they need to keep that attraction alive for life.

At the end of todays post you will see how I helped one man see that he was shutting her down in his quest to be safe with her. [Read more...]

All successful couples have done this to save their marriage and avoid an almost certain divorce!

Every day I spend my time with couples in crisis. I see multiple couples a day, each one with a totally different problem from affairs to loss of love from breaches of trust to circular conflicts and power struggles.

So I’ve end up with a very unique perspective on the world of relationships. What’s important about this perspective is the data I have collected for over a decade on those that are successful and those that aren’t.

The successful couples have all consistently done the same things to save their marriage. Today I’m going to share some of my findings.

Seven Steps to Save Your Marriage From Divorce

These are the seven steps all successful couples are taking to avoid divorce regardless of the problem they have brought to me.

Yes that’s right – regardless of the problem they bring! [Read more...]

“They were at the end..!”

I see so many couples who through no fault of their own have totally misunderstood their relationship, their partner and for some totally misunderstood themselves.

Below are a few recent cases. 

# CASE 1: I thought I knew my wife and relationships. I thought everything was fine, I now know I had no idea what was really going on in my marriage and for her.

This gentleman thought he was going to lose his wife. She really didn’t want to spend time with him and was looking for ways to stay in the marriage, but not spend time with him.

She was unaware she was living in an identity that was not the true her within the relationship. She had become the sole protector of the family and the relationship. [Read more...]

Listening is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner.

Listening is probably the most under developed skill I experience with couples that come for my help.

Of course they know how to physically hear, but they don’t know how to truly listen to what their partner is saying.

Some of the problem is they are so focused on what they want to say in response to their partners words they are not listening to the words their partner is actually saying.

BUT this is a small part of a much bigger problem… the real challenge is this…

What are they really hearing when their partner is speaking? [Read more...]

Does your partner want to leave your relationship?

When someone has decided they want to leave their relationship, or are making sounds this is what they want, it’s key to understand what is really going on within them so you can help them make a good decision for them?

I’ve written todays post to uncover what is really going on and why because it’s perfectly possible to reconnect a couple who look like they are at the end of the road once the couple understand what’s really happening to them.

So let start with the basics, many people are not aware that life is really about our ‘feelings’. We are all on a quest to achieve the feelings we want.

We like the feelings that make us feel good and we do our best to move away from ‘the things’ that create painful or uncomfortable feelings. [Read more...]

Are you valuable to your partner?

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]

“My husband left me…” She had just given birth and was desperate

To set the scene: This lady was so attached to the life she though she was going to live, she had been putting up with terribly unkind and destructive behaviours from her husband. 

Desperate to get the life she wanted back on track she came to me for help. She wanted me to fix her marriage and help her husband regain his sanity – They had a new born and her husband had just decided to move out of the family home, she had no idea why.

What she didn’t know was her husband was actually having an affair. He had kept it a secret from her and from me through the sessions which essentially gave his wife no hope as he was secretly emotionally invested elsewhere. [Read more...]

“Thank you for not giving up on me…”

These were the words from a woman that months before swore blind that her marriage was dead. She was thanking her husband for not giving up the fight to save his relationship and family.

Months before she sat in my office telling me that she would explore the relationship, but her mind was made up, she wasn’t in love with her husband and she had to leave.

She also presented a relationship history that essentially said she never really loved him and she had made a mistake marrying him.

To him this was a total contradiction of his experience, he even bought up letters and cards of love that she had written to him over the years. She denied any of it was real and she was playing a part. [Read more...]

Marriage in Crisis? Has your partner fallen out of love with you and you want to save your relationship? Learn the steps to helping them fall back in love with you again.

Todays post is a combination of what to do and what not to do if you want to save your relationship.

The first action a couple has to take to see if it’s possible to rebuild their relationship is to take the pressure out of the situation.

When one person has moved emotionally out of the relationship their partner is likely to be taking actions they hope will bring them back in, most people fail at this because their strategy doesn’t honour their partners feelings which are powerful and very real.

These are some typical behaviours people are using that don’t work [Read more...]

Want to solve your problems?

Do you feel that your problems are impossible to solve? Any individual or couple that have a problem they feel is impossible to solve is going to feel that way for one reason.

They are keeping their problem alive by the way they are approaching their problem(s).

It’s easy to keep approaching a problem in the same way, keep failing and then concluded it’s impossible to solve. So many couples are divorcing for the wrong reason and they have no idea. Many feel they have tried everything, however the truth is it’s likely they have only tried what they can think of trying.

A lady came to me recently, she was struggling to get over a recent break-up. She was clearly harming herself with her approach to her challenge, no sleep, loss of weight, emotionally empty she was heading for bigger problems and she knew it. [Read more...]

How to move a relationship out of crisis?

If you are in crisis and you want to make a change in your relationship then it’s critical that the process of making that change is understood if you are to be successful.

The most common scenario I see is when one person feels the relationship has died. They have lost their feelings for their partner and do not know how to get their feelings back. Some of course don’t even want to try.

One person is likely to be in a position where they are desperate to save the relationship and they can get very busy trying to stop them leaving.

Individuals panicking to save their relationship will usually notice they are making their fragile situation much worse through taking the wrong actions. The result is they are likely to see their partner become more detached the more they try to keep them in the relationship. Both people can now feel stuck. [Read more...]

Infidelity, depression, suicidality

What do you do when a man enters your session telling you he’s afraid he will end up killing himself. He was breaking down and didn’t know how to stop it. 

So confused he came to me with a quest to save his relationship which was really dead for him and his partner. 

This gentleman is a well known professional in his field and has been kind enough to share his words after a few weeks of us working together. He has asked for his words below to remain anonymous.

A 20 year relationship ended by my infidelity, and a breakdown which came seemingly out of nowhere when I ended the affair were the just the start of my problems.

I approached Stephen because I felt I had never given my long term relationship with the mother of my children a fair chance.  I believed that my addictive reaction to my affair partner had doomed my attempts at rebuilding the relationship when it first fell apart. [Read more...]

Are you passionate about your relationship? If so this is for you…

If you want your relationship/marriage to work then learning the answer to this question will be a monumental jump forward for any couple to explore.

Question: What really has to happen for couples to stay connected in a meaningful way for life? 

Many couples are only learning they should have known the answer to this question after they survived their own personal crisis…

These couples have lived a half life with each other, coping and existing, never really connecting at a level which would have worked long-term. [Read more...]

He was losing his marriage and felt powerless to fix it…

I was on the phone to this gentleman last week, he had been going to see a marriage counsellor for a few months about a severe marriage problem and he was concerned that they were not making the progress he expected and was going to lose his marriage. 

He had come across my service online saw it was very different and wanted to have an initial call with me to understand how my offer worked in more detail.

Before I answered his question I wanted to see if I could help him understand why they were in trouble.

So I asked him what problem they were facing. What he told me I had heard many times before. [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Partner wants to leave the marriage and you desperately want to save it…

If you find yourself in this situation there are some things you must not do if you want to keep them.

You see the natural reaction is going to be to tell them it’s a terrible mistake, prove to them all the great things in the relationship and put pressure on them to see it your way whilst explaining the pain and destruction they will cause the children.

This is all understandable, but when you see the world from their perspective you might want to think again.

So lets jump into their shoes, they have probably been feeling awful for along time so they are going to feel emotionally empty. They will have deleted all the good in the relationship because keeping focused on the bad is what will keeps them emotionally safe and what they really want is to feel free of the pressure and pain the relationship is giving them. [Read more...]

I can’t carry on this way…

When a person trying to save their marriage feels they have done all they can to solve their problems, they have two choices. Stay in a marriage and accept their lot, or they can seek help. Divorce is of course an option, but is last on the list. This person needs to feel they have done all they can before they bail out.

Many of those people that do want to seek help can find themselves alone in their quest. Their partner has chosen for whatever reason to not explore their relationship with a third party. I have to say I hear many horror stories from my clients about their perception of the professional help they have sought historically, so I do understand peoples reluctance.

This leaves the person wanting to get help in a difficult position because they are so stuck.

So I encourage individuals to come in and [Read more...]

Your relationship is valuable so please look after it…

I see all relationships as the most valuable part of the human experience and I know those people who have chosen to work with me feel the same.

I know if I were speaking from the children’s perspectives they would give us a very clear message of how valuable it is to have their real mum and a dad in their lives.

When you look at the end of a couples relationship the law has a very clear perspective of how to see the value of your relationship broken down in monetary terms.

But all this focus on the money you will lose doesn’t take into account the emotional impact on all those involved.  If children are part of a couples life the impact a divorce can have on them in later life is far greater than many know (which most parents are not aware of). [Read more...]