The Steps To Getting Over A Break Up

I see people from all walks of life broken hearted due to the break up of their relationship. Hard as they try they cannot seem to get their painful feelings to go away.

Everything is a reminder of what they have lost, and instead of the painful feelings fading as everyone promised their feelings just seem to carry on relentlessly.

For people who experience this it’s like they are stuck in time, the world is moving around them, but they are frozen never really sure what to do to help themselves.

I see a lot of people seeking help with their break up. Below are the steps I take to help these people go from helplessness to living fun and happy lives again.

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that builds self-esteem and confidence

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

The steps in more detail

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

Due to the shock of the actual break up and the possible months and sometimes years of problems leading to the break up, individuals can live very distorted lives. They can also create illusions of how wonderful their relationship is or was and keep remembering that perfect image. Whatever distortion they are experiencing my first job is to understand what they are doing to create the feelings they don’t want.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values.

Step-by-step through critical questions the clients watches a reality they never knew existed unfold before their eyes. What this uncovers is the real truth behind why they were so unhappy in the relationship. This takes off the distortion the client used to experience as the truth. I will also help the client to collapse the meanings behind the distorted images they created that leads them to despair.

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that build self-esteem and confidence.

The next step is to build the clients inner strength through further understanding of how they work and why they do what they do. This can take the form of a deeper knowledge of their past and how the different versions of them were created and what they were created for. This process uncovers more truth and understanding that moves the client away from their past fears and towards a place of freedom, peace and happiness.

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

Get the client to commit to taking massive action towards creating a different story. We all create stories of our lives and so when one story ends a new one emerges. The goal is to create a story that is so compelling and powerful it dwarfs the old one thus completing the change.

The client learns how to create a win-win situation for his or her life. Relationship break up is a time for growth if approached in a constructive way.

At the end of these session the client discovers that they are armed to be able to control their emotional states and know how to choose partners that are more compatible with them. They then go into relationships with their eyes wide open know what to look for and what will make them happy.

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

How To Avoid Splitting-Up?

One of the biggest challenges that any couple in trouble faces is their own perceptions and beliefs about their relationships and their problems.

This is because after time spent focused on their problems a couple can get a distorted vision of their relationship and how it fits into what they thought their life should be like.

Unfortunately from this place they can decide that splitting up is their best, or only option… BUT! Just because they can’t find a solution it does not mean there isn’t one.

The question that gets to your truth is this…

  • How can we trust our perspective if we don’t know how our perspective is created
    and specifically what influences it?

OUR PERSPECTIVE… equals a meaning we give an event(s) based on our own life experiences so far, our state of mind at the time, our values for what’s important to us, the rules we have attached to our values.

Our perspective is also influenced by how we are meeting our needs that we maybe meeting yet conflicting with our most critical values for happiness.

When you consider all this plus how we generalise and distort information to fit our belief systems that were set up unconsciously, how can anyone trust in a state of fear (which is where most couples in trouble are) know as a fact that splitting up is the best decision and will make them happy?

The simple answer is they can’t..!

All they know is today they are not happy and they don’t want to feel that way any more.

This is why my first job as a relationship coach is to help all my clients understand the truth about their relationship before any decisions can be made…

Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

How Do I Save My Marriage

Thousands of couples across the UK, full of fear for their future have one BIG question
“how do I save my marriage?”

No matter what’s happened in your relationship or your life your relationship can be saved if the right steps are taken.

Let me explain how this works.

Relationships do not just go wrong over night, it takes time and builds up in the minds of those who start to feel that something is wrong.

One of the problems people near break-up experience is that they have spent along time creating bad feelings and attaching those bad feelings to their partner and their relationship.

Many Couples Regret Their Divorce…

Whenever you focus on bad things or what’s wrong with your life consistently, what you end up with is a distorted view of what is really going on. This means your perception of reality in the context of your relationship is going to be very different from the actual reality.

This is why so many couples believe 100% that divorce is their only option and then end up regretting it.

Here is the good news

So when couples work with me to take a step back from their relationship what they discover is things are not as bad as they first thought.

They discover that they have both created feelings within themselves from a distorted perspective of their relationship. They have then judged their own thoughts and made their partner responsible for the thoughts they have created.

From this new perspective a couple can start to discover what was missing from their relationship. This new perception of their relationship changes their approach and puts them in a more resourceful state of self-discovery and openness rather than blame and resentment.

At this point where the foundations of their beliefs about their partner has been changed we can work to grow the knowledge within the couple to help them understand why they both felt so bad.

The reasons here could be infinite, it could be due to past experiences either from child hood or past relationships. There could be values set up to always equal failure for an individual and so depression is likely. It could be assumptions and misunderstandings have consistently caused conflict. It could be that one of you was just bored. This list is potentially endless, but in this list will be needs that one or both people in the relationship were missing that were critical to their happiness.

Missing needs

Once we have discovered the missing needs then growth starts to happen again as the couple gain a deeper understanding of how they got to where they are and why they behaved the way they did.

With a more sympathetic view of their relationship and the with their fears now on the back burner the couple are positioned to create a new commitment to each other from this new perspective of understanding.

  • This is the start of rebuilding the trust the couple needs to survive long-term.

The couple then receive help with the assumption that their will always be challenges in their relationship, but with the right understanding and a unified approach to their problems they have every chance of creating a passionate and lasting relationship.

Remember whatever you believe about your relationship today, it is only one perspective and if that comes from a state of fear or anger then it is guaranteed that any decision taken in this place will be a poor one that is likely to be regretted later.

Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

Is the Clock Ticking On Your Relationship?

What is going on in your relationship without you knowing?

Des wrote to me because his relationship was over and he was heart-broken (check out his story here). Des did not know that from his perspective and the beliefs he had for how relationships work, that he was destroying his relationship without knowing… The reverse of what he wanted…

Des is not alone… this could be happening to you everyday…

Men and women across the country are just like Des. Without knowing they have created a perspective and beliefs and rules for how relationships work, and they drop this untested system on their relationships.

It’s not long before problems are brewing and arguments start.

Des is not at fault for his lack of understanding of how relationships work, because who in our education system teaches us? NO-ONE!…

But Des has paid the ultimate price and his little boy now is without a father

Most people are blind to the understanding that they DON‘T KNOW, WHAT THEY DON‘T KNOW, and with relationships this is pretty much everyone.

Des’s partner ended the relationship based on a truth from her perspective. Truths from this place are not facts and so the relationship ended for the wrong reasons.

PLEASE don’t assume you know what’s right for your relationship, please find out THE TRUTH, BEFORE THE WRONG TRUTH COMES OUT TO BITE YOU.

If this post has struck a chord with you

  • You can call Stephen Hedger relationship Coach on 0845 519 4808 or
  • You can ask me a question just like Des. Click Free Relationship Advice

Relationship Test – 6 Questions

Complete the relationship test below to discover why your relationship may not be as good as it could be.

If you have any questions about this test then please contact Stephen Hedger Relationship Coach click here

How does your relationship measure up?

Take a few moments to score your relationship below now!

Score yourself from 1-10
1 = never fulfilled  -  10 = totally fulfilled

These questions are about how you feel about what you receive from your partner and if your core needs are being met. If you are unhappy this will start to explain why and in what areas.


Print this page out if that helps

Question 1

How secure does your partner help you to feel in your relationship?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Question 2

Does you partner help you to feel excited about your relationship and future together?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Question 3

Do you feel that you are the most important part of your partners life?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Question 4

How much love do you feel you receive from your partner?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Question 5

Do you feel that your partner is helping to grow your relationship to keep it alive?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Question 6

Does your partner give to you and asks for nothing in return?

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Your scores

Remember these scores are from your own perspective and are therefore up for discussion with your partner, but what you feel is important and can fuel decisions. So find out where you really are in your relationship before you start pressing destruct buttons.

***The scores below are meant to be a guide only, so if you are unsure seek professional help.***

If your scores were 48-60 – Then you are in great shape. Keep an eye on those scores that were lower and ensure that you keep doing more of what is clearly working and do your best to get 10′s all round.

If your scores were 30 – 47 – Then your critical relationship needs are not being met and so this may be causing you to have problems. Look at the areas that are the lowest and see if together you can start to change the behaviours that are causing these problems.

If your scores were below 30 – Then you might be thinking about the chances of you both surviving. You are probably spending more and more time apart. If you are in this place all is never lost and with the right help you can discover the passion you once had for each other.

What did you discover?

Successful relationships can only happen when the core needs of both people in the relationship are being met. The most successful relationships work when the scores to all these questions are high.

This will give you a good snap shot of where your relationship is today and the areas which need help.

If you have scored your partner low, find out why you feel this way and how you can work together to fix this problem you are now both aware of .

There’s more

You can do the test again yourself and mark how you think your partner would score you. Then let them take the test and see how your answers compare.

Please feel free share what have discovered below.