If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.
- That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.
The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.
For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyoneâ€™s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.
From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasnâ€™t quite right for them after all.
They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.
I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.
Two people who donâ€™t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.
- These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!
Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.
The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they donâ€™t.
By this time they could be married and have kids.
Nature never factored in a house
Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.
At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost itâ€™s excitement, we donâ€™t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.
Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.
Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.
Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.
This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.
They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.
It doesn’t have to be this way
Now imagine thisâ€¦ Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.
Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.
If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.
If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.
So you see, if you donâ€™t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.
This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, itâ€™s critical to your happiness.
Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.
- It this has struck a chord with you please get in touch click: Relationship Help