Your relationship is valuable so please look after it…

I see all relationships as the most valuable part of the human experience and I know those people who have chosen to work with me feel the same.

I know if I were speaking from the children’s perspectives they would give us a very clear message of how valuable it is to have their real mum and a dad in their lives.

When you look at the end of a couples relationship the law has a very clear perspective of how to see the value of your relationship broken down in monetary terms.

But all this focus on the money you will lose doesn’t take into account the emotional impact on all those involved.  If children are part of a couples life the impact a divorce can have on them in later life is far greater than many know (which most parents are not aware of). [Read more...]

Men please listen to her with your eyes and connect with what you see

Todays post is to help men become successful with their partners. The fastest way to build the deepest trust is at the point of conflict. Men if you can do this she will see you as her man, her hero, this is what she wants.

If you as a couple can build trust and love out of your conflict you will unleash in her a passionate lover for life for you.

When she is upset she will communicate many things, some hurtful, some true, some not true from your perspective.

I know men you are listening to her words and becoming hurt by all the nasty things she is saying to you. [Read more...]

Let’s talk man-to-man

Many men struggle to understand their wives, partner, girlfriend. In fact this struggle for men is widespread and is such a frustrating place for him to be.

He knows he loves her, but for him she acts as though she doesn’t believe him, or doesn’t trust him. He feels that he can’t win and that she acts as if she doesn’t care about him.

At times he feels she can seem impossible to please and reasoning with her just seems to spark her into a frenzy of accusations that just are not true from his perspective. [Read more...]

How to stop your marriage from dying

Today I’m going share an insight that may help many of you avoid a pitfall I see on a regular basis and get many letters about.

This is widespread and is killing relationships / marriages and destroying families.

In essence some of the information you have grown up with, is like poison for your relationship and is devastating for your children and their relationships, because they are learning from you.

I am going to share with you step-by-step what’s been killing relationships across the country and why.

Please follow this example [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Women

Yesterday we spoke about helping men to be successful with their partners. Today the basic principle of putting yourself in the shoes of your partner is just as critical for her to do for him.

In other words how to understand him and why he does what he does.

One of the biggest sources of pain for most men is the inability to please, or be successful with his partner. The biggest pain for him is knowing he has failed her and he is not her source of pleasure.

Having worked with so many couples over the years I know that many women do not believe that pleasing her is his goal because she feels so dreadful when she is with him. [Read more...]

Relationship Advice For Men

One of the ways to become an amazing partner for her is to understand your partner from her perspective. Too many men only see their world from their own perspective and when he does this she knows he doesn’t understand her.

  • This for her is a significant source of pain and the basis of real problems in relationships today.

When pain strikes many women initially fight and battle with their partner. He sees this battle with her as negative because the fight is proof of something bad for him. [Read more...]

Words are cheap! Show me you mean what you say!

The real power in any successful relationship is in the power of action. There is little point two people saying they love each other and only one person taking the actions which equal love to their partner.

It is critical to find out with your relationships what actions you can take that will help you be successful with them consistently.

Many individuals in a relationship dismiss the critical needs of their partner because they don’t understand them.

This approach causes problems because not only do the couple operate differently as individuals they also experience the world differently based on gender.

When one person in the relationship can only experience the world from their own perspective their partner quickly feels they have little empathy for their needs. [Read more...]

The Staggering Power of Our Perceptions – The good and the bad!

Every situation has many ways to look at it, so when presented with a situation, which way do you choose? Do you look for the good? Or do you look for the bad?

Are you aware of what you create from these two directions of focus? If not then this post is for you.

Our perceptions are very powerful, it puts meaning to situations and our lives, those meanings then craft our behaviours, and our behaviours craft our futures. [Read more...]

How Can I Trust Again?

My post today was inspired by a comment from Meredith on my post Trust Building in Relationships.

She talks about her struggle with trust issues when building a new life and entering new relationships after a spouse’s infidelity and divorce.

Trust in new relationships can become a real issue, especially if you’ve had a bad experience historically, such as infidelity.

In this situation fears can become triggered automatically and give you feelings of wanting to move you away from the possibility of more emotional danger, so building a new relationship can be full of problems driven by fears.

So you are now stuck, knowing you would love to be in a loving relationship, but too fearful to expose yourself again, because you fear what might happen that’s out of your control.

To cure this problem a different perspective and focus is needed.

When individuals come to me with this kind of problem, I help them focus on what they can control.

The question is can you TRUST you?

Can you trust you to find and create a relationship that will meet your core needs? Proof so far is you have got it very wrong without knowing, so you might repeat this again… this focus will drive more fears…

So the goal is to put you back in control…

You see unless you know how to create a strong, lasting passionate relationship that grows through their problems you will always be concerned and lacking in confidence that you might not be able to trust you to…

  1. Know who is right for you?
  2. How to plan and build a relationship?
  3. How to understand your own needs and communicate them?
  4. How to understand your partners’ needs?
  5. How to communicate to him in a way he/she understands?
  6. How to grow security and more love through conflict?
  7. How to keep the passion alive and let go of your fears?

Without confidence in your relationship building skills you could feel exposed to more bouts of trial and error that equal real danger.

  1. You see attraction is easy!
  2. Falling in love is easy!
  3. Having a great relationship whilst it’s going well is easy!

But, building a successful relationship through the ups and downs of life, and that stays passionate, now that’s a skill worth mastering….

So the question is not about trusting them, it’s about you trusting you to create the understanding that will help you avoid the pitfalls, that causes problems, that destroys relationships and leads to destructive actions such as infidelity.

That’s the new goal..!

Problem Solving Skills – Creative Problem Solving For Life Challenges

Wouldn’t it be great, if we never had any problems again?

The reality is not all problems are bad, we need problems to motivate us to action, what’s bad is the way in which we view our problems that keep us stuck, for some they remain stuck for years sometimes for life. What’s needed is effective problem solving skills.

My problem seems impossibe to solve…

You see when individuals come to me for help usually what happened is they have been seeing their problems from only one perspective. That perspective is usually one which makes solving the problem impossible.

For example: Many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel ok, but the more they try this, the more out of control they feel, because people either reject them, or move away from them. [Read more...]

I Spend A Lot Of Time Helping Men Become More Confident Partners

To be honest men are confused with their relationships and it’s not difficult to understand why, from his perspective she doesn’t make sense at all. So my job is to help the men with understanding her so he can be successful with her again.

Typical questions from men?

  • She wants equality in the relationship, but she wants to be treated like a lady?
  • She wants security in the relationship, but the money I make doesn’t make her feel secure with me?
  • She disrespects me in arguments and says awful things, but she tells me what she really wants is love. How do you love someone who’s screaming at you?
  • I tell her I love her, but weeks later she wants to hear it again, does she not believe me?
  • When she talks to me I try to fix her problems, but all she gets is crosser.
  • The more I try to please her, the more irritated she becomes.
  • Whatever I do never seems to make her happy.
  • She seems to be getting so tough and distant I keep out of her way.
  • I buy her loads of presents, but nothing cheers her up.

These are just a few perspectives I get from men.

All of these questions have very easy answers, but from a mans perspective it feels impossible, he will feel like he has tried everything and failed.

Why because men and women think totally differently, the differences are very real and through this lack of understanding massive problems can come out of confusion.

The truth is he has only tried what he knows and there is a lot he is not aware of. Being female being one of them.

It is this simple knowledge and new perspective of understanding each other differently that builds confidence that he can be successful with her again.

This is one of the keys to why I can be so successful with couple so quickly.

Lack of understanding creates fears and the fears destroy the relationships.

Of course this is not a one way street, women need to understand their men too and women are equally confused.

  • If you love each other and want fast answers then get in touch today! Click here

If Your Relationship Is Not Growing It’s Dying! The Solution is Simple…

When couples in trouble come to me for help, the first thing I know is whatever they have both been doing is going to be killing the relationship.

Unfortunately most couples only come for help at the point where they feel they have nothing to lose because the relationship is at the end.

My advice to all couples is, when you start to feel that the relationship is not working get help quickly. The most challenging couple to save is the one where one person is totally convinced the relationship is the wrong one. Yes I can help, but it takes longer.

At the moment any couple goes into conflict the relationship is potentially vulnerable to destruction. Because most people don’t have any kind of relationship education, destruction is sadly the path they both usually take.

What if every argument ended in a stronger love?

So my goal with couples is to help them understand their primary goal at this point of conflict. I help them understand what is going on for each other and why both people are responding in the way they are. Fundamentally men and women are very different, so they operate differently, this causes confusion fear and more problems.

Usually the couple discover that although they don’t like their partners’ reactionary behaviour they understand that their partners’ intention is usually positive.

Once the couple start to see their individual “intention” is not to hurt each other the couple are then open to understanding from a new perspective rather than judging which then leads to punishment.

You see if a couple at the point of conflict can grow then the couple can start to both feel more secure together. What I am looking for is an understanding of the primary needs that drive the individuals so I can show them how they can both meet these needs in conflict and “love” becomes the result…

…Imagine that…

This is one of the primary reasons I help so many couples so quickly. A few simple change can make such a big difference…

Don’t hesitate make contact today: Click here

She is impossible to please

When you see as many couples as I do, you can’t help but see patterns emerge. She is impossible to please is one of the typical beliefs that men come into sessions with. It’s not true of course, but from his perspective it is AND HE HAS PROOF!

What usually happens is he has tried everything except what really works. He will use male logic to solve her situation and when he has exhausted every option and still fails he will give up, left with the feeling… “She is impossible to please” .

The reason he fails is simple and is why he can’t solve their problem, he is trying to please her from the perspective of  a man. She is not a man so his solutions will never work. If he were to put himself in her shoes he would notice a different world and a different solution.

So guys if you are having constant relationship problems, you are likely to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

The challenge she faces is: When he feels she is impossible to please this for him is one of the biggest sources of pain. It is proof that maybe he is not enough and maybe he will never get the love he needs. This could mean he gets weaker, he leaves, has an affair, bullies her and so on, none of which will work for her and the relationship will start to break down. If you have children they will be feeling the pain so please act quickly.

I have to help men understand what they have to do to be successful with her.

What I help him to learn is things like

  • How to understand her and what she means when she speaks
  • How to stop making her problems about him
  • How to understand her core need and fulfil his own at the same time
  • What has to happen for her to engage sexually
  • How to help her feel amazing about her and attach those feeling to him.
  • How to stop judging her.
  • How to look after her when she is in pain, even pain caused by him
  • How to help her create a future that she can get excited about.
  • How to give and love unconditionally

When a man learns how to serve and protect his partner in the way she needs, he will meet his own needs through giving to her. This will help him to feel great, plus she will feel wonderful and look for many ways to help him feel great too.

Women Want A Real Man!!!

Most woman reading this will share this view “Women Want A Real Man” and in their mind have their own version of what that means. What she thinks and feels, needs to be respected and most of all listened to.

I strongly urge all men to read this:

I also know that men want to be able to please their partner, they feel terrible inside when they feel they can’t, or they feel they have tried and tried, but it’s hopeless.

So with these two desires, her wanting to be loved in the way she wants and him with the burning desire to please her and make her happy this should be easy, RIGHT? You’d think!

So let’s go some way to define what a Real Man is from a womans perspective. [Read more...]

Connecting the dots

As we head towards Christmas and the new year I want to share with you a video I watch every year at about this time. It is always for me a time of reflection.

When I look back on where I have come from I am always reminded of this amazing speech made by Steve Jobs (co-founder, Chairman, and CEO of Apple Inc and former CEO of Pixar Animation Studios).

It’s this perspective on work and life that reminds me why I do what I do. Hope you enjoy it as much as I.

Is Your Sub Conscious Mind Sabotaging Your Life?

Have you ever considered the possibility that the world in which you live in has programmed you to behave the way you do today.

For those of you that are sceptical, ask yourself why the government has banned advertisers wanting to use subliminal advertising. The reason is it works at deep level with our minds and can change our behaviours without us knowing.

If this is possible, what have we been programmed to do and think without knowing, the simple answer is probably far more than we would like.

When you think about it you are programmed to do lots of things without thinking, or understanding why you do what you do. Some things don’t matter such as, how you always brush your teeth, or which shoe you always put on first.

BUT there are other things, important things you will have set up just like those without knowing that will be affecting your perception and behaviour in the world you live in.

How much of our own thoughts do we actually own, and how much has been given to us by our journey through life.

Put another way, what has your mind been fed? If you do not have the life you are after then you must have been fed the wrong programme to get what you don‘t want.

What’s important to learn here is, it is us that creates our life and our futures. This puts us back in control so we can start to learn what programme(s) do we need to load or feed our minds to get what we desire most.

The starting point is to not always believe your own thoughts and hype. Look at how you behave and the actions you take. This is far more telling than what you say.

A persons belief system is not fact, yet people act as if their beliefs are facts. It is this illusion that helps individuals stay stuck in lives they don’t want or create havoc in relationships they do want.

Everyone has to be open to the possibility that what they understand of their world is just one perspective and this could have all the design features to destroy the very thing they want to have or keep.

If life is not the way it should be for you then maybe now is the time to understand what is going wrong and how to change it.

If your behaviours are hurting you, you are running the wrong programme or pattern. Or put another way you are consistently behaving in a way that gives you the reverse of what you want.

Is this happening to you?

Call Stephen Hedger today!

How To Stop Arguing?

The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…

…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.

Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.

  • The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?

The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.

Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then you’ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.

Arguments go round in circles

Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.

So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.

This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.

Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.

Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.

So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.

Remember it’s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created that  equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner can’t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.

The Steps To Getting Over A Break Up

I see people from all walks of life broken hearted due to the break up of their relationship. Hard as they try they cannot seem to get their painful feelings to go away.

Everything is a reminder of what they have lost, and instead of the painful feelings fading as everyone promised their feelings just seem to carry on relentlessly.

For people who experience this it’s like they are stuck in time, the world is moving around them, but they are frozen never really sure what to do to help themselves.

I see a lot of people seeking help with their break up. Below are the steps I take to help these people go from helplessness to living fun and happy lives again.

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that builds self-esteem and confidence

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

The steps in more detail

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

Due to the shock of the actual break up and the possible months and sometimes years of problems leading to the break up, individuals can live very distorted lives. They can also create illusions of how wonderful their relationship is or was and keep remembering that perfect image. Whatever distortion they are experiencing my first job is to understand what they are doing to create the feelings they don’t want.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values.

Step-by-step through critical questions the clients watches a reality they never knew existed unfold before their eyes. What this uncovers is the real truth behind why they were so unhappy in the relationship. This takes off the distortion the client used to experience as the truth. I will also help the client to collapse the meanings behind the distorted images they created that leads them to despair.

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that build self-esteem and confidence.

The next step is to build the clients inner strength through further understanding of how they work and why they do what they do. This can take the form of a deeper knowledge of their past and how the different versions of them were created and what they were created for. This process uncovers more truth and understanding that moves the client away from their past fears and towards a place of freedom, peace and happiness.

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

Get the client to commit to taking massive action towards creating a different story. We all create stories of our lives and so when one story ends a new one emerges. The goal is to create a story that is so compelling and powerful it dwarfs the old one thus completing the change.

The client learns how to create a win-win situation for his or her life. Relationship break up is a time for growth if approached in a constructive way.

At the end of these session the client discovers that they are armed to be able to control their emotional states and know how to choose partners that are more compatible with them. They then go into relationships with their eyes wide open know what to look for and what will make them happy.

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

How To Avoid Splitting-Up?

One of the biggest challenges that any couple in trouble faces is their own perceptions and beliefs about their relationships and their problems.

This is because after time spent focused on their problems a couple can get a distorted vision of their relationship and how it fits into what they thought their life should be like.

Unfortunately from this place they can decide that splitting up is their best, or only option… BUT! Just because they can’t find a solution it does not mean there isn’t one.

The question that gets to your truth is this…

  • How can we trust our perspective if we don’t know how our perspective is created
    and specifically what influences it?

OUR PERSPECTIVE… equals a meaning we give an event(s) based on our own life experiences so far, our state of mind at the time, our values for what’s important to us, the rules we have attached to our values.

Our perspective is also influenced by how we are meeting our needs that we maybe meeting yet conflicting with our most critical values for happiness.

When you consider all this plus how we generalise and distort information to fit our belief systems that were set up unconsciously, how can anyone trust in a state of fear (which is where most couples in trouble are) know as a fact that splitting up is the best decision and will make them happy?

The simple answer is they can’t..!

All they know is today they are not happy and they don’t want to feel that way any more.

This is why my first job as a relationship coach is to help all my clients understand the truth about their relationship before any decisions can be made…