She 100% wanted a divorce UNTIL she learnt this…

So when a person has spent years suffering in a marriage it stands to reason that leaving that marriage is the correct decision.

Well… the answer to this is not always.

There are certain situations where someone can make a decision to leave their marriage and discover later they have made a terrible mistake and will have to live with that regret forever.

For those that have children, they can then suffer from terrible guilt.

My regular readers know I’m not a fan of blindly fixing all relationships because some people really shouldn’t be together…

…BUT I am a huge fan of helping people discover their truth.

So the story you are about to read can relate to many of my past clients, to help you to see what I saw I’m going to share one particular story.

A lady married with small children had decided her marriage was over and told me so in the first session whilst her husband sat helplessly looking at the floor. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]

What is really causing your relationship problems?

When couples try to solve their relationship problems most will notice they will either be making them worse or some will try to bury them as a means to move on and stay together.

What I see is people doing their best to get to a good place but without really understanding the structure of their problem and what is really blocking their success.

The key to helping a couple reconnect regardless of their situation is to help them see the structure of their problems so they are armed to work together as a team to battle their problems rather than each other.

The first mission is stopping the couple making their problem worse.

By understanding the core structure of the problem and learning the tools to navigate their way out of their issues the couple can avoid solving the wrong problems. [Read more...]

Why do so many couples struggle to communicate?

Have you ever wondered why so many intimate couples across the globe are struggling to get through to each other?

Effective communication for so many couples can seem almost impossible but it’s, of course, critical for the health and longevity of the relationship.

Couples that can’t communicate can find they lose trust and respect for each other as they try to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partners attack on their character.

Some go round in circles, some have the same argument over and over, some bicker about everything and anything and some just give up.

If you were to speak to both parties they will be 100% convinced they are being clear and yet their partner can take their words and make them mean something totally different.

Some people are so flabbergasted by their partners’ behaviours they embark on a quest to help them become more like them because life would be easier that way. Be more like me is their solution and is usually a recipe for disaster.  [Read more...]

7 Mistakes couples are making that can lead them to divorce

When I started researching relationships I was staggered at how much information I had to learn. For example, every couple is totally unique and they have created very unique ways to experience their problem(s). 

This meant every couple requires totally unique solutions based on a well-defined plan to help them solve their specific problem(s). This results in couples needing multiple approaches to interrupt and permanently correct corrosive patterns.

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of those patterns that help couple lose their connection without them knowing. This post is designed to help any couple reading this stop making their situations worse by either stopping the corrosive behaviour or to seeking help to stop out of control patterns.

1. Lose connection with yourself

It’s so easy to lose a connection with yourself in a relationship. [Read more...]

Should she leave him?

How many people feel real physical and emotional pain through their relationship and use that message to leave their marriage?

Naturally, it makes total sense for anyone to leave a relationship that’s full of pain.

So if it keeps being painful then obviously the relationship is the problem so leaving it will stop the pain – right?

Well, I helped this lady learn that she would be safer if she took a deeper look.

[Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

Should we continue with our marriage?

My husband and I have been married 17 years and in recent years had been hitting the same wall of not understanding each other resulting in defensive behaviour, anger, frustration and indifference. 

The future certainly didn’t look bright and with the prospect of our two sons leaving home, neither of us were sure if we wanted to continue with our marriage.

We had sought other marriage counselling earlier in our marriage and although it had helped to some extent, it hadn’t got to the nub of the problem.  We decided to seek Stephen’s help and went with an open mind and a sense of relief that we were, at least, doing something about the problems we faced.

Over the course of six months, Stephen saw us both together and separately.  We grew to trust him and his methods.  In the beginning, we could park our problems with him and give ourselves a rest from the nagging feeling that our marriage was doomed with the resulting sense of fear for the future.

Stephen’s methods are subtle, yet illuminating.

He’s kind and funny and a great listener.  He explains why we behave the way we do.  He points out the marked differences between men and women. He gives you tools to cope with the challenges of marriage and how to nurture it.

There are ‘light bulb’ moments but mostly his approach is subtle and so long as you are prepared to listen and act – you will fix your marriage.

I know, because, my husband and I are now looking forward to a bright future.  We want to be together and build on the life we’ve created.

Thank you so much, Stephen.

J.D.

Glos

“The root cause of marriage problems”

Getting to the root of the problem has to be the goal for any couple in crisis. So many couples are struggling because as they try to fix their problems they notice it gets worse. This means they are either fixing their problem badly, or they are fixing the wrong problem.

For some couples, they stop trying to fix it and it silently deteriorates and others can have one person who is in denial that they even have a problem.

My advice is any problem no matter how small are signals that a change is required, the key to your success is understanding the correct change to make and then take action. This is why I work on a diagnose and prescribe model to help couples get out of trouble fast.

Many simply can’t believe their partner can’t understand what seems so simple to them.

  • Some couples are having the same arguments so they think they understand what the root problem is.
  • Some couples don’t argue at all, so they are confused as to why the relationship is even struggling.
  • Some couples are having very different arguments so even though they are unhappy nothing seems to be at the cause.

The root cause is so important to get to because if you fix a symptom the root problem will only create a different symptom. [Read more...]

Masculine Women in Relationships

When a couple comes to see me it’s highly likely they have been suffering for a while so I do expect both people to have lost sight of who they really are in their marriage.

One of the challenges I see again an again is when a woman has taken on a masculine energy and it’s destructive for both people.

To be clear men can play a significant role in women becoming masculine, but that will not be covered in this post.

Masculine energy for women can be very useful for her or it can be destructive without her knowing.

Masculine energy can be useful so she can protect and stand up for herself and her children. It can be useful in business. I know and admire many very powerful women in business.  [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

“Problem Partners” Uncovering the mask

Many couples struggle when one person starts to develop a personal problem of some kind. They struggle because the relationship cannot grow because of their problem and in many cases, it’s been dying for years because of this problem.

In today’s post, I’m going to talk about some of those problems I see and what could be going on for them and their marriage.

Last year I saw a lady who was depressed. After spending time with her I discovered her depression was designed to mask a deeper challenge for her.

She was afraid to open up in a relationship and so remained closed as a means to protect herself using depression (something she could create) as the problem everyone could see and focus on.

By helping her understand how the depression was created and how to be safe in a relationship she now has her life back.

A gentleman came reluctantly came to see me with his wife. [Read more...]

Why do people leave their marriages?

When you start to understand the real reasons why people leave marriages then you can start to create the solutions that work.

Affairs, money problems, boredom, power struggles, loss of love, loss of passion, loss of trust these are all symptoms of the real problem.

I see so many couples who have suffered for years with each other and within a short space of time have successfully reconnected. Their problems are diverse and their solutions were all different, but they all had the same deep-rooted problems.

What’s the hidden problem?

What is it that’s causing us so much pain and disconnection? Do people just naturally fall out of love or is there more to this than meets the eye? [Read more...]

He wanted to know what to do to fix it…

My mission is very simple, empower individuals to become valuable to themselves their partner and their relationship so they can be effective leaders for their children and each other.

To achieve this I offer 3 very simple steps to achieve 2 very powerful goals.

  1. I commit to my clients to provide a very clear theory as to why the process they are going through with me works as long as they follow it.
  2. Give them easy to learn steps that deal with complex challenges.
  3. I help the couple apply this knowledge practically to their marriage.

The two goals couples need to achieve is first to breakthrough their presenting challenges. The next goal is to make sure they have all the tools they need to successfully navigate their lives together. [Read more...]

“We need a second opinion fast! – We’ve been told we should divorce?”

“You need to divorce!” This was the message a couple was given by a lady that had been helping them through their marital crisis.

A couple came to me with this story not sure what to do.

It’s an important story to share because ending a marriage is life changing. With so many people making mistakes they end up regretting it’s so important for couples to get to grips with why they are really in trouble.

It’s also important that you get the right help for your specific challenge. I remember another couple sharing with me a story where they got into deeper crisis by trying to fix what they thought was a sexual problem with a sex therapist.

Logical thought as they were not having sex… BUT! – The real problem they had was rooted in a deep emotional disconnection and this was causing their sexual disconnection.

So they briefed someone to help them fix a symptom rather than a cause. This nearly broke that marriage.

So back to the first couple – this is what this couple shared with me… [Read more...]

Top 7 relationship mistakes that lead couples to severe marital stress and many to divorce

I spend year after year with couples from all over the world who travel to see me to gain life-changing solutions to some of the most challenging marital issues.

Living day-to-day with all these couples in varying degrees of crisis helps me to see that so many couples are creating very common problems in their own relationship without even realising.

So today I’m going to share with you what I’m seeing so you can look at what is happening in your own relationship.

Each one of these points below is critical to thoroughly understand: [Read more...]

Loss of love – Passionless Marriage – Affairs

During this time of year, my thoughts go to the reality of so many couples and families who are suffering due to the breakdown of their marriage. If you are in this horrible situation then please learn all you can so you are in a position to make the right choices for your relationship.

Naturally, there are couples that really shouldn’t be together…

…but there are so many that were at the end – lost and stuck not sure which way to turn and with the right direction they have rebuilt their connection and become a team where they now have each others backs.

These successful couples started to learn something new that helped them see the reality of their situation.

Learning is the key to successfully rebuilding a relationship. [Read more...]

“A path to a better relationship in 2018″

There is no question that creating a lifelong relationship is a significant challenge. So many couples are having problems because they are missing so much information when they first start their relationship which they are going to need for it to survive.

Sadly they don’t know this when they get together. Few people are looking for this critical information because the start of the relationship is giving them most if not all of what they need to feel happy.

So naturally, who wants to fix a problem we don’t have? Totally makes sense – right!

Unfortunately, many of us have been sold on the “happy ever after” not aware that we need a to approach our relationship in a very different way to ensure both people remain connected and excited for life. [Read more...]