Why so many couples fail to fix their problems!

We all know how complex marital relationships can be, but when things start to go wrong, multilayered complexities can directly affect a persons thoughts and feelings. This impacts how they view their partner and the relationship.

So I’m going to share why so many couple are struggling over a series of posts this is the first one to uncover these destructive complexities.

To set the scene:

Typically someone can find themselves moving from finding their partner attractive to feeling they have to protect themselves from their partner on some level.

This specific experience is a danger for the relationship and can help couples play out patterns of behaviour that go round in circles and usually end badly. [Read more...]

10 Rules for Rebuilding a Broken Marriage

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage no matter what’s happened.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships in my 20’s. With this knowledge I could have save my self a lot of time and discomfort.

Before you read these rules at the end of this post I have an FREE offer for you.

So here are the 10 rules [Read more...]

“Keys to a successful marriage”

Relationships are a struggle for so many people. I expect what’s lead you to reading this is you too could be struggling to make sense of the challenges you face today. Relationships used to be a struggle for me too. In fact, I spent many years suffering because what I knew back then was not nearly enough to help me succeed. Sadly it took me years to understand this.

So In todays post I’m going to share some of what I learnt and how I apply it in my marriage to Cloe.

At the age of 22 I became really interested in how relationships work and why they don’t. The reason I began this quest was simple, I loved being in a relationship, but I quickly realised the women I was dating were negative, moody, inconsistent and unreasonable. I concluded back then they were all crazy…

I was clearly stupid… but It took me a few years to work this out. [Read more...]

You have marriage problems but what does it really mean?

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships unnecessarily. The problem many couples face is they are totally unaware of what’s needed to make their relationship work and by work I mean passionate intimate connection for life.

So in todays post I going to share some key information that could help you understand why problems occur and what to do about them.

Before I do I want to answer the question, “…what do my marriage problems really mean?”

Marriage problems are normal and simply a sign that a change in the relationship is now required. It doesn’t mean the marriage is dead, wrong, or the couple are incompatible.

Many couples sit for years in a cycle of destruction. They go round in circles because they are constantly trying to fix the wrong problem(s).

Constantly trying to fix the wrong problem is totally exhausting and the couple ultimately can run of energy with each other. This results in the loving connection they once felt can start to be replaced with bitterness, frustration, numbness, detachment and resentments to name a few.

A person in this place has the ability to rewrite the relationships story so they can justify their exit.

So if you’re seeking help with your marriage, you’ll have a window of opportunity to get to the core problems your facing and solve them before someone has had enough and calls time.

When couples come to me, I have to help them to see where the problems really are so they can put their effort into those critical areas fast. This is why couples that should be together, but are in crisis can start to see significant improvements in their marriages within a few meetings.

Problems are occurring in all relationships because the following topics are not understood.

Men and women are like a different species: Men and women’s behaviour in intimate relationships are totally different, – I’ll repeat: TOTALLY DIFFERENT. The lack of understanding of these differences causes massive problems as they struggle to be on the same page on many areas in the relationship. What’s challenged is everything, communication, sexual connection, conflict, parenting, money the list is endless. So it’s critical to stop judging and start watching, listing and learning. You can’t turn a woman into a man and expect her to be happy or visa-versa.

Repair your problems fast: Because couples struggle to understand their partner they will naturally struggle to repair the relationship so both people can let their problems go. This is a significant problem because unless the relationship is repaired properly one or both people can start to stack resentments. Resentment staking leads to disconnection which can lead couples to divorce.

Understand your roles: Men and women have specific roles, I have not yet met a couple who already knew the roles that sets the relationship up to keep their attraction alive for life. Roles are understood through the energy that nature has designed for us to keep attraction alive, combined with the core identities that help us to feel good as men and women in our relationships.

Get this wrong and we end up with men that are either seen as masculine bullies, or weak men. Women can end up introverted/submissive, or overly masculine and controlling.

Learn the rules that grow deeper connection: When couples come into meet me, I hear critical relationship rules are being broken constantly in every couple. Knowing the rules that keep the relationship safe is a must for any couple.

Remember your mission is to help your partner feel great and attach great feelings to you. So anything you do that helps them feel bad will also be helping them to meet their critical needs away from you, so it’s important to keep them anchored to you.

Here are a few rules to bear in mind that will help you avoid a bad attachment to you.

  • Never make your partner wrong.
  • Never try to be right, or win arguments.
  • Never question their identity, or who they are.
  • Get out of patterns that clearly don’t work.
  • Never ever threaten the end of the relationship
  • Make sure your commitment to the relationship is the best possible version of you.
  • Make steps everyday to help your partner feels important, special, loved.
  • Never compare your relationship or your partner to others.

These are a few areas of focus I help couples to learn so they can start the process of breaking through their current problems and build foundations that create the platform to lasting love and passion.

These lessons are critical for any relationship no matter what stage it’s in.

  • Getting people out of marital crisis.
  • Helping those that are not sure to discover the truth in their marriage.
  • Reignite passion in loveless marriages
  • Make average relationships safer and alive
  • Newly weds who want to avoid the pitfalls
  • Great for those looking for new relationship and want to make sure they pick the right person.

If this has struck a chord and you would like help make contact with us so we can find the right solution for you.

The Real Reason – Marriages Die & How To Stop It?

The trend I see in couples with all manner of problems is a significant decline over time in their desire to invest in their relationship. They spend more time at the office, with their kids, with friends, family or hobbies.

Of course if you don’t feed a relationship what it needs it will naturally die.

The reasons people stop investing are varied

  • Circular conflicts
  • Power struggles
  • Inability to communicate
  • Loss of intimacy
  • Loss of love
  • Emotional detachment
  • Abandonment
  • Loss of passion
  • Boredom
  • Can’t see a future together

This list could go on and on… BUT are these the REAL reason a marriage will die? [Read more...]

“Our marriage is in crisis! Tell us exactly what we have to do to fix it?”

If your marriage isn’t working for any reason it’s a horrible experience, so when you have exhausted all avenues what next?

This lady has kindly taken time to share her experience of a first meeting with Stephen (The initial Consultation). She wanted a way forward, but really couldn’t see how they could ever make it work.

Q: What attracted you to Stephen?

A: I looked online trying to get a bit of help just because I didn’t know any other way and Stephens website stood out in terms of what he offered, it would appear that all the other counsellors and therapists just sort of listen and don’t actually give any advice. [Read more...]

3 Steps to an Amazing Relationship

I don’t know about you, but l like to make my life easy. I like simple steps that add massive value to my life. Easy things I can do almost without thinking about them.

Look at how I think about my day: In theory I have millions of things to focus on, but I choose to focus on just 3. My health, my marriage to the beautiful Cloe, and my Clients. As long as I add value to those three things every day life is growing in a meaningful way and it’s easy.

So in todays post I’m going to breakdown three critical areas of focus that most couples don’t do, but should. Without these three areas being looked after the relationship either will suffer, or the relationship will become vulnerable. [Read more...]

Marriage in trouble? Need a rescue action plan?

Unless a couple understands how to create a meaningful connection for both people it’s not long before all couples will start to experience problems. 

As you go through this post you will read about a couple who was at the end and they needed a swift rescue plan as they were starting to talk about divorce.

No matter how good their relationship, all couples will break it. All couples have a problem and this is NOT knowing how to repair it successfully.

How many times do couples find themselves arguing today about problems from years ago? This is an indicator of old problems not being solved and today they are just another stacked resentment. [Read more...]

Want to learn the skills and tools to stop the problems and make your relationship work again?

After developing a marriage breakthrough program for couples in crisis and applying it to the man on the street, major celebrities, to business leaders and entrepreneurs and successfully bringing these couples back from the brink of divorce time-after-time.

Here are a few of the key principals I have learnt on this amazing journey with couples right on the edge of divorce.

1. The most important focus for any couple.

I have learnt that this decision is critical not just in maintaining a successful marriage, but an essential part of the relationship building process.

Put your partner first..! If your partner feelsthat anything is more important than them expect problems. What could affect them could be anything from the attractive single person in the office, to a seemingly non-threatening hobby. This is really important, no matter what, they have to feel they come first… [Read more...]

#701: Marriages are failing because of a lack of action

Couples are not seeing the danger they are in until the danger is upon them. Lack of action causes the many problems that ultimately lead a couple to divorce.

Couples who are looking to stop their problems must now take the action(s) that are going to heal the specific situation they are in. They must then take the action(s) that ensures the relationship will last.

What the couples were not aware of is they should have been taking specific actions from the first day they met.

The problem: People feel good when they first meet and they don’t question why, or how their feeling(s) were created. [Read more...]

#699: All Roads Lead to Rome: Divorce Prevention

If you want to save your marriage, or simply keep it safe from problems then please take a few moments to absorb a fundamental life skill you are going to need.

People who decide that leaving the relationship is a good idea are doing so because they reach what they feel is a dead end. For many this dead end feeling can lead them to take actions they might regret so it’s important to help them if you can.

This is where they can land… [Read more...]

#695: What do you do when you think your marriage is over?

When a couples marriage is hitting the rocks it’s hard enough, but when one person then becomes vulnerable to a third party what chance does this couple now have to save their marriage?

Even they were skeptical it could be saved.

Todays post is a transcript of an interview conducted with two clients Belinda and John a married couple who were on the verge of divorce. The interview was conducted after they had been through “The Marriage Breakthrough Program”. [Read more...]

#692: In marital crisis? Why talking about your problems may not be the answer?

Many couples in crisis try to sit down and talk about their problems. They have the best of intentions to solve their problems, but the result is more bad feeling.

How frustrating!

To be 100% clear I am NOT telling couples to stop talking. Cloe and I make it our mission to have meaningful connection every day. When couples I work with are out of crisis this what they are also taught to do.

What this post is about is when to know when talking is counterproductive and you need a new approach. [Read more...]

“I’ve spent years trying to change my husband – What did you say to him?”

The biggest challenge couples with marriage problems face is not taking action quick enough. They don’t see a very real danger that’s right in front of them. They wait and wait until it gets really bad for both people and then they seek help.

The story your about to read is why it’s so important not to wait. If she would have waited until she was ready to get help they would have lost their marriage. He did what any man should do, he stepped up in a quest to save his relationship.

So this couple were booked in for an initial consultation with me. I had spoken on the phone initially with the husband so I had a little background on their story.

He told me his wife was very nervous and very skeptical that a meeting with me would do any good. I told him she would be looked after and to communicate to her my mission was to get the best possible solution for them both.

On the day of their initial consultation I received an email telling me his wife had changed [Read more...]

“My partner says they don’t love me anymore – what do I do?”

If your partner is telling you their love for you has died, there are a few very powerful things you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.

Loss of love doesn’t happen over night and can be a total mystery to their partner which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.

The things you should do, most people don’t do….

…and the things they shouldn’t do, they almost always do.

So the first thing you must NOT do is PANIC!

Loss of love is something the person has created within them, so it means it’s not permanent and can be undone with the right approach. [Read more...]

Learning how to repair your relationship is the most critical relationship skill you can learn today!

If you want to learn how to repair your relationship this post is for you. Relationships are extremely valuable and they need looking after if you want to keep them alive, so today you will learn one key skill that’s the foundation to rebuilding your relationship.

The challenge with this is most couples don’t know how to look after the relationship and sadly many are not even aware they have to, they think it should just happen. To be clear successful relationship don’t just happen they are created…

So many couples go in to sadness, anger, frustration and unhappiness – detachment because ‘together’ they have starved the relationship of what it needs to survive.

The relationship then starts to breaks down as the trust dies and no one really knows what to do to stop it. One of both people will then become fearful which can accelerate the process.

How I see relationships in it’s simplest form is their are two banks you need to keep your eye on.

One is the “Bank of Pleasure”, the other is the “Bank of Resentment”.

Most couples start their relationship with the “Bank of Pleasure” high and the “Bank of Resentment” low so naturally it feels good.

As the relationship progresses and the couple start to be challenged by their differences, their day-to-day life stresses and their focus turns to what they think they should or shouldn’t be getting.

Resentment starts to grow in the marriage and their focus moves slowly away from what’s great about the relationship and moves towards what’s wrong – it’s this shift of focus that’s catastrophic.

If the person spends long enough in the “what’s wrong land” the person will start a natural defence process that will end up with them feeling emotionally numb, or constantly anxious on red alert for problems and what they mean.

So to stop the relationship getting to this point what the couple needs is a far greater understanding of how to repair the relationship when trouble strikes.

The challenge is one or both people in the relationship are going to need to acquire some new skills.

Skill one: Get on the same page with the real issue(s)!

They need new skills because to successfully repair the relationship they are going to have to be on the same page understanding what the real challenge is.

This is a big problem! Almost every couples that comes to see me thinks their problem(s) is one thing, only to discover it’s something totally different.

What’s worse is the couple usually don’t agree what their problem is, and then wonder why they have been going round in circles for years.

So they are not a team focused on fixing the same problem, they are in a battle fighting for the other side to see the problem from their perspective.

Getting on the same page with understanding the real problem is the start to repairing the relationship. No matter how bad things get, the moment there is an alignment then two people are together in a shared reality.

This is a foundation that enables the couple to grow, but only if they have the right tools.

I talk to couples about learning how to create and grow a brand new relationship based on genuine foundations. Not a rehash of the old one!

When couples really learn how to understand each other and what’s really important to each other then the relationship can really grow.

If your ready to take that step and want to learn the critical skills for repairing and building a passion connected relationship you can do that one-on-one with me in Harley Street London.

To get started please make contact or book online today.

At a Glance: Relationship Building Programs available to you with Stephen Hedger

  • If you are in marital crisis you may need a tailor made 12 week Marriage Breakthrough Program.
  • If you NOT in crisis, but going round in circles then you may need a 6 week Relationship Repair Program.
  • If your in personal crisis then you may need a 4, 8 or 12 week Personal Breakthrough Program.

If your interested in any of Stephen’s programs either

Book an initial consultation so Stephen can assess what you need click here, or call to discover more information.

 

“Why are we in crisis?”

No matter what you feel is the reason for your crisis, getting to the root cause is critical to help you move forward.

So many couples come in to my programs feeling they know what their real problem is only to discover a far deeper and much more powerful force is at play either within the individual(s), or within the dynamic, or sometimes both.

I have written historically about the idea that couples with marital problems always bring to me ‘symptoms’.

These are things like: Loss of love, Parenting Misalignment, Stress, Depression, Affairs, Money problems, Circular conflict, Controlling behaviours, Power struggles, Loss of passion/sexual attraction.

These are just a few of the many challenges couples are focused on and are trying to fix. [Read more...]

Marriage Problems? The solution is there all you need is courage to discover it!

The only way to build a successful marriage is to have the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife and learn what’s at the root of your problems – NOT being who you are is a fundamental issue and one of the  root problems that leads many couples to wrongly divorce. 

What you’re about to read will go against the grain for so many people who sadly end up learning the hard way. BUT I know that those that are ready to learn will be ready to see their truth and stop years of suffering through answers that free them, just like so many couples that work with me each year.

At the end of this post you will read about a couple who left my Marriage Breakthrough Program last week who embraced what you are about to read below…

Are you ready? 

For any marriage to work you both need the courage to be open, vulnerable and connected to what you believe in and say is important. I see so many people, they tell me values like love, kindness, wisdom, integrity are just a few of their values.

Yet when questioned we find that they don’t practice, or become what they say is important from within their marriage. Many expect this from others, but not from themselves. [Read more...]

Unhappy marriage? Couples are shocked to learn their problems are not quite what they thought?

There are three relationships in any marriage, that’s right three!… and if you don’t get these right then please expect problems.

When relationships go wrong many people assume they feel bad because of their partners behaviours, or lack of them. This can of course have an significant effect in terms of their feelings. It’s critical to know what really created those feelings because a person wanting to leave a marriage is going to use their feelings as their guide to a better life.

If you want the real truth in your marriage then you’ll have to look at all three powerful influencers.

What about the other two relationships that will and do form a powerful part of the mix?

The other two relationships are the ones the two people in the marriage have with themselves. This is usually overlooked, but it forms a significant part of the journey I take couples through.

I have seen so many couples get their relationship back on track because they have discovered how to have a significantly better relationship with themselves. [Read more...]

Saving a marriage step-by-step

So what are the steps to saving a marriage from divorce? This answer to this question is dependant on where the couple is in their current process. If you get this wrong it’s very possible to make a bad situation much worse.

A couple who both want the relationship to work require a very different strategy to a couple where one person is so detached they can’t see how the marriage could ever work. A couple who fall victim to an infidelity require a different approach to a couple where one person no longer feels they are in love with their partner.

To be clear, with the right approach many situations are solvable, but you can’t use the same strategy for all situations. I hear many inexperienced professionals working with couples and making them feel ten times worse, as they have paid the professional to watch them argue or they feel judged. [Read more...]