Stopping the battles and power struggles

In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.

When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.

Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need. [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage?

If an individual or couple really wants to save their marriage they have to understand how they are going to positively influence their situation.

When a marriage goes into crisis what the individuals in the relationship do next could change their lives forever so taking swift action is critical because once a problem takes hold shifting it is a really challenge especially if you don’t know how.

Many people make it far worse without knowing and they panic letting their fears take hold making the situation far worse.

Every situation is different and every couple needs help that’s tailored for their specific situation.

Through this post I cannot tell you what to do in your personal crisis to save your marriage because your best action will be different to the next couple. [Read more...]

This is powerful…

If you want to get your partner back into the relationship, if you want to understand why you feel so bad in your relationship, if you want to avoid a divorce and build a successful relationship you are going to need the following information.

This information you are about to learn we should all have learnt long before we go into any relationship, because it’s critical for the couples long-term survival together.

When couples start to struggle with their relationship what they are not understanding is three critical factors are at play. [Read more...]

Are you passionate about your relationship? If so this is for you…

If you want your relationship/marriage to work then learning the answer to this question will be a monumental jump forward for any couple to explore.

Question: What really has to happen for couples to stay connected in a meaningful way for life? 

Many couples are only learning they should have known the answer to this question after they survived their own personal crisis…

These couples have lived a half life with each other, coping and existing, never really connecting at a level which would have worked long-term. [Read more...]

When is divorce the right solution?

It may come as surprise to learn that my job is NOT to fix couples relationships. My job is to help them learn the truth. So a couple might come for help and one person can have the belief that leaving the marriage is the only solution.

Their belief can be very wrong and with the right help they can reconnect to their feelings and to the relationship again.

Many tell me how surprised they are at their outcome, how they didn’t believe that reconnecting and falling back in love was actually possible.

I have seen this so many times, simple changes in understanding and behaviours change the persons feelings. [Read more...]

THIS IS NEW: You can do it in 2015

What an amazing year… Sitting day-after-day in front of couples in real crisis is not something many people would want to do. 

However, when you see the results I see of couples reconnecting, it’s such an amazing feeling knowing you have helped another family avoid the hideous process of divorce, especially when children are involved. It’s those moments I live for…

Here’s what was interesting, as I’m working with all these couples, a common message has been repeatedly communicated.

They say “…we should have come to see you years ago.” [Read more...]

Get your marriage back on track – For Men

Too many couples wait far too long before they seek help. Men in particular are really struggling to see how bad the relationship really is for her and he only wakes up to the true severity of the problem when she says she doesn’t love him, or she wants out.

So many men have sat in my sessions totally confused about how it got so bad so fast. The truth is for her it’s likely to have been bad for a while he has just missed the signs.

The chances are for her the problems have been consciously present for at least two years. Some women communicate problems and fears from the start of the relationship. [Read more...]

5 Actions That Can Lead Couples To Serious Problems

If you have been a subscriber for a while you will know that I see a lot of couples at crisis point with serious problems all wanting help to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that could work long-term. 

Every couple comes to the session with a unique problem, usually a combination of destructive factors some obvious and some which the couple are totally blind to.

Usually one person wants to win the relationship back and the others feelings ranges from totally detached to wanting the marriage to work, but not convinced anyone could help them. [Read more...]

A professional couple new baby at the point of divorce.

He worked in the financial sector she was a psychologist. In their initial consultation it was clear to see their relationship was dying fast. With a new baby that wasn’t sleeping I could see this couple was exhausted and emotionally empty.

Combination of punishing work schedules and a 18 month old child who was too ill to sleep had triggered this couple into an automatic destructive process that had to be interrupted.

Both were focused on protecting themselves from the other, they were displaying all the usual coping strategies of blame, recrimination and power struggles leading to unbearable conflicts and days of deafening silences.  [Read more...]

Should couples expect relationship problems?

I have put this post together because a few people have asked me why couples that started their lives together in love can find themselves in serious trouble without there being an obvious problem like an affair? 

I want you to see the chain reaction that leads relationships to go wrong. Of course every situation is different, but there are some core challenges which underpins the process to go from a loving relationship to divorce.

The process I have illustrated is simplified so this post didn’t turn into a book, however please note each part has many complexities and consequences. [Read more...]

Who else wants a better relationship?

I’m sure that many of you are aware of this. How a relationship starts is not the greatest indicator of what it will turn into 3, 5, 10, 30 years down the line.

There are many little know factors that affect the quality of a relationship and the direction it will ultimately take.

So when couples come to me for help the one thing I communicate fairly consistently is, I expect all couples will have problems they don’t know how to solve. So when this has happened in their relationship what they do next will have consequences, some good, some not so good? Many act in ways that unwittingly ignite a time bomb that eventually leads one person to plan an escape in the future.

Whenever I happen to see couples on their wedding day I have this urge to run after them and help them, of course I never do, can you imagine the reception I might get. [Read more...]

“Why are you not helping your sister?”

I had to share this personal Hedger family story with you, the story in this post today is responsible for significant breakdown in marriages across the world, and it could be easily avoided.

In the moment this situation made me smile, however the bigger picture has far more serious consequences if the lesson is not learnt.

I can’t stress enough how important this is…

So picture this, Cloe and I are sitting down for dinner with the children, it’s a typical evening at the Hedger house. On this occasion I tell the children that Cloe and I have something important to discuss privately and their help with clearing up after dinner would be much appreciated.

Over the years Cloe and I have encouraged the children to [Read more...]

When is a relationship most vulnerable?

Below are a few very common ways that relationships can become vulnerable, some are obvious and many are not and couples fall foul of these situations without knowing.

This list is in no particular order…

1. Couples with children about or have left home

It’s easy for couples to spend their entire life together focused on everything but feeding the relationship what it really needs.

The prioritisation of work, children, friends, hobbies external family lead to the relationship dying.

It’s likely one person may have complained historically it wasn’t working, but they brushed it to one side, fingers crossed they would be ok.

You see once the children leave home if there is no emotional connection then the point of the relationship dies.  [Read more...]

Helping a couple to breakthrough their problems and avoid divorce

How is it possible to help a couple in crisis? How can you bring a couple back from the brink of divorce? How is it possible to help that couple even if that couple are convinced there is no way back?

The answer is to change the thinking that lead them both to disaster. But the way they change their thinking has to connect them to their true-selves otherwise the changes cannot be sustained.

The reason couples struggle so much and end up shutting down and seeing divorce as the only option is because they were trying to use the thinking that created their problems to solve their problems.

New understandings about their experience together is the key to new meanings and a safer future together.

Communication is critical in any relationship so couples have to learn how to translate what their partner has really been trying to say. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

Getting to the truth in your relationship

One of the most important elements in rebuilding a relationship is getting to the truth. Many couples circle their real problems with the hope of either protecting the relationship, themselves or both. Some couples are not aware of what the truth is, some individuals have a totally different idea of the truth from their partner.

Many individuals with real problems can re-write the truth to fit with their new objectives.

Getting the truth on the table is the key to solving any problem. You see when couples start to understand the real reason why they are having problems their reactions to each other can then change dramatically. [Read more...]

Feeling stuck? Fed-up of going round in circles?

Need a solution to a problem that has trapped you? It’s important to know that the thinking that helped to create a problem is not the thinking that will create a solution to the problem. Many people feeling stuck are not aware of this important fact and that’s why they go round in circles. This statement is especially true in relationships as the love, the trust , the respect dies and the relationship no longer meets the couples needs.

In this place the future for the couple dies and getting out of pain seems like the only pleasure.

There are many different types of problems, but what happens when a problem leads the person or the couple into a dead-end where one or both people are so stuck ending the relationship becomes a very real consideration?

To change the situation you have to change the way the individual or couple think about their problem that leads them to the truth. You see to become stuck they will have run out of ways to approach their problem. [Read more...]

If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]

I give up!

The laws of life tell us that without passion a person will not be motivated to take action towards the goal they have set.

So when a person has tried all they know to fix their relationship without success and time has worn them down to feel emotionally empty, their passion to solve the problems dies and so they edge ever closer to giving up.

This is the place that many coupes end up in. They don’t have the knowledge to question how their brain is interpreting what they are experiencing, this leads them to a very limited view on their relationship without knowing. [Read more...]