If you punish your partner what do you think will happen within them?

Society teaches us that if someone has done us a wrong we have a right to punish them. We are taught from a very young age that wrongs get punished, parents punish, schools punish, laws are there to punish.

So punishing our partner when they upset us is OK right!? You might want to rethink this one…

The challenge this punishment model provides is this: In our personal relationships it actually creates a destructive effect rather than a positive corrective one. This usually creates the reverse of what the person punishing actually wants.

You see if you punish your partner, their instinctive response will be to run away from you. Even if they don’t physically, there is a good chance they will emotionally. [Read more...]

How to stop your marriage from dying

Today I’m going share an insight that may help many of you avoid a pitfall I see on a regular basis and get many letters about.

This is widespread and is killing relationships / marriages and destroying families.

In essence some of the information you have grown up with, is like poison for your relationship and is devastating for your children and their relationships, because they are learning from you.

I am going to share with you step-by-step what’s been killing relationships across the country and why.

Please follow this example [Read more...]

Life Lessons: Bullying & Controlling

This story I am about to share is an amazing example of where we learn our life lessons and how we automatically react to others when they give us pain. What do our instincts tell us to do and what actually works.

My son had a significant life challenge, he had suddenly become the target of school bullies at 12 years old. Physically smaller than many of the other boys he felt vulnerable and powerless to do anything. This was terrifying time for him!

I knew for him he was about to learn an important lesson…

The school has a policy that all bullying has to be reported. So following these rules he reported them. The school instantly punished the bullies and called my wife and I to explain their plan.

The challenge now is that as the bullies were punished my son became more of a target. [Read more...]

What they don’t tell you that you probably need to know!

Are there some fundamentals of life that never get taught? Is there some key knowledge that we all really need to know? What if when we were growing up we have been fed the wrong information, or not been guided in a way that serves us. Did your parents really know how to help you understand how you work, or did they guess?

The chances are they were lost too, so they run their lives on feelings and this is how the trouble begins…

What has to happen before you can feel good?

Many people who find they are unhappy with their life will try to change their external world to help them to feel better. The world has taught them this is how to be successful. The problem is this type of control is short lived and doesn’t work…

For example: Some buy stuff to feel good in the moment. Some people change their appearance with a new hair style, or a new dress even to the extreme of plastic surgery. All of these actions do have an instant feel good factor, but it doesn’t last.

We are conditioned to live in reaction

We all like to feel that we are the controllers of us, but this is so far from the truth, we are governed by our pasts and what information that past has fed us. Question yourself now, I know your parents wanted the best for you, but through their teachings they also passed on to you their limiting beliefs which helped to build the fears you have today.

How would it feel if you no longer had to live in reaction to your world. What if you no longer needed to rearrange your world and those in it for you to be OK?

A example of rearranging your world

A lady with a relationship challenge: She doesn’t get the love she needs from her husband and so she consistently goes to get love from her children. This without her knowing, puts pressure on the children and puts her in conflict with herself and with her relationship. She causes further problems as she withholds love to punish her selfish unloving partner.

Firstly her punishment is conditioning from her past. Society teaches us that if someone does us a wrong we punish them. unfortunately punishment does not create love or growth and so the relationship is being weakened each time it happens.

Her punishment comes from her fears that life is not going to be the way it should be.

As a child she would have created coping strategies when life felt wrong and so she will punish, but she could do it in many ways possibility following her parents limiting patterns of behaviour. I.E. Anger, depression, escape, violence, etc…

We are also conditioned to believe that we are qualified to judge each others behaviours of course for the analysis to be correct you would have to be that person which you are not. This incorrect belief gives us more permission to punish.

Also she would have created fears growing up and these fear are driving her to be in conflict with her true self.

She in this place feels disconnected with her true self and he feels she has changed.

She has changed she has a new purpose based on these fears. Instead of love, contribution and growth she has automatically gone to protection and possibly escape. This limits her from being who she truly is.

The change is core within her, when asked if love is important some of the time or all of the time? She answers all the time. So we can clearly see, if love is important all the time, then when she pulls it away to punish her partner she is in conflict with herself.

The being in conflict with ourselves can cause depression.

What are your relationship goals?

From married to dating it is critical that you create goals for your relationship to keep your relationship alive and full of passion.

Giving is one of the biggest goals you can contribute to your relationship. A lot of people in relationships are only interested in what they can get from their relationship and when they don’t think they are getting much, giving seems like the last thing they want to do.

So they withhold the giving as a punishment. Of course if someone does us a wrong we punish them! Wrong! Especially in relationships. Whenever has anyone felt more love after being punished. If you punish your partner you hurt your relationship and yourself.

The biggest goal is really very simple… [Read more...]

Relationship problems won’t stop – what do you do?

You feel stuck, on one hand you have feelings of love for what you used to have together, but you also know that every day you feel unhappy it’s getting worse and now you can’t see a future together.

You just want to get back to where you were.

Men and women will approach this situation differently, women will usually want to complain, or talk and test their partners love for them. Men will either shutdown, run, argue or just do what they’re are told (for a quiet life).

This method of fixing the relationship is usually built around punishment.

Is this you? Have you been punishing your partner to get them to change?

Consider this… When in your past have you been punished by your partner and then felt more love for them after?

I expect your answer is never!

Yes this never works, so instead of fighting or punishing convert all that energy into loving them more.

If your expectation is that you want your partner to be the best they can be for you, why not practice what you preach and be the best you can be for them first.

You are conditioned by society to punish when someone has done something wrong. In relationships it never ever works.

If in the past you feel your punishment has worked you can bet that your partner did what you wanted with a side order of attaching resentment to you.

Resentment is never far away from a lack of respect and that’s very close to the end of your relationship.

Couples Conflict Question

When our partner behaves in ways in which we don’t like what have we been taught to do. Most would automatically punish them in some way.

After all if we were naughty our parents taught us that we had to be punished. Society teaches us that bad behaviour is rewarded with punishments such as fines or imprisonment.

A recent client of mine was defaulting to revenge, and others I see generally resorted to punishments in their quest to teach their partners a lesson so they would never behave badly again.

I was wondering who else thinks that punishing your partner is the best strategy for creating a loving relationship?

I mean when your partner punishes you how much love do you feel towards them?

As they carry out their punishment based on them judging you, do you just want to throw your arms around them and love them more?

Of course not.

So if you know it doesn’t work then why would anyone practice this again and again.

Invisible Relationship Problems

Is your partner saying they want your relationship to work, and yet their behaviours suggest the reverse. Now you find yourself on red alert, constantly ready for trouble.

If this is happening to you, your natural response will be to mistrust your partners intentions, and react as if they are trying to hurt you on purpose.

As difficult as this may sound your partner maybe be stuck and in need of your help. Helping someone who seems to be choosing to hurt you, goes against everything you have been taught.

The rules for creating successful relationships are not the same as how we deal with people in the rest of our lives.

For example if someone does something wrong we punish them so they won’t do it again and that is the pattern we have all been taught that gets results… but does it?

In relationships punishment never works. That’s because you are making an assumption that you know what your partner is thinking and you understand why they are behaving in a way that hurts you.

Very often people that are down, depressed, or fearful have no idea why they are reacting or behaving the way they are. So if they don’t know what’s going on with them then you have no chance of understanding them either, so making them wrong or judging them is totally unfair and will get you nowhere.

Just because you can’t see a broken limb or an open wound it does not mean they are not suffering and are as confused as you are with them. So when they are placed under pressure either real or created by themselves, they will react or complain seemingly unreasonably.

Just like the person with a broken limb would complain.

It is very likely that if two people are reacting negatively to each other and have been for sometime then the chance is they are both to a greater or lesser degree in the same distorted place both stuck on red alert looking for problems.

  • If this is where you are, one of you has to get sane first and help your partner get back to the true version of them.

Punishment never works so understand that your partner is complaining, because they are in pain. Rather than punishing them and making things worse, help them with the love you say you have for them.

Save A Failing Relationship

How to save a failing relationship fast. The first thing to notice is that whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Many people in relationships tend to repeat the same patterns hoping for a different reaction, but always get the same ones.

  • So bright intelligent people seem to lose their ability to learn, when they need it most.

For example:

A woman may complain, at her husband over and over again. Her constant complaining never seems to work. She has not learnt that this does not work. On occasions she can see that she has got him to do what she has asked, BUT he has done it from a place of resentment and deep inside her she knows this.

A man may retreat over and over again when he discovers a situation he does not like in his relationship. He may go silent, have a drink, go out. He practices this every time and every time he does this his wife becomes more crosser with him and so she resents him, deep inside him he knows this.

Punishment creates resentment and this is a pathway
to a relationship break-up.

Both men and women in these kind of situations feel stuck and so rather than searching for alternative behaviours they repeat what never works over and over in the hope that one day it will work.

Does punishment really create more love?

Socially we are conditioned that to get someone to change their behaviour we must punish them. This conditioning or brainwashing helps couples focus on punishment as a vehicle for change.

This is an illusion because whatever you put into a situation is usually what you get out. So if you put anger into a situation the usual reaction is you will be met with anger. Directly behind anger is fear so if your partner is shouting, know as a fact they are scared.

If couples could learn that love is the most powerful component for change in our partners then their behaviours would change and their relationship would transform. If couples could wake-up to what their partners are really saying then they would never punish them ever again.

What is the real message?

The wife who screams at frustration at her husband is actually communicating her fears that there might be something wrong with the relationship and she is scared. If the man knew this would he really run and ignore her, or would he love and support her? A real man would help her feel safe again.

The man who runs away is so frustrated and scared that he cannot fix this relationship, he cannot make her happy, so he can’t be good enough for her. If she knew his silence and running was a fear of losing her, do you think she would continue to help him feel less of a man by emotionally beating him up.

  • Fear of losing the one you love and the feelings that you are not enough actually serve to help relationships create the one thing the couple fears most. Break-up, Separation, Divorce and proof that for this relationship you were not enough!

Relationships can be saved really fast once the couple understand how to understand the messages their partner is really giving them.

We Just Can’t Seem To Talk Anymore

When a couple experiences a communication breakdown in marriage. What happens is they start off fighting to get their point across to each other. The couple don’t see that their anger and energy is an expression of their love, passion and frustration all at once, which at that moment in time is directed into a cry for help.

  • If their partner does not see this as a cry for help, they will start off a destructive loop of punishing each other in their quest to get back to love.

If the couple experience this situation for too long what can happen is they start to see that no matter what they do, they can’t seem to get through to their partner so they can start to give-up, and although the arguments do stop, they are stopping for all the wrong reasons.

  • The couple no longer see the point of communicating at all.

Communication breakdown – Get aware of what you are doing fast!

If the couple give-up arguing in this destructive state of hopelessness, the relationship is in real danger. One person in the relationship has to get sane very quickly to save the relationship.

Each person in the relationship has to take 100% responsibility for the relationship. This puts the individuals back in control of the relationship and no longer in a place of helplessness where they think they are only capable of being responsible for their half of the relationship.

Communication breakdown steps to disaster

Many couples are to focused on being right or winning arguments and so what happens when they don’t get what they want they pull their, attention and love away to punish their partner.

  • They are under the illusion that doing this teaches their partner a lesson so they won’t do this again.

There is never ever any place in a relationship where punishment works ever! If you punish your partner prepare yourself for more pain.

Because if your partner shares your model, that punishment ultimately generates love through understanding, they will probably do the same to you when they receive your punishment.

  • If you want your relationship back on track show love, only love in every of minute of every day no matter what.

If you punish your partner what you do is drive them away and put them in a place of fear where they can no longer trust you.

If you show them unconditional love no matter what they do, they will come to you and from this position of trust, an honest heartfelt understand can be created, from a place of safety.

Whatever your partner has said or done, you can never make them wrong, because that means that you are in a position to judge them and YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED to do so. In fact no man or woman on this earth is qualified to be the judge of another.

  • Judge your partner, make them wrong, assume you know their intensions, pull your love away and you’ll create a storm big enough to rip a whole family apart.

Is this happening to you, are you committed to making a change? …If so get in touch today!

Punish Your Partner At Your Peril

I was recently reading that one of the top reasons relationships break up is due to wives moaning at their husbands.

Now! I know that when a woman complains, the words she uses bears no relationship to the real reason she is complaining, but the man doesn