Divorce: Should we be surprised?

With the majority of couples using trial and error as their strategy for relationship success, is it little wonder why couples have so many problems that end in divorce.

Relationships are probably one of the most important parts of our lives and yet receive so little formal education/attention as we grow up.

How can any of us be expected to understand our relationships if we are never shown how.

Schools, parents, governments, us? Who is responsible for helping us and at what point would that help be most effective and what sort of help would be most effective?

Most of our parents are just as lost as we are, but like it or not we model our parents way of creating our relationships because it the only reference we really have.

The only time people really search to find out more about their relationships is when things are going seriously wrong. Even then they wait far too long before seeking the help they needed years before.

There seems to be a lot of stigma in seeking help, but more than that, there is massive lack of confidence that it will actually work?

One of the question I am asked is how much does my help cost. The reason I am asked this is because society on the whole sees getting relationship help as a massive financial and emotional gamble.

To be honest I can see why, I receive so many people who have experienced relationship help in other forms and have seen little to no results.

One lady seeking my help had been seeing her therapist for a massive 10 years. The therapist clearly had no idea that she had become part of the problem she had promised to help.

One gentleman had been seeing his counsellor for 2 years. Whilst he said he felt better, his real problems were still there, and so he wanted a different approach from me. 5 weeks later he was seeing a massive difference.

One of the many reasons why I decided to do this kind of work was because in my twenties I was appauled at the support my relationship had received by a couples counsellor. She basically charged us £40.00 to argue in her house. Her support actually accelerated our break-up.

Unless you understand how relationships really work and how to get the best out of each other, then how can you be sure that you will not become a statistic.

Education is the key: I believe that all couples need education…

This is the key factor I use in the work I do with couples. This education gives people the tools and the confidence to communicate what they really need.

  • I help people understand why their relationships failed so they don’t repeat the same pattern in their next relationship.
  • I helps couple pre marriage understand what has to happen to keep their love and passion for each other alive.
  • I help couples in crisis understand what is really going on in their relationships.

Education stops the trial error strategy that’s designed for disaster.

We do not have all the knowledge we need to understand our relationships and so whatever your beliefs are today are you sure that what you think you know will actually work.

Plus it’s much better fun understanding yourself and each other long before you really need crisis help.

Is A Fear Pattern Destroying Your Life?

The biggest relationship pattern we run is a fear pattern. Yesterday we discovered how we can set up patterns of behaviour with knowing. Fear patterns in our relationships can happen in the same way, but with devastating results.

The fear we create in our mind is the question that means the end of our relationship.

That question is this:

Will I be enough… for him or her?

This big fear pattern is at play in many areas of people lives. Will I be a good enough mother, father, boss, employee, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

When this fear pattern is generated in a relationship this then changes a persons behaviours, they could decide:

  • To give-up or run, because its hopeless, they will never be enough.
  • To control their  partner so they can’t make them fearful anymore.
  • Try to put their partner down, so they come down to their level of fear too.

And there are many more… This will create lot of irrational behaviours, crying, shouting, happy one day, sad the next, depression, anxiety. Making up things you said when you didn’t, making you responsible for all that’s wrong in the world…

Decisions in fear states equals disaster

Unfortunately when someone makes a decision from a state of fear, the decisions are usually poor destructive decisions that help to generate the thing they fear most…and so their partner does leave them.

If a relationship is to survive and become one full of unconditional love this fear has to be understood and removed / changed.

Are you running this fear pattern, do you think your partner is running this pattern?

The fear will feel very real, but in most cases is not true, their pattern was set-up for a good reason, but it is very likely to be running today for all the wrong reasons.

Remember if you create a fear in you, and give it to your partner, what you do is then create a fear in them and now the irrational chaos is doubled.

Critical Relationship Help For You

This has to be the most important relationship help and advice you will ever hear so please, please make sure you really understand this? No matter what relationship stage you are in, from dating to a long-term relationship.

If you don’t practice these three steps you will go through a lot pain together.

These are the KEY critical, but simple steps.

1. Understand in the context of a relationship your needs and wants in detail. Get clear on your relationship fears and what sort of person you need to be to attract the person you desire most (connecting with the real you is critical no matter if you are single or in a relationship).

2. Understand the needs, wants, and fears of your partner.

3. Without judgement help your partner through their fears and become addicted to understanding and meeting their needs every day.

If you both do this then the relationship you have always wanted can be yours.

So if it’s this simple why do so many people have problems?

The answer to this is simple also.

1. Most people do not understand their needs and how they work. So if you don’t understand your needs then how can you expect your partner to know them and meet them for you. If you have relationship problems it’s because the needs within the relationship are not being met.

2. People do not want to focus on their fears and so they hide them away until they come out and spoil the relationship. If you value “honestly” then get clear on your fears because with the right focus they can be removed or managed, no matter what has happened in your past.

3. When two people live their lives with fears running in the background and this applies to most couples, both people in the relationship will never be free to be who they really are. They then live together in distorted versions of themselves. This is what causes your fighting. The more problems you get with each other the more problems you’ll start to find. This makes unconditional love impossible.

4. The chance of meeting your partners needs whilst in a fear state is ZERO and so to stay safe, and stay in the relationship you may start to trade for things, love and affection. You both then end up two people taking from each other because you have to.

  • Successful unconditional relationship are different, because the couple spend their lives giving what their partner wants most, and so they never have the need to take. This is what makes the difference!

Understanding this is the reason why Relationship Coaching with Stephen Hedger is so powerful.

You will be guided step-by-step to understand your critical needs and if they are set up for pain or pleasure. You will understand that your fears were designed to protect you, but are now out dated, but they are still running, harming your relationship and your future.

  • Don’t live in fear, because you will regret that decision.

Relationship Coaching Be Your Own Personal Relationship Psychologist

Are you considering getting help from a relationship expert, but are concerned about the fees and if it will work or not?

If so what are your options?

Going to a professional to get professional relationship help is a big step for any couple. The biggest worries are how much will it cost and what type of relationship help is going to work for us.

Do you choose

  • Relationship Counselling
  • Relationship Therapy
  • Relationship Coaching

A professional low cost session with a counsellor/therapist would cost you about

Step 4: Relationship growth & building a future together

Step 4 – Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger explains that if the relationship stops growing it dies. Building a compelling future together is critical.

When a couple first meet they have so many plans and life starts off so exciting. They put effort into the way they dress how they look, they constantly make plans together, weekends away, special nights out, presents, cards.

They then might plan to move in together, buy a house and maybe start a family.

What can happen to a relationship is that a busy life gets in the way and the relationship then has no direction, the individuals end up serving their own needs and soon as the relationship becomes all about ME! If this happens you’re really in trouble.

Stephen will help the couple get addicted to serving each others needs and get them making plans to ensure the relationship has an exciting direction.

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger

To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808

Step 5: Dealing with Relationship Problems

Step 5 – Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger will explain that no amount of relationship work will stop problems arising in the relationship. What’s important is the way you work together to ensure the relationship is never affected.

Relationship problems can take 1000’s of forms.

Problems can be from outside pressures such as work, friends, family, money problems etc. Or problems can come from misunderstandings and assumption between the couple.

On top of all these potential issues we have the ever changing states the individuals go through the different communication strategies of the individuals and the massive difference between the sexes.

Stephen will help the couple understand the critical thought processes needed to keep the relationship problems at bay the couple secure and safe no matter what happens.

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger

To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808

Step 6: Reignite the passion

Step 6 – Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger helps couple understand that making time for the intimate side of their relationship is critical to reconnect you both.

The fundamental difference between those you love (friends & family) and your partner is the intimate side to your relationship.

Couples can find that they live in a lighter version of themselves in fear of sharing their true passionate selves. When they live in this state they are never allowed to be who they really are and this can kill the soul of those people.

Connecting with the true you is a liberating experience in fact this part of you is just one of many parts that all have their roles.

Stephen will help couples feel safe to share their darker needs and how to access these different parts of their personalities and take the relationship to a whole new deeper and exciting level.

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The Relationship Building Process

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger

To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808